I bid you a great day to start my "Kooking" Blog!

I have beenbadgered and pestered to my consternation approached by many in the Inner Circle who enjoy my divine creations, to enlighten the collective with my wisdom in the Culinary Arts. I have finally agreed to give this a test shot. Feel free to ask questions, but do not expect an answer, as I am a busy revolutionary with a very full schedule!

I picked today to start because we all have something big to celebrate! It's Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il's 69th birthday today!

So, I suggest we start with a simple Korean dish that I concocted to make the little punk.....errrr I meant the All-Powerful Leader of the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea happy. He has a fondness for Japanese Kobi beef (don't ask how he obtains it; it's top-secret!), so here is the recipe for:

KIM JONG IL'S KOREAN BEEF SKEWERS

yields 2 cups

Marinade:
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup sugar
1/2" knob of ginger, peeled and minced
4 tbl good Bourbon
2 tbl sesame oil
8 cloves of garlic, minced
4 scallions, minced
1/2 tea coarse ground black pepper

Combine all ingredients in a non-reactive bowl and mix until sugar is dissolved.

Slice l pound of sirloin or top round beef into 1/4" slices. Thread onto pre-soaked wooden skewers.
Marinate for a 1/2 hour, or longer if possible. Reserve marinade to make dipping sauce.

Grill on high heat, turning once. The sugar may blacken the skewers, so watch fire for flare-u[s! (You may use a grilling pan on the stove, as an alternative if you cannot start a fire without permission of your gulag Commissar. I, personally, do not recommend that the proles play with fire without strict supervision!)

While skewers are cooking, mix reserved marinade with 1/4 cup of good salad oil and 1 teaspoon of garlic-chili sauce ( I use Sambal Oelek available at good grocery stores in Asian section)

Serve up skewers with dipping sauce and of course, the rest of the Bourbon.

Many Happy Returns of the day to Dear Leader, Kim!

Bon Appetit!










Che' Gourmet
Uber Commissar of Foodservice
Executive Chef to the Inner Circle
Ambassador to the Latin States of the USSA (I told you before, the POTUS did not mis-speak when he said there are 57 states! Heheheh!)
 

Very tasty comrade Che (burp). This was as yummy as last year's celebratory entree for Kim's birthday "Little Yapping Dog with Sweet & Sour Sauce."

The best part of this dish is that the skewers can be re-purposed by shoving them under the finger nails of thought criminals.
 

Che!

A glorious and sumptious repast! Just a little suggestion to this meal. The Dear leader should be reminded of the people he leads while dining and what a better way then a little soup action to enhance the meal.

I humbly suggest the following as an addition to your fine offering,

TREE BARK SOUP

Boil some water
Add some Tree bark

Serve
 

I see kimchee, I see bean sprouts, but I cannot figure out what the third side dish is in the photo.

Your instructions to "serve the skewers with dipping sauce" is, I assume, the correct disposal method of the skewers after the Party member has consumed the beef? If so, is the proper etiquette to toss them over the shoulder for the house proles to fight over among themselves, or should they be collectivized on the side of the plate until the meal is over for future redistribution, perhaps to reward a sturdy Stakhanovite?
 

Thank you for glorious recipe Comrade CHE GOURMET ! My Aunt Tatiana used to serve me a similar dish when she finished thrashing me with a birch rod behind the beet-processing plant in a vodka stupor on Worker's Day. Your post brought back such wonderful memories of my revolutionary childhood. Tell - me, could I substitute one pound of dissident thought-kriminal for the sirloin? Also please - I am looking for a delicious recipe I once tasted in Cuba during those exciting post-revolutionary years. It was made with rum and stolen peels from the neighbor's ration of platanos... could you please include some Cuban dessert recipes in next posting?
 

Natasha Grupthinkski

... Tell - me, could I substitute one pound of dissident thought-kriminal for the sirloin? ....
Yikes! As the leading Thought-Criminal here in the Cube, I now know I must never accept a dinner invitation at your dacha.

On the other hand, I'm hoping it was a typo and you meant to write "substitute one pound of [sirloin for inducing] a dissident thought-kriminal [to mend the error of his ways by purging himself of thought-krimes]." (But ribeye would be a better enticement-- sirloin is tough, like that British "Sir Loin" cut of Madcow.)

--KOOK
 

It is good that Dear Leader eats such modest meals, to prove that he is one with the people around him. Why I bet that is as much beef as a dozen of his people see in a month. Now he can understand what they endure.
 

Commodore Snoogie suggests:

I humbly suggest the following as an addition to your fine offering,

TREE BARK SOUP

Boil some water
Add some Tree bark

Serve


Snoogie, my Fellow Culinarian (?) and good comrade:

So nice to see you. How are things going in the PHK? Your suggestion of a first course of "Tree Bark Soup" could, indeed be included (not a chance in hell), as there are many varieties of trees in North Korea.

However, comrade, this particular recipe would be better served to the general collective; not eaten by our esteemed members of the Inner Circle. Please do feel free to contribute to this blog however, whenever you get a brainstorm. I'm sure that eventually, you will hit on a usable recipe. LOL
 

Ivan,

Comrade Whoopie has the korrect disposal method of the wooden skewers.

After all, we as good guardians of Mother Gaia's lands, must re-purpose, and recycle whenever possible....
 

And of course, for the lovely Natasha,

I will strive (yawn...how bourgeois and predictable) to find the perfect dessert recipe for platanos (peels?, do spies eat so poorly, or are you now, due to your services for the People, now able to afford your own platanos?), and to be sure, it will contain some excellent rum!

Also, let it be known now, that I will include some relevant history of the food, or culture, and of course, include favorite recipes from my multitudes of associates and political acquaintances to liven up the discussion,.... as I really do prefer stimulating conversation with my food, having traveled the world extensively in my consulting (agitating and fomenting) the duties to the Party....
 

Comrade Che, I've heard some of the proles suggesting that you don't really look anything like your avatar. To lay such rumors to rest I post this photo, taken of you in your kitchen as proof.



 

Whoopie,

A very good likeness...LOL You know what they say about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery! But for the life of me, I can't remember that kitchen....so clean!
 

I wanted to capture the look on your face when a customer sent back a steak because it was overdone (after he had already sent it back twice claiming it was underdone).
 

Che Gourmet

It will be an honor to contribute a few culinary recipes that I have created for your esteemed consideration! Actual real ones instead of the crap I dish out at the People's Galley for the masses. that I've used through some very unique cultural influences. Just a second I need to ensure our conversation is private so the proles don't get wind that I can actually make an edible meal....... Let me ring you up on the shoe phone.



Ahh that's better, I lived in Hawaii for many years and currently live and work in Japan so the stuff I do in the kitchen has a pretty heavy Asian influence. Good to see you also like Asian style cooking! Korean BBQ is outstanding! And I like your marinade recipe good balance on the flavors. And of course Kimchee is a must as a side. I go for the extreme spicy variety of Kimchee for my personal taste and the local food markets here always have a section dedicated just for Kimchee in all its glorious varieties from mild to "Oh my God" that is hot. Well enough about my cooking influences I'll hang up now and give you a recipe for your and the masses consideration!

Commodore Snoogie's Ahi Tuna Poke

Ingredients:

Fresh Ahi Tuna
Sesame Seed Oil
Fresh scallions cut and sliced
Sesame Seeds (black variety is best)
Garlic Salt
Course Black Pepper
Shoyu.....Soy Sauce

Take a good size fresh Ahi tuna steak and slice into about one inch cubes.
Place the cubes into a steel mixing bowl.
Add just a little sesame seed oil.......NOT TO MUCH........just enough to be able to give all the tuna cubes a slight sheen all around.
Mix the Tuna and Sesame oil.
Add sliced scallions to the mix.
Now add a small amount of Garlic salt or if you prefer an actual garlic clove sliced into small bits and then just regular salt after with it.
Add coarse black pepper to the mix.
Coat the mix with a good sprinkling of sesame seeds.
Add shoyu....just a little at a time and mix all the ingredients.
The Ahi should start to resemble an almost cooked look as the shoyu starts to "brown" the tuna. Enough shoyu is used when the Poke now has a nice brown glaze all around all the pieces.





As always SERVE COLD. Hope you might try this or some other Prole that may have never had the experience. (Side note....I make this for my Japanese friends and they are one tough audience when it comes to fish and recipes.......They loved it the first time I made it for them and they actually asked me for the recipe so they could make it at home!

ENJOY!
 

Che Gourmet,


I've been meaning to ask, where was it that you found my recipe book for "KOOKing with Che Gourmet"?

I keep a simple diet-- mostly what I eat is crow. --KOOK
 

Comrade KOOK,

I suppose you are going to say that it's "copyright infringement" or some other such nonsense? I am the only Che' Gourmet around here, Si?

Go ask Red Rooster. He's the one whoprodded asked me to contribute to this forum; against my better judgment, and at considerable inconvenience!

Besides, if you checked your Party correspondence occasionally, perhaps you would know this. I am not happy with your trying to pry state secrets from me, comrade. Che' would rather die than divulge Party secrets, especially with the general collective.


 

Comrade Che Gourmet,

I would never stoop to such a capitalist ploy (unless, of course, the defendant were to be incalculably wealthy, and since I know you foreswore all personal gain from your work for the greater good of the collective diet, I know that such litigation be fruitless).

Long ago, Red Rooster made me give up chicken. Now I have to survive on immitation steak and lobster made from ground beet-meal.


KOOK
 

Comrade Che
How good to see you "feeding the Revolution" and fanning the flames political discontent! I was wondering if it would be possible to substitute the sirloin with Kobe beef? (Not that I have any of the expensive afore mentioned meat, but I hear Dear Leader Obama loves the stuff!) Also, wouldn't this meal be easier for me to prepare if, instead of cooking for myself, I just flew you in from wherever you are to cook it for me? Don't worry, the proles will pick up the tab. (whether they know it or not!)
 

Commodore Snoogie Woogums

Che Gourmet
<snip>

As always SERVE COLD. Hope you might try this or some other Prole that may have never had the experience. (Side note....I make this for my Japanese friends and they are one tough audience when it comes to fish and recipes.......They loved it the first time I made it for them and they actually asked me for the recipe so they could make it at home!

ENJOY! You mean I can't warm it up over the tire smolderin in my 55 gallon barrell?? Do you know how long it took and how many shady dealings I went through to get that tire???
 

Comrade Che Gourmet,


This pertains to your "Progressive Recipe" for the latest fad in haute cuisine-- i.e., "All-Natural" Food: Breast-Milk Ice-Cream.


I have a consumer complaint. As you know, when I saw the Reuters news report featuring your famous logo in an article describing the most brilliant culinary advance in "All-Natural Food" since Stalin bred the most nutricious beets in history, I came directly to your One Star** restaurant: Breast-Milk Ice Cream.

[**We at the Cube know, just as all progressive college students know, the your "one Star" is too iconic and too unsurpassed to be "demoted" to "Five Stars," a rating craved by capitalist chefs and restaurants to give them the illusion that their Five Stars are better than Che's One Star when, in reality, their Five Stars are not worth even one point on Che's One Star.]




Knowing that my Pootie-Poo craves ice cream almost as much as he craves me not only for my brilliant mind but also for other ample attributes I need not describe (lest I seem to be boasting) but which are readily discernible (well, almost discernible) in the picture below, which you snapped and gave to me (as is your custom when important Party Members patronize your restaurant) when I entered your restaurant to avail myself of the recipe and procedures you have desinged for making breast-milk ice-cream.



I told you my goal was to surprise Pootie-Poo with a fresh batch of breast-milk ice-cream. I asked you how long it would take for you to do it for me, and you said, "no more than one hour," so I immediately called Pootie-Poo and tokd him to meet me at your restaurant in exactly one hour for a special surprise involving two (actually, three, or perhaps even four) of his favorite things. He was so excited. He promised to get here in precisely one hour.


I was excited also-- eager to learn and experience all the steps involved when the famous Che Gourmet makes breast-milk ice-cream. When you told me to disrobe, I could barely contain my excitement. As you examined me and performed measurements and calculations, mere excitement became ecstacy when you told me we would be able to have at least two gallons of breast-milk ice-cream when Pootie-Poo arives.



Then, to my dismay, you said, "Uh-oh, this is gonna be close." When I asked what was the problem, you said that since I'm "hotter" than any woman for whom you've made breast-milk ice-cream, the cooling period may take longer than what is usual, so you told me to call Putin and tell him to add 30 minutes. I tried to reach him on his mobile phone, but his special assistant said he had left in such a hurry that he left his mobile phone in the "Situation Room" and that he was already on the way.


Then, you said you had a brilliant idea to speed-up the process by having me stay a little longer in the "cooling" room. Then you ushered me (start naked) into the coldes room in which I've ever been in my life. I asked "How long?"



You said you'd have to recalulate the procedures. As you closed the dooor, you said, "It's imperative that you stay until I get back."







So I stayed ... and stayed ... and stayed ... indeed, if I wasn't so hot, I would have frozen to death.


And you know what happened next! Pootie-Poo arrived while I was still in the "cooling" room. He looked everywhere for you and you were nowhere to be found. Then he recognized my clothing on the chair next to the door to the cooling room, so he looked inside.



You know how suspicious he is-- his spymaster mind began running at top speed. He concluded that when I said the suprise involved "two things," he assumed that you and I were going to propose a ménage à trois with him.



I've never seen him so angry-- he wouldn't let me explain anything, and he left (looking for you, I think). Thus, his mind must be slipping because you're not being there should have made him realize he'd jumped to the wrong conclusion.



Now that you've damaged (perhaps destroyed) my relationship with Pootie-Poo, I'm even angrier to learn why you never came back to get me out of the cooling room to make ice-cream from my breast-milk: You had gotten a call from Michelle Obama demanding that you drop whatever you were doing and bring at least 3,000 carrot sticks and brocolli tops to emergency protest called by SEIU to save the unions by surrounding the houses of Rethuglicans and Tea-Baggers.



After writing this complaint, I've finally cooled down. Pootie-Poo called to apologize for jumping to the wrong conclusion after he learned the reason you weren't there, but he still is baffled why I was sitting naked in the meat-locker. So, let's try again except this time, I'll take the breast-milk ice cream to him immediately after it's made. I know it will make him so happy that our relationship will get back onto track right away.





Please let me know when you're ready to try again, and I'll be there promptly.



--Putin's Mistress.
 

Great Stalin's Ghost!


You were left alone in the kooling room??

I am indeed, very contrite over this misunderstanding with my compadre, Влади́мир Пу́тин! I can well understand his being upset! (throws his chef's knife at the nearest prole sending the prole running at super-speed from the kitchen galley)


Michelle is so demanding on my time these days with her "Healthy Children, Healthy Collective" ™ crusade.

I am so sorry that I had to leave you in the "kooiing" room and rush off. I do apologize most profusely!

Please, do make another appointment ASAP, and we will delight your Pootie-Poo with any flavor of Breast-Milk ice cream that he so desires. Also, I will do this at no charge! (damnation! I so hate to give out freebies, it's so uncharacteristic of a Made Prog and some unlucky prole is going to pay for this when I find him!!! If this gets out to the public, business will drop off....spits on floor and fumes about his lost opportunity to cash in on the unsuspecting kulaks in Russia, then calls for his pilot to gas up the jet to flee the country)

As for the ménage à trois with him, I'm afraid (very afraid) that I must decline your.....ah...so generous invitation due to the complications that would arise with my mistress Ludmylia. Although I am infamous for my dalliances with the rich and famous, since meeting my little babushka, totally herido with her.

Vladimir may very well know her (this is her personal stamp and one of many honors bestowed on her by the Motherland)



BTW: I was not aware that you have had a "love child" with Vladimir, only recently? Otherwise, how could you donate, yourself? If this is true, then hearty congrats are in order to both of you!
 

Che Gourmet

Great Stalin's Ghost!


* * *



Michelle is so demanding on my time these days with her "Healthy Children, Healthy Collective" ™ crusade.

* * *
BTW: I was not aware that you have had a "love child" with Vladimir, only recently? Otherwise, how could you donate, yourself? If this is true, then hearty congrats are in order to both of you!

My Dear Comrade Che Gourmet,


While making my rounds, I happened to notice your post to Putin's Mistress. I hope I'm not intruding by addressing parts of your reply of special interest to me.


In rsponse to the first statement quoted above, I am resonding on behalf of behalf of our MOTUS (Mother Of The United States), who also happens to be FLOTUS (First Lady Of The United States), SOTPOTUS (Spouse Of The President Of The United States), DICOTUS (Dietician In Chief of The United States), and FLATUS (Flying Luxurously Around The United States).


She greatly appreciates your having postponed the important culinary assignment you were on the verge of commencing when she made an urgent request for you to prepare, deliver and distribute carrot sticks, a vital source of nutrition and vision enabling our Government-Employee Union Greeters them to accurately read the lists of private-home addresses of our political opponents to enable them to visit those homes to provide our inspiring Greetings in the form of chants, slogans and our Greeters to our Government-Employee Union Greeters who were busy greeting our policical opponents at their private residences with inspiring chants, slogans and informative messages (such as the ever-popular, "We know where you live").


As you know, I think we must all be armed with carrot sticks at all times. In fact, MOTUS/SOTPOTUS/FLOTUS/DICOTUS/FLATUS recently posed in a way to emulate the technique used by a famous female member of your family when she posed au naturale for PeTA:

Now, regarding the second statement of yours that I quoted above. I recognize that all great revolutionaries -- especially the Leading Culinary Revolutionary whose motto is to "FEED THE REVOLOOSHIN" and which has now been augmented/updated to include "BREAST-FEED THE REVOLOOSHIN"-- simply do not have the time or expertise to know what Doctors know. Now, I can't say that Putin and Putin's Mistress do NOT have a "love child," but I doubt it because I know she would have already come to me for ObamaCare if that were to be her condition.

You reached your conclusion from a widely misunderstood aspect of feminine capabilities. Long ago, before "bottle-feeding" became popular among wealthy capitalist women (or among royalty or the wives of feudal lords) desiring to have children but not desiring to breast-feed them, such women of high position would engage the services of another woman as a "wet nurse." Women need not be in a post-child-delivery status in order to lactate.


Many (if not most) women can lactate until they reach menopause, but if they are not in post-child-delivery status, it does require much more effort, patience and assistance to begin lactating. (There is a famous story of an unmarried, never-pregnant young woman who kept a political prisoner in a dungeon alive, who otherwise would proably have died from malnutrition were if not for her visits, during which she was never allowed to take food into his cell-- his jailers were never able to figure out how he managed to thrive on the meager rations they provided.)

Thus, when Putin's Mistress returns, she may need more assistance than you may have anticipated. You may say, it's demanding work, but someone must do it for the sake of inspiring similar conduct by all women in order to save us from the sourge of obesity caused by too many people eating too much ice-cream made from milk from cows raised on chemicals and Lenin-knows what else. Thus, your work with a peson as famous and influential as Putin's Mistress can play a vital role in promoting the Good of the Collective.

Gotta go-- I just got a 911 call from one of our Goverment Employee Union Greeters who claims the carrots don't provide enough energy for continously shouting slogals for entire 8-hour shifts. He just read the same article that prompted Putin's Mistress to come to you.


He's demanding that part of his union dues henceforth be allocated to subsidizing this new culinary art. Indeed, he wants to start a franchise and get out of the union altogether, so we must figure out how to make ample supplies of this new culinary delight availabel to all protesters in the future. Maybe we can get some of those movie stars who work with PeTA to provide the "mother's milk for the revolution."


Next thing you know, many of them will use their celebrity as the basis for marketing their own breast-milk ice-cream. Look out Ben & Jerry. However, only the wealthy (or the most influential poiiticians) will be able to enjoy "Celebrity Breast-Milk Ice Cream." Let's hope Hooters doesn't try to add this service to their franchises. Then, instead of enticing customers to their restaurants with the eumphemistic line, "Put a Leg in Hour Hand," they'll be offering a far more tantalizing euphemism.
Soon there will be demans all over the country not for "medical marijuana" but rather for "nutritional breast-milk ice cream." But will it stay limited to "ice cream"?


Just think how much money credits you will earn practicing this new culinary art now that you know that your "market" need not be limited to mothers already nursing their own children.


--Doctor Obama.
 

 

{off}

I have no words for this article.
WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES - not for the weak.

Freedom of Choice most rational in China

http://brianakira.wordpress.com/2009/10 ... -in-china/
 

Comrades,

There must be some mistake for such a Progressive musician (? oh really, more like a re-hash of Madonna.....you know, been there,...done that!) such as Lady Ga Ga to try to sue the great revolutionary hero, Che' http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id ... _article=1
 

My dearest Comrade Che Gourmet,

This "Kooking with Che Gourmet" thread caught the attention of one of my law-clerks, who brought it to my attention. She was wearing a Che Gourmet Breast-Pumping Harness and was pumping her breast-milk while working diligently in researching cases for me without missing a comma or a period. Needless to say, I was so impressed that I carefully studied the massive amount of research she had collected. This convinced me to forthwith join the Cube and endorse your Gourmet Breast-Milk Ice Cream. I just posted it a while ago.
--Kagan Gourmet
 

Comrade Charlie Sheen has just produced a cooking video that all should find very instructional.

(Yeah I mean you Che Gourmet and Commodore Snoogie)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12a ... red_videos
 

Okay, okay, okay. All these recipes are well and good but answer me one thing. Why are you eating tuna or beef?

We're made progs. We eat proles.

Just how do you think that Michael Moore got that fat? It wasn't from Twinkies. It was from twinks who ate Twinkies. He ate them. No, he didn't eat them in any sort of nasty way, well, if you saw Michael tucking into his tucker you'd blench, but nonetheless he ate them.

The second-generation Vietnamese in Texas are playing football, grown big on animal protein in Texas. Michael Moore has grown big in eating the proles who have put on their last #200 or so at Mickey D's and Drunken Dognuts. They've predigested it already.

So for the Vietnamese who want to play football, American beef is enough. But for a true prog, we need to have predigested junk food paid for by the taxpayer.

It's predigested loot. See?
 

Comrade Whoopie,

LMAO! Now that's cookin', man!
I see he has a nice enamel red star in one of his multiple kitchens.....and the outdoor one looks better than mine, Hey wait just a damn minute! Why does this useful idiot have a better outdoor kitchen than me??? ....I demand a more equal outdoor kitchen!! I'm a high ranking Inner Party Member!!


As for Comrade Charlie.....I'm nominating him, immediately, for a spot on "Worst Cooks in America" on the Cooking Channel.

PS I did like his salad-shredding technique though LOL

PSS
And as for you, Father Prog, mi mentor en la destrucción, where in the hell have you been? You and I have some planning to do to cook up the backlog of..er..well, you know what. The "freezer"gulag is overflowing with product...Heheheh!
 

Che, have you been stocking up on awful offal? There are lots of proles who can best be fed by rotting pig hearts and cow uterus. We'll serve it on moldy potato bread, and here's the wheeze--with green tea. We'll extoll the anti-oxidant virtues and it's green too, right?

This is like being booked at the police station for something that you didn't do but it's just fine because they recycle the plastic bands they use for handcuffs.