New Climate Change Disaster Looms

The effects of climate change continue to ravage the planet while deniers, led by Big Oil, steadfastly block effective action, costing us perhaps our last small chance to save some babies and puppies as well as beachfront properties owned by celebrities.

As a global warming-induced blizzard is burying the Northeast in snow today, news of an even more harmful consequence of the lack of state-approved cap and trade schemes has now emerged. As reported by Politico, this startling revelation will send chills down the spine of anyone sitting on a cold wallet:



The news from the CBO (Congressional snowBall Office) shocked and surprised many average people who were still watching Superbowl highlights on their iPhones. Experts are agreed as to the cause of the interesting snowballs but apparently divided as to the solutions.

"Interest snowballs are caused by climate change", stated climate scientist Al Gore, who recently sold his Current TV network to Middle Eastern green energy advocates who hope to stop dirty oil from Canada from being piped into the US. "They form when Climate Change changes the air from warm to cold and dihydrogen monoxide is present. The fact that the snowballs are now building up on debt is not a good sign - for one thing, the debt could get wet if the snowballs suddenly melted."

"We need emergency stopgap action NOW!", exclaimed climate scientist T. Friedman of the NY Times. "The federal government must immediately borrow billions of dollars to buy Chinese solar panels - that should prevent the formation of snowballs until we can borrow billions of dollars more to buy Chinese wind turbines and fix the debt snowball problem permanently."
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"Climate change denial is terrorism!", screamed an advocate for non-violence who was picketing with a mostly peaceful mob demanding the lynching of an oil company executive. "President Obama now has been given the power to deal with terrorists and he should take action before the interest snowball gets any bigger!"

As the non-violence advocate noted, President Obama recently gave himself was granted by the DOJ the power to "kill American citizens if they are believed to be ‘senior operational leaders' of al-Qaida or ‘an associated force’." Does this empower him to process domestic climate change denial terrorists as well?

"Of course", said one sharp-as-a-tax legal mind who voted for Mr. Obama. "Climate change deniers and al-Qaida are both destructive terrorists and both connected with big oil, except for those green energy advocates who bought Current TV, that is. So they're associated, right? It's not rocket science."

"We must act on climate change before it's too late", said expert economist Paul Krugman. "Debts and deficits don't matter but snowballs do!"
 

But comrade opiate, if I am buried under 3 feet of snow right now where would I be WITHOUT all the GLObull warming that haz been going on? I can't even get to my root cellar and im down to my last bottle of beet vodka!
 

Dateline - Boston, Massachusetts

Today we interviewed the endangered polar bear family pictured above during the ongoing blizzard conditions in Boston, Massachusetts.

When asked about the effects of Global Warming on the environment, Papa Bear stated - for the record - that he and his family were in agreement that the Global Warming induced blizzard currently demolishing the New England states was actually a very good thing, and that if Global Warming was, indeed, to blame, then he and his vast bear clan were all very much in favor of Global Warming.



"As far as we bears are concerned," stated the father of the bear clan as he sat in his shiny white Porsche 911 Turbo in his driveway with the top down, "The colder it gets the better, especially if it brings snow like this." Frankly, as we snapped the photo (above) of Papa Bear in his Porsche, we couldn't help but marvel at how smoothly the white Corinthian leather seats blended with both the car's exterior and the blizzard that was raging.

The Bear children were observed in the yard happily building Snow Bears as the snow continued to blanket the Northeast corner of the USSA.

Jenny, back to you in the studio.
 

Snowing in New York in February, what next! What will we do when our Great Parents, Barack and Michelle are gone. Who will take care of us then when Global Climate Change is ravaging the planet?
I suggest a Commission on Perpetual People's Protectors (a search committee).




 

Comrade ROCK,

I'm sorry you didn't see me in the snowball storm. The Craptek mansion is buried in mountains of global warming. That's me yelling to you as you passed - right next to the bears.



 

Do not underestimate the strength of the Obama administration's economic strategy. We are back on track and read to go.