NPR Economic News Program (Transcript)

From the pony express to carriages, horses used to be the workforce for America - until the steam engine came about and took away horse livelihood. The more air-polluting factories were being built, the more the horse community could see the writing on the wall: their jobs would disappear. Before long, the rise of automobiles crushed the horse job market, leaving hundreds of thousands of unemployed horses in its wake.

“We are desperate to get jobs these days," nickered the horse community activist named Charlie. "The machine is working against us. With horsepower being eliminated, I find more and more of my friends and colleagues losing their jobs. The fact that they culturally appropriated the word 'horsepower' to describe their machines only adds insult to injury. I am lucky I got picked up by the traveling rodeo. Others slip into depression, start drinking, and get in trouble with police."

With capitalist free markets further wrecking the familiar world, all the horses can do is neigh at the fact they have become archaic. And while humans who lose their jobs qualify for unemployment insurance, horses do not.

"My kind has not received any compensation or health benefits from the government," said one horse who asked to only be identified as The Horse's Mouth. "They send us packing out into the wild, thinking we can make it on our own. Not everyone can. What kind of government would treat us like that? If they had any horse sense, they would accommodate our kind.”

"If there was a government regulation that would mandate pen makers to design pens for writing with hooves, we would have sent tons of letters to Congress about our disenfranchisement," said The Horse's Mouth. "But all we can do is protest the unequal treatment by aimlessly marching through the landscape where no one can see us. And even if they did, we don't have pens or markers to write a single decent sign to communicate our grievances. So everyone assumes we're just happily stampeding through the prairies. We're not."

Whales had pretty good "green" government union jobs producing whale oil for lanterns until George Bush and Dick Cheney and Halliburton began destroying the earth with petroleum too.

Where is the outrage? Whale jobs matter!

Komrade Hammer, in all fairness, some animals are more equal than others. But engines are all the same, a humble object that we can learn a lesson from: Sameness good, differences bad. If we aren't all the same, how can we produce for the State the power and energy that it uses to drive the car of revolution over filthy Kapitalists and crush them with the weight of our mighty economy?

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:Komrade Hammer, in all fairness, some animals are more equal than others. But engines are all the same, a humble object that we can learn a lesson from: Sameness good, differences bad. If we aren't all the same, how can we produce for the State the power and energy that it uses to drive the car of revolution over filthy Kapitalists and crush them with the weight of our mighty economy?

Comrade, have you heard of stampedes? Simply have the capitalist be in front of one. No need for manually driven cars. Besides, would it be fair to the self driving cars if you drove cars yourself?

This horse was able to adjust. Why can't the others?

There's also some good news. There is proof that government training programs can help. Here only some example among many in the horse community who were able to get on their four feet.

Horse diver and life guard

[img]/images/various_uploads/Sea_Horse.jpg[/img]

Horse in mid-level management position

[img]/images/various_uploads/Horse_Office_Worker.jpg[/img]

Sex worker

[img]/images/various_uploads/Horse_Sex.jpg[/img]

And finally...

[img]/images/various_uploads/Washington_Horses_Red_Square.jpg[/img]

Sounds like we may have a new face for the "Poor Me" victim issue .... unemployed horses who fail at life. This pony needs to be put in his place on the grain line.

Hammer and Loupe wrote: Comrade, have you heard of stampedes? Simply have the capitalist be in front of one. No need for manually driven cars. Besides, would it be fair to the self driving cars if you drove cars yourself?

Komrade, I stand corrected. Although, a stampede would be wasteful. You don't need a bunch of scared bulls. All you need is one very angry bull as seen in the two latin-flavored films below:

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Highly Esteemed Comrades, Progressive Citizens Of The World - for the Common Good of Horses, let's study the DeepThink of HopeyChangey, our Historic Dear Leader of The Planetary Community !

Can you remember the Key Conclusions of the most recent Seminar, ah, I mean Summit on Violent Extremism ? ...

Yeah, right, exactly. The lack of Horse jobs inevitably leads to a new cultural trait within the Horse Community : Horselamic jihad ! Now, this of itself bears the danger of a macroaggression : Horswise cultural appropriation of jihad ( "a holy struggle to [spiritually] purify oneself or one's community" ; for further explanation, if need be, please contact Mr. John O. Brennan, the head honcho of CIA ).

But here comes Hope for Change - and the final Glory Of Next Tuesday !

With a totally, like, klean-energy-based economy, the outrageous cultural appropriation of HP - indeed, a horrendous macroaggression, nay, gigaaggression on the Horse Community - will end, of course ! With klean-energy-propelled vehicles there will be no HP anymore - only KP, Klean Power.

At that point, the Planetary Community will be five days away from fundamentally transforming the United Herds of Horses, into Rainbow Propelled Unicorns. That's it.

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P.S. The transformatory process is well understood ( just yet another Seminar, ah, I mean Summit, and bingo !, here we go ). See the three main stooges, ah, I mean stages of the Messianic Transformation :

1
and :
2
and :
3

This gives me an idea - our horse comrades should all be tested for their flatulence output measured in CFU (Cow Fart Units). Then flatulence ration cards should be issued, with quotas and credits that can be traded on the market, just like all other carbon credits.

Based on their diet and consumption of resources, the less industrious horses can be trading their cards with those who "pull more weight" so to speak.

This will allow us not only to subsidize those who are not pulling the wight at the expense of those who do, but also to create a new powerful government bureaucracy to oversee the distribution and exchange of horse flatulence quotas and credits.

It's a win-win for progress any way you look at it!

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yeah, CFU/HFU, yippee ya yay !

I just contacted (honorable) Charles Bolden of NASA. After his, HopeyChangey defined, main mission - outreach to Muslim Spacey Community - is accomplished*, little me suggested a fundamental transformation of NASA's, ah, propellancy - from fossilized mediums to CFU/HFU. Essentially, the same shtik as the Xperimental algae-based, ah, propellancy in the US Air Force ( and the analogous doohickey in the US Navy ).

* as the news transmit, Muslims fly into space - very low orbit - basically day in, day out ( and in global scope - now, that's some helluva outreach ! ).