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Gov't to measure and tax your flatulence through cap & trade

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WASHINGTON DC - Little tiny instruments tucked in a small capsule can track how much gas you are producing, sending signals to a government agency tasked with tracking, measuring, and capping your release of greenhouse, or rather brownhouse gasses, to ensure a better future for our children.

The gas you have been so far uncontrollably releasing into the atmosphere can very likely be the cause of cataclysmic events that make nuclear winter look like a walk in a park. Until now your right to release the dangerous methane freely has been protected by the U.S. Constitution, just like your right to free speech and free enterprise, leading to a situation when citizens took for granted their habit to pass gas at will and without any government permission.

The threat of man-made global climate change, however, makes such wanton behavior no longer acceptable. With this in mind, a new regulatory agency, Flatulence Directorate within the EPA, was created with the purpose of measuring all human flatulence generated within the borders of the continental United States, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Virgin Islands, in order to put these emissions under control of the federal government.

Government scientists believe that we can effectively fight climate change by creating incentives for all American citizens to lower their individual methane emissions though a fair "cap and trade" system, whereby those unwilling to control their individual gasses will be taxed in proportion to their emissions, and any money that remains after covering the Flatulence Directorate's operating expenses, will be redistributed to the less flatulent citizens, thus encouraging their exemplary low-flatulence behavior.

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These are no longer legal to possess, transport, or sell.

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Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years: Here's a small sample of interesting fart-facts:

SOME FACTS

Fart control device: In 1998, Chester "Buck" Weimer of Pueblo, CO received a patent for the first undergarment that contained a replaceable charcoal filter. The garments are air-tight and provide a pocketed escape hole in which a charcoal filter can be inserted. In 2001 Mr Weimer received the Ig Nobel Prize for Biology for his invention.

Farting banned: In January 2011, the Malawi Minister of Justice, George Chaponda, said that Air Fouling Legislation would make public farting illegal in his country. When reporting the story, the media satirized Chaponda's statement with punning headlines. Later, the minister withdrew his statement.

Fart tax: The New Zealand government proposed an agricultural emissions research levy which promptly became known as a "fart tax" or "flatulence tax". It encountered opposition from farmers, farming lobby groups and opposition politicians.

Missile fuel: In May 2000, a U.S. patent was issued for a "Toy gas fired missile and launcher assembly", a product that would allow one's "colonic gases" to be stored for later ignition to "fire the missile into space.

BOOKS

The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts

Who Cut The Cheese?

THE CRAPTEK PROPOSAL: Flatulence Sequestration* (still looking for a publisher)

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[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was blowing it out of his ass when he wrote: Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years...
.
You never mentioned this, Cappy...

Everyone knows that ladies do not fart! However, there are far too many mice squirrels-on-a-motorbike!
.

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We have been on top of this issue and breathing it in from the very first time this story erupted!

According to the story below, an adult human individual produces 0.02 CFU, or Cow Fart Units, which has become a golden standard of the international environmental community.

Volcano Releases One Trillion Cow Farts Into Atmosphere

... the biggest achievement of the IPCF has become an international acceptance of the Cow Fart Unit, or CFU, which has become a universal standard in measuring air quality and pollution, as well as commercially distributed carbon credits.

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Oh, dear.

Now I need to make a hokey schtick Hockey Stick for farting.

My work here at the State Science Institute never ends...

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Red Square wrote:We have been on top of this issue and breathing it in from the very first time this story erupted!

According to the story below, an adult human individual produces 0.02 CFU, or Cow Fart Units, which has become a golden standard of the international environmental community.


I wonder if there is a "CFU Standard" maintained in a temperature and humidity controlled enclosure deep in the bowels of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures to serve as a standard reference? Also, I have another question: Are CFUs measured using Imperial or US customary units? Imperial CFUs sound so elitist!

Fart-Pack.jpg

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I request that the phrase "cap and trade" be removed from the graphic. The visualization that spawned from it wasn't very pleasant. My bum gets sore just thinking about it.

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Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was blowing it out of his ass when he wrote: Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years...
.
You never mentioned this, Crappy...

[highlight=#ffff00]Everyone knows that ladies do not fart! However, there are far too many mice squirrels-on-a-motorbike![/highlight]

Hazmat.jpg




Just another scurrilous rumor spread by gaseous female windbreakers for the purpose of diverting blame to innocent creatures! I have no time for such foolishness...

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Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was blowing it out of his ass when he wrote: Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years...
.
You never mentioned this, Cappy...

Everyone knows that ladies do not fart! However, there are far too many mice squirrels-on-a-motorbike!
.

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I normally do not doubt a lady, except in my own mind, but in this case I must doubt your postulation that ladies do not break wind whilst gentlemen do. The truth is that both break wind with comparable frequencies and sizes. However, they both differ, as I have found that the male wind generally is raucous and of little or no insulting scent, whereas the female wind generally is silent, and of a foul, very offensive odor. I believe that the illusion of ladies lacking the ability to produce and jettison wind is caused by the silence of the wind combined with the design of ladies' dresses being apt to capture and retain wind until it has properly dissipated without even the slightest sliver of olfactory offense. Furthermore, I have been subject to the offense of womanly wind many times, and I would not be taken aback to find that the wallpaper or even paint of a room had begun to peel off, crack, and fall to the floor as a result of said wind.

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Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was blowing it out of his ass when he wrote: Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years...
.
You never mentioned this, Crappy...

Everyone knows that ladies do not fart! However, there are far too many mice squirrels-on-a-motorbike!
[/size][/font]


Comrade Putout,

Do you remember this photo? No? I have a few other "images" of you as well. Some are, shall we say, rather personal. It'd be a shame if they were accidently uploaded to the cloud where all manner of perverts might accidently noticed them. Ah, but that's not likely to happen...is it?

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If that rodent is in posession of photographicals of Comrade Putout, they should be redistributed for the People to evaluate.

Just sayin'...

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:If that rodent is in posession of photographicals of Comrade Putout, they should be redistributed for the People to evaluate.

Just sayin'...

Well, that didn't take long did it? Quoting myself from earlier, "It'd be a shame if they were accidently uploaded to the cloud were [highlight=#FFFF00]all manner of perverts might accidently noticed them[/highlight]."

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While a rodent is a rodent, a portfolio of "Putout's Finest" can go a long way toward mending squirrel-damaged property and...

No, nevermind that crap.

I just want access to the files. Purely for academic and research purposes, of course, and to protect the Children ™

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[color=#C0392B]Capitalist Captain Craptek[/color] wrote:
Comrade Putout,

Do you remember this photo?

No... but I found this image on the internet after a very short search!

I see you are still 'hawking' your 'crap!'

Speaking of hawks... where is a hawk when you need one!
.

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Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Capitalist Captain Craptek[/color] wrote:
Comrade Putout,

Do you remember this photo?

No... but I found this image on the internet after a very short search!

I see you are still 'hawking' your 'crap!'

Speaking of hawks... where is a hawk when you need one!
.

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Slogan:

Hot air out the front AND the back!

Captain Craptek wrote:"It'd be a shame if they were accidently uploaded to the cloud were [highlight=#FFFF00]all manner of perverts might accidently noticed them[/highlight]."

I'll [highlight=#ffffff]download[/highlight] you a cloud ... or two or three, and it'll serve you right you rascally rodent. Sit in a new pew for a change.


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Sterlitz and Putout! Both of you. Go denounce yourselves and write on the blackboard 100 times each

"action figures are not dolls"


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Lev Termen wrote:And this just in: First flatatory exchange lawsuit filed.

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Comrades,

Seriously, this doesn't smell right. Who ever heard of copyrighting farts? Hmmmm? Next thing you know somebody from Folkmanis (whoever the hell they are) will claim their patented HippoFarts™ have been clinically proven to cure blindness and leprosy! This story reeks to high heaven!

Captain Craptek wrote:
Lev Termen wrote:And this just in: First flatatory exchange lawsuit filed.

BertTheLawsuitHippo.jpg

Comrades,

Seriously, this doesn't smell right. Who ever heard of copyrighting farts? Hmmmm? Next thing you know somebody from Folkmanis (whoever the hell they are) will claim their patented HippoFarts™ have been clinically proven to cure blindness and leprosy! This story reeks to high heaven!

Perhaps if our 'friends' at Snopes.com were to catch wind of this 'lawsuit' they could defunk it as just another foul troll release into the internet air

User avatar
Lev Termen wrote:
Captain Craptek wrote:"It'd be a shame if they were accidently uploaded to the cloud were [highlight=#FFFF00]all manner of perverts might accidently noticed them[/highlight]."

I'll [highlight=#ffffff]download[/highlight] you a cloud ... or two or three, and it'll serve you right you rascally rodent. Sit in a new pew for a change.

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Fart Proudly

Much wisdom has been passed Forward! to our modern age, to wit:


Juliet:
'Tis almost morning, I would have thee gone—
And yet no farther than a wan-ton's bird,
That lets it hop a little from his hand,
Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,
And with a silken thread plucks it back again,
So loving-jealous of his liberty.

Romeo:
I would I were thy bird.

Juliet:
Sweet, so would I,
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
Good night, good night! Farting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow. [Exit]

For this, Comrade Crapspeare, you demand munificent remunification? Here is a purse of moneys, sir, which I shall not give thee; nay sir, not a farthing.

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Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was blowing it out of his ass when he wrote: Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years...
.
You never mentioned this, Cappy...

Everyone knows that ladies do not fart! However, there are far too many mice squirrels-on-a-motorbike!
.

Image

Hey, you guys! Nuthin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven and Pamalinsky says it best!
Frrrp!

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michael-moore.jpg

Capping farts is dangerous business. You could wind up looking like Comrade Mikhail Moore.

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Captain Craptek wrote:
fart.png
Comrades,

I've been researching a story on farts for years: Here's a small sample of interesting fart-facts:

SOME FACTS

Fart control device: In 1998, Chester "Buck" Weimer of Pueblo, CO received a patent for the first undergarment that contained a replaceable charcoal filter. The garments are air-tight and provide a pocketed escape hole in which a charcoal filter can be inserted. In 2001 Mr Weimer received the Ig Nobel Prize for Biology for his invention.

Farting banned: In January 2011, the Malawi Minister of Justice, George Chaponda, said that Air Fouling Legislation would make public farting illegal in his country. When reporting the story, the media satirized Chaponda's statement with punning headlines. Later, the minister withdrew his statement.

[highlight=#ffff00]Fart tax: The New Zealand government proposed an agricultural emissions research levy which promptly became known as a "fart tax" or "flatulence tax". It encountered opposition from farmers, farming lobby groups and opposition politicians.
[/highlight]
Missile fuel: In May 2000, a U.S. patent was issued for a "Toy gas fired missile and launcher assembly", a product that would allow one's "colonic gases" to be stored for later ignition to "fire the missile into space.

BOOKS

The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts

Who Cut The Cheese?

THE CRAPTEK PROPOSAL: Flatulence Sequestration* (still looking for a publisher)

Listen Craptek,

I think you're on to something. If we are not diligent here, the Rethuglicans could use this “Flatulence Tax” business as a cover for their diabolical “Flat Tax.”

This would be a disaster for “Climate Change.™” I mean, we like to keep the public “informed” by using shorter words to define everything, because Stupid American People™. So, because of this, we must keep using the term “Fart Tax.” That way, we're covered.

Also, we can advise The Stupid American People™, in the interests of their comfort, to simply light a match to alleviate the smell. I mean, that's what they do at rock concerts to support causes, right? There are some things you just can't cap, know what I mean?

So, I'm good with the Fart Tax™. ; • )

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I'm wondering if this should be more appropriately labelled "crap and trade".

User avatar
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I'm wondering if this should be more appropriately labelled "crap and trade".

Most equal idea, KKK. Most equal!
Always good to "get right down to the real nitty-gritty"!

Image (p.s.: nitty-gritty=truth)

User avatar
Pamalinsky wrote:
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I'm wondering if this should be more appropriately labelled "crap and trade".

Most equal idea, KKK. Most equal!
Always good to "get right down to the real nitty-gritty"!

Image (p.s.: nitty-gritty=truth)

I find that corn makes mine gritty, something about those shells staying in. And I have to eat a couple balls of yarn to make it nitty.

User avatar
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Pamalinsky wrote:
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I'm wondering if this should be more appropriately labelled "crap and trade".

Most equal idea, KKK. Most equal!
Always good to "get right down to the real nitty-gritty"!

Image (p.s.: nitty-gritty=truth)

I find that corn makes mine gritty, something about those shells staying in. And I have to eat a couple balls of yarn to make it nitty.

Grits are great!
I posted this on another thread but it still applies here:


 
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