Greenbelt, MD -- The James Webb telescope detected Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere of exoplanet WASP-39b this week.  In response, NASA fast tracked several projects to beam warning messages to the planet about climate change and send an unmanned probe equipped with Al Gore's presentation "An Inconvenient Truth" to alert everyone on the planet to the peril they are in.

Along with the slideshow - converted from Microsoft Powerpoint to the more universal PDF format - NASA is putting together policy recommendations for the planet.  These mainly involve uniting under one global government and forcing 98% of the population to submit to draconian changes to their way of life, such as an all-bug diet.  Experts say this is the only way to combat the extreme weather that computer models predict will happen "really soon."

The planet lies 700 light-years from earth and little was known about it but approximate size and orbital distance until yesterday's announcement.  Environmental protestors immediately started gluing themselves to telescopes and celebrities began warming up their personal jets to raise awareness about WASP-39b's danger.

Hello, my pronouns are Beepbopbalubop and Balopbamboo

Comrade, why are we helping a racist, facist WASP planet?  Are WASPs not deplorables?  WASP cis-males are to be canceled, taxed, and dehumanized.  Comrade Canadian Trudope knows what to do with them. 

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You know I didn't even think about the name... is this one of those 'dog whistles' we were hearing so much about a couple years back?