Washington, D.C. — U.S. District Judge James E. Boasberg, noted enthusiast of post-rational jurisprudence and the West Wing as constitutional theory, issued a nationwide injunction Tuesday declaring the United States Constitution unconstitutional—citing its promotion of problematic originalism, blatant self-violation, and general incompatibility with what he described as “today’s flexible truth environment.”

In his 113-page opinion (also available as a spoken-word podcast and coloring book), Judge Boasberg explained that the Constitution’s system of checks and balances has “spiraled into a Möbius strip of legal paradoxes,” thereby ushering America into what he termed “the Schrödinger’s Republic phase of its experiment.”

As an interim measure, the judge recommended that governing authorities rely on “vibes, consensus feelings, and the transcripts of Rachel Maddow’s daily broadcasts.”

Critics called the decision “judicial cosplay” and warned that unless reversed, it could lead to the immediate ratification of all ideas previously considered “too dumb for college dorm rooms.”

“Judge Boasberg just placed himself above the White House and possibly above gravity,” said a spokesperson for the Trump Administration. “We’ve gone from government by the people to government by the people who moderate Wikipedia.”

As one unnamed constitutional scholar put it, “What else did you expect when some states have replaced the Constitution with HOA rules, and half the county thinks the Federalist Papers were a garage-rock band.”

Not everyone was alarmed. In a street interview, a bystander named TJ shrugged: “If the Constitution is unconstitutional, does that mean everything else is constitutional now? Like, can I park in a no-parking zone? Asking for a friend with 47 tickets.”

Still, some see the ruling as visionary. “It’s about time someone pointed out that a document written in cursive might be unreadable for women and minorities,” said activist Ima Rebel. “We could crowdsource a new one—something nonbinary and ideally in Comic Sans.”

Judge Boasberg’s ruling is expected to face challenges in higher courts, assuming any remain by the end of next week. In the meantime, all three branches of government have been instructed to consult their horoscopes before taking further action.

Once again, ushanka tip to Margaret for the inspiring headline.

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/10/2025, 10:00 am

Still, some see the ruling as visionary. “It’s about time someone pointed out that a document written in cursive might be unreadable for women and minorities,” said activist Ima Rebel. “We could crowdsource a new one—something nonbinary and ideally in Comic Sans.”

Comrades, by suggestion, The Constitution of the USSA in Comic Sans with Autofeatherpen signatures:

 

And half the county thinks the Federalist Papers is a garage-rock band.”
 

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

4/10/2025, 2:39 pm

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/10/2025, 10:00 am

Still, some see the ruling as visionary. “It’s about time someone pointed out that a document written in cursive might be unreadable for women and minorities,” said activist Ima Rebel. “We could crowdsource a new one—something nonbinary and ideally in Comic Sans.”

Comrades, by suggestion, The Constitution of the USSA in Comic Sans with Autofeatherpen signatures:


 

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:12 am

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

And the signatures need to include their preferred pronouns.


 

Margaret wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:42 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:12 am

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

And the signatures need to include their preferred pronouns.


 

At last the arc has bent and tumped the Constitution over. With a long enough pole and a correctly placed fulcrum such things can happen, just like Obama dreamed.

Thought - Boasberg should mark his forehead with an “X” just like Charles Manson did. In fact, Boasberg and Manson appear to have the same forehead above their crazy eyes.

Good grief, I am confused! Comrade Red Square posted," It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation." Then how can one feed the living, breathing constitution, as the Goracle and others have insisted? Is the theory proposed present in all the events of the physical order?

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:12 am

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

4/10/2025, 2:39 pm

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/10/2025, 10:00 am

Still, some see the ruling as visionary. “It’s about time someone pointed out that a document written in cursive might be unreadable for women and minorities,” said activist Ima Rebel. “We could crowdsource a new one—something nonbinary and ideally in Comic Sans.”

Comrades, by suggestion, The Constitution of the USSA in Comic Sans with Autofeatherpen signatures:

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

Comrade, I put it on parchment to evoke full emotional impact among those who otherwise would mistake it for a divorce decree.

I considered other choices for paper based on legibility, including Kid Bristol, French Arches, Newsprint, Notebook, fluorescent lime green poster board, and Toilet...in that order.

If you have a suitable substitute, name it and I will ink up the printing press and try again. 

 
 

Margaret wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:42 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:12 am

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

And the signatures need to include their preferred pronouns.

Comrades, I'm trying to keep it down to one page.

Also, considering the document was signed by late 18th Century devout (at least by today's standards) Christian men, it's safe to assume that "preferred pronouns" would have been a total head-scratcher for them (as it should be to today).
 

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 6:13 pm

Margaret wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:42 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:12 am

The new nonbinary Constitution can’t be on parchment anymore—unless it’s used as a vintage background texture in WordPress. It must be fully mobile-responsive, reflowing on an iPhone depending on screen orientation. Sentences and vocabulary should auto-adjust based on your AI-profiled reading level, emotional state, and most-liked TikToks.

And the signatures need to include their preferred pronouns.

Comrades, I'm trying to keep it down to one page.

Also, considering the document was signed by late 18th Century devout (at least by today's standards) Christian men, it's safe to assume that "preferred pronouns" would have been a total head-scratcher for them (as it should be to today).
 

Wow! Colonel O, you are so far reeducated, you’re on your way back in. Devout Christian men by tomorrow’s standards is the future. Constitution Re-education Classes every other next Tuesday. Registration required.

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:54 am

Thought - Boasberg should mark his forehead with an “X” just like Charles Manson did. In fact, Boasberg and Manson appear to have the same forehead above their crazy eyes.

According to one Facebook comment, Boasberg looks like he’s ready to make bath salts great again.

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 7:38 pm

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

4/12/2025, 11:54 am

Thought - Boasberg should mark his forehead with an “X” just like Charles Manson did. In fact, Boasberg and Manson appear to have the same forehead above their crazy eyes.

According to one Facebook comment, Boasberg looks like he’s ready to make bath salts great again.

Looks that way.


Other things, too.

 

You commies may have law, order, decency and righteous defenders of truth like Judge Boasberg, Bernie Sanders and AOC on your side but we have chaos, chaos, chaos and more chaos on our side!

Oligarchy now!

Most Equally Esteemed $.$. Musk,

While it is certainly not my place to explain anything The Party™ does or doesn’t do, I feel compelled to try to help you avoid any unscheduled rail trips. 

$.$. Musk wrote: ↑

4/14/2025, 12:34 pm

You commies may have law, order, decency and righteous defenders of truth like Judge Boasberg, Bernie Sanders and AOC on your side but we have chaos, chaos, chaos and more chaos on our side!

Oligarchy now!

We “commies” wouldn’t know what law, order or decency were if they jumped up and bit us on our Left gonad.  This is because we have The Current Truth™.  Not to be confused with The Truth or any Inconvenient Truths.  Our Useful Idiots will always vigorously defend The Current Truth™.  Mostly due to cognitive defect.  This is what makes them “Useful”.  The chaos found in the USSA today is nothing compared to what we will bring when the time comes.  Have your Oligarchy now, we will host you at one of our austere rustic educational facilities later.  See you soon!

On a side note: Chaos is an acronym we used often in the Peoples Air Forces long ago.  

CHAOS = (the) Colonel Has Another Outstanding Suggestion

No Colonel associated with The People’s Cube could be described by that statement.  

Red Salmon

Red Salmon wrote: ↑

4/14/2025, 6:33 pm

CHAOS = (the) Colonel Has Another Outstanding Suggestion

No Colonel associated with The People’s Cube could be described by that statement.  
Red Salmon

Most equally esteemed Comrade Red Salmon,  I am pleased that you added that clarification.

Meanwhile, we've submitted a request to the high commission to review the vetting process while we warm up the engine on an expedited train to transport resistance hooligans confused comrades to a place much like Disneyland except far, far colder and without the food courts or trans princess greeters.

CHAOS = Comrades Have Alternative Operational Solutions   
 

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

4/14/2025, 7:22 pm

Red Salmon wrote: ↑

4/14/2025, 6:33 pm

CHAOS = (the) Colonel Has Another Outstanding Suggestion

No Colonel associated with The People’s Cube could be described by that statement.  
Red Salmon

Most equally esteemed Comrade Red Salmon,  I am pleased that you added that clarification.

Meanwhile, we've submitted a request to the high commission to review the vetting process while we warm up the engine on an expedited train to transport resistance hooligans confused comrades to a place much like Disneyland except far, far colder and without the food courts or trans princess greeters.

CHAOS = Comrades Have Alternative Operational Solutions   
 

Comrades, the jackalope has the cooking with chaos thing, right here…Taco Tuesday Chaos.

$.$. Musk wrote: ↑

4/14/2025, 12:34 pm

You commies may have law, order, decency and righteous defenders of truth like Judge Boasberg, Bernie Sanders and AOC on your side but we have chaos, chaos, chaos and more chaos on our side!

Oligarchy now!

The tangent trail of the jackalope leading to posting of chaos, chaos, chaos and MORE chaos on our side was NOT off target, comrades. Many years ago the jackalope pondered American pet life and thought, if same thing was happening in some shit hole country, then celebrate the chaos! Goat in your living room in upscale San Fransisco is just as equal as goat in someone else's living room in clownscaleTijuana. Both goats have GoFundMe accounts, btw.

The long sought after quest of American self-loathing has just little urban achiever declared what was secretly known and just now released for public dissemination. The untold, until now, secret is that the U.S. Constitution created a bunch of jobs for nincompoops working themselves out of a job.

Red Square:

U.S. District Judge James E. Boasberg, noted enthusiast of post-rational jurisprudence and the West Wing as constitutional theory, issued a nationwide injunction Tuesday declaring the United States Constitution unconstitutional—citing its promotion of problematic originalism, blatant self-violation, and general incompatibility with what he described as “today’s flexible truth environment.”

This is almost the Glorious World of Next Tuesday achievement level accomplishment.

Like $$ Musk reminds us, just remember, our little friend, Chaos!
"But, we'll always have Chaos! on our side."
Bovine equality in the USA is so Brazil, the jackalope may get away for some mental enjoyment in the Current Truth™.

Most Equally Esteemed Comrades,

Out of chaos comes opportunity.  I’m sure I heard that somewhere before.

Red Salmon

Just found this (in my recent archives). Our comrades at the Babylon Bee took at more generalized stab at this topic a few months ago (before it became trendy):