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E-mail itKyrzakhstan protests America's denial of its existence
While some opponents have contended that Sen. John Kerry, the newly-confirmed US Secretary of State, misspoke when he identified democratic reforms in Kyrzakhstan, people throughout the tiny, Central Asian republic are disappointed that Americans are unaware of their existence.
The Islamic Socialist Republic of Kyrzakhstan is sandwiched between the borders of eastern Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, and China. An ethnically diverse community, they have largely been ignored in geopolitics due to their extreme poverty and lack of resources.
Kyrzakhstani rappers Fifty Kopecks and
Kanye East after a morning concert at the local
mosque.
Activists of the local skinhead community take a
scenic walkalong the border as they enjoy their
favorite pastime they call "tourist-spotting."
A Kyrzakhstani toddler returns home to his wife
after a long day of work at the meatpacking
summer camp.
Kyrzakhstanis stick to their tradition of looking
at the menu, even though local restaurants
have long ago stopped printing them due to the
shortage of paper.
A Kyrzakhstani man would like to send John
Kerry this "Kiss me, I'm Kirzakhstani" shirt as
soon as he finds out his home address.
During the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the Kyrzakhstanis declared independence without any objections from neighboring Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan, both of which consider the 250-square-mile territory too remote to administer effectively.
China considered invading the tiny province in their war against Uyghur rebels a few decades ago, until they realized that the country had no paved roads and the only motor vehicles that remained after the Soviet withdrawal have not operated in 20 years.
"Everyone has forgotten about us, which is fine," said Choomgiz Choomgizkhanov, a Kyrzakhstani regional Imam Commissar. "This has given us the freedom to implement our traditional ways enlightened by Socialist thinking."
Choomgiz Choomgizkhanov, a Kyrzakhstani
regional Imam Commissar
While no one in Kyrzakhstan is entirely sure what democratic reforms Sen. Kerry was referring to, locals are proud of their implementation of 'Islamic Socialism.' Among their most valued accomplishments has been the establishment of what they call 'Marxist-Leninist Sharia.'
While Islamic jurisprudence known as Sharia is not generally associated with Soviet-style socialism, modern Kyrzakhstan has found a way to meld the two very different systems.
Choomgizkhanov explains that in the case of theft, which Sharia says is punishable by amputation of the hand for the third offense, Marxist-Leninist Sharia takes a more socialist approach, which spreads individual punishment throughout an entire village or tribe.
"So, we do not cut off the hand of the thief; instead, we cut off one finger from everyone in the village." Choomgizkhanov held up his left hand to reveal several missing digits, which he attributed to "bad neighbors." "This way, we all share in the burden of being honest and not violating the laws of Allah."
When asked if such measures could potentially suppress the reporting of crime, Choomgizkhanov emphatically agreed that it did and that Kyrzakhstanis were happy with this outcome.
"When nobody wants to report crime, we have less crime to deal with," Choomgizkhanov said. "We like when everyone keeps quiet."
Choomgizkhanov said that Kyrzakhstanis are not interested in democracy or human rights, preferring to live in tribal enclaves that practice collective goat herding. Major political decisions are made by Kyrzakhstani Communist Party officials at the regional mosque, which doubles as Party Headquarters.
"There have been too many assassinations of our Party Chairmen in tribal disputes, so we stopped electing them sometime back," noted Choomgizkhanov. "It doesn't matter anyhow, since we don't listen to anyone above the local imam."
Though largely cut off from the world with no TV or radio services, Kyrzakhstanis do receive some outside news through visitors they kidnap along their borders and hold for ransom, which is the second largest source of income for most Kyrzakhstanis aside from goat herding.
In spite of their geographical isolation, Kyrzakhstanis aren't strangers to the latest cultural trends. Native Kyrzakhstani rapper Fifty Kopecks is famous for blending hip-hop with traditional local tunes, accompanying his often irreverent lyrics by plucking strings on a kyl-kobyz with his two remaining fingers. The latter is not an impediment because traditionally kyl-kobyzes have only two strings.
Upon hearing that American conservatives and Republicans were deriding Sen. Kerry for mentioning their existence, Choomgizkhanov asked to relay a message to the outside world.
"Come and see that we are here," said Choomgizkhanov. "And, when you do, please bring ammunition, because we are running low."
There is no copy so the whole process will begin again.
It is also where SoS John Kerry docks his yacht in order to
The small picture of Kirzakhstani rappers doesn't do them justice. Here is full version:
More good footage from Kirzakhstan we didn't have time to caption:
Igor Toutellalai
the country had no paved roads and the only motor vehicles that remained after the Soviet withdrawal have not operated in 20 yearsObviously our Dear Leader is sending the Minister of Ketchup and Foreign Affairs to Kyrzakhstan so we can learn more about their planet-friendly transportation system and impose it upon America.
Thank you (and Comrade Kerry, Re-Person) for opening the Others' closed minds to the wider world around them. These riveting photos and facts about life in Kirzakhstan remind me of a Kyrgyz (with family in Kirzakhstan) I once knew, and I do not mean that in a reactionary Biblical sense.
Igor Toutellalai
Native Kyrzakhstani rapper Fifty Kopecks is famous for blending hip-hop with traditional local tunes, accompanying his often irreverent lyrics by plucking strings on a kyl-kobyz with his two remaining fingers. The latter is not an impediment because traditionally kyl-kobyzes have only two strings.
Comrade Toutellalai, it is times like these that remind me of how much we miss you at our morning vodka breaks with your knowledge of all things historical . Hopefully your duties at the cover-up of the People's Federal Reserve Audit will be finished soon and you will be back with us once again.
(We may detect some involvement by the People's Director but valuable communication regardless the source.)
Princess Nookie
Love me some Fifty Kopecks! Fitty!!!!The question on everyone's minds, Princess, is would you pay fifty Kopecks to love you some Kanye East? Actually, it may just be on Kanye East's mind because he could really use fifty Kopecks, but I think we're all curious.
This is wrong, totally wrong, but hardly surprising when you consider Pat Sajak is known to be a Republican. Vowels are so very important to the formation of words, so why must they be bought? People spin the wheel to receive so much money, only to have to turn around and pay some of it to Pat just to get a lousy vowel, when they should never have to give that money to anyone but the government!
Which brings me to my point: Vowels are a right. Every word has the right to at least one vowel. So why should anyone have to pay money for them?
Why should anyone have to choose between buying groceries and buying a vowel?
Why should anyone have to choose between buying medicines and buying a vowel?
Why should anyone have to choose between paying for their cell phone and--oh, wait, I forgot, those are free now. But you see the point I'm making, and it's not just a point but standard Party Talking Points that should probably be updated.
Vowels are a right. Every word is entitled to vowels. Ergo, the government should be responsible for providing them through redistribution. And what better place to start but one that, as you pointed out, has more vowels than it could ever possibly need--Israel!
Kyrzakhstan may not protest its need for more vowels because it doesn't know it needs them, and indeed, is entitled to them! So we must raise their awareness by telling them they have a vowel crisis caused by greedy Republicans like Pat Sajak, and if we can whip them up in enough of a frenzy, in due course they'll be out in the streets torching cars and breaking windows, etc. to get their fair share of vowels.
But this is one example--and we could come up with a million of them--of how people never seem to realize they can't live without something unless we tell them!
You would probably never in a million years recognize the people in the photo above as being revolutionary leaders in a movement, particularly a vowel movement, but indeed they are. And that's why they're so successful - they're sly. And well lubricated (beet vodka is plentiful in Kyrzakhstan). Frankly, it's not much of a strain at all to picture these vowel jihadis eventually seeing their vowel movement spread worldwide!
We live in exciting times, fellow travelers.
Well done Igor!
Quote:
My dear SMO, as Queen of the Welfare Queens, I clock a lot of hours every day watching soap operas, talk shows, courtroom dramas, and last but certainly not least, game shows, to include Wheel of Fortune. And if I've learned just one thing from watching that particular program, it's that vowels must be bought.Ever since my coma in 2008 when I discovered how much a person can be awake when they think you're unconscious, but couldn't let anyone know because they had me on a ventilator and a paralytic so I couldn't even blink, and the only time I could see anything, however blurry, was when they turned down the lights and took off whatever-the-f**k they had over my eyes three or four times a day to put goop in them to keep them from drying out... I've referred to it as Wheel of Torture. And when I hear even the initial refrains of Maggie May or Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, I want to stick a f**king fork in my eye and I start hyperventilating. You wouldn't believe the crap they listen to and watch at the nurses station. I'm surprised they're not all insane, but I literally can't think of the phrase "pick a letter," without reaching for the cyanide pill I now carry with me everywhere. Just to put you in the frame-of-mind, imagine not being able to feel anything, see, or move, having a bunch of alarms going off around you but not being able to tell where they're coming from, and someone close-by code and die, and thinking it was you because you can't tell what's happening to you at all... I'm a devout agnostic but I was pretty sure I was in hell. And having no control over what you're forced to listen to for the interminable periods of time you are conscious - I now fully understand why sound is often used as a torture device.
We shall speak of it no more.
Sis
The epidemic quickly spread to neighboring Central Asian republics, which forced the UN to recognized Irritable Vowel Syndrome, or IVS, as a pre-existing condition to be covered world-wide by American taxpayers under a previously unnoticed provision of Obamacare.
The socially conscious Kyrzakhstani rapper Kanye East responded to the IVS epidemic by adding more vowels to his name. He is now performing his infectious tunes as Kanye Yeast.
Popular Kyrzakhstani Rapper Kanye Yeast in a concert for the victims of Irritable Vowels Syndrome in Central Asia. Guest Appearance: Fifty Kopecks.
Our Glorious Peoples' Direktor, Red Square! He wanted to not be eligible to win, given his position, but I wouldn't let him drop out of the race. I just didn't think it would be fair.
Just gotta load this up...
Be right up, Boss... Oh! And this!...
Oh!... And can't forget this...
See! Nothing to worry about.
Dutifully,
Sis
Do we all not agree that he deserves to have a treat once in a while for being so good to us?
If we all made you a Father's Day Card, or a macaroni necklace, would you throw it away? We do it because we love you, and our devotion knows no bounds or healthy boundaries. And really, you asked for it. If you like, you can take off your shoe and bang it on a table repeatedly while it's being administered, if it would make you feel better about accepting it.
Red Rooster
A Bird in The Hand....... is worth two in a sink hole in Florida? (Sorry for the thread crossover)...
Commissarka Pinkie
Vowels are a right. Every word is entitled to vowels. Ergo, the government should be responsible for providing them through redistribution. And what better place to start but one that, as you pointed out, has more vowels than it could ever possibly need--Israel!A new DXCC country!
Quote:
Translated into English, the word kyrzakhstan means “vowels ain’t all that”.Little-known outside the region, Kyrzakhstani’s have a strong work ethic and an aggressively maniacal love of trigonometry due, it is thought, to the country’s geometric shape. Most Kyrzakhstani children can recite and explain Pythagorean’s Theorem by the time they are first able to speak.
Unfortunately, these trigonometric abilities also manifest themselves in other aspects of life - during conversation, Kyrzakhstanis tend to “go off on tangents” (as I would soon find out).
Where's Pamalinsky??
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