President Trump's recent whirlwind diplomacy tour - which included a meeting with Vladimir Putin in Alaska, followed by talks with President Zelensky and European leaders in Washington - has been described by supporters as "a masterclass in multi-board game strategy."

Eyewitnesses report that Trump treated the Alaska summit like high-stakes poker, bluffing Putin into showing his hand while simultaneously slamming down ping-pong shots of military aid guarantees across the net in Washington. At the same time, sources confirm he was moving Monopoly pieces around the board, buying up Ukrainian minerals and handing out "Get Out of War Free" cards – all while playing Twister with China and backgammon with India.

Despite the apparent progress, America's media establishment has declared the trip a "total disaster," with CNN accusing him of "passing go and collecting $200 in rubles."

Asked for comment, Trump said: "I'm playing every game at once and I'm winning them all. Nobody's ever seen diplomacy like this. But the media, they'll say I lost at tic-tac-toe. Very unfair."

An anonymous senior editor at The New York Times explained: "Even if Trump ended all wars tomorrow, people might start asking why we need experts, think tanks, or entire TV panels if one guy with a red tie can just end wars. Children might grow up believing diplomacy can be done without the United Nations. That's not the kind of precedent we want to set."

This NYT editor is not alone. We have collected a number of media headlines explaining why Trump's efforts to solve global conflict may be dangerous:
 

1. Peace May Create Shortage Of Grim Photographs Needed For Fundraising Emails.
   
2. Without Constant Conflict, Citizens Might Start Expecting Governments To Actually Solve Domestic Problems.
   
3. Trump’s Ceasefire Could Reduce Demand For CNN War Panels, Endangering Anchors’ Job Security.
   
4. Ending Wars Without Diversity, Equity, And Inclusion Training Is Problematic.
   
5. Peace Could Flood The Market With Veterans Who Know How To Win, Disrupting Safe-Space Culture.
   
6. Scholars Alarmed: Trump’s Diplomatic Success Undermines Entire Academic Field Of Conflict Studies.
   
7. Ending Wars Would Send Strong, Conservative Young Men Into Politics, Threatening Current Progressive Dominance.
   
8. Without Wars, International Journalists Might Be Forced To Cover School Board Meetings.
   
9. Ending Global Conflict Could Destabilize UN Cocktail Reception Schedule.
   
10. Economists Caution That Fewer Wars Could Mean Declining Sales In Camouflage Cargo Shorts Market.
    

Give war a chance!

My bottom line depends on it.

My favorite is #5. But, as a Progressive™, DEI is so important to me. Biological men should have the right to dress up in clown costumes and run around in the streets singing Tico Tico. And, of course the right to use girls locker rooms.