Unnamed Officials Neither Confirm Nor Deny Unofficial Quote

According to unnamed reliable sources, the White House is set to announce the formation of the Federal Bureau of "Quotations" to oversee media citations of all official White House announcements and denials of previous announcements.

In future, all media citations must fit within strictly defined classifications: unnamed, well-placed, unnamed well-placed, un-quoted, official, unofficial, official unnamed, official un-quoted, official well-placed, reliable, unnamed reliable, well-placed reliable, official unnamed well-placed, and unofficial un-quoted unnamed well-placed reliable.

The Federal Bureau of "Quotations" has set up a website to help the media and the reading public understand what the new classifications mean. An official unnamed well-placed reliable source said the site will be user-friendly, featuring a cute feline mascot named Miss Information to lead readers through the many details.

An unnamed well-placed un-quoted official didn't clarify whether, when spoken, the new entity should be pronounced as "Bureau of quote Quotations unquote" or simply stated as "Bureau of Quotations" with air quotes given at the appropriate moment. A second well-placed reliable source claimed air quotes should not be used so as not to offend the eye-hand-coordination-challenged.

When contacted, a third unofficial un-quoted unnamed well-placed reliable source denied everything, but confirmed multiple job openings at the Bureau's community-based Quotations Correctional facilities to help maintain safe, cost-efficient, and secure environment for media professionals in need of self-improvement opportunities offered to them by dedicated Quotations Correctional Officers.
 

Comrade, where can I quote "apply" unquote for one of these new jobs?
 

Will Beria

... featuring a cute feline mascot named Miss Information ... Meeee-ow.
 

As Comrade Marx once said, "Quote me as saying I was misquoted."
 

Quotation Correction and Marketing is always a major industry under totalitarianism.



 

It strains my limited imagination to believe that the Federal Bureau of "Quotations" will sufficiently address the various ways through which [quote] quotations [endquote] could be abused. After all, "the reading public" is only a small fraction of The People™, and the majority of that fraction are likely gulag-bait in any event. There is obviously a need for the further creation of numerous sub-departments and agencies headed by appointed czars who can create task forces to address the entire range of media outlets through which [quote] quotations [endquote] might appear to appear. For example, imagine the jobs that could be saved or created by a Department of Computer Generation responsible for inserting gender and race neutral or specific talking heads, as appropriate to the audience, for dissemination on Sunday morning [quote] news [unquote] programs. The possibilities are endless!
 

May I quote you on that, Comrade?
 

Is very old news,da? Comrade Commissar Williams enshrined this directive in Good Morning Viet Nam announcing what happened "unofficially" before the army censors pulled his plug.
These days everything is "cris-is" but we still haven't gotten Party Directive on what "is Is". Another star of Hollywood firmament, one Comrade Curtis said, "in confusion there is profit." Ministry of Truth wouldn't dare admit that. But Commissar Carney wouldn't keep his post if he knew one from the other. Ask Commissar AlGore. He gets it. He's got it. And we can't have it. Sic biscutis dissintegra. But this happens when Proletariat Members know too much. Discovery was made listening to the late Frank Zappa sing, "this town is a sealed tuna sandwich," while snot slobbering drunk. In sudden flash of inspiration, realized he was expounding about Washington D.C. So I will double up on beet vodka. Brain cells must die for the Kollektive.