By Oleg Atbashian
First published in PJ MEDIA

Did you know that the boy whom Putin kissed learned to fly? Or that Putin can browse the Internet with an abacus? Or that on his birthday critics drop dead from thinking bad thoughts about Putin?

Each year spent in the Kremlin makes the Motherland's President stronger, endowing him with more superpowers unbeknownst to man. For years, Party-approved rumors about Putin's supernatural abilities have been spreading over the internet in the Mother tongue. To translate them into the language of soulless capitalist oppressors is an idea whose time has come! If not now, when?

This Sunday the Motherland celebrated Vladimir Putin's 55th birthday. On this day good triumphed over evil, 564 terminally ill patients reached full recovery, and 10,000 people in loony bins got back their mental abilities and marched in the streets of Moscow wearing Putin T-shirts, chanting "Happy Birthday!" and carrying signs saying "Putin is our everything!"

THE WHOLE TRUTH
ABOUT THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT

A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma.

A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.

A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.

When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.

Putin's dog saved the world at least four times.

A combination of Putin's fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.

Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.

Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.

Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.

Putin's used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.

In the movies, Putin's part is usually played by his twin brother Chuck Norris.

Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.

Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.

Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.

When Putin's name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.

By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.

Putin's stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.

Putin's stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.

Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin's true name.

Saying Putin's name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.

Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.

Putin doesn't poop.

Inside Putin's nostrils grow miniature flowers pollinated by miniature bees.

Putin's love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually - a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.

Putin appeared in Thomas Edison's dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.

When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.

Putin doesn't need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen's eye level.

Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.

Putin helps the Russian economy by filling the Earth with oil from his personal reserves.

Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.

Putin knows every Russian citizen's name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.

When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.

When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.

If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.

If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.

If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.

* * *

UPDATE (MARCH 5, 2010):

Bumping this thread is an idea whose time has come! Now that Putin has won the election and will now serve his third term as president, we must celebrate with extra rations of vodka and beet rations!

And don't miss these recent additions to our Putiniana!

Russia. March 4, 2012. Presidential Election. PUTINATOR 3

Putin's Glasses Desperately Needing a Caption!

 

Ah, so now it is becoming clearer and clearer that what I have said about not counting our Motherland as down and out is right on target! Not that I wish to exalt my thinking as being better than others. As a matter of fact, I renounce myself for any semblance of thinking. Comrades, the Pup needs help! Yes, the Pup needs help indeed. I have found that as long as I can spend time viewing various training materials in regard to comrades of the female persuasion, or those all to rare times actually being near such a creature, or in the company of an appliance comrade, then no thoughts even begin to enter my head. But all too often these days I am confronted with "down time" and ugly thoughts try to enter my brain. Please, help me Comrades!

Putin, I need your touch, I long to be taken under your mighty wing in the struggle to return the Motherland to it's former power and beyond. My dream is for you and our Empress Hillary to stride the globe together in blissful Progressiveness.

BTW, just last week I passed on a chain letter praising Putin, and within 24 hours I received a check for 5,000 rubles from nowhere (which of course I sent immediately on to the Empress' campaign), and a light bulb in my dacha that had been out for 2 months started shining brighter than ever!

Heil Hillary!
 

Our Glorious Co-Leader, Uncle Vasha, puts the "Polit" back in "Politburo"! We may indeed live to see the day that our Beloved Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is restored to its rightful place among nations. I myself am looking forward to the day, when I again  can vacation on the East German riviera with the rest of the party faithful. (with the proper visas and internal travel documents, of course)

I do suppose that means we have to do something about that pesky German re-unification, however...
 

Commissar Pupovich, I notice from the above list of miracles attributed to Putin that he doesn't poop, but apparently he still pees.  

I recommend you try drinking a bottle of Putin's pee.  While it's hard to find and very expensive (I've heard it's a staple at all the Hollywood A-list parties), Putin's Elixir for Everlasting Progressive Ecstasy and Euphoria (or PEE PEE) will not only reduce your carbon footprint, but will improve HBO reception.

LINK: I'm sure it's the perfect tonic for all your complaints!
 

If there were no Putin we would have to invent him.
 

Thanks so much for the recommendation comrade Pinkie. I will certainly take it under the consideration it so richly deserves. BTW, there is yet another purpose it can be used for, which you can see if you go see The Heartbreak Kid in the movies right now.
 

Anyone up for some Russian Reggae?

It's called PLAN PUTINA (Putin's Plan) and derives its metaphoric meaning from the fact that the word "plan" in Russian means "plan" but is also a slang word for marijuana, thus comparing Putin's plan for Russia with a drug-induced hallucination.

План Путина


The video is made by Oleg Kozyrev and is based on the song by The Korean Pilots.
 

Commissar Pupovich

Thanks so much for the recommendation comrade Pinkie. I will certainly take it under the consideration it so richly deserves. BTW, there is yet another purpose it can be used for, which you can see if you go see The Heartbreak Kid in the movies right now.


ITS Super Putin


 

What is Super Putin communicating to Laika's cousin the infiltrator


I think this pic needs a caption contest......
 

DOG TO PUTIN: Bush changed security detail... Fifteen surveilance cameras... Ten guards around the perimeter... A freshly dug dog-size opening under the  wire fence... Caretaker likes cats...

PUTIN TO DOG:
You have been awarded the Friend of People Medal, comrade Belka, for your selfless service to the People at the heart of the beast and the discomfort of living away from the Motherland! Now, the new frequency of the signal this week will be...


 

LoneRedStar

What is Super Putin communicating to Laika's cousin the infiltrator
I think this pic needs a caption contest......

With all due respect .......Laika's cousins "Deep cover" has been compromised
The dog has to be put to sleep now.
Guy's Come on........We trained this animal for years.
Putin communicates with the dog.
He was getting the inside scoop.
We have just terminated "Project L.A.I.K.A."

SMERSH HEAD of KGB
Section 9.
 

Er... I hate to point this out.... but lets face it... we are talking Bush Sr. How much security does he need? Super Putin can hear everything the dog can hear with his super hearing, and can even see more than the noble dog with his super vision. Besides, even the most simple analysis can see that this communication was completely through brain wave transmission, an area the US lags far far behind. This communication is completely secure. Get with the program Comrades!

I am especially disappointed with SMERSH of all agencies for such lax analysis... unless of course this is a disinformation scheme, in which case I saw and heard nothing.
 

Commissar Pupovich

Er... I hate to point this out.... but lets face it... we are talking Bush Sr. How much security does he need? Super Putin can hear everything the dog can hear with his super hearing, and can even see more than the noble dog with his super vision. Besides, even the most simple analysis can see that this communication was completely through brain wave transmission, an area the US lags far far behind. This communication is completely secure. Get with the program Comrades!

I am especially disappointed with SMERSH of all agencies for such lax analysis... unless of course this is a disinformation scheme, in which case I saw and heard nothing.
TO SEE AND HEAR NOTHING IS A GOOD THING.
MORE COMMENTS LIKE THIS AND YOU WILL NEED TO BE RE-EDUCATED.

SMERSH HEAD of KGB
Section 9.
 

Caption Contest:

1.  Putin gets marching orders from Laika's Cousin!

2.  Infiltrator asks Putin to add some white to his suit.

3.  Putin crushes head of dog for peeing on Bushitler.

4.  Bushitler plays pocket pool while Putin romances Kanine.

5.  For the first time Bushitler notices Putin's cookie.

6.  Bushitler "He has a nice ass!  He must work out"

7.  Putin falls in love with dog after receiving severe leg humping.

8.  Putin tells Akmadinejad he thinks Bushitler is an idiot in Iranian.

9.  Putin "U R such a hot commie babe meet me on beach after Bushitler gives me Shell Oils phone number".

10. Putin plants video camera on pooch to get porn film of Barb and George.
 

Pinkie

Commissar Pupovich, I notice from the above list of miracles attributed to Putin that he doesn't poop, but apparently he still pees.  

I recommend you try drinking a bottle of Putin's pee.  While it's hard to find and very expensive (I've heard it's a staple at all the Hollywood A-list parties), Putin's Elixir for Everlasting Progressive Ecstasy and Euphoria (or PEE PEE) will not only reduce your carbon footprint, but will improve HBO reception.

LINK: I'm sure it's the perfect tonic for all your complaints!

If Putin doesn't poop but Putin does pee does Putin Poot?  and if so are his Poots Peeps?  These are questions which keep this poor comrade awake in the afternoon (instead of sleeping off the hangover from contemplating extensive posts with lots of figures)
 

Apparently, Putin, from his space station high above earth's atmosphere, has used his telekinetic powers to determine that Iran is NOT making nuclear weapons:

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id ... _article=1

Good thing that Putin and the rest of the Communist Society of Amerikka are on the job; fighting for freedom wherever there's trouble (oh, wait, that's GInternationalJoe)
 

Quote:

If Putin doesn't poop but Putin does pee does Putin Poot?  and if so are his Poots Peeps?  These are questions which keep this poor comrade awake in the afternoon (instead of sleeping off the hangover from contemplating extensive posts with lots of figures)


Given that the volume of Putin's colon is 6.2 liters and assuming a standard poliburo-level diet including no less than 17.4 grams of fat and 220 grams of carbohydrates, multiplying the coeficient by the secret number that will be revealed only if you say the magic woid (at which point a cuckoo will pop out of Dennis Kuchinick's forehead holding the number in his beak and you will win 50 carbon credits) I can confidently conclude that his flatus is indeed thunderous.
 

I can hardly believe my progressive pup ears, or nose for that matter! All of this poop about Putin! Putin's the Man! So what if his flatus is far superior to others? What can you expect? You watch, one day Putin will be getting the last laugh, along with the Empress of course.
 

Ivan Betinov

Given that the volume of Putin's colon is 6.2 liters and assuming a standard poliburo-level diet including no less than 17.4 grams of fat and 220 grams of carbohydrates, multiplying the coeficient by the secret number that will be revealed only if you say the magic woid (at which point a cuckoo will pop out of Dennis Kuchinick's forehead holding the number in his beak and you will win 50 carbon credits) I can confidently conclude that his flatus is indeed thunderous.

Urg.  I feel another hangover coming on.
 

Quote:

I can confidently conclude that his flatus is indeed thunderous.


So is that what caused the Tunguska Event?
 

Speaking of progressive drug therapies... we were at one point weren't we? There is hope for any comrade that is feeling a bit down because we have so long to wait for Her Highness to come to what is rightfully her due. I think every liberal mind should consider this if they have not already.


 

Please don't forget, comrades, that all flatuses are equal but some are more equal than others.

Putin to German Chancellor Merkel: "Angela... pull my finger!"


 

Someone sent these to the Cube a long time ago but I didn't know where to use them before. Now it all comes together.

The conception


The pregnancy


The baby

 

Quote:

So is that what caused the Tunguska Event?


Quite possibly, comrade Premier.  Among Putin's Powers is the ability to travel through time and space.  He is known among the Evenki Shanyagir Clan of the Lower Tunguska as "Agdy" (The Old Man, The Lord of the Thunder).  According to tribal lore:

Quote:

For a long time, there had been tribal feuds between a group of Tungus clans in the basin of the Stony Tunguska and clans living along the right tributaries of the Lower Tunguska.... Then one of the shamans called the Agdy to destroy the hated enemies.  Agdy came flying down upon the lands of the Shanyagir clan and brought disaster to many families of the Shanyagir: Some tents flew into the air, higher than the forest, and the people sleeping inside suffered from bruises.  250 reindeer vanished without any trace; other Tungus' dogs and some reindeer were killed; the storage platforms with bread and equipment were destroyed; the forest, a real, ancient taiga, was flattened within a few seconds to an expanse of approximately 10,000 km. In the catchment areas of the rivers Chambe, Zhilushmo and Khushmo; there was a tremendous thunderous noise, which caused crevices in the earth.  The inhabitants of that part of the taiga fled in panic in all directions, leaving every last one of their belongings behind.


Thus seeing to the redistribution of property in a proper Socialist fashion.  Never underestimate the Power of the Pootin.
 

Red Square

Someone sent these to the Cube a long time ago but I didn't know where to use them before. Now it all comes together.

The conception


The pregnancy


The baby (pupovich was here)


CRIPES!  delete delete deleterrrrr... ah, nuts.  now that's stuck in my head too next to the nancy pelosi sleepover with Jackie Broyles.
 

Putin's breath is a breeze that refreshes even the hottest of climates.


Putin launches several nukes at one with bare hands.


Putin's finger also serves as a Katana. Haaaya!
 

Putin is able to communicate with animals. This dog is mute, so he exchanges information though his telepathic powers.
 

Clearly we have comrades here in dire need of training... It is Putin who is doing the listening... The Mighty Pup warrior you see there looks pretty upset with Comrade Putin and he is letting him know in no uncertain terms what he expects. Putin in abject regret at letting the canine down is clearly scratching his master on the top of the head, which as I know, is one of the harder parts to get scratched right.
 

The New Superfriends coming soon to the Hall of Just us:














 

You mean the "Hall of Just us"
 

Thank you Comrade, I am now re-educated!
 

Speaking of superfriends....


 

Commissar Pupovich

Speaking of superfriends....
That was funny.  (Except for all dose ogres, dey was scawy!)
 

Super Putin kills Luke Skywalker with laser eyes


 

They also had a 1/4 scale Y-Wing rocket.  It got blown up by Putin as well.
 

It appears Premier Putin is being targeted for assassination probably by non-other than Bushitler.
 

Comrad Bubalasky

It appears Premier Putin is being targeted for assassination probably by non-other than Bushitler.
Well, good for him.
 

 

LOL. I just saw pictures of him harvesting oysters or baby seals or something manly like that. What a hunkasaurous.
 

Someone ought to do a better setting of this tune here :


 

We may start a new series -
THE INCREDIBLE FEATS OF RUSSIA'S ONE AND ONLY SUPERHERO!

The first installment: Vladimir Putin wrestles a giant worm


 

I see like all good comrades Putin "dresses to the left". Oh wait, is that the giant worm to which you refer?
 

I like Medvedev as the "Mini Me" character.
 

UPDATE (March 5, 2010):

Bumping this thread is an idea whose time has come! Now that Putin has won the election and will now serve his third term as president, we must celebrate with extra rations of vodka and beet rations!

And don't miss these recent additions to our Putiniana!

Russia. March 4, 2012. Presidential Election. PUTINATOR 3

Putin's Glasses Desperately Needing a Caption!

 

Glory to Russia!
 

I am your Government. I am here to help.
 

Muslims offer to lite Putins' cigarette with a burning Koran.
 

His prowess at all sports is well-known. Like some other famous leaders, he gets a hole-in-one every time he swings a golf club. However, Putin does this even on driving ranges.

To save the Russian Federation money, he was going to be the sole olympic competitor in all sports for their country in 2008, causing the IOC to hastily implement the famous "No Putin" rule.

He has offered numerous times to settle disagreements with the west over a friendly game of basketball, promising even not to fly or use any other powers "ordinary leaders" might not possess.
 

Putin can make 120 into 100



What about the evil 1% that didn't vote for Pooty? Occupy Moscow! We are the 119%!
 

The universe created Putin, so Putin could create the universe! So wrote Marx!
 

TIME TO RESURRECT THIS GLORIOUS THREAD!
 

Dan Rather interviewed Putin today. Putin says he had to invade Ukraine because they're all climate change deniers.

Once again Putin saves the day!
 

Vladimir Putin grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage...
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner-- would be Vladimir Putin...
Superman sleeps in Vladimir Putin pajamas....
Before going to sleep, the boogeyman checks his closet and under the bed for Vladimir Putin....

(thanks to Michael Berry)
 

Putin can see Kapitalist Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's lingerie dressing room from his house. And his office. And his private plane. And his Man Cave.
 

Commissar Putin knows the "Real Words" to "Louie, Louie"... Can heal the sick and lame by His mere touch [And some Many members of my our Kollecktiv will attest to that fact (if they know what is good for them and their families)]... Can Ride A Horse -or- Give A Horse A Ride (if the beast is injured)... Ordered the latest drought in the Amerikkkan Southwest - Just To Make Everything Equal with His North-African and Middle-Eastern Acolytes...

I could go on and on, but Commissar Putin does not revel in His Superhuman Powers: He is Truly A Man Of The People...
 

Vladimir Putin's basketball brackets are right the first time.
 

When Putin writes computer code, it always compiles. Computer CPUs will re-make themselves to obey his commands. ((Lame, but I'm a programmer >.> ))
 

Comrade M84, Internet Explorer bows before Comrade Putin - he never has to rewrite his code to fit IE.

Incidentally, along those lines:



Coincidence? I don't think so.
 

Every time a bell rings, another republic annexes itself to Russia. Putin's magnetism is awesome!
 

Remember Hillary Clinton and her reset button?
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/03/03/remember-hillarys-russian-reset-button-guess-where-she-got-it/
 

VLAD(imir) the IMPALER



 

The true reason for the Chernobyl disaster was a computer that began to malfunction and then proceeded to destroy it's self when it tried to calculate Putin's IQ test.
 

The Tunguska Blast? Putin's arrival from his home planet.
 

Putin can calm a raging bear with nothing but a firm stare.
 

Putin Was bit by a rattle snake 15 times in a row and he not only survived but now wears the snake as a belt.
 

When Putin shouts, an earthquake occurs.

When Putin is angry, a nuclear power planthas a meltdown.