Russian news host, Vladimir Solovyov, has proudly announced the smashing success of what Vladimir Putin is calling the "Special Lunar Operation."  It has been reported that the Russian spacecraft, Luna 25, has landed exactly on schedule and precisely where it was aiming.  "Now we begin the denazification and the liberation of the moon," said Putin to a meeting of the Duma - news that was received with spontaneous and prolonged applause. 

Putin then cleared his throat, a gesture that was received with even more spontaneous and prolonged applause.  Putin went on to explain that the moon had asked Russia "to help" and that he could no longer stand idle while the moon was suffering under an illegal occupation of Western powers.  Citing the crash landing of Lunik II in 1959, Putin went on to say that Russia has a historic claim to the moon, and that any other claims to lunar territory would be viewed as hostile and provocative acts. 

"If anyone else meddles in what is rightfully our territory," said Putin, "we will consider every option to defend what is ours.  We are not bluffing!" 

The Duma erupted into spontaneous and prolonged applause followed by chants of "Ro-si-ya!  Ro-si-ya!  Ro-si-ya!"



Tucker Carlson weighed in also referencing Russia's historical claim to the moon.  Carlson argued that Russia is merely protecting its own territory, and the moon was only getting what it deserved by provoking Russia into action.  "The moon has always been pro-Russian," said Carlson, "and the West overthrew the legitimate claim of Russia by sending Neil Armstrong to the moon to buy influence and make it pro-western against its will."

Sergei Lavrov, Russia's foreign minister, said Russia had to act as fascist, imperialist nations were planning on setting up biolabs on the moon.  Speaking during a visit to Mali, Lavrov said, "The threat to Russia by a foreign presence on the moon was clearly unacceptable to us.  How would America have acted if thousands of cosmonauts in armored vehicles were massing on America's border with Mexico?  It is exactly the same thing."

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene said that if it wasn't for Jewish space lasers, Russia would not have been forced to take action.  "We're pokin' the bayer!" she said, "An' not one more penny for NASA!" 

In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez agreed saying there were "literally" concentration camps on the moon designed to detain illegal aliens.  "I don't care what planet you're from," Ocasio-Cortez said, her voice thickening with emotion, "you are welcome on earth!" 

When asked what would happen if space aliens came to Martha's Vineyard, Ocasio-Cortez said they would be relocated to a more suitable facility where they would receive the best of care and free health insurance.

The program has been so successful for Russia's cutting edge space program, easily the most advanced in the solar system, that the Duma unanimously voted a ten year minimum prison sentence for any Russian who uses the word "crash" on social media.

Russia is in trouble, it seems, because all of the old Soviet space program, starting with Korolev, consisted of Ukrainians. Its rocket launchers, too, were made in the Ukrainian city of Dnipro. Some of the Russian rockets that are currently flying into Ukraine and destroying its cities, were also made back in the day in Ukraine.

So I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Putin wanted to retake Ukraine so he could force Ukrinians to design a new space program for him. Because on her own, Russia was failing in everything.

A large part of it, of course, is that 50% of funds in every government program is first divided among the top management to buy property in Miami, London, and Nice. The rest 50% goes to purchase substandard materials and hire barely qualified personnel.

The previous crash of a Russian manned rocket happened because, as the investigation showed, one of the booster sensors didn't fit into a poorly crafted bracket, and so the worker just hammered it in upside down. He was probably drunk on the poorly distilled local vodka, so if anyone is to blame, it should be the cruel Western sanctions that deprived the Motherland of higher quality foreign-made alcohol.

A whistleblower from NASA revealed, how ex-President Trump attempted to make the organization work on the program to increase the daily tides, thus causing even more Russian children to drown.

At the time of this writing, the Democrats are considering impeaching Trump for the third time.

Shoutout to the agitprop department for the upgrade.

UPDATE:

New photographs of Russia's Luna-25 lander—taken by China's Chang'E-4 lunar lander—have been leaked and they are revealing.



By comparison, it's been all systems go for India's Chandrayaan-3 moon lander since it lifted off on July 14. 

 

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 11:30 am

UPDATE:

New photographs of Russia's Luna-25 lander—taken by China's Chang'E-4 lunar lander—have been leaked and they are revealing.





By comparison, it's been all systems go for India's Chandrayaan-3 moon lander since it lifted off on July 14. 

 

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 7:06 pm

 

Looks like the seat is from a Lada.

That's no Lada, that's my wife.

 

Colonel Obyezyana - you've made an outstanding representation of the lunar module. However, when I look at the actual photo and see the the blue-and-yellow color scheme, I begin to suspect sabotage on part of one particular country...

Red Square wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 9:17 pm

...when I look at the actual photo and see the the blue-and-yellow color scheme, I begin to suspect sabotage on part of one particular country...

I does give one pause for thought, as does the manufacturer's nameplate, РОСКОСМОС [ROSKOSMOS]—it sounds like someone was trying to be cute, like "OSHKOSH B'GOSH."
 

Am so sorry that the good people of Ukraine are suffering because of a money laundering mob

This just in: first picture of the special lunar operation


The antenna has been set up and more images should be broadcast shortly.

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

8/22/2023, 4:52 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 9:17 pm

...when I look at the actual photo and see the the blue-and-yellow color scheme, I begin to suspect sabotage on part of one particular country...

I does give one pause for thought, as does the manufacturer's nameplate, РОСКОСМОС [ROSKOSMOS]—it sounds like someone was trying to be cute, like "OSHKOSH B'GOSH."
 

РОСКОСМОС! Well, almost.

It works if I have the accent right.

Ksenia Turkova weighs in on the special lunar operation...

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: ↑

8/22/2023, 9:32 pm

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

8/22/2023, 4:52 am

I does give one pause for thought, as does the manufacturer's nameplate, РОСКОСМОС [ROSKOSMOS]—it sounds like someone was trying to be cute, like "OSHKOSH B'GOSH."

РОСКОСМОС! Well, almost.

It works if I have the accent right.

At risk that of straying further off-topic, what I described is the structure, not the pronunciation. Might be a bit clearer like this:

OSH - KOSH - b'GOSH
ROS - KOS - b'MOS


 

BTW, congratulations to India!

Breaking: Russian Space Agency announces successful landing of Yevgeny Prigozhin.