Secret Ukraine Crisis Contingency Plans Revealed

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Comrades, as you may be aware, the enemies of progress in Amerikka have taken in recent weeks to questioning Dear Leader's foreign policies, most noticeably with respect to Ukraine, and even gone so far as to suggest the best president ever is weak and indecisive, as if someone with his golf handicap could be regarded as such!

While it is likely that the "issues" raised by these racist fools are yet but another red herring created by the Koch Brothers to sap Party morale before our glorious battle to defend the Affordable Care Act this November, the elder stateswomen of the Party are worried that some of you may begin to take this propaganda seriously.

In order to reassure you about the hardness of this country's soft power and the steely yet appropriately spongy resolve of Dear Leader's spine, the Party commissioned me, Opiate of the People, to present to you the nation's contingency plans for handling a potential crisis in Ukraine.

While they acknowledge it would be a good idea to keep these plans away from the gaze of any potential rival, it is even more important to make President Obama look good shore up the resolve of the rank and file. They don't imply that partisan politics are more important than the defense of the country, they only imply that... um... er... well, we'll get back to that explanation later. I promise.

Anyway, I contacted Sec'y of Defense Chuck Hagel during his after-lunch nap (or was it his pre-supper nap? Those two seem to run together a lot) and he graciously gave me the complete contingency plans for our nation's defense before graciously tossing me out of office, saying "I've GOT to get back to work... ZZZZZZ."

Anyway, after reading this, I'm sure you will all sleep soundly (including those of you in the Cabinet) knowing our country is prepared for any potential crisis in Ukraine.


1. Unfriend Putin on Facebook

2. Immediate ban on beluga caviar at White House parties

3. Launch Twitter hashtags #vladbad, #putinwrongsideofhistory, #stopputinukraineon

4. President Obama to announce he will not even consider University of Moscow when he makes up his 2015 NCAA Tournament bracket

5. In all future speeches on Climate Change, Secy of State Kerry will make it clear he doesn't care if Sevastopol is flooded out due to rising sea levels

6. All golf courses in and around Moscow are immediately off-limits to US personnel

7. All federal government SPAM filters will be re-programmed to reject any email that references dating hot Russian girls.

8. Any future red lines drawn by the president will be on asphalt instead of sand

9. First Lady Michelle Obama will not cancel all scheduled appearances in Russia

10. Remember that thing with Hillary and the RESET button? Well, we KNEW it said "overcharge" all along! So there!

The more astute amongst you may have noticed what's really great about these contingency plans is that most of them can readily be adapted to other crisis situations besides Ukraine. For example, if George Bush causes another crisis in Syria, we can just substitute the name "Assad" for "Putin." Keen, huh?

So once again, I wish to urge you all to go back to your duties shovelling out your fallout shelters beet fields, confident in Dear Leader's abilities to watch your back while you're bending over.

P.S. Please check your wallets... Does anyone out there happen to have a copy of the ICBM launch codes on her? Anyone?

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Red Walrus wrote:Image

Comrade! What is that upon the finger of Dear Leader? Der Ring des Nibelungen!? Who could have known? This is inspirational! Puts me in the spirit for some fine old marching music!


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I'm not sure Comrade Craptek, but isn't that ring the one Dear Leader got from the Ayatollah? Just sayin!!!


Red Walrus wrote:I'm not sure Comrade Craptek, but isn't that ring the one Dear Leader got from the Ayatollah? Just sayin!!!

Is that the one he got when he went to "Pakistan" with his boyfriend and said to the Ayatollah, "Give me some space. I'll have more flexibility after the 2008 US Presidential Election?"

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It does concern me that, now, everyone knows the strategy. Especially regarding the hot Russian service personnel. Being Truthful™, even with such a nuanced approach, can often be detrimental to the desired result.I'm not clear on what Dear Leader hopes to achieve by restrictions on hot Russian service personnel or Facebook unfriending. Of course, that could be the point. It is best to keep adversaries guessing as to the next brilliant maneuver.