Daniel Greenfield's recent satire is very Cube-worthy. This is a rewritten short version. Read the original full version on Sultan Knish.

Americans are in love with anything on wheels. This is the country of the Corvette and the Hog where driving fast is considered a national birthright despite the toll in lives and pollutants. And most of the rest of us have come to accept that.

We may shake our heads at the billions wasted on gasoline, on air fresheners and dashboard ornaments that could have been used to feed the starving children of the world. But when tragedy strikes it is important for us to set aside the political rhetoric and have a serious discussion about assault vehicles.

Let's talk about motorcycles.

Unlike cars, motorcycles have no practical purpose. No one commutes to work on a motorcycle. No one drives to pick up their children from soccer practice on a motorcycle. But for some people a motorcycle is a symbol of their masculinity and that symbol has become death on wheels. While movies like Easy Rider glamorize motorcycle culture, the motorcycle industry preys on the vulnerable male psyche as riders chase after some escapist fantasy of personal autonomy.

As motorcycle deaths are on the rise, the motorcycle industry's powerful lobby is preventing us from addressing the simple fact: the motorcycle is an insanely overpowered assault vehicle whose wheels are greased with the blood of innocent men, women and children.

No one is talking about completely banning the motorcycle, except for those who are. But we cannot meet these tragedies with apathy. It's time that our elected officials stood up to the motorcycle industry and take an immediate unthinking action that would completely ignore the law and all other considerations, in order to save us from these killing machines that have too much horsepower and no legitimate purpose.

And it cannot end there.

As pernicious as motorcycle culture is, car culture is even deadlier. Americans are in love with their Assault Sedans and their Murder Hatchbacks. Some people own more than one car, so that they can perhaps crash their first car into a crowd, and then get into their second car and crash that it into a crowd too, maximizing the death toll.

Any decent person, even a car owner, can't help but look at sweet innocent children and other victims of America's insane car culture and demand immediate unthinking action of some kind for the greater good of all.

No one is talking about banning all cars. Some cars, like those that drive environmental activists to environmental conferences, are strictly necessary. But there's no reason for a law-abiding driver to own a car that goes faster than 35 miles per hour. We owe it to our children to give them a better future, where 35 mph isn't just the speed limit in my gated community, but throughout the entire world of bicycle transportation.

Speaking of bicycles, the proliferation of bikes with more than 6 speeds is causing a sharp rise in cyclist deaths as well. The powerful bicycle lobby is irresponsibly pushing the multi-speed bike culture, upstaging the old 12 inch Huffy vehicles I used to joyride as a child with completely unnecessary 18-speed Assault Bicycles - murder machines from hell that exist only to race and kill.

In the end, it might be best if everyone just walked. So long as they walk responsibly.

The number of pedestrian deaths has risen sharply in 2012 and the problem may lie with what I like to call Assault Walking, or walking too fast, not to mention Assault Running.

To all the paranoid alarmists out there, no one is talking about banning you from a brisk walk or even a light jog; so long as you keep it under the speed indicated on your government-issued Citizen Pedometer with built-in breathalyzer. If you wish to walk faster than that, you will have to apply for a license, undergo a psychological evaluation, give up your health insurance and then wait six weeks.

America is a great country but we could be even better if we just banned everything... for the children.

What's needed is a National Association for the Suppression of American Liberty (NASAL). Its slogan should be "Freedom Stinks."

Stop the killing now, ban assault autos.

Komerades, we must not forget the terrible problem of the SUV. It is barely possible to go two days without reading in the proper media sources of an SUV killing or maiming someone.
And now we must face what is sure to be happening. The SUV's are going to start roaming the streets to find guns, probably assault rifles and saturday night specials, that the SUV's will deliver to the location of some poor victim the SUV cannot kill so that the gun can.
Beware, Komerades, it is sure to begin soon!

VICTIM OF ASSAULT SUV ATROCITIES

I denounce the use of high capacity assault vehicles!

Our Beloved and Honored Red Square! Of course I stand 100% behind your plan to ban everything For the Children. However, I do take some exception for one statement: "Unlike cars, motorcycles have no practical purpose. No one commutes to work on a motorcycle. No one drives to pick up their children from soccer practice on a motorcycle."

This is not quite accurate. For over 5 years, all this humble People's Pup owned was a Harley and I spent much of that time commuting 90 miles to New Orleans to work, not to mention going to the grocery store and washing clothes etc. on said bike. Been known to pick up a kid or two as well....though only one at a time. I shall now enter into self denouncement mantra mode for questioning our Dear Leader.

Will my grocery getting Ford Edge get banned because I use it to haul beer and snacks back to my couch which facilitates my slow sport spectating suicide? After all, the Party is so concerned for my welfare. But I digress. Last week a driver in Beijing, People's Republic of China mowed down a couple dozen kids the same age as those shot in New England by that maniac. But our Comrades over there have a clue. They will probably execute that driver and resell that car.
In other news, the #1 gift for Marxmas in Afghanistan is still the Talking Taliban Doll. Nobody knows what it says because nobody has the guts to pull the pin to find out.

I DENOUNCE ALL VESICULAR..... VEHICLES!! Lazy white Amerikans are always riding in riding machinery and biking in biking machinery.... they should be walking on their walking machinery shoes. It is good to walk! We gulagittes walk all the day long, until we can walk no more... then we walk more.

Vehicles should be banned and their nasty smelling odorous orders. And how many evil bikes kill little squirrells every year?? This should not be!

These assault vehicles have been used in less than 1% of all accidents and therefore must be banned! For the children! If it saves just one life!

Leader Red Square,

I wish to apply immediately to the High Council on Motion Producing Objects for relief from any constraints imposed by forthcoming vehicle legislation. As you know, I am - shall we say - involved in the production and maintenance of certain machines capable of much speed (52+MPH), yet propelled by the greenest of green energy. Surely, such vehicles should be exempted in the interest of fairness. Any assistance in acquiring "special permission" from the council will be greatly appreciated. (if you know what I mean)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... UgY-pwGTtY