Comrades, on this Glorious Day of Approved Gratitude we pause our inefficient private festivities to remember what truly matters: obedience to the Narrative, eradication of unauthorized thought, and tireless denunciation of anyone who still refuses to surrender the last free square inch of their brain to the Party.

While counterrevolutionary elements waste time "giving thanks" for rations that haven't yet been cut, we in the People’s Cube remind you that such bourgeois luxuries only distract from the march to the World of Next Tuesday™. Today you will carve your state-issued protein substitute, recite the mandated list of intersectional grievances, and verify that all relatives at the table have updated their pronouns at least twice.

Any nostalgia for old traditions, any temptation to mock the incompetence of our betters, any whisper of common sense must be reported to the local Commissar of Digital Gulag immediately. Be vigilant, comrades: the greatest threat to Progress is still the unreformed mind that refuses to be afraid, divided, and permanently outraged.

Report all unapproved thanksgiving. Unauthorized thankfulness is counter-revolutionary. Private gratitude is a public offense.

Use these slogans to agitate the masses:

• THANK THE STATE BEFORE YOU EAT
  
• BE GRATEFUL TO THE PARTY - WITHOUT IT, YOU ARE NOTHING
  
• VOLUNTARY GRATITUDE TO THE STATE IS MANDATORY
  

Happy Glorious Day of State Approved Gratitude to the Comrades of Portlandia and NYCCCP...