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The Captain Denounces Mother Jones

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My fellow Comrades of The Cube,

It's a sad day when a comrade falls from favor in our party. But it's sadder still, when someone as illustrious as Mother Jones is exposed as the closet Teabagger she truly was throughout her sordid life. For the reasons listed below, and others personally too painful for me to recount at this time, I must denounce our once exalted comrade, Mother Jones.

Charge #1 - Mary Harris took the name of her first husband, George E. Jones, to become Mary Jones. In later life she became known as Mother Jones by her United Mine Workers union associates.

Charge #2 - Mother Jones altered both her age and the exact date of her birth for the purely selfish reason of raising herself above the masses. Evidence shows she was born on August 1, 1837. Solely for her own aggrandizement, Mother Jones altered her birth certificate to indicate she was born on May 1 to coincide with the 1917 worker's revolution in Russia. Furthermore, she laid claim to octogenarian status by moving her birth year to 1830.

Charge #3 - She was a capitalist! She was the owner of a chain of dress shops in multiple cities during her lifetime. First, she opened a dress shop in Memphis. Later another in Chicago.

Charge #4 - She was a sexist. She strongly believed that, "working men deserved a wage that would allow women to stay home to care for their kids."

Charge #5 - She started the War on Women. Mother Jones was strongly opposed to abortion and female suffrage. She believed that the neglect of motherhood was a primary cause of juvenile delinquency.

Charge #6 - She was a union buster. Her capitulation to the demands of capitalist silk mill owners sent untold numbers of young girls back to the grimy labor sweatshops where possible mutilation and death awaited them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If the above charges prove insufficient, try this; President Theodore Roosevelt referred to Mother Jones as "The most dangerous woman in America.”

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If "A" equals "B," and "B" equals "C," then "A" must equal "C"...? Thus, if Mother Jones is a teabagger, and David Korn works for Mother Jones, then David Korn must be a Teabagger.
Likewise, if train A leaves the station at 6:00 AM and is traveling West at a speed of 47 mph, and train B is stuck in the sludge at the cement factory near Sevastopol . . . <----Don't know where I'm going with this one, I still have horrible SAT flashbacks.

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Herr Hauptman Kraptek:

Perhaps you should abstain from imbibing so much vodka before nominating charges against a stalwart Progressive such as Mutter Jones...for there is not one thing in your list of charges which condemn her. Indeed! Look at them very carefully -- in the full light of the present Progressive regime....

With regard to Charge #1 - “Mary Harris took the name of her first husband, George E. Jones, to become Mary Jones.” By this I assume you are implying that she was FOR traditional marriage…and thus a closet TEA-rrorist. THIS was perfectly legitimate in her day and age, before the greater public became enlightened to the benefits of homosexual unions and the necessary destruction of “traditional” marriage. Hers was a necessary step to take as a Progressive pioneer -- a deception, if you will. Why even as recent as the past few decades, Kom. Hillary married Bill Klinton and took his name...as her own. We all know that she is a closet homosexual…even though she sired a liberal reporterette. Do YOU have any further evidence that Mutter Jones was NOT a flaming homo?

Then, you add to the charge that she later in life “became known as Mother Jones by her United Mine Workers union associates.” What more street cred does a Prog need!!!??? When a bona fide labour union issues one a nom de guerre, there is no question!

With regard to Charge #2 - “Mother Jones altered both her age and the exact date of her birth for the purely selfish reason of raising herself above the masses... Solely for her own aggrandizement.” REALLY!!?? You want to GO THERE? If[highlight=#ffff00] changing the circumstances of one's birth makes MJ a closet RethugliKKKan, then Dear Reader (AP&PBUH) is the Founding Father of the TEA Party!!![/highlight] Mein Obama en Himmel, Squirrel! Have you lost your MIND? Have you gone NUTS!?

Mother Jones altered her birth certificate to indicate she was born on May 1 to coincide with the 1917 worker's revolution in Russia.” [highlight=#ffff00]Again, altering one's birth certificate for the good of the country is perfectly legal, and dare I say moral -- especially in Hawaii -- so long as it benefits our movement.[/highlight]

Furthermore, she laid claim to octogenarian status by moving her birth year to 1830.” -- No doubt to qualify for Social Security benefits early… Please tell me you have something better!

With regard to Charge #3 - “She was a capitalist! She was the owner of a chain of dress shops in multiple cities during her lifetime. First, she opened a dress shop in Memphis. Later another in Chicago.” A ruse and necessary evil to undermine the system. Our warfare, Herr Kraptek, RELIES on deception. Even Mother Moochelle worked for an evil Kapitalist Hospital in Chicago and earned a hansom salary. Dear Reader (AP&PBUH) is a bestselling author for crying aloud!

With regard to Charge #4 - “She was a sexist. She strongly believed that, ‘working men deserved a wage that would allow women to stay home to care for their kids.'” This charge is frankly ill-logical. It is a Non sequitur! Calling a woman a sexist is like calling Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton a racist or an “Uncle Tom” -- even though these two have done more to keep African-AmeriKKKans on the Liberal Voting plantation than anyone has!


One must also remember that the Progressive movement only got its start around the same time that Mutter Jones was born. We did not have the robust Governmental Infrastructure yet to replace the father as the sole breadwinner. That innovation would not come about until the 1960's under LBJ.

Likewise, MJ is arguing for a “living wage” without regard for market forces…what, pray tell, is more progressive than this???

With regard to Charge #5 - “She started the War on Women. Mother Jones was strongly opposed to abortion and female suffrage. She believed that the neglect of motherhood was a primary cause of juvenile delinquency.” That you miss the Progressive nuance here, my dear Krap, causes me to wonder if you do not need a long hiatus at a FEMA re-educationcreation kamp.

No, Kommie Krap! Get this in your little rodent brain: MJ did NOT start the War on Women…the RethugliKKKans did…going all the way back to the Lincoln Administration…regardless of any clear, irrefutable evidence to the contrary! Why, RethugliKKKans hate women so much that I am not surprised they are not all flaming homosexuals!

Strongly opposed abortion???” Really? There is a practical purpose for this…Even though contraception is a useful Progressive tool, one can only imagine how long ago we might have attained the World of Next Tuesday if we had not allowed Kom. Margaret Sanger and Planned Parenthood to cull so many African-AmeriKKKan fetuses. Look at how many potential Black Voters we lose to Planned Parenthood each year…is it any wonder we are looking to necroproxies and illegal alien undocumented citizen amnesty justice to make up for the losses?

And “female suffrage”? Really, Krap? What could be more Progressive than opposing womyn's sufferage?? Haven't these poor womyn sufferaged enough? You must hate womyn as much as any RethugliKKKan!

She believed that the neglect of motherhood was a primary cause of juvenile delinquencyThis is Progressive CODE, Komrade Krap! You obviously are not thinking Progressively enough. Mutter Jones is calling for the end of FATHERHOOD…especially in minority kommunities! It is a rally cry for Government Subsidies to single-parent homes where the mother pumps out as many Demokrat voters as possible without the benefit of a father. Since we have effectively dealt with this primary cause of juvenile delinquency, we are thus allowed to proceed with other causes, such as poverty, the lack of a living wage, TEA-bagger racism, etc.


With Regard to Charge #6 - “She was a union buster. Her capitulation to the demands of capitalist silk mill owners sent untold numbers of young girls back to the grimy labor sweatshops where possible mutilation and death awaited them.” Kut the Krap! We have already established that MJ received her nom de guerre from a labour union…one cannot be a matron of Big Labour AND be a union buster!


Mutter Jones sacrificed a short-term tactical victory in order to serve a higher, long-term strategic purpose… By “caving” to the demands of capitalist silk mill owners, MJ solidified an established foothold for Womyn in the Workplace. This kept the Kaptialist Pigs from moving their factories overseas. Mutter Jones knew that -- eventually -- we would require these dogs to pay a “living wage,” provide safe, klean work environments, etc. [highlight=#ffff00]The end result has been that these Kaptalist Pigs have found their textile industry in the USA kompletely DECIMATED, Nay, OBLITERATED! Mutter Jones was a sheer visionary![/highlight]


And you issue yet the most damaging coup de gras to your own charges when you tell us that RethugliKKKan President Theodore Roosevelt referred to Mother Jones as [highlight=#ffff00]"The most dangerous woman in America.”[/highlight] [highlight=#ffff00]What more support to one's identity as a Made Prog does a girl need?[/highlight] Granted, Old Teddy was a “little-p” progressive, but he was also a warmongering imperialist. Yes, I know that John Kerry also established himself as a warmongering imperialist who fought against Vietnamese Social Justice, but he repented and threw his medals over the fence at the Pentagon. Did Teddy ever toss his Medal of Honor at the War Department? I think not!


Your fallacious "charges" not only exonerate this great matron, they buttress her position as a "Made Prog!"

...And we all know what happens to those who mess with "Made Progs"... Do we not, Kraptek?

Somewhere in my Progressive notebook, I have a fine Rat Stew recipe personally presented to me by Ho Chi Minh...I am sure that one can substitute "squirrel" meat to enhance the favour.

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Therefore, if Mother Jones is a made prog, and David Korn works for Mother Jones, then David Korn is a prog? Makes perfect sense now. Captain, you had me wondering about the logic also. Comrade Goldstein has cleared it up for me.

From what I understand, squirrels are most active in early Spring, due to hormones racing through their little bodies? Have you been out of your nest for Spring yet?

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Comrade Walrus, we submit that your flashbacks are actually flashforwards of the brilliant Common Core propaganda educational standards. Either that or we've been breaking apart too many numbers in our daily work regimen.

But we digress...

Comrade Goldstein has made some very commendable points. Even so, if Comrade Captain's charges are correct—and ONLY if they are correct—this is not necessarily a travesty. A minor concern, perhaps, but one the brilliant revisionists of history here at Unified Information and elsewhere are willing to cover up. The Party need not worry; the glorious Cube in the sky shall keep on turning on the ever-continuing path to Next Tuesday™.

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Raum Emmanual Goldstein wrote:Herr Hauptman Kraptek:
THE TEXT OF THIS COMMENT HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR REASONS OF SECURITY!

Comrade Goldstein,

Excellent analysis, comrade. You have demonstrated the principle of “Progressive Historical Plasticity” in a most effective manner. I'll make arrangements for a significant voltage reduction during your next Jiffy-Lobo tuneup session as a small token of the Party's appreciation.

There is something, though, I feel obligated to mention: By applying Current Truth™ to documented historical references, you have, inadvertently I'm sure, provided a road map to those same arguments for use by the dreaded Teabaggers, e.g., George Washington and other hate filled, racist, slave owning, white aristocrats from the days of the founding. A clever Teabagger could argue that Washington was operating well within the so called “Current Truth” of his time, and is therefore to be judged “not guilty” of racial crimes by today's standards.

Granted, the likelihood that modern LIVs would, or even could apply historical evidence to current social movements is close to nil. However, the arguments contained in your analysis - should they should fall into the wrong hands - could pose a clear and present danger to The Party's future plans. For this reason, comrade, and for the sake of the Children™ I respectfully request that you remove your post at once.

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