The Party Handbook of Everyday Teachable Moments

Comrades, this item struck my picture tube today:

Commentary Magazine

If I break down on the side of the road, I hope a Republican stops — he’ll fix my flat and offer me a drink. A Democrat will get busy forming a Committee to Protect Women Who Own Vulnerable Cars.” Ouch.

http://www.commentarymagazine.com/blogs/index.php/rubin/361671

This has given me an idea. The less-educated minds of the Collective (Hey, we are all equal but some are more equal than others) may not fully comprehend what their progressive duty is in everyday situations. So, as a pubic public service, I proudly present

The Party Handbook of Everyday Teachable Moments
~

Situation	Bourgeois Reactionary's Response	Party-Approved Progressive Response
A kitten is trapped in a burning house	Rescue the kitten	Demand home-builder be arrested for animal cruelty
A shopper spills groceries in front of the supermarket	Help shopper recover groceries	Provide shopper with number of tort lawyer to sue market chain for defective bags
A street fight between a Muslim and a Juice	Attempt to break up the fight	Join in on the side of the oppressed Muslim
A down-on-his-luck relative needs money	Lend him some money	Demand government help needy relatives as Sarah Jessica Parker instructed us
A neighbor who bought an expensive home he couldn't afford is being foreclosed upon	Give family a hand if possible	Organize a mob and attack the bank president's home
A friend's elderly mother dies after a long bout with cancer	Send condolences	Denounce her for becoming a tool of Big Pharma and making it harder for Obama to bend the Cost Curve down
A new store opens in the neighborhood offering low prices on everyday necessities	Shop there to save money	Boycott and picket the store for the crime of not paying their clerks as much as a US Senator
An attempted burglary at a neighbor's home	Call the police	Commiserate with burglar over the lack of social justice that drove him to it. If he is arrested, call the police "stupid" and later offer to talk about it over a glass of beer.
A group of undocumented Democrats enters the country illegally thru your yard	Alert the proper authorities	Denounce Arizona
Your sister gives birth to a baby with Downs Syndrome	Offer her assistance as need be	Call her an "idiot" for not having an abortion
A terrorist attack man-made disaster at a large office building (Hey, Obama said we're gonna have more of 'em)	Stay calm and try to help as much as possible	Go down to the docks and prevent Israeli freighters from unloading

You see, Comrades, it's easy to think like a Progressive. You simply must stop wasting time attending to the needs of useless individuals and devote yourself to the bigger task of creating political and social change! Now, everyone get out there and start making this a better society by trying to wreck it every chance you get!
 

Superlatively over equal Comrade Opiate!

This is a great reminder to the collective as to the WTF wondrous achievement of progressive thinking.

It is much like my mother said once that "only a savage can not tell you an A is an A" and if she were here now she would say that a D is a C and the O is FUBAR.
 

Comrade Opiate,


Thank you for this invaluable resource! We all need reminders and encouraging guidlines on what the appropriate action would be to take in times when the inner bourgeois wants to rise up and take control. I will proudly display this Handbook in my dacha.

Might I add one more to your list: " A constable knocks on your door because a neighbor called and seen smoke coming from your house"

Bourgeois Reactionary's Response: Answer the door and politely ask the officer what is the nature of his visit.

Party-Approved Progressive Response: Call the officer a "pig", flash your ACLU membership badge at them, and give them a 5-count to remove themselves from the premises lest a lawsuit be filed for racism.
 

REAL STORY from today's news-

Registered Nurse apparently has diabetes, has both legs removed. Three months later, her 11 year old son calls 911 because his mother has been passed out on the floor for 2 days. RN then spends 60 days in hospital, where one arm and more parts of both legs removed.

Bourgeois Reactionary's Response- Help her situation as much as possible, make sure the 11 year old boy is well cared for at a relative's house.

Party-Approved Progressive Response- File child abuse charges against her for NEGLECT, kidnap the kid.
 

Comrade Opiate:

You have just taken a dump.....

Bourgeois Response: Wipe rear end, flush toilet & spray air freshener.

Progressive Response: Smear feces over Religious Articles &/or Constitution, display as art and demand gov funding for sponsorship.

 

Glorious work Comrade Opiate! This should be required reading for the collective, and a test to pass before getting out of gulag.

A motorist runs out of gas, and is walking down the road carrying a gas can. A regular person may kindly offer them a ride. A progressive will pull up in their Prius, denounce the oil companies, and suggest the person buy a hybrid, before driving off.
 

My Comrades

I denounce comrade Opiate for leaving out the most important one:

An Oppressed Muslim Minority Freedom Fighter opens fire on unarmed soldiers at a US military base.

Incorrect response:
Make sure soldiers carry arms inside the base to prevent something like this from happening again.

Party Approved response:
Distribute a memo showing how to attack and neutralize a shooter with a three ring binder.
 

Wow! This is a great resource. I came here looking for the correct thoughts and this is great! Now I know what to do in these situations, usually I get in such a panic I spill all my patchouli oil and fall into an acid flashback, but if I can just remember to carry this guide with me, along with Obama's Little Blue Book, I'll be ready for anything...

Well almost anything...

What is the correct response if your free sex partner runs out of weed and suddenly develops some weird notion of bourgeois morality and begins looking for a (ick! game over!) marital partner rather than sticking their whosit in every hole that slinks into their hammock?

It's like such a buzz kill!

Peace, Love & Flowers!
 

Pyramid Patchouli. Only one joker in LA sensitive enough to wear that scent. ...
 

Prog off.

60's Sweet Pea Flower.....you do indeed approach progressivism from another angle......
as it were . It is like-minded comrades as yourself that keep Nancy Pelosi in office !
Oh wow, man..........the spell-check here just put a red error line under " Pelosi"
........even the computer knows what's up......
 

Opiate, this has brought a tear to my eye. We rarely receive, for free, it is free, right?, such a useful outline of responses, which we desperately need. We have, all too often, had a prole reach out a 'hand of helpfulness', which we must slap down and remind them, that is the government job. Why do they think we're forced to we give taxes, I ask?
 

Comrade Opiate:
You are truly most equal amongst comrades!

Situation:
Girl Scouts knock on your door wanting to sell you cookies

Reactionary response:
You order 3 boxes of thin mints, 3 boxes of Samoas, and a box of tag-a-longs.


Progressive response:
You call the secret police on 'em.
 

Yes comrades, Approved Thought is always worth repeating and creating. I pronounce Commissaric Blessings upon it.
 

I feel compelled to commend comrade Bono, the guru of U2.

His charity called ONE has collected nearly 20 million dollars. Of course the charity only actually dispensed 1.2% of that to needy Africans. Over $5 million went to pay the salaries of the directors. The rest was spent on advertising to promote the charity.

As they explain it the charity exists to promote itself and in so doing raise awareness of poverty. It was never the goal of the charity to make direct contributions of aid.

So there is no longer any excuse to be unaware that poverty exists. A big thank you goes out to Bono.
 

Comrades, the Party thanks you for your excellent contributions to the Handbook and wishes it to be known that your Order of Lenin Obama awards will be forthcoming as soon as your campaign fund checks clear.

Comrade Whoopie, you have a firm grasp of the necessities of politics charities! What good would millions of dollars in aid do if there were not noble, caring administrators around to put much of it in their pockets see that it is distributed to the proper recipients like themselves. This same wisdom is at work in our selfless government aid programs such as the Stimulus ™ which guaranteed this country's economic future would be franks and beans as we are sucked dry by parasitic scumbags like Obama and Pelosi.

Comrade 100% Infidel, you should first confiscate all the cookies in order to test them for trans-fats and excess sugar by tasting them personally before having the miniature ThoughtCriminals arrest.

Obamugabe, I must denounce your denounciation of me, for your suggested "approved" response is in fact, fallacious. The correct response in this instance would be to have Joe Biden denounce Israel for refusing to budge on important Palestinian demands such as requiring all Israelis to kill themselves and thus stymie the entire peace process.

Colonel 7.62, your Party Approved Response is perfect in every detail but I sincerely hope that it was not you who gave me the finger the other day when my government-issued Cadillac Escallade creamed a Chevy Volt broke down in front of my office at the Global Climate Disruption Awareness Outreach Center.

Comrade Robot, you have the soul of what passes for an artist. If you are interested in pursuing such a career in Service to the State, I can see to it you will have your own show at an art gallery downwind from my house, of course.

Comrade Scratchanitch, I am fairly certain you have posted a fake news story from the Onion in an attempt to subvert the Collective. On the remote chance that this story is real, I can only say it vividly demonstrates the stupidity wisdom of having caring government bureaucrats involved in anything more complicated than picking up garbage every aspect of the lives of The People ™ .

Comrade Whinny, while your approved response is technically correct, the first duty of a Progressive is to pick on those who are unlikely to hit back aim the attack at the corrupt rotting head rather than the ass-kicking body and so I would suggest the self-righteous "speaking truth to power" be directed at the mayor if it's a Republican woman disreputable person.
 

Opiate of the People

Comrades, the Party thanks you for your excellent contributions to the Handbook and wishes it to be known that your Order of Lenin Obama awards will be forthcoming as soon as your campaign fund checks clear.

Comrade Scratchanitch, I am fairly certain you have posted a fake news story from the Onion in an attempt to subvert the Collective. On the remote chance that this story is real, I can only say it vividly demonstrates the stupidity wisdom of having caring government bureaucrats involved in anything more complicated than picking up garbage every aspect of the lives of The People ™ .

Naw, I would never be so silly as to present a story from the Onion as serious news (in spite of the fact that the "serious news" does on occasion present an Onion story as news).

I have however, posted several stories from the People's Cube on my other news aggregates, because the comedy was better than what the "news" was calling news.
 

Comrade Opiate, you better Hope(TM) that wasn't you who rammed my Chevy Volt. Not only will our Motor Pool Czar, Lt. Just_a_Car be very annoyed, but I will have to sit down and redistribute some of your time to a more worthy cause. I'm thinking about pulling your file from the Lifespan Duration Security Administration unless you can properly make good excuses as to the sorry state of my Chevy Volt.
 

Comrade Opiate

Obamugabe, I must denounce your denounciation of me, for your suggested "approved" response is in fact, fallacious. The correct response in this instance would be to have Joe Biden denounce Israel for refusing to budge on important Palestinian demands such as requiring all Israelis to kill themselves and thus stymie the entire peace process.




http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2010/09/americas-suicide-mission-in-case-of-base-shooting-dod-says-grab-three-ring-binder.html
 

Comrades,

Always happy to contribute to the greater good:

Situation

Spend all your rubles like a drunken sailor


Bourgeois Reactionary's Response

Ensure you have enough rubles to pay your bills, save some more for a rainy day, and any extra then might be used to buy that bottle of vodka


Party-Approved Progressive Response

Get drunk, Go broke and Blame Bush


Happy to help.
 

Personally I think the government should deduct money for housing, a clothing allowance, food card, fuel, and every other thing needed for life, and anything left over is handed to the proletarian masses for their discretionary use. Like say a mandatory purchase of a GM car every two years.
 

Comrade Opiate, I must denounce you for denouncing Comrade Obamugabe. That makes you racist and we can't have any of those in our collective masses, unless so specifically deemed by Mistress Nanski, Mistress Harry Reid or the One Himself. (we know when they appear to be racist and bigoted they are not; they are just 'appearing')
 

You are on the right track Colonel 7.62. We are now going to tax home sales which should stimulate the sagging real estate market. Sellers will enthusiastically market their homes with the new incentive of contributing more of their proceeds to the State. Conservatives, who never understand economics, oppose this glorious new tax.
 

ThePeoplesComrade

You are on the right track Colonel 7.62. We are now going to tax home sales which should stimulate the sagging real estate market. Sellers will enthusiastically market their homes with the new incentive of contributing more of their proceeds to the State. Conservatives, who never understand economics, oppose this glorious new tax.

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered..." -Thomas Jefferson

 

Colonel 7.62

Personally I think the government should deduct money for housing, a clothing allowance, food card, fuel, and every other thing needed for life, and anything left over is handed to the proletarian masses for their discretionary use. Like say a mandatory purchase of a GM car every two years.

Colonel 7.62,
I can't remember whether I've previously informed you about the new GM car. If I'm being redundant, please accept my apology.



Order one today!


--KOOK
 

Colonel 7.62

Comrade Opiate, you better Hope(TM) that wasn't you who rammed my Chevy Volt. Not only will our Motor Pool Czar, Lt. Just_a_Car be very annoyed, but I will have to sit down and redistribute some of your time to a more worthy cause. I'm thinking about pulling your file from the Lifespan Duration Security Administration unless you can properly make good excuses as to the sorry state of my Chevy Volt.


Comrades, once again we are presented with a Teachable Moment.

The Bourgeois Reactionary's Response would be to own up to the damage that has been done to a fellow citizen's property and make restitution.

The Party Approved Progressive Response is to say
GEORGE W BUSH DID IT!!!!!
 

Obamugabe

Comrade Opiate

Obamugabe, I must denounce your denounciation of me, for your suggested "approved" response is in fact, fallacious. The correct response in this instance would be to have Joe Biden denounce Israel for refusing to budge on important Palestinian demands such as requiring all Israelis to kill themselves and thus stymie the entire peace process.




http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2010/09/americas-suicide-mission-in-case-of-base-shooting-dod-says-grab-three-ring-binder.html


Hmmm, I had no idea that 3 ring binders could be used in this manner. I shall order these devices be CONFISCATED AND BANNED IMMEDIATELY in order to protect man-made disaster makers the public.
 

Commodore Snoogie Woogums

Party-Approved Progressive Response

Get drunk, Go broke and Blame Bush


Happy to help.


Not only is this the approved response, it is also our plan to fix the economy.
 

Fraulein Pulloskies

Comrade Opiate, I must denounce you for denouncing Comrade Obamugabe. That makes you racist and we can't have any of those in our collective masses, unless so specifically deemed by Mistress Nanski, Mistress Harry Reid or the One Himself. (we know when they appear to be racist and bigoted they are not; they are just 'appearing')


Fraulein, it is a fact that Empress Nancy deems Obamugabe to be clean and articulate and a good speaker unencumbered by urban dialects and that Lord Harry thinks Obamugabe is the hottest thing in the Senate (or is it the other way around? Ah, who cares.) These attitudes are not raaaaacist or demeaning because they are proffered by benevolent progressive hypocrites leaders who only desire to do good for their lowly subjects The People ™.

And we know that Teddy Kennedy making waitress sandwiches with fellow drunk lion Chris Dodd was NOT a sexist act because of all the GOOD they did for womyn. Just as Sir Bill Clinton hitting on everything with a skirt a few serving wenches was not a sexist act for they considered it an honor to service a man who did so much for womyn with a quick bl*w job.

In conclusion, nothing we Progressives do is negative because it is ALWAYS outweighted by all the GOOD we do for everyone. We have a permanent "Get Out of Jail Free" card by dint of the fact that we are Progressives. So comrades, feel free to go out and do something illegal or immoral today! When you are challenged, just say "Hey, I'm a Progressive! This is nothing compared to all the GOOD I do for society!" It's a wonderful country.
 

Comrade Opiate, you have a good thought to be taken under consideration. You should receive a Daily Updated Memo with the next 2 to 43 weeks, regarding the decision of the Collective. (but now that I've sobered up reconsidered my personal consideration, I cannot see or deem a Prog racist or bigoted, merely because of his words or deeds. We are all above that, are we not.)
I shall find another to denounce, perhaps some useless prole.
 

Comrade Opiate,

What fine teachable moments you have listed. I declare you the Czar of How to Blame Others for Just About Everything.

Oh, and it's always good to mock one's accuser and predict what others will say next, instead of flat out denying what we made progresssives really are.

"He's called me a socialist for wanting to roll back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week, he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
 

A glorious article Comrade Opiate, perhaps as others have done, we can continue adding to the list, after all, The Party teaches you something new everyday.

Situation: A TV station is showing programs you'd rather not watch

Bourgeois Reactionary's Response: Stop watching said show(s) or the station all together

Party-Approved Progressive Response: Walk into the HQ with a loaded gun and/or a bomb strapped to your chest demanding the network change its programing to suit your manner (and your manner alone, because, you know, everyone believes what you believe).

Situation: You made a mistake

Bourgeois Reactionary's Response: Take responsibility and try to fix it.

Party-Approved Progressive Response: Blame Bush.