Who Will Help Me Raise the Pig? A People's Fairy Tale

Glorious news, comrades! Last night while cleaning the latrines of the collective near the back fence, I heard a rustling, and some snorting, so I looked outside of the 5 seater women's outhouse (as you know it has 5 seats in honor of Dear Stalin's 5 year plans), and there was a not yet full grown sow (thanks to Lenin the moon was full, or I might have mistook it for another comrade). The beet salad we all had yesterday did produce some trouble in some of your stomachs, as you know, and the vodka wasn't enough to counteract it.

Somehow the sow must have worked her way under the fence from the collective next to ours. And why is it that they have been more successful raising livestock than us, I'd like to know. Well, never mind, I can't begrudge them, but we must take advantage of this glorious opportunity. Who knows? Maybe she is carrying a litter of little piggies inside of her, and will bring more red meat to our collective than we have had in years.

I have created a temporary barricade around her, but I'm going to need some help and I am expecting everyone in the collective to do their fair share.

Colonel 7.62, will you organize several comrades to take up a weapon and stand to post around the pig? We'll need to guard her around the clock, as members of the collective next door might find out she is gone and come looking for her.

And who will help me build a pig pen? And who will help me feed the pig? And who will help me clean the pig? And when she is ready for slaughter, who will help me butcher the pig?
And once she is butchered, who will help me cure the meat? And once the meat is cured, who will help me cook the pig, and slice the bacon.

Just imagine! If we are not like the lazy dog, cat and goose in that nonsensical story, "The Little Red Hen," we can prove the capitalists of the world wrong, and they will see just how well we collectivists work together.

I'm counting on you, Comrades! And I mean all of you! Don't let me down. There has been some scuffles lately over beet cleaning duty, and we need to pull together. And if this goes on, our vodka rations may be severely limited.

If the meat isn't confiscated for the higher up apparatchiks, we could have some wonderful meals ahead - pork and beet stew, pork chops and beet salad, bacon, lettuce and beet sandwiches, pork ribs, roast pork loin and pickled beets. And we might even butcher a suckling, like they do in Spain. You know how much Dear Leader loves Spain. We could have a roast suckling dinner in honor of Dear Leader, you know.

And one final thing. We should come up with a name for the pig? Any suggestions?

Comrade Leninka
 

I will be on standby. Alert me as soon as the meal is ready and I will arrive promptly. In the mean time, I will tirelessly feel badly for the circumstances surrounding the pig's plight and write impassioned articles for our local paper; thereby displaying my good intentions and sympathy in order to earn my place at your table.
 

"And once she is butchered, who will help me cure the meat? "

AAAAAKKK! What about her family and wee ones??! Have you thought this through???

That's quite a look'n pig you found dear Leninka. I am thinking maybe she needs to spend one night in one's abode and then a night in another's abode, so to spread her sweetness and aroma around to all comrades? As for a name... um, I am thinking something grandiose and festive.... like Kommissie Katrina? Kool Kommissie Katrina?

How'bout Bacon?



 

Comrade Leninka,

I volunteer to transport workers to feed and care for Miss Piggy via Dear Leader's Party Approved Van for transporting members of the collective to pig farms for work detail from Party Approved apartments so that pork rations will be distributed equally in the Glorious world of Next Tuesday to all triumphant people under the socialist system : http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2011/09/ ... van-to-us/
 

Comrade People's Comrade,

That is very fine that you wish to write away, but don't think you will be able to get out of your pig duties. I'm thinking of appointing Check Point Charlie--thank you Check Point Charlie for providing a People's Vehicle--to be a shock worker, and Fraulein as his assistant, and any time you feel like slinking away, I'll have you shocked back into carrying out your pig duties.
 

Comrade Leninka,

The only name that pops into my mind for the pig seems to be "Michael Moore-[on]"—for now.

Comrade Check Point,

I know you may not have received the memo, and I do appreciate your fervor of introducing Dear Leader's Party approved van, but alas, the Official Party Vehicle has already been decided by The Peoples Labor Ministry, Kommandantess Hilda Solis. It's the Chebby Equinox, proudly made by union auto workers in the Peoples Republic of Kanukistan.
 

Judge Fraulein Pulloskies

"And once she is butchered, who will help me cure the meat? "

AAAAAKKK! What about her family and wee ones??! Have you thought this through???

That's quite a look'n pig you found dear Leninka. I am thinking maybe she needs to spend one night in one's abode and then a night in another's abode, so to spread her sweetness and aroma around to all comrades? As for a name... um, I am thinking something grandiose and festive.... like Kommissie Katrina? Kool Kommissie Katrina?

How'bout Bacon?

Oh, the glorious smell of bacon! How I miss it. Just think! The day may come when it may waft through the smelly common room, and could make a good Collective Frebreze odor remover. And I see you have already placed a hat on the pig. Very nice.
 

Corporeal Whinny

Comrade Leninka,

The only name that pops into my mind for the pig seems to be "Michael Moore-[on]"—for now.



Comrade Whinny,

Don't believe that the suggestion of a name will be the only contribution acceptable to the collective. What else are you bringing to the party?
 

Made Progs find it sufficient to express society's guilt, which I heartily express, in order to gain acceptance at the table of fellowship. We accuse others, long for Utopian existence and encourage protest; all of which I am accusing, longing and encouraging. These sympathetic efforts render (all due respect to pork) us exhausted and leave no time for actual proletariat swine tending; although, we encourage proletariat swine tending and look forward, ourselves, to it when things become a bit less hectic.

I can find it in me to offer a name, however:
Lipstick
 

Now that FLATUS has an official Secret Service (SS) Shovel Handler (much like a roadie, to which I can attest the value of and thereof, and thereby) - well, she MIGHT just loan you her shovel handler occasionally. Probably only when she's asleep though.
 

Leninka

Oh, the glorious smell of bacon! How I miss it. Just think! The day may come when it may waft through the smelly common room, and could make a good Collective Frebreze odor remover. And I see you have already placed a hat on the pig. Very nice.

In most honesty, the aroma I was pondering was more along the lines of, umm, remains of the day... pig droppings. I seems to be already waffling throughout the gulag.

Pass the Frebreze pleze.
 

Ahem. Leninka, may I remind you that a pig is primarily composed of pork, and that the distribution of pork is the sole province of the government. I have alerted the Department of Agriculture. They will be here to take the pig in the morning, so that it may be redistributed to Union Workers through the President's recently announced Porkulous Junior (Wich We Must Pass Immediately).
 

Leninka! I'm surprised at you! Butchering???? This pig is a fellow creature of earth, and you obviously have murderous intentions towards it. Since the Department of Agriculture will take at least 3 days just to fill out their paperwork, I don't think they will arrive tomorrow as Brain in a Jar suggests, so I have sent a message to my friends from The Animal Liberation Brigade, who have just about cracked the code to allow them to escape from solitary confinement. We should name the pig Elsa, for like the lion in the film Born Free, she will be released to the jungle....or forest or meadow or wherever it is that pigs live when they are free.

Elsa, here is your theme song! Never fear! Liberation is nigh!!!!




*****FREE THE PIG AND SAVE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!*******************************

Oh, and if neither the D of A or the ALB arrive, I will be happy to help you EAT the pig.
 

All of which obviously begs the question - Leninka, have you paid the requisite taxes on that pig? Or do you consider it to be, in fact, an entitlement pig? Does that pig have a corporate jet?



These and other pork-related questions remain to be answered!
 

Quote:

And who will help me build a pig pen? And who will help me feed the pig? And who
will help me clean the pig? And when she is ready for slaughter, who will help
me butcher the pig? And once she is butchered, who will help me cure the
meat? And once the meat is cured, who will help me cook the pig, and slice the
bacon.

Leninka, like Princess Nookie, I too am surprised at you, but for different reasons. To answer all of the above questions, you need look no further than the Government!

Thanks to Obama's new Affordable Jobs Act, right now the government can invest in programs that will put millions of comrades to work building a pen, preparing food for the pig, and providing health care (to include cleaning).

Additionally, we can fund the construction of an abattoir* right now, and put millions more comrades to work right away building it! (Only think of the millions more yet we can employ to do environmental impact studies before we even break ground!)

We have millions of comrades waiting for urgently needed training programs, so they can learn the skills that will allow them to get good-paying jobs slaughtering the pig, and then curing it and cooking it and slicing it into bacon, etc.

All of the above are programs that Congress should pass right now. All of these programs will create millions of new jobs right away--all of them union jobs! And just think--all of them will be paid for!

I'm absolutely appalled that none of you have thought of this already. Why, "new government program" were the first three words to pop into my head when I first read the above quote--but then they're always the first three words to pop into my head no matter what. For crying out loud, what's wrong with all of you that I have to point this out?

Why must I do everything around here when that's what the government is for?

*Finally I get to use that word in a sentence! Now if only I can come up with a way to drop "rannygazoo" into one of my posts!
 

Abattoir? Is that the place the head of a monastery goes to the bathroom after a hearty meal of rannygazoo?
 

Rannygazoo:

• 1. The run-around, or nonsense, as in, “I had to pass as Canadian so I could avoid all ‘rannygazoo’ with my visa status.” 2. A prank or joke; semi-archaic, from the 1940′s and PG Wodehouse novels.

It's ABATTOIR
 

Leninka

Corporeal Whinny

Comrade Leninka,

The only name that pops into my mind for the pig seems to be "Michael Moore-[on]"—for now.



Comrade Whinny,

Don't believe that the suggestion of a name will be the only contribution acceptable to the collective. What else are you bringing to the party?

Umm, a healthy appetite and paper plates? Ok, I'll bring some Sam Adams Oktoberfest too.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

*Finally I get to use that word in a sentence! Now if only I can come up with a way to drop "rannygazoo" into one of my posts!



AP/Reuters:
Rannyga, MS

Veteranarians here at the world famous Rannyga Zoo have announced the birth of Baby Panda "Pinkie", the offspring of Linkie and Binkie, gifts from the People's Republic of China.
 

Leninka

If the meat isn't confiscated for the higher up apparatchiks, we could have some wonderful meals ahead - pork and beet stew, pork chops and beet salad, bacon, lettuce and beet sandwiches, pork ribs, roast pork loin and pickled beets. And we might even butcher a suckling, like they do in Spain. You know how much Dear Leader loves Spain. We could have a roast suckling dinner in honor of Dear Leader, you know.

Com. Leninka, my dear misguided girl...

As a Made Prog, it gives me great pleasure I am sad to inform you that you are maintaining an animal that is considered haram by our most equal Mooslim Brothers and Sisters. Ergo, they are not allowed to partake in your list of culinary delights...which is frankly, unfair.

Furhtermore, the risks of consuming pork are legend... Do you really expect the Government to subsidise your poor life choices when you desire a quadrouple heart bypass to extend a wasted life of reckless abandon???!!!

So, with that in mind... [grasping the lead to the smelly beast] ... I will be removing the offending mammal and taking it into Inner Party custody.

Whilst you are all guilty of crimes against the Party for daring to be so insensitive, I will extend a warning this time...I and the other Made Progs will destroy the evidence to remove all trace of your guilt. No, no, there is no need to thank us. It is our duty to protect you from yourselves.

Leninka.... be a dear and organise the construction of a smoke house "sweat lodge" for the Made Progs on staff. We prefer hickory wood to warm the facility. This should further aswage your guilt and avert your impending doom.

Thank you.

[Exits stage right with the sow in tow -- then shouts off stage]

HEY! THEO! CALL THE GANG! TIS TIME FOR A BRAAI!!!
 

Abolition of the family! Even the most radical flare up at this infamous proposal of the Communists.

On what foundation is the present family, the bourgeois family, based? On capital, on private gain. In its completely developed form, this family exists only among the bourgeoisie. But this state of things finds its complement in the practical absence of the family among proletarians, and in public prostitution.

The bourgeois family will vanish as a matter of course when its complement vanishes, and both will vanish with the vanishing of capital.

Do you charge us with wanting to stop the exploitation of children by their parents? To this crime we plead guilty.

http://revolution2.us/content/docs/history/communist/manifesto.htm#family
 

Thank you, Pinkie, Comrade People's Comrade, and Nookie. Of all the garbage words of wisdom I have read on these post, at the very least, it is you three who have suggested appropriate names. Go back to listening school, the rest of you!! I now, in the name of Stalin, name this pig Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick, so there! As for the rest of you: Scratchanich, as soon as Colonel 7.62 shows up, you are to offer yourself as chief of weapon cleaning duty! You are not even fit to pick up a weapon and stand to post! Rahm Emmanuel, until you can figure out a way to turn that jive talk hooey gooey schtekem, lickem, and rakem into a good sauce that goes with just about everything, I'm putting you on guard duty to ward off the tax collectors who think this operation is a money maker, but are gravely mistaken. Can you do that!! I ask!! Can you do that!! I hope so!! R.O.C.K., I certainly hope you have brought contraband arms made in Montana with you, because you're going to need them when Colonel 7.62 shows up and assigns you to a 12 hours shift guarding the Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick. Comrade Brain in a Jar, aka Ivoin, how dare you!!! I for one, know just how much Kulak land you are holding back. You think by joining with the rest of us that the K.G.B of agrigultura won't be coming for you, but think again. So, if you want' to hold on to one of the last remnants of private property around here, you'd better be able to pay up, and I mean pay up, like in hours of standing to the post with Colonel 7.62. Otherwise, not only will you land be gone with the Schwein. You won't even be one of the lucky ones who will be waking up to smell the bacon!!
 

Leninka

Rahm Emmanuel, until you can figure out a way to turn that jive talk hooey gooey schtekem, lickem, and rakem into a good sauce that goes with just about everything, I'm putting you on guard duty to ward off the tax collectors who think this operation is a money maker, but are gravely mistaken. Can you do that!! I ask!! Can you do that!! I hope so!!

Ho ho ho ho... You are quite the komedian, Little Leninka... Indeed... You are even quite cheeky considering there is a mindless purge afoot.

Not to worry... Com. Theo and I have all but eliminated the evidence of your conspiracy. Don't make me change my mind now... We're holding a ham hock and a side of back bacon in reserve to be sure. If you are willing to keep quiet, I won't have you shipped off to a death re-education camp... As I am feeling a bit generous today, I may even let you have the trotter if you repent of your kapitalist, Teabagging ways.
 

Okay, we have got to coordinate Project Porker better tha this. On my way to take my shift on guard duty this morning, I came across two guys with Department of Agriculture badges, five wormy looking guys and one girl with greasy hair all dressed as ninjas, and three IRS agents all piled in a heap outside the perimeter fence near the south gate. From the damage to the bushes, it looks like all three groups got here at about the same time and had a donnybrook before somebody tazered the bejesus out of the lot of them. I'm not sure who, but one of the Animal Liberation Brigade ninjas has what looks like one of Bruno's high heels wedged in an intimate place.
 

I only have one other concern, Leninka. I'm worried about those teabagging, barbaric son-of-a-bitching Islamophobes who will use Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick to further frame their hateful debate against our Muslim comrades, who would consider her unclean (which is why we need to invest right away in a new government program to clean her so as not to offend this Very Special Victim Group). You know those T.B.S.O.B.I.'s will scream bloody murder (literally) over the very idea of any kind of government program that they see as accommodating in any way to the Muslim community.

I'm afraid this, in turn, will cause severe emotional anguish to some of our more--shall we say, vulnerable--in the Muslim community, who may feel compelled to respond in the only way they know how, because that's a part of their culture and belief system, and let's face it, it's their culture and belief system that are constantly under attack by these "Political Points First, Country Last" budget terrorists.

These are the kind of thoughts that keep me up all day.
 

My Dear Comrades,Since pork is "the other white meat", the status of the silly named pig is not that of a protected species.Therefore said pig is to be dropped off at the People's Hell's Kitchen, where I, personally will attend to the butchering of same pig.The pig will do well as there will be a special Pig Roast to commemorate the Days of Rage on October 8-11, a very special event, of course, for all made progs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Days_of_Rage
 

Comrades!

The Politburo, under the direction of Senator Chuck Schumer, has established a number of committees to aid in the creation of new bureaus to help care for this pig and ensure it has access to affordable health care, a college education, and a good paying job.

The Committee for Ecological Re-Settlement and Preservation for the Pig (CERSPP) is working together with the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) to advance the work of the Committee for Affordable Housing for Pigs and Farm Animal-Americans (CAHPFA). Together, these two committees, along with the planned Bureau of Domesticated Animal Rights and the Bureau of Non-Domesticated Animal Rights, will secure the funding needed to provide the pig with the most basic essentials.

Along with the two committees and two new bureaus, we have also secured the federal funding needed for the following:

- Creation of the Association for Affordable Loans for the Pig (AALP) also known as Piggy Mae

- Allocation of $4 billion in the construction of Section 8 housing around farm lands -- and on farm lands -- to house and support the pig(s). The original $4 billion is but a "rough estimate" of the actual amount needed for these projects.

- Creation of the Department of Education's Special Committee on Securing the Pig's Future (SPIFFY). This new committee will establish an independent bureau charged with ensuring the pig is given a good education, taught a native language (we are working on the language of choice for the pig), and given hiring preference on the farm of its own choosing.

- Creation of the Pig Equal Opportunity Task-Force (PEOTF). This task-force is working on ways to ensure that Non-Pigs are held accountable for any acts of discrimination against said Swine-Americans. We are also working towards renaming Swine Flu to something else in order to remove negative association with Swine-Americans.

This is but a sample of the work YOUR FEDERAL FAMILY is doing to ensure Swine-Americans have a chance to join America's middle class. We are working tirelessly and creating millions of new jobs setting up the bureaucratic infrastructure needed to care for this pig and many others like it. My own coordinating committee in conjunction with the Recovery Act will ensure that the pig receives only the best America's tax-payers can afford.

But... we need more money. PASS THIS BILL. PASS IT NOW!
 

Chairman Punchenko- And we know exactly who to put in charge of these great new agencies you propose-


 

It takes a village!




 

Che Gourmet

My Dear Comrades,Since pork is "the other white meat", the status of the silly named pig is not that of a protected species.Therefore said pig is to be dropped off at the People's Hell's Kitchen, where I, personally will attend to the butchering of same pig.The pig will do well as there will be a special Pig Roast to commemorate the Days of Rage on October 8-11, a very special event, of course, for all made progs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Days_of_Rage

Dammit Comrades,

Do you see the above quote? Comrade Che Gourmet is the only one who's stepped up to help. What kind of collective is this?

Comrade Raum,

Yer not gettin' your greedy paws on that pig, Mr. Ham and Cheese, and if you try anything, I'll be sending you some stinky three day old Louisiana shrimp shells in a box all the way to Chicago. And I will tie you up, and make you watch 13 consecutive episodes of Mondo Cane Bizzarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. As for purging, my skin color protects me from that. After all, it's protected Dear Leader, in spite of all the felonies he's racked up before and after his being elected.

Pinkie,

Do not worry about the Mooslims. We are Marxists here, dammit, and our sacred object of worship in the current era is Dear Leader. If that pig dies and we bury on the grounds of the collective, no Mooslim will ever want to build a temple. Of course, Dear Leader is a Mooslim Marxist, or his he a Marxist Mooslim? I wonder if he, too, steers clear of pig. Well, I'll rationalize our keeping the pig, right here and right now! As a descendent of slaves, I'm entitled to my pork ribs and that's that.

Comrade Puchenko,

Send the pig to the gulag? When pigs fly! Is that your excuse for not helping me with the pig? What, are you afraid of getting the edges of your sleeves soiled? Did you know that during the French Revolution, it was considered quite guache to wear one's shirt sleeves sticking out of one's coat, lest one be thought of as being pretentiously above the peasantry? I'd love to see you in a pair of overalls with mud up to your knees. It would do you good!

Comrade Scratch-an-Itch,

Bawney would make a fine pig in anyone's collective, now wouldn't he?
 

Help? Help?! Dearest Leninka, it is up to our benevolent government to pass our the helpings. Have you not filled out forms 521C and 498A.3? This must be done and completed in triplicate twice, before help will arrive. You are most fortunate they have shorted the process to between 6 and 15 mo. for a reply!
 

Comrade Leninka, be of good cheer, We have just passed a bill dealing with your little piglet. We are unsure at the moment what it is you are specifically seeking but, not to worry, we have not written the bill as yet and will cover those details later.
--Comrade Omaba
 

Accchhh! Forms, bills, this is not the vision I had for the perfect utopian collective. I'm going to take the pig into the mountains if I have to, and I'll take care of it all myself. Boohoo, boohoo. I'm so sad. I'm beginning to feel just like the Little Red Hen. Well, with Che Gourmet, I'll have my own personal gourmet chef, and the rest of you can feed on your damn beets!
 

Leninka

Accchhh! Forms, bills, this is not the vision I had for the perfect utopian collective. I'm going to take the pig into the mountains if I have to, and I'll take care of it all myself. Boohoo, boohoo. I'm so sad. I'm beginning to feel just like the Little Red Hen. Well, with Che Gourmet, I'll have my own personal gourmet chef, and the rest of you can feed on your damn beets!
Comrad Leninka- You can bring your pig to my house. I have a perfect place to hide him and keep him nice and warm...
 

Thank you for that offer Scratchanitch. Maybe we can get Check Point Charlie to transport all of us. We can confiscate the new people's van for the trip.
 

Leninka

Thank you for that offer Scratchanitch. Maybe we can get Check Point Charlie to transport all of us. We can confiscate the new people's van for the trip.

What's with the "we" part? I intended to take care of the pig myself.
 

Nice try, Scratchy.
 

Comrade Frau,

You didn't offer to help me with the piggy, but you did make R.E.L. a nice hat. And I do appreciate that,

. . . .but as for the rest of you?

Who will help me raise the pig? Was the question I asked, and what did I get back?

Not I, said the People's Comrade.
Not I said Pinkie.
Not I, said Punchenko.
Not I, said Betinov.
Not I, said Whinny.
Not I, said Raum,
Not I, said Scratchanitch
Not I, said Nookie.
Not I, said R.O.C.K.

And Colonel 7.62 didn't even show up to pick up a weapon and stand to post.

I'm quite disappointed in all but a few of you.
 

Comrade Leninka, perhaps you could use some respite from your pig caring duties. No doubt the dacha is becoming quite aromatic... You could easily bribe my guards and we could keep him in my cell of the gulag and no one would be the wiser or notice any untoward stenches.
 

Comrade Leninka,

I have a very large step ladder. I can raise the pig higher than he's ever been before. Yes, yes! I WILL help raise the PIG!
 

Leninka

Send the pig to the gulag? When pigs fly!



 

Leninka

Comrade Frau,

You didn't offer to help me with the piggy, but you did make R.E.L. a nice hat. And I do appreciate that,

. . . .but as for the rest of you?

Who will help me raise the pig? Was the question I asked, and what did I get back?

Not I, said the People's Comrade.
Not I said Pinkie.
Not I, said Punchenko.
Not I, said Betinov.
Not I, said Whinny.
Not I, said Raum,
Not I, said Scratchanitch
Not I, said Nookie.
Not I, said R.O.C.K.

And Colonel 7.62 didn't even show up to pick up a weapon and stand to post.

I'm quite disappointed in all but a few of you.

What a shame we have such lazy lousy comrades, is it not?!

I volunteer Comrade Buffoon and Whoopie, who are useless most of the time and of need to work to do. They will show up tomorrow in the a.m. ready to the readiness.
 

Comrade Leninka.... On second thought bribing my guards to hide pig here would not be a good idea. My daily provisons were refused by local collective pig farms..
 

Comrades. I must protest in the highest terms the slander and libel uttered against the good name of Scratchanitch.

If you review the RECORD, I offered safe refuge for the pig in a nice warm place.

And I did not need or request any HELP in my great self- sacrificing act.

Comrade Lenika DECLINED MY OFFER.

Comrade Scratchanitch did NOT say NO as Comrade Lenika now falsely testifies.

And now to add insult to injury, Judge Fraulein Pulloskies pronounces from the bench that Scratchanitch is a LAZY COMRADE!

This is intolerable!
 

Leninka

Comrade Frau,

You didn't offer to help me with the piggy, but you did make R.E.L. a nice hat. And I do appreciate that,

. . . .but as for the rest of you?

Who will help me raise the pig? Was the question I asked, and what did I get back?

Not I, said the People's Comrade.
Not I said Pinkie.
Not I, said Punchenko.
Not I, said Betinov.
Not I, said Whinny.
Not I, said Raum,
Not I, said Scratchanitch
Not I, said Nookie.
Not I, said R.O.C.K.

And Colonel 7.62 didn't even show up to pick up a weapon and stand to post.

I'm quite disappointed in all but a few of you.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear the first time. THE GOVERNMENT should be responsible for taking care of the pig!

Responsible, yes, but not to blame. For if you must blame anyone, Leninka, then blame those son-of-a-bitching teabagger terrorist Republicans who won't allow investment in any new government program to take care of the pig-- unless you can somehow make it look like a tax cut for millionaires, billionaires, and corporate jet owners.

The Republicans are at fault!

The Republicans are the ones constantly chanting, "Not I."

Yet the Republicans are the ones who'll steal that pig, send it to India to be slaughtered by non-unionized children in some sweatshop, then shipped back so they (the Republicans) can gorge themselves on all the bacon and spare ribs and pork chops. And they do it just to aggravate the Muslim community, to provoke them into an attack, just so the Islamophobic Republicans can say, "Look, there go the Muslims again! They're nothing but terrorists out to destroy America!" when in fact it's the Republicans who are the terrorists out to destroy America, and they're simply making Muslims the scapegoats.

While gorging on bacon and spare ribs and pork chops and honey-baked ham with pineapple. And sharing none of it with anyone else. Ask them if they will and they'll simply say, "Not I."

Republicans are holding the pig hostage! They have explosives strapped to the pig, and are threatening to blow it up if any one of us listed above tries to help take care of it. I tell you, they'll blow it up to smithereens, just to score cheap political points!

We have a vast array of government programs for the pig all ready to go right now--and all paid for, too--if Republicans will only stop the games and posturing and rannygazoo and pass the American Pork Act right freaking now! Now! NOW! The pig is suffering and can't wait another day. You can read what's in the damn thing later, just pass it NOW!
 

Dammit Pinkie, I want my progressive world of next Tuesday here, and I want it now. I don't want to be waiting for Dear Leader to bluff and bloviate his way to the next election, although I'm very happy with the way he set the Republicans up to blame them for the high unemployment if they don't PasstheBill. You'd think he was getting his training on how to blame the Republicans for everything right here at the Cube, and especially from the present company (I won't mention names).

In the meantime, with all these programs that are available to the pig, she still needs a clean place to sleep, and some kind of food. Pigs really are clean animals, you know.
 

Leninka, I feel you pain. In lieu of spending a great many words ranting and raving as to how much I feel your pain, simply believe my good intentions. Warren Buffet and I are calling for higher taxes to fund a Pig Support Commission to assess the problem immediately. We will not sleep until this Commission is formed and funded.

Your cause has taken on international significance with our Comrades across the pond. Prince Charles, a champion spokesman on Climate Change, World Hunger, Over Population and his own invisible importance has heard you call. This Royal Protuberance with his "git 'er done" style should solve all your problems.



 

Lenninka,

My little babushka, your Commodore is here to save your bacon. I have pondered your situation and it is obvious that what you lack here is pretty simple. You need REGULATIONS passed, lots of them and you need it now. I have been busy putting together the "Affordable Pig Care Act" that will bend down the pig care cost curve by creating market exchanges mandating that all pig owners shop there for their pig caring needs. The exchanges will be run by mid level bureaucrats whose expertise has already been demonstrated through their adept running of the Post office and of your local DMV's, so you know this will be a success.

Here it is. No need to worry whats in it, you'll find out after we pass it.



 

Commodore Snoogie Woogums

Lenninka,

My little babushka, your Commodore is here to save your bacon. I have pondered your situation and it is obvious that what you lack here is pretty simple. You need REGULATIONS passed, lots of them and you need it now. I have been busy putting together the "Affordable Pig Care Act" that will bend down the pig care cost curve by creating market exchanges mandating that all pig owners shop there for their pig caring needs. The exchanges will be run by mid level bureaucrats whose expertise has already been demonstrated through their adept running of the Post office and of your local DMV's, so you know this will be a success.

Here it is. No need to worry whats in it, you'll find out after we pass it.

paperwork.jpg

Once again proving that the Left Way IS THE ANSWER to every problem, big and small.
 

I am sorry that I'm late to the party; I was putting out a brush fire of independence among the proles. Hint: buy Jiffy-Lobo(tm) stock. That's insider trading.

Meow, I quite like the idea of Piggy Mae and of course, Pinkie, there needs to be government program, but is calling a government program "Piggie Mae" like saying Barack Hussein Obama? We are told that even though he used his real names in his inauguration, it is bigoted to use them. And of course I believe it. I make a point of believing ten impossible things before breakfast.

The Affordable Pork Act. I like that. I like Porkissimus, as Stimulus 2, 3, 4 and ad infinitum. And that unPerson Rush Limbaugh once said that America was a giant sow with 300,000,000 teats and what's wrong with that? Since we, as Made Progs, can turn off the milk as required. Just ask Gibson guitars.

As far as naming the pig goes, do any of you have any sense? Of course it's Hillary. Our dear Many Titted Empress has not been in the sun lately, eclipsed by His Awesomeness and his fellating press corps. Sorry; I ought not try to make Dear Oleader sound the empty, silly, vicious Chicago thug that he is. I ought to have said, his fellating press core. I would love to see Dr. Krugman, Nobel laureate, Pinch's sage, the ultimate triumph of Jiffy-Lobo™, PBUH, give pointers to a homing queen I know.

And finally, Leninka. I detect a bit of kulak pride in your pig. Now if you were as much of an out-and-out socialist thief as Meow is, or the rat bastard the Pupovich is, or as pure a the driven snow as I am, you'd rise above it. But being proud of a pig?

Bill and Hillary lived together before they got married.
 

BTW, rannygazoo is what you get if you eat a burgoo that's gone bad.
 

LIES!

Comrades, those evil Rethuglikkkan Teabaggers are spreading lies about our "Affordable Pig Care Act". So the people will turn against it. They are citing page 2435 sub para (d) part A reference enclosure F. and trying to spin it in a most pathetic way.

I REPEAT the regulation clearly states, "A permanent inner party committee shall be formed to periodically review menu options for pigs that fall under this act and are nearing retirement" it is not a DEATH PANEL.
 

FYI - Leninka... Some of the boys have received a damning communique concerning your pig.




 

Commodore I'm certain this bill is very Pork friendly.
 

Oh Leninka, you are such an idealist. You still believe that a utopian paradise is possible and something more than just a fantasy. How adorable. It's not your fault, The Party™ promotes the lie. Yes, The Progressive World of Next Tuesday is nothing more than a marketing ploy and a recruiting tool. Go ahead comrades, denounce me for speaking truth other than The Current Truth™, but I can't sit here rolling in laughter at Leninka's plight any longer. You silly girl, why would anyone break a sweat helping with the pig when Obama provides all we need?

Now comrades, let's have some fun. Let's cut the fence of the collective next to ours, take their security force hostage, trash the place, and steal ALL their pigs. It sure beats working.
 

COMRADES!

GRAB YOUR SHOVELS AND PREPARE COUNTER PROTESTS!

Before we can jam through the "Affordable Pig Care Act" using legislative shenanigans that make a mockery of the Constitution, those Teabagging Rethuglikkan extremists are now organizing and conducting protests against it !!!!!!!!! Disgusting photos below.











The Party has already engaged state media organs (CNN, New York Times etc) to portray these protests as motivated by racist gun toting bible quoting bitter clingers. They of course were only happy to oblige, but we need counter slogans and fast! Bring your ideas!!!!!!!!
 

Shovel 4 U

FYI - Leninka... Some of the boys have received a damning communique concerning your pig.
]

Comrade Shovel, I find that very disturbing - no show trial, no attorney, no festive makings... just lunch? Sweet Lenin, dear pig has barely been here 24 hours and this happens!

I denounce all those greedy capitalist comrades.
 

Am I the only one to find this offensive and marginalizing to our Mooslim comrades?
 

Tovarichi

Am I the only one to find this offensive and marginalizing to our Mooslim comrades?No.

You're not. I, too, feel their pain.

But not their lack of bacon :)
 

Tovarichi, haven't you been reading MY posts? Not only was I the first to point it out, but I made another point of pointing out that I'm the only one here who sees the obvious--because I'm the only one who cares! And I'M the one who has to explain to YOU--YET AGAIN!--of the opportunity and urgent need for yet more new government programs!

What do I have to do--whack you upside the head with my shovel?

WHACK!!!

What more can I do to make you understand the importance of government programs? I should think by now you'd be wishing for a government program to take the place of my shovel-whacking--but like C-3PO, to assume such a characteristic would seem to be totally against your programming. Not to mention that such a wish would still get you shovel-whacked, since I am already that very government program!

WHACK!!!

Surely you don't think I whack comrades like you with my shovel because it's a hobby? Or for profit? Is it that what you think? You think?

WHACK!!!

When are you going to get it into what's left of your head that the government is here to do all the thinking for you?

No, I do it because I care, Tovarichi! I care!

WHACK!!!

And as for you, R.O.C.K. in the USSA--are you sure you really feel Tovarichi's pain?

Well, do you?
 

Comrade Leninka,

Suggest to your neighboring collective to start raising donkeys, they are far more progressive.



 

The Republicans are just playing politics again and will try to use the pig to discredit the president's new jobs bill. How they will use the pig is not yet clear to me, but some useful pundit hand-wringing on the issue would be most beneficial in forcing the Do-Nothing Congress™ into action. We need to stop Republican politicization, comrades, and PASS THIS BILL. PASS IT NOW. It's for the children.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

Tovarichi, haven't you been reading MY posts? Not only was I the first to point it out, but I made another point of pointing out that I'm the only one here who sees the obvious--because I'm the only one who cares! And I'M the one who has to explain to YOU--YET AGAIN!--of the opportunity and urgent need for yet more new government programs!

What do I have to do--whack you upside the head with my shovel?

WHACK!!!

What more can I do to make you understand the importance of government programs? I should think by now you'd be wishing for a government program to take the place of my shovel-whacking--but like C-3PO, to assume such a characteristic would seem to be totally against your programming. Not to mention that such a wish would still get you shovel-whacked, since I am already that very government program!

WHACK!!!

Surely you don't think I whack comrades like you with my shovel because it's a hobby? Or for profit? Is it that what you think? You think?

WHACK!!!

When are you going to get it into what's left of your head that the government is here to do all the thinking for you?

No, I do it because I care, Tovarichi! I care!

WHACK!!!

And as for you, R.O.C.K. in the USSA--are you sure you really feel Tovarichi's pain?

Well, do you? The Peoples Mistress Commissarka Pinkie,

I want my WHACK!!! I demand equality.

 

Commissarka Pinkie

WHACK!!!

Whew- I was worried Commissarka Pinkie was going to whack me too.

First Comrade Lenika denies that I volunteered to care for her pig.

Then Judge Fraulein Pulloskies called me lazy.

So getting WHACKED "just because" I offered to take care of the pig myself would have been absolutely normal.

That's pretty much been the story of my life.
 

Chairman,

There would be no evidence left for the Rethuglikkans to use if Lenika would just turn the pig over to me. Has everyone lost their collective minds around here? (exception: tovarichi....he's got his own problems being on the other end of Commissarka Pinkie' s famed golden shovel....hope he realizes that he's rec eiving attention....lol )

Now, sweet, innocent Lenika, my dear, turn over the pig to me, and I will assure that you get to keep the tail as a good luck charm for all you try to do to make this uneducated proletariat "feel" as only a good progressive does.
 

Leninka, I was able to get smuggled in secure some money provisions in order to bribe fund the gulag guards annual picnic and in exchange have this work provided for the little pigs comfort to aid in digestion... BTW....Does said pig have a name? Perhaps we can have a raffle to secure a name..



 

Commissarka Pinkie

And as for you, R.O.C.K. in the USSA--are you sure you really feel Tovarichi's pain?

Well, do you?That's a big negatory on that one Commissarka! But I do feel the pain of the starving Misloom baconless masses, the hopelessness of those who don't understand the Glory of our coming Next Tuesday - and, yes, maybe even a bit of Tovarichi's shovel-induced pain.

But not much.

I'm busy eating :) I has my entitlements, you know!
 

4 whacks in one post. Somehow I believe that to be a Cube Record.

If I were to read all posts, I would know more. This would make me unequal from (dumbasses) those who falsely believe themselves to be my equal.

Of course, since I can take the Quadruple Pinky-whack, I am now more equal than others. It is the fire and hammer that hardens the metal of the finest shovel...

I am honored to reluctantly and with self depreciation accept the burden of superiority.

Vodka and Bacon wrapped beet-nibbles for all of my friends!
 

Hell-inThomas - a pig if ever there were one.

Please give this communist pig a proper name and I will double my output
instantameously.
 

Commissarka,

He's not breathing. I think he's... he's... DEAD!
 

Geez. It looks like everyone wants a piece of this pig, or outright hoard it for themselves, and no one wants to earn the right. Typical free lunch progs, all of you.

Comrade Che Gourmet, et tu? At first you showed some signs of cooperation, and then, what did you do? You cooked up a pot of corruption with a heavy sauce of greed.

Comrades Groucho and FreeLunch, Comrade Father Prog Theocritus who waltzes in here like a gay blade- after a night of sparring--you know what I'm talking about, Father Prog, and after everyone else had put in their two cents, suggested Hillary. We'll add it to the rest and call the pig Hillary Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick.

Comrade Pinkie,

I can't tell you how happy I was to see some whacking around here. Standing to post with my broom and that worthless rifle with the lace and barrel packed with clay that 7.62 issued is wearing me out.

Comrade Tovarichi,

No need to worry about offending our Mooslims friends. And I can rationalize that to say that as a descendent of pig loving slaves, it would be racist to deny me the foods of my peoples.

Here little Hillary Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick, have a beet -- it's all we've got around this lousy Kolkholz.
 

What do you mean earn the "Right"?
 

Comrade Groucho,

What's the matter with you? Can't you read minds? Didn't you telepathically hear me say "earn the right to partake in a bacon baconalia?
 

Did someone say "baconalia"???

PAAARRTTTAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Leninka

Comrade Groucho,

What's the matter with you? Can't you read minds? Didn't you telepathically hear me say "earn the right to partake in a bacon baconalia?
Our all compassionate government guarantees us all rights that we need. We do not earn them. They are a gift from the state. As all of us are equal there is no concept of "earn" and as no one is more deservng than another unless of course, bribes are involved. Then and only then are specia; rights conferred.
 

Bullsh** Comrade Groucho, I see it differently. Special rights are conferred by those in power to confer as they see fit, or as the Party requires.

Example, Dear Leader appoints useless supernumerary the necessary Czars to fill highly paid Government positions previously unrequired overlooked and unfilled by Bush.

More? Pinky whacks the hell out of a mindless prole, and turns him into a valuable member of the Cube, with no bribes involved! (or at least not requested yet...)



Granted, a little cheese spreads a long way, but if everyone could bribe their way out of a work-camp, we'd have a middle class of some sort, and who wants that?

Not I, said Tovarichi! (Groucho--try the bacon-wrapped beet nibbles, they're excellent!)
 

I used to like those decadent American running pig dog jalopenos sliced and wrapped with the peoples bacon and grilled over fire with Chairman Mao's Hosin sauce cooked into them.
 

"Hillary Rannygazoo Elsa Lipstick"? Let's see. Let me collect(ivize) my thoughts. Our Many Titted Empress is our, repeat after me, our Many Titted Empress. I confess to the kulak habit of reading Wodehouse; or rather listening to the superlative Jonathan Cecil renderings in my car as I huff and puff along the roads of West Texas, stealing this here, that there, poisoning wells, and in general saying really mean things about responsible people.

Because I have GoodIntentions™ and I'm a Made Prog. That's how I get away with poisoning the wells. If I were just Theocritus whom everyone knew, but without the impermeable air of Prog rectitude, then I might have to justify my theft, rapine, baseless accusations, and made-up statistics.

Ask Bob Beckel. He's never bothered to memorize single fact, merely lying from deep in his chest, making things up as he goes along and never even bothers to look anything up. Lord Obama is taking lessons from him, when we can get his attention from the mirrors in the White House.

I have a huge crush on Bob Beckel. And here's the good part: he's as nasty as a Chicago Democrat and he didn't even come from Chicago!

Can we make a pill to give to new operatives to make them into Chicago thugs that Lord Obozo would be proud of? One pill, a thousand lies. One pill, a week's traducing of anyone who doesn't believe in your magnificence.

This is the best argument for Obamacare, to develop a pill not to cure cancer or change mortality from heart attacks, but for a pill which doesn't even demand the Caring Scalpels of Jiffy-Lobo™, and which, unlike Jiffy-Lobo, leaves the congregant not supine but ready to go into the breaches with lie after lie after lie, all, all told with a straight face.

Just like Bob Beckel.

I love that fat liar.
 

Korrect me if I'm wrong, but weren't we told by him that sits on high that those things spread diseases?



 

Kommisarka Leninka!

As an aspiring prog and fifth assistant to the reporter apparatchik of "all the news that is fit to print" for the collective, I have non-party approved dishearteningly bad news to indoctrinate relate....

(please do not send the messenger off for re-education!)

It seems the appointed nightshift entrusted to guard our little mascot neglected to give it the "trough treats" due it under "Affordable Pig Care Act". (Reference page 129,435, Article XXVII Section 73, s.s. mmxvi, appendix c.)



Obviously some thoughtless pig fool so agitated the little fella as to induce a crash diet which removed 2.4kg from his entitled body mass, so depriving the collective of the protein it may someday so desperately need.

This issue is in dire need of investigation and once again I shall recommend the fair and equitable legislatefromthebenchdictatorfor life Herr Freisler....



(Unfortunately due to time constraints we were unable to furnish the subtitles for translational purposes, but I'm sure you can tell from his tone he is MOST EQUITABLE)

As an honorable magistrate he shall surely get to the bottom of this heinous act and hang the perpetrators with pianowire come to a fair verdict!

ALL HAIL THE GOD-STATE!

-KAM