After President Trump’s B 2 bombers turned several Iranian nuclear sites into high-temperature parking lots, regime clerics scrambled to explain the event within the framework of mystical Shiite theology.

Supreme Leader Khamenei claimed the uranium is now hidden—like the Twelfth Imam—awaiting a more just and centrifuge-friendly world.

According to a hastily assembled sermon (updated mid-blast), the strike was not an act of war but “a test sent by the Hidden Imam, disguised as Western aerospace engineering.” Ayatollahs insisted the explosions were “a sacred purification ritual” symbolizing the regime’s deep commitment to spiritual enrichment over isotopic.

State media reported that several nuclear scientists achieved martyrdom status, and their paradise paperwork is now being processed by the Department of Virgin Allocation. However, due to their high clearance level, the promised 72 virgins have been downgraded to "remote-only availability due to operational security."

When asked about Trump's role in this divine intervention, clerics paused, consulted their apocalyptic flowcharts, and finally concluded: "He may be the Last Trump. Interpret that as you will."

Sources close to the regime suggest that “the Last Trump” could be either a long-foretold signal of the coming apocalypse, or a dramatic drop in uranium futures.

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/21/2025, 11:39 pm

State media reported that several nuclear scientists achieved martyrdom status, and their paradise paperwork is now being processed by the Department of Virgin Allocation. However, due to their high clearance level, the promised 72 virgins have been downgraded to "remote-only availability due to operational security."

What the Koran doesn't say is whether those 72 virgins are women or men or even goats or pigs. It also doesn't say whether each martyr gets his own 72 virgins or if it's the same 72 virgins for everybody. Further, it doesn't say whether you can take their virginity or if it can't be taken because, y'know, they might have been built like Barbie Dolls down there. 
 

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

6/22/2025, 7:11 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/21/2025, 11:39 pm

State media reported that several nuclear scientists achieved martyrdom status, and their paradise paperwork is now being processed by the Department of Virgin Allocation. However, due to their high clearance level, the promised 72 virgins have been downgraded to "remote-only availability due to operational security."

What the Koran doesn't say is whether those 72 virgins are women or men or even goats or pigs. It also doesn't say whether each martyr gets his own 72 virgins or if it's the same 72 virgins for everybody. Further, it doesn't say whether you can take their virginity or if it can't be taken because, y'know, they might have been built like Barbie Dolls down there. 

Probably not dogs, because Mohammed was terrified of them.
 

Reza Pahlavi, Crown Prince of Iran agrees.

Most Equally Esteemed Comrades,

Why does the phrase “Gee thanks Jimmie” keep rattling around my skull?

Red Salmon

In Putin's Russia, uranium enriches you!

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/22/2025, 10:01 pm

In Putin's Russia, uranium enriches you!

Cold War favorite. WARNING: contains reference to John Wayne as well as a pizza-box slogan variant.



Bomb the Russians
Then they'll never get to you
Bomb the Russians
Then we'll see who buries who

STRIKE
While the iron’s hot
STRIKE
They won't get off a shot
STRIKE
So our bombs from space
Protect the All-American race
STRIKE
End this menace red
STRIKE
They'd be better off dead
STRIKE
When their last blood’s shed
Then we won't worry who's ahead

Bomb the Russians
We don't have to take their shit
Bomb the Russians
We'll be better off for it

STRIKE
While they're all asleep
STRIKE
Kll the commie creep
STRIKE
They messed with the best
Now they die like all the rest

STRIKE
Give 'em one more for me
STRIKE
Put it on TV
STRIKE
Cause The Duke would do it
He would make the Russkies chew it

Bomb the Russians
Bomb the Russians
Bomb the Russians
 

Most Equally Esteemed Comrade Colonel,

A tremendously equal musical selection!  Much obliged.  I must include it in my calming playlist for driving.  Perhaps in between We’ve Got The Neutron Bomb and Napalm Sticks To Kids.  

Red Salmon

RE: Comrade Red Salmon waxes nihilistic with, "I must include it in my calming playlist for driving. Perhaps in between We’ve Got The Neutron Bomb and Napalm Sticks To Kids."

Gives me a flashback to 1986 or so and The Dead Milkmen with "Beach Party Vietnam" (various iterations on YouPube):

[Chorus]
It's a beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

[Verse 1]
Frankie and Annette were
Layin' on the sand
When Frank got a letter
From his Uncle Sam
It said: Get Moon Dog and
All your friends
You're all invited to a

Chorus]
Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

[Bridge]
- Hey Frankie, aren't you gonna give me your class ring?
- Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, Annette
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't have any arms!
(AHHHHGG!)

[Chorus]
Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

[Verse 2]
Annette, she wants Frankie's ring
Frankie wants Annette's thing
They're layin' on the West Coast
There's gonna be a wiener roast

[Chorus]
Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

Most Equally Esteemed Comrade Zeppelin,

I tried Nihilism, but found it exhausting.  

The Dead Milkmen feature prominently in my calming playlist.  The Dead Kennedys do as well.  Holiday in Cambodia is a great tune for de-escalating road rage.  Although, I think feel that technically it should have been titled Holiday in Kampuchea.  At least that's what the "tour guide" at one of the Killing Fields sites told us.  Or maybe it was at the Schoolhouse Prison.  Either way, it seemed like he really knew about the events that occurred at those places.  Provided a lot of detail.  Like he had been there or something...

Red Salmon

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/22/2025, 10:01 pm

In Putin's Russia, uranium enriches you!

Does Putin know what Medvedev is promising Iranians?

Has Medvedev learned nothing from watching “Back To The Future”? Doc Brown promised to deliver nukes to the Libyans, but didn’t deliver. Just saying.

Who does Medvedev think he is? Putin??

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

6/24/2025, 10:03 am

Does Putin know what Medvedev is promising Iranians?

Medvedev pretty much says the things Putin wants out there but doesn’t want to say himself. Nothing in the Russian government gets said without clearance, so this isn’t just freelancing. He’s stepped into the role the late Vladimir Zhirinovsky once played - sounding unhinged so the Kremlin doesn’t have to. Medvedev wasn’t always like this, but he rebranded from technocrat to wild-eyed clown almost overnight. Unlike Zhirinovsky’s theatrics, though, Medvedev’s rants sound more strategic than spontaneous.

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/24/2025, 12:57 pm

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

6/24/2025, 10:03 am

Does Putin know what Medvedev is promising Iranians?

Medvedev pretty much says the things Putin wants out there but doesn’t want to say himself. Nothing in the Russian government gets said without clearance, so this isn’t just freelancing. He’s stepped into the role the late Vladimir Zhirinovsky once played - sounding unhinged so the Kremlin doesn’t have to. Medvedev wasn’t always like this, but he rebranded from technocrat to wild-eyed clown almost overnight. Unlike Zhirinovsky’s theatrics, though, Medvedev’s rants sound more strategic than spontaneous.

The jackalope at first suspected this Russian Propaganda, as well. But, then it sounded so Senator Grahamish, thinking he talked for Trump when it came to selling USSA weapons to whomever he wanted. Big mistake, Senator Grahamish!

Remember when Putin Bear had to comfort the MotherLand for the loss of their Beslan school children? Maybe the Putin Bear isn't as thrilled with Medvedev's nuke promises to innocence stealers of Mother Russia. The MotherLand was grief stricken at this loss and arming Iranians with Russian nukes is anathema to the MotherLand's spiritual learning curve about Islam.

Dmitry Medvedev's comment, doesn't care about that grief of the MotherLand, any more than Senator Grahamish cares about ours. Maybe Medvedev is going to find out where Putin Bear places his Russian boot, next.

Now, let's sing some happy campfire songs about Defenestration and make s'mores!