Cardinals Mull Obama Papacy

Vatican insiders today report what is an apparent "testing the water" move by the White House to suggest President Barack Obama as a possible replacement for retiring Pope Benedict XVI.

Father Guido Sarducci, unofficial Vatican spokesman, confirmed that a "highly placed person" in the administration had floated the idea of naming Obama the Vicar of Christ on Earth when Pope Benedict steps down at the end of the month.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was quick to state that any talk of the President leaving his current office to assume the duties of the supreme pontiff was irresponsible. "We are quite sure that the President would be able to fulfill the duties of both roles simultaneously," Carney reassured reporters.

He admitted that, like assuming the mantle of the presidency, becoming pope would entail a step down for the Lightbringer, but in his well-documented humility the President would be willing to do so to set the Church straight on a number of vital issues.

"Internally, the Church needs a thorough reorganization, starting with assigning union representation for each diocese, and also this staunch resistance to the human right of abortion on demand has obviously got to stop," Carney said.

Furthermore, Carney pointed out the additional advantages of having a Pope Hussein at the helm of the Church.

"Imagine the ecumenical possibilities in the Middle East," the Press Secretary suggested. "This could be the moment when the Earth begins to heal itself, when the waters start to recede in the relationship between Islam and Christianity."

Carney invited reporters to consider how a heartfelt apology to the Arab World for the Crusades could open up an entirely new era of interfaith cooperation. While this would of course "require all lands stolen from the Caliphate by Christendom be returned to the Dar-al-Islam," Carney reminded reporters that the Muslim call to prayer at sunset was one of the sweetest sounds on Earth and that he was sure the Spaniards would welcome back sharia law.

Carney closed the briefing with an emphasis on the historic opportunity this presented to the College of Cardinals. "Imagine, if you will, not only the first African-American pope, but indeed the first non-Catholic pope. I only hope the College of Cardinals can overcome their racism and religious bigotry to make the clear choice."
 

Quote:

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was quick to state that any talk of the President leaving his current office to assume the duties of the supreme pontiff was irresponsible.
Heresy! Obama, as the supreme political being, could do BOTH jobs at once as well as be baseball commissioner, CEO of Apple and the guy who adds a little bit of special stimulus to our lattes at Starbucks. Plus, he can rotate anyone's tires just by thinking about their car (but only if they have a green energy vehicle.)

If Carney commits one more mortal sin such as that, the council will excommunicate him.
 

Dear Leader as both Pope and Messiah? If he speaks directly to himself on our behalf, we have no need of Congress! This could lead to the availability of many a dacha in the Virginia suburbs...
 

YES!!! Only Obama can bring Hope and Change to the world’s Catholics. Make him pope, and from this date, we are only sixteen days away from fundamentally transforming Christendom!

And why the hell should the election of a pope be limited only to a hundred or so old white geezers? This is something that affects the whole world; ergo, everyone should be allowed to vote!

And the qualifications for being Pope are so discriminatory. Apparently you have to be younger than 80…you have to be male…you have to be single…you have to hold the rank of Cardinal…and you have to be Catholic! (Though I’m not sure if you have to be natural born, or if you’d still qualify even if you were born by Caesarean section).

If the masses can’t be allowed to elect Obama pope, then surely he could issue an Executive Order appointing himself to the papacy?
 

FROM HOPE TO POPE

Obama has already toyed with replacing Secret Service with the Vatican-style Swiss Guards to improve security and distract attention from the hooker scandal. So becoming a pope with only be the next logical step.


 

The Pope Punts
 

I would be concerned that being the Pope might conflict with Barackzebub Hussein Obama's hidden Misloomicity, but since he's already the Messiah I spoze it should work.

Do you suppose he's also Mahdi? The 12th Imam?

It could get interesting... but a fully Beelzebub-powered human such as himself could, I'm sure, handle it all.
 

Self censorship keeps good comrades gulag free.



 

 

That smoke will now mean the choom gang is at it again....


 

Obama’s delegate to the College of Cardinals has arrived in Rome.


 

The people's historians have discovered a hidden history of Democrat Poples
 

If I may ask an out-of-character question here for just a moment, can anyone explain what portraying Obama as Elmer Fudd with a Hitler Mustache has to do with a thread about Obama becoming the next Pope?
 

Comrade Ivan
The Pope's efficacy upon the behavior of the Faithful is on a par with Comrade Fudd. And the mustache is a veiled aspersion upon the character and alleged brief the late Pope Pius XII had for the Reich.
 

Comrades,
The resignation of zee Pope, Joseph "Hitler youth" Ratzinger, is indeed a grave matter!
As he steps down there will be a month long vacancy in the holy seat until a new Pope is elected. Who will shelter pedophiles, deny female priests, denounce homosexuality, oppose stem cell research and protect us from the wrath of the great spaghetti monster in the sky?
 

From our friend Steve Bowers:





 

Dearest, but Fearsome Pinkie

And why the hell should the election of a pope be limited only to a hundred or so old white geezers? This is something that affects the whole world; ergo, everyone should be allowed to vote!
Of course and you are right. After all, we need affirmative action votes. For 2000 years only Catholics have had a say in their church, except for the odd pogram or two. As the German girl said, "We should get to vote for Obama, because it means so much." I was aghast that she would think that Americans should vote too.

After all, I'm a white American male, the most despised group on earth. I know it's my fault. Why should I get to vote against a President who promises to strip me bare and tell me I'm selfish for not liking it? We're told to give until it hurts. Obama will make us give until it hurts and we won't have the moral difficulty of having a say in it. For we are all as you know on the road to serfdom. Which I applaud.

I do not see why the only voters for Pope ought to be the president's main constituencies: Muslims and the Occupy people.

Never forget: the more right you have to make a decision, the less moral right you have to make it.

There is no why here.

Everyone is guilty.
 

Comrades, the Party Catechism tells us there are 3 persons in one (the won) Obama:

1. Obama the Father (not clear if that means Frank Marshall Davis, the guy from Kenya or the guy from Indonesia)

2. Obama the Son (looks like Trayvon Martin)

3. Obama the Holy Ghost (superivses elections in Chicago.)

So we have 3 (count 'em) 3 guys within Obama but he only has one job right now; I'd say our Dear Leader is under-utilized. The only question is whether being Pope is a fit application of his talents.

I'd say yes... about 20% of the world population is Catholic but a large number of these don't listen to what the pope says. Making Obama pope would force them to comply or risk being excommunicated for raaaaacism. Every celebration of the mass would begin with "I won!" We could add the gospel according to Axelrod: "From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs." Hey, how about this... Saint Che!

And think of the other benefits... abortion, instead of being prohibited, would now be mandatory! He could give absolution to Menendez (after Bobby buys a few indulgences, of course.) According to Catholic dogma, the pope is infallible - that would make Pope Obama DOUBLY infallible! He could mandate that every confessional be bugged and have all sins recorded for posterity by Organizing For America... think of how that would help the next Party fundraising cycle. The list goes on and on.... he could change the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here." Michelle could demand church bake sales be replaced with veggie pot luck dinners. Bingo would become taxable. Obama as pope is win-win-win....

Now he only needs one more job to occupy his time... somebody mentioned that Imam gig earlier... is it still open?
 

And free stuff. Don't forget all the free stuff! All those priceless treasures in the Vatican? Those are OUR treasures now!
 

If our Kenyan messiah could somehow find a way to increase federal spending on even more progressive special interests, and obtain the support of even more atheists and agnostics, then maybe our messiah could be elevated to the position of the 80th Papacy by a vote of the people. This would help to ensure our Hawaiian/Indonesian/Kenyan/Chicagoan messiah is properly awarded the Nobel Pope prize.
 

Never mind. Obama thought they said 'Would you like some coke.'

Just another case of hearing what you want to hear. Obama is unusually prone to it.
 

Re-education goulash

Comrades,
The resignation of zee Pope, Joseph "Hitler youth" Ratzinger, is indeed a grave matter!
As he steps down there will be a month long vacancy in the holy seat until a new Pope is elected. Who will shelter pedophiles, deny female priests, denounce homosexuality, oppose stem cell research and protect us from the wrath of the great spaghetti monster in the sky?

His Highness (PBUH) has set precedence by appointing his crony, err, dedicated public servants to important posts during Senate "absences". Surely this power extends to a replacement Pope...And why not His Highness Hisself?
 

Ivan Betinov

If I may ask an out-of-character question here for just a moment, can anyone explain what portraying Obama as Elmer Fudd with a Hitler Mustache has to do with a thread about Obama becoming the next Pope?
Does this help Comrade Brain In Jar?



Obtuse we know.... but isn't that what The Collective is all about?-- Your Rooster*Crossing Collective Fingers and hoping Al Capone agrees*
 

I.M. Craptek

Re-education goulash

Comrades,
The resignation of zee Pope, Joseph "Hitler youth" Ratzinger, is indeed a grave matter!
As he steps down there will be a month long vacancy in the holy seat until a new Pope is elected. Who will shelter pedophiles, deny female priests, denounce homosexuality, oppose stem cell research and protect us from the wrath of the great spaghetti monster in the sky?

His Highness (PBUH) has set precedence by appointing his crony, err, dedicated public servants to important posts during Senate "absences". Surely this power extends to a replacement Pope...And why not His Highness Hisself?

 

Thank you, Red Rooster, for returning the thread to its proper dignity.
 

I looked at the pope's mitre, saw the shape of a shovel. It is a sign.
 

Ivan Betinov

I looked at the pope's mitre, saw the shape of a shovel. It is a sign.

 

 

I hope that thing doesn't break in his maouth, as it would be a chilly day of Barry if the mercury went down.
 

Behold, these are your Dough Boys. Squishy, aren't they?



 

Obamamobile!



 

The Hope Pope - Sorry Mooch, I'm celibate.
 

ThePeoplesComrade

The Hope Pope - Sorry Mooch, I'm celibate.
How can the Hope-Pope claim to be celibate when he is constantly screwing the people?

 

Selective celibacy, Comrade, but you make a good point. I see the Volt needs a charge. At least it didn't blow up, yet.
 

All of you are missing the point. Well, the Pope Rotation bit is sort of like it. But really, every appearance of Lord Obama at a presser or a fund raiser is really a theophany. It's treated as such. And if the media greets his every word with rapt adoration, and if they tell them that they'll be glad to take out any disturbing people, then why would he not really be a god appearing among men?

And we're not talking about some of those limited Graeco-Roman gods; they had human characteristics. Lord O is a God's God. Mr. Koschei. He is not limited by time, as the rest of the world is. His time is the time of quantum gravity. His mind is inside the Event Horizon.

So he can do it all. At the same time. Quantum theory states that we can't know where something is and its energy at the same time and that things can be several places at the same time.

This means that Lord O invigorates all of us. He is inside us every moment, all of us, informing us, telling us, making us realize our potential to either refuse to work and become true slaves without collars, or get in the boot whenever we can, while stealing all we can and blaming the victim.

It in fact a heresy to state that Lord O could NOT do all of the jobs in the universe, all the time, at any time, when the dinosaurs ruled, to the time that America will be the laughing stock of a group of well turned-out nomenclatura feeding the masses who are now past hoping for change, as they hope for their Soylent Green.
 

I must say, Father Theocritus, your unqualified praise of His Majesty's abilities is inspiring to comrades everywhere. Pass the Soylent...
 

Comrade Father Theo - is it too late to rename the Higgs-Boson?
 

ROCK, there is a slight problem of nomenclature. We're not to nomenclatura yet; wait for it.

I have been channeling Lysenko and I have come up with a theory that is all mine. The universe is not described by string theory; there is not a multiverse. There are no branes. There is no latticework holding the electromagnetic energy of the electrons to keep the universe from blowing up.

There is no dark matter. There is no dark energy.

There is only the Great God Bozo. He who rules the universe. This has been misrepresented as the Higgs Boson, it is really the fundamental particle/wave/latticework of the universe. It inspires and invigorates everything.

It is the God Particle. The Bozon. The reason that we so love Lord O is that he is the earthly representative of the Great God Bozon.


One night in Indonesia, there was an appearance to Barry Sotelo, a true theophany, by the Great God Bozon.

"Barry," he asked, fluffing his red hair, "do you know who I am?"

"Y-y-y-yes, sir. You are my Lord. You are the Great God Bozon!"

"Yes, Barry, and don't you forget it. That's a Bozon Non Non." You can tell that the Great God Bozon is French.

"Why are you here, lord? I'm just here, doing what I always do. Trying to figure out just how much I hate America because it doesn't recognize the wonderfulness of me."

"Because, Barry, you are uniquely positioned. The United States of America will be, in twenty years, populated mostly by my subjects. The bozos. I am king of the bozos, you know. Those of us who spend our time pleasing ourselves, living in the moment, and blaming others for what we did. And being mean just for fun. Oh, and it goes without saying working as little as possible except working a system.

"This has not happened yet, Barry, but it must. We cannot have a serious nation which has been a force for good. We are not serious, Barry. We are everywhere all the time."And this is where you come in. Barry, will you be my Butch of the Day? Butch of the Ten Thousand Days? Barry, will you lead the United States to the position of class envy, exploitation based entirely on politics, theft by government, destruction of private property, and de-facto censorship? I mean, you clean up good, or will when you tame that bush on your head, and I think you're up for the job."

"Yes, Lord Bozon, I will be proud to."

"Good. Then I shall see to it. You will get a law degree and be a professor of constitutional law."

"But I hate the Constitution!"

"No matter. You have to understand it. Do you think that an oncologist pulls up his dashiki and runs shrieking 'Tumor! Tumor! Tumor!" like a little girl every time that he sees a crab-shaped mole? No, he doesn't. So tough it out. Sabotage it from the inside. You think that America could have won WWII if we hadn't had sabotage inside the lines?

"Damn I'm sorry Hitler didn't win. A strong man like that, or like Franco, or Mao, or Pol Pot, or Kim Dong Ugh--you'll see that short little shit in a few years; right now he's he's eating his own shit--does half the work for you. Enough pressure can make a bozo out of anyone. If he won't be a bozo on his own, in the future you'll be able to send him to something which shall arise: Jiffy-Lobo™. You'll learn all about it.

"You'll be introduced into politics by Bill Ayers, who is right now building a bomb to kill people and the bomb will malfunction and murder three of his friends. The government will botch the case and he'll walk. He and his wife will bring you into politics. Where you will learn to do massive voter fraud and intimidation, uh, that's community organizing for future reference, and then, then, the finale."

Barry was breathless. "What is that, O Great Lord?"

"You will be elected President of the United States. Twice. You will be in alliance with the media, who will ignore or explain away whatever you do; will laud your most vicious power grabs and ignore the signs of what you will do. The bozos in America will be fat and happy on the tit--which you will wring out of other people--and so they'll do what you want, with no thought past the next government check day.

"You will be able to persecute the honest, disarm the honorable, penalize success, steal people's life savings, destroy their health care, sue states which try to enforce their borders, and in general be a real, broad-spectrum general America-hating rat bastard.

"And they'll love you for it. Because you'll be cool."

"Lord! This is more than I could have hoped for."

"Well, that's pretty good, Barry, but there is one catch. You have to marry Michelle Johnson."

"Huh?"

"You'll see. Xanthippe is reincarnated in her and I promise you she won't be pleased that you're no Socrates, Barry. Because you're just a cute boy it don't mean you don't<i>pètes plus haut que ton cul."
 

Flash! I just got the emergency signal in the sky. Like the Bat Signal from Commissioner Gordon. This one is for Bruno, and it's of a hat with a pineapple and bananas in it. He wants Bruno at the White House, and I'm sure that it's because only Bruno has the required skill to do the proper tonsorial arts for the hair inside Lord O's nose. Since the entire world spends its time looking up it, the hairs ought to be property groomed.
 

Father Prog, that was the most eloquent thing I have read in quite some time.
 

BIJ, I simply will NOT have our Fearless Leader improperly barbered. Any more than I will have our Many Titted Empress's steatopygian aspect be remarked on. I use that word because the RethugliKKKans won't know what it means; they're busy stealing a blind man's pencils.

This means that the world must see Him, PBUH, at his very best. Nothing is as elevated or as elevating as the way he holds his head and we look up his beezer. So the hairs must be fine.

We shall not worry about the hairs in his ears. The last time Bruno was at the White House, he started on that and shrieked, "Theocritus! It's lit from the back!"
 

Father Prog;
Let me be among the first to congratulate you on your Nobel Prize in Physics 2013!




 

Father Prog Theocritus

..... steatopygian aspect be remarked on. I use that word because the RethugliKKKans won't know what it means; they're busy stealing a blind man's pencils.
Inglorious Basterds!

Carry On Comrades To The Glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday!

(we are already there...opps....)
 

Most Ample...





 

Black smoke? That is a racist way to announce that President Obama is our new Pope.