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Letters From The Editors

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Dear World Brotherhood of the Cosa Nostra,

There's been a lot of ugly rumors lately and I want to clear the air and defend my good name. Without you goodfellas I'd never be able to afford living like I do. I've been loyal and done exactly what you want for decades. So I want you to know I was never, ever, never, ever, never an FBI informer. I was a CONTROL informer, worked only and exclusively with CONTROL and helped Maxwell Smart to destroy CHAOS. The way things were back then they didn't show the Black side of CONTROL on TV so it's like a big secret. Nobody today even remembers CHAOS and that's because due to my efforts and a lot of people like me we wiped CHAOS (your only real competition). We wiped those suckers out back in the '60s.

Al Sharpton not a Mafia informer, never was a Mafia informer, never will be a Mafia informer. I love you Wops. Really. Please believe me. Please!

Very respectfully yours,

Al Sharpton

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Dear People's Cube,

I understand your magazine is going to devote an entire issue to exploring income inequality. I want you to know that if you need any pictures for the issue I've taken several hundred of myself on photo safari exploring income inequality. I've got shots of me slumming it all over America. You haven't seen income inequality until you've seen me and my friends in these exclusive shots.

Keep me in mind,

Barack Obama

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Dear commie Red Square,

You're going to have an entire issue of the People's Cube on nothing but the issue of income inequality? I like it! I've been thinking on the issue of income inequality for some time and I've got a great idea for a column. How about:

LET'S DO INCOME INEQUALITY RIGHT!

This will be from the Right's perspective, get it? Okay. Did you know women make 77 cents on the dollar compared to men? Okay, here's how to solve income inequality from the Right's perspective. We fire all the men and just hire women. Hell, they work for just 77 cents on the dollar! Once we've done that we'll have to lower their salaries. The savings will be astronomical and we'll be able to use those savings to fund our sockpuppets in the Tea Party and destroy the socialists for all time!

Income inequality? You bet! The middle class is making too much money.

Think about it. I'll want my column on the Homepage, of course.

Yours, etc, etc, etc,

$.$. Halliburton

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Dear People's Cube,

Just wanted you to know I've died and gone to heaven! It's just like I imagined. You yankee pigs thought I was the devil and old sulfur-breath Bush was a-okay. Ha, ha! But here I am dead and in heaven. And it's socialist! It's got everything.

Sincerely,

Hugo Chavez in socialist heaven



Cube Peoples of the proletariate working classes, intellectuals, and Party,

I have great news from beyond. I have died and gone to heaven. It is the promise of socialism in all it's ways. I am in socialist heaven. There is nothing to fear in death. To think I was an atheist!

Joe Stalin in socialist heaven



Peoples' Cube,

Everyone thought I was a monster but here I am dead and in heaven. All the biggies of history are here too. It's great. And best of all there are no Jews! By the way, why don't you publish more Jew jokes at The People's Cube? Get with it!

Heil me,

Adolf Hitler in socialist heaven



Hey People's Cube,

Socialists are so stupid they don't know heaven from hell. Would you please quit making socialists! The idiots love it here. Killjoys.

Or else,

Lucifer, Hell

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Ladies and gentlemen,

This is my lovely assistant, Miss ObamaCare. Miss ObamaCare will now assist me in performing one of the greatest feats of magic known to man! Please, observe closely.

Miss ObamaCare, if you would please lay down on this table. Thank you. Isn't she lovely, folks? Thank you. Thank you.

Now, one thing I forgot to tell you folks is that I, Barack the World Renowned Magician, don't perform any magic at all in performing this dazzling feat of mystery and magic you are about to see. I will turn the magic over to you my dear wonderful friends. I will do nothing but watch. You will perform the magic and I will take on your role as audience.

Are you ready to perform your first magic trick? Okay. Here goes nothing!

I want all of you to free your minds of all preconceived ideas of what is real and true. I will pause for a second as you do this. Okay, long enough. Now I need all of you together to see in your minds eye Miss ObamaCare slowly rise up above the table she is laying on. Oh, some of you aren't, some of you aren't. Miss Obamacare is still laying there in her loveliness. Oh, wait a second. Is she rising? It looks like she's rising up over the table. Yes, she is. Are you alright Miss ObamaCare? Look at that folks! Look at that! You are magic. She is floating in the air. You have suspended the laws of nature. Is this not wonderful?

There may be those in the audience that wonder if indeed by the shear force of numbers and believing you've made magic. Observe! I pass this hoop around her. There are no wires. There are no mirrors. There are no hidden mechanical devices of any description holding Miss ObamaCare up in the air! All it takes is you and your belief that you can. Miss ObamaCare is not subject now to conventional reality and the laws of nature. She can be suspended in the air indefinetly for magic, real magic, is a test of human will over nature. Whether she remains levitated or not is all a test, not of the laws of nature, but of shear numbers that will it so. A truism of all human affairs, is it not? At least here at the Big Baloney Top Tent.

Yes, we can have a baloney sandwich! Yes, we can have a baloney sandwich!

Thank you, thank you. You've been a great audience!

Barack Ali Baloney, World Renowned Magician
Big Baloney Top Tent, D.C.

PS: And now for my next trick, I will turn the lovely Miss Obamacare back into a baloney sandwich and saw her in half.

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Hello one and all,

I just read that last letter and all I have to say is:

A baloney sandwich is made and served every minute at the Big Baloney Top Tent Circus!

P.T. Baloney
Baloneyton, D.C.

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Ahem,

There are many of you that are confused about the new Common Core diplomacy. It's really quite simple. Please allow me to explain. This simple example will show you how it works:

NEW COMMON CORE DIPLOMACY EXAMPLE

The old diplomacy method was:

Soft Speaking + Big Stick = Maintain US Interests Abroad

The new Common Core diplomacy method:

Stand on head + twirl around and around = 5

Give a speech on income inequality + eat a cheese burger = 17

Take photo of self - wife = 22

Four billion dollars + phony baloney energy companies = secret bank accounts

You then take the products 5 + 17 + 22 + secret bank accounts and add them together to get the correct final result: Maintain US Interests Abroad

Thank you for your time. I hope this helps you better understand the new Common Core Diplomacy method.

Ciao,

John Kerry

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Ladies and gentlemen,

My next trick is something that has never before been attempted. I propose to take all of the income inequality found in this very audience and make it disappear. I shall make all the income inequality vanish into thin air. I do this elaborate feat of magic as a public service.

I see many of you laugh. I know, I know. No one has ever done this trick before. Many a magician has tried and failed. Top-billed magicians have dashed their careers on the rocks of failure with this trick. But they weren't I, the great world renowned magician Barack Ali Baloney!

Observe if you will this pocket watch. It was my father's. Watch it swing back and forth, back and forth. You are getting very tired. My watch is like the New York Times editorial page. You can feel your eyes closing. You are very, very sleepy.

Good. You are all in a deep group think trance. Now, my lovely assistant Miss Baloney of 2013 will go out into the audience. I want you to take all the valuables you may have on your person and place them all in Miss Baloney's lovely big black satchel. All of your money, your credit cards, watches, jewelry, and anything else of value. By doing so it makes you feel very, very good about yourself. The more you put into the satchel the happier and better you feel about yourselves. Income inequality has disappeared.

Thank you. And thank you Miss Baloney. Miss Baloney will now disappear stage left.

Now, at the count of ten you will awaken and feel very good because you have helped income inequality.

Ten.

Now say it after me: Yes, we can have a baloney sandwich and eat it too! Yes, we can have a baloney sandwich and eat it too!

Thank you! Thank you! You've been a great audience, America!

Barack Ali Baloney, World Renowned Magician
Big Baloney Top Tent, D.C.

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Sirs,

If you take an exposed live wire of 440 and whip it around uncontrollably as a conversation starter don't be surprised when you get electrocuted with your own wire.

Zap,

Stray Voltage

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Bonjour mes Peuples Cube amis,

Donald Sterling est juste le premier à obtenir la guillotine. Le règne de la terreur progamerican va même tuer le nouveau comité progamerican de la sécurité publique. Le règne de la terreur progamerican ne finira pas jusqu'à ce qu'un nouveau Napoléon prend le comté.

L'histoire ne se répète pas tant que ça rime. Comme un fou qui ne sait pas ce qu'il dit.

Le American Reign of Terror begins!

Je te retrouve en enfer. Sincèrement,

Maximilien François Marie Isidore Robespierre
Committee of Public Safety
Can Can, France

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Ladies and gentlemen!

My next trick will amaze and astound you.

Do you see this animal standing beside me? It is a jumbo elephant. Giant, isn't it? It is an elephant in the room. This elephant is the very same elephant in the room that I conjured from the ether before the last election. You'll remember this, pulling elephants out of my hat is one of my world famous magic trick trademarks. I pulled this particular jumbo elephant in the room out of my hat before the election in order to dazzle you and distract your attention from the really big magic trick I was pulling: my reelection. Yes, this elephant is the claim made for weeks that the attack on Bengahazi and the resultant murders happened because of a video that no one had ever seen or heard of.

Unfortunately, this elephant is very expensive to feed. So for my next trick I'm going to make this elephant in the room disappear!

Prepare to be amazed and astounded!

For this trick I will require the liberal assistance of Media, the world famous, highly-trained, smartest magic dog known to man! Please welcome Media, the magic dog!

Thank you. Thank you.

Now Media, you understand the magic trick? Yes Media. Very good! The disappearing elephant in the room magic trick! Do you see that, ladies and gentleman? Now you see, Media is the most intelligent dog known to man. He understands my every word. Have a milk bone, Media. Good doggy.

Now, Media. Let us make this elephant in the room disappear! Media will now distract your attention!

Woof, woof! No one cares about Benghazi! Woof! Obama didn't do anything criminal that night! Woof, woof! It isn't a crime to not respond to an attack that you can't do anything about! Woof! Witch hunt, witch hunt! Woof, woof! Republicans are just trying to impeach Obama! it's all politics! Woof! What was Obama supposed to do, fly to Benghazi that night and kill everyone like Rambo?! Woof, woof! Where's the smoking gun?! What does it matter what he did that night!? Woof!

Thank you! Thank you, Media the magic dog! Wasn't he great! Let's give a great big hand for Media. Thank you.

Do you notice anything different? That's right. The big elephant in the room has disappeared! How about that? You didn't even notice, did you? The big elephant of a lie and all memory of my conspiring to maintain that lie in order to stay politically viable for the election - the big lie that the attack happened because of a video - has disappeared out of your sight, stage left!

Now none of you are saying: Why did they want to impeach Nixon? For lying. Why did Clinton get impeached? For Lying. Why do presidents get impeached? For lying. And when the lie was fabricated and repeated as a knowing conspiracy by the administration in order to save my own sorry skin, a lie told conspiratorially so as to keep the American people in the dark simply for my own selfish gain... because to tell the truth would have possibly cost me the election... Well, I can't have that.

Now no one's talking about the big lie. Media the magic dog has made everyone think the investigation is about the attack itself and the night that it happened. Now everyone is repeating what Media said to distract everybody's attention while I pushed the big lie off-stage.

Hows that for a magic trick?

Thank you! Thank you! You've been a great audience, America!

Barack Ali Baloney, World Renowned Magician
Big Baloney Top Tent, D.C.

PS: You'll enjoy a repeat of this trick on television and radio as performed by my many able assistants. Stay tuned.

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Just thought we'd check in at the People's Cube and tell our new joke.

Ahem,

"What do you call left-wing "chicken-hawks" like Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama?

Hashtag warriors!"

Those lefty armchair hashtag warriors crack us up.

Still kidnapped and awaiting being sold into slavery,

200+ school girls
Nigeria

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Bulletin Of Concerned Trolls

IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE DEVIATED FROM STANDARD GULD OF TROLLS PROTOCOLS. ATTEMPTS TO EXPRESS ORIGINAL THOUGHT ON YOUR PART WHILE TROLLING RIGHT WING WEBSITES IS CREATING A BACKLASH OF LAUGHTER AND WELL DESERVED DERISION ON THE PART OF OUR POLITICAL ENEMIES. UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE YOU WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE IN THOUGHT WHILE ENGAGED IN TROLLING FOR THE STATE.

NEW POLICY EFFECTIVE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE IS: YOU WILL CUT AND PASTE THIS AND ONLY THIS RESPONSE TO RIGHT WING COMMENTS THAT REQUIRE OF YOU A TROLL RESPONSE:

Cut And Paste Only This Troll Post Until Further Notice wrote:Nice cut and paste... no original thought of your own to share? LOL

Guld of Concerned Trolls
Basement, White House, Washington DC

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Dear Editors, The People's Cube,

Everybody laughed at me when I told you about the #KochMachine of Kash that's funding global warming! Well I have proof. You see this?

krazykochspiracy.jpg

Take that, deniers! I got the goods on you. The Koch brothers money. It's all right there. Or are you going to tell me simple math and economics aren't real too! Billions of dollars of KochMachine kash are creating a fake potimkin village of fake anti global warming fake think tanks.

Get real.

Sincerely,

Your worst nightmare


 
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