University of Alabama new mascot: the Donkey

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Tuscaloosa, AL - President Obama's use of his phone and pen to sign an order that the University of Alabama replace its racist elephant with a donkey caused a predictable outcry from some extremist obstructionist Republicans, including partisan and ungrounded accusations of abuses of power by the executive branch.

According to President Obama, "University of Alabama lost their privilege when they did not share their football trophies with the less fortunate colleges and universities," he stated. "Besides, some folks at the university thought they could get away with putting a Republican elephant next to a word that has 'bama' in it. That was a distasteful and disrespectful attack against me. And I want Americans to realize that personal attacks against me will not be tolerated. It's not who we are."

President of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA), Mark Emmert, supported President Obama's decision, saying, "This is the most generous thing the president has done for the NCAA. He supports the new rules of satellite camps and will not punish my alma mater teams."

University of Alabama students became divided on the issue, with the best and the most progressive part of the student body organizing spontaneous marches in support of President Obama and his ruling.

"Elephants are a symbol of oppression and Alabama has won too many trophies for their own good. The mascot change is progressive, and I hope Alabama will learn to share a bit more," said Melissa Click, former communications professor at the University of Missouri, who joined the march as a volunteer legal observer.

"Finally, there is someone else important that agrees with me,” added local sophomore Colin Cowherd, whom Ms. Click trusted to carry her purse.

Some other students, whose identities have yet to be established, defied the president's executive power and became unruly, endangering safety of other students by writing explicit threats, such as, "Trump 2016" in chalk on the campus pavement.

The mayhem was exacerbated by a local hate group who showed up on campus dressed up in Civil War uniforms. The hate group consisted of three drunken Tuscaloosa residents who appeared to be bitterly clinging to their 1860s muskets in violation of the school's gun-free policy, while chanting, "Even if we are called asses, Alabama will still be number one. Roll Tide roll!" The armed intruders were quickly subdued by campus security, as student activists confiscated the hate group's Confederate battle flag and put it on fire.

EDSBS reporters have not yet commented on this situation, although there's little doubt they fully support the President's choice of a new mascot.