Dancing with the Czars: Obama's New State-Run Show

[Father Prog Theocritus]

I think that we should nominate Slick Willie and Jeremiah Wright <i>both</i> as being the Czar of Hope. And watch the fun as they both struggle for the limelight. My only question is if we ought to frisk them for knives first.

[Dr. Strangelove]

I think a knife would be the least of your worries with regards to what you might find when frisking Slick Willie.

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Once some years ago a friend and I were wondering what to do if we had a gun with one bullet and there were two objectionable people. C said, "I'd shoot S and put the gun in E's hand."

I merely want a cage match between Wright and Bill. With Sharpton to referee. And I get to dispose of the winner.

[Dr. Strangelove]

That kinda reminds me of this joke:

From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this though. Despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Or we could just fit everyone with implants that zap you every time you say something uncivil:

MAN: "Whew! Now wasn't that the best ever, baby?"

WOMAN: "If you must know, it was--AAGGH! OHHH! AAAGH! Oh my--YOWWW!"

MAN: "Wow! You're way over on the other side of the bed having another orgasm and I'm not even touching you. Damn, I'm good! Ain't I, babe?"

WOMAN: "AAGH!! I can't take anymore--AAGGH!"

MAN: "You just fell off the bed to the floor and you're still having an orgasm? You know what? I think you've been faking it all this--YOWW!"

Yes, I think this idea is just crazy enough to work.

The Jiffi-Lobo Implant:™ Now, after just a few zaps in the noggin, you can have that fresh Jiffi-Lobo(TM) lack of feeling with you all the time! You're guaranteed that you won't even care that you're drooling on yourself, or your money back!

[Dr. Strangelove]

But never fear, Needs™ Czar is here!

The problem with healthcare today is that every individual owns his own individual organism. This nuisance can be quickly and inexpensively resolved with collective ownership of all human organisms by the state. Think of the pool of spare parts this opens for redistribution to each according to his Needs™!

This, of course, necessitates the ban of alcohol, tobacco, and trans-fats to keep the pool clean from contamination as we await the coming ProgWorld™ of Next Tuesday.

<table width="350" height="78" border="0" cellpadding="20" cellspacing="0" class="BgndIvory"><tr><td align="center" class="maintitle">YOU OWE ME YOUR KIDNEY</table>

[Father Prog Theocritus]

In high school I read a science-fiction novel, by I think Jack Vance, which took place on another planet. Everyone had a collar and it was coded by colors, which they used instead of an alphabet. I can see now that straight men would be handicapped in this--"Was that blue or aqua?" And I'm not sneering. It just is.

There were people in the crowd who were anonymous and who had boxes which they could use to "take someone's head." If someone was not sufficiently prog, then his collar would explode.

I like that. It would cut down on the trips to Jiffi-Lobo for people who are recidivist.

[DDR Kamerad]

Woohoo! I contributed to the Greater Good! Do I get a medal for valiancy in class warfare? I will happily offer one of the coins I received from wealth-spread to re-strike as such.

Ach, Mitgenosse...the obligatorische deevaluation of currency means you must have a 55-gallon drum of these to make a noticeable contribution! It would require taking four peasants off the beet fields to haul it over to the local Commissariat!

But my snazzy new People's Currency means you only need a really big wheelbarrow!

[DDR Kamerad]

I hereby appoint Comrade Theocritus as Czar of Rims.

I hereby appoint Comrade Pieck as the Czar of Puns.

I hereby appoint Comrade Strangelove as the Czar of Induced Multiple Orgasms.

[Genosse Pieck]

Genosse Kamerad!

Freude, schoener Goetterfunken! Now I can say that I did not intend anything! Prog-thought is so liberating.

I wanted to provide the de-valuta'ed 10 Mark coin to restrike it as a medal. Aluminum is very flexible.

What is with the funny hats on German bank notes? I think yours was snazzier.

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Funny hats? It seems that everyone in Europe wants to be French--with a French beret.

[Genosse Pieck]

Comrade Theocritus,

this is not a beret. It's a medieval Laika receptor made of wool, before the invention of aluminum foil.

prog off...

I miss the (D) Mark... sniff...

[Commissar Obamissar V]

Me too, Comerade Pieck. This Euro crap is killing me!

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Comrades! How dare you question the successful imposition of a huge, unaccountable bureaucracy in Europe and a unified currency? This is treasonous. It is the <i>obligation</i> of the Germans, with their strong currency, to help along say the Spanish. And do not question the wisdom of Brussels. For some while Ireland has been a magnet for businesses because of its low income-tax rate. Brussels wants to "harmonise" the tax rates to make sure that everyone has a huge dirigiste tax rate.

It's the Prog Way.

[DDR Kamerad]

Comrade Pieck--we must conserve aluminum to make foil hats! Therefore, paper makes a much better currency.

And you can burn your wheelbarrow full of cash to keep warm!

[DDR Kamerad]

I hereby appoint Commissar Obammisar Vodkavich as Czar over Euro Crap.

[DDR Kamerad]

I hereby appoint Comrade Laika as Czar of Fire Hydrants and Other Public Pissoirs.

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Yes, we must conserve aluminum for the foil hats. But why use paper for currency? We should do what the Golgafrinchans do: use leaves as currency.

Oh. I live in the desert without any forests for leaves. This is grossly unfair.

[Colonel 7.62]

Yes Commissar, but we can also do as the Golgafrinchans did and burn the forests to prevent inflation.

However before we do that, I will dispatch a very large load of compressed leaves to you from the forests around Olympia.

Would you like a hundred pounds of fir needles as well to make small change with?

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Thank you, 7.62, for the leaves. But I don't need the fir needles. I have greasewood leaves for that. Ah, the smell of creosote. Sometimes I can't tell if it's the impaling stakes or the shrubbery.

[Dr. Strangelove]

I have greasewood leaves for that. Ah, the smell of creosote. Sometimes I can't tell if it's the impaling stakes or the shrubbery.

Oh, you just had to go and say "shrubbery" again, didn't you!

You know, I didn't like the smell of creosote when I first moved to Tucson when I was 5, but the smell of greasewood grows on one over time. Now, I love and miss the smell of Larrea tridentata after a summer thunderstorm.

BTW, I'll be leaving Dear Leader and the Korean Peninsula in the beginning of August. I'm moving to Ohio to manage a few projects in a DoD lab.


I have finally infiltrated the military industrial complex, comrades. Now I can undermine it from within for The Common Good!™

[Red Square]

I hereby recommend Dr. Strangelove for the title of Czar of DoD and Loving the Bomb

and while I'm at it...

I hereby recommend Marshal Pupovich for the title of Czar of Fire Hydrants

[Genosse Pieck]

Comrade Pieck--we must conserve aluminum to make foil hats! Therefore, paper makes a much better currency.

And you can burn your wheelbarrow full of cash to keep warm!

O glorious hyperinflation! Amerika's day has come at last, too!

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Dr., let's by all means keep in touch. I have great interest in some DoD projects. In particular I want a rail gun. That's right, a rail gun. There are a few people who complain, and I can't think why, about the noise of Disco Night at the Rancho de Rio Grande.

And what about that 747 with the chemical laser for shooting down ballistic missiles? That would be really cool.

This is of course so I can understand them and prevent their ever being used when a Nansky's humongous plane flies over.

[Red Square]

[Dr. Strangelove]

Too late, Red. We're going to have a Salad and Exercise Czar too, and Comrade Vlad will be ripping his eyeballs out and visiting Jiffi-Lobo(TM) a little more often:

<embed type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='https://foxnews1.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mm ... bedded.swf' id='mediumFlashEmbedded' pluginspage='https://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer' bgcolor='#000000' allowScriptAccess='always' allowFullScreen='true' quality='high' name='undefined' play='false' scale='noscale' menu='false' salign='LT' scriptAccess='always' wmode='false' height='275' width='305' flashvars='playerId=011008&playerTemplateId=fncLargePlayer&categoryTitle=&referralObject=6100463&referralPlaylistId=playlist'>

Theo, I can see how a rail gun and 747 with laser might come in handy for dealing with those talent-shitting birds that Pupovich never, no never, sent to bomb el Rancho.

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Dr., the rail gun would definitely help with the talent-shitting pigeons but I think its first usage would be Richard Simmons. That interview wore off the good buzz from his <i>Whose Line Is It Anyway?</i> performance. I knew it was just time.

Has the DoD ever thought of weaponizing the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits? The real Jimmy Carter president nearly did in America; surely there's got to be something that Jimmy Carter is good for... I've been waiting 29 years to find out what but so far nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Has the DoD ever thought of weaponizing the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits? The real Jimmy Carter president nearly did in America; surely there's got to be something that Jimmy Carter is good for... I've been waiting 29 years to find out what but so far nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jimmy Carter is good for nothing?! NOTHING?! Au contraire, Comrade. Jimmy Carter is good for:

1. Spreading Social Justice(TM)
2. Mollycoddling terrorists
3. Denouncing Israel
4. Destroying capitalism
5. Saying "Nuclar"
6. Skyrocketing inflation
7. Rising gas prices
8. High interest rates
9. Promoting The Common Good(TM)
10. Winning Nobel Peace Prizes

I'm sure we can all come up with many more things that Jimmy Carter has in common with Yasser Arafat!

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Dr. I'm sorry. I had a mental slip. I was thinking the way that I used to before I saw the Red Light. That soul-cleansing light which led me to the higher reaches of Progism and Socialism so distribute justice and caring-n-compassion, and the odd impaling, to all who fall under my beneficent gaze.

And it lets me be so full of myself too--like any other good little Prog.

It was just a fugue going back into time. I promise it won't happen again.

[Superkommissar Maksim]

Obama mentions Dancing With The Czars!
at 5:30 min




the bastard is stealing my jokes.

[Dr. Strangelove]

And yet another example of life imitating The People's Cube!™

[Father Prog Theocritus]

My god that bastard is full of himself--giggling over jokes that someone else wrote. And all this media presence. Damn it, Barry. You're the freaking president now. Act like it. You're worse than Slick Willie.

A wise friend of mine months ago said she thought he was a front. My brother, who has the best bullshit detector I know, sees no sign of intelligence. There is good reason to believe that <a>Bill Ayers wrote at least his first book</a>. Evidently the Europeans are starting to realize that he's nothing more than a self-regarding puff-bag.

[Fifth Column]

I finally understand Dave Bowman's quote from the movie 2010:

"My God! It's full of czars!"

[Father Prog Theocritus]

And at the end is the Star Child. The Rock-star President Child.

[niHil]

Who will be Election Oversight Czar? The People's Democratic Minnesota almost failed to overturn the Senatorial Election. It was a close call, but through ballot fraud, The Party prevailed for the greater good.

[Father Prog Theocritus]

Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what you can do to defraud your country.

[Red Square]

Navigator suggests:

Door Jigging Czar

Obama appoints Door Jigging Czar to ensure black men across America will feel free to jiggle doors without racial pressure being brought to bear.