Gun Control Bill Inadvertently Endangers Publishing Industry

[Opiate of the People]

In a rare bit of legislative overreach caused by the urgency to promote the Common Good™, a bill against assault weapons has also been found to harm the publishing industry.

The People's Gun Rights Protection Act, sponsored by State Sen. Claire Lee Oveur-Reakting (D-Blue State) was an attempt to circumvent NRA lobbying against fewer murders by allowing guns to remain legal while limiting their potential damage.

As a result, instead of banning "assault weapons," it outlawed "high capacity magazines," defined in Section 103.b of the act as "any which contain more than zero bullets." It was hoped this common-sense compromise would please all sides.

Due to an error in drafting, however, the bill contained this language: "banning all magazines with zero or more bullets, no exceptions, so shut up." In keeping with the modern legislative practice of voting on bills without reading them, the bill was enacted into law as written.

The discrepancy was not caught until last week, when a State Superior Court intern, in search of something to read while in the public restroom, picked up a copy of the bill and perused it. He immediately awakened the justices who, after intense discussions and a few more drinks, issued an injunction against the further publication of TV Guide, Sports Illustrated, and all other magazines.

Tackling the issue of whether the ban violated the right to free speech, legal scholars agreed that it did not.

"It's not a big deal," said Crass Sunstroke of Haavad University. "This law doesn't prohibit anyone from saying something, just from writing it down on paper and selling it. If this bill saves one life, it's a small price to pay, don't you think?"

Professor Laurence Tribesman, also of Haavad, noted that the state has the right to control dangerous substances like drugs and magazines. "Looky here, this month's Playboy... If somebody my age stared at that for too long, they'd forget to take their meds and all of a sudden... POOF!"

If the magazine ban is not revised, it is expected to cost thousands of jobs in the publishing industry. Surprisingly enough, industry executives are not worried.

"We were about to lay off all our employees due to ObamaCare and move production to Asia," stated one publishing honcho on his way to catch a plane to Shanghai. "This bill actually gives us a legitimate excuse. Our advocacy of gun control is beginning to pay off. I'll re-iterate this in my magazine as soon as we set up shop in China."

[R.O.C.K. in the USSA]

Comrade, I assume that this ban includes the dreaded High Capacity Magazine Clip?

[Captain Craptek]

So all we'll have to read while waiting in line for Obama Care at the doctor's office are the 20,000 pages of regulations? And does this mean I have to turn in my Playboy collection or Mechanics Illustrated??!!! How about my Jane's Fighting Ships? This sucks.

[Lyman DeKoquonut]

I am tired of hearing people talk about "clips" when they are, almost always, "magazines".

You would think people would educate themselves if they were going to go public with their comments about the bullet holder parts of shooty thingies.

[Comrade Putout]

Comrade, I assume that this ban includes the dreaded Highly Unlikely Capacity Magazine Clip?

[Ivan the Stakhanovets]

ROCK, who gets the copy of INKED when you're done with it?

[R.O.C.K. in the USSA]

I have three copies of that issue, Comrade - I'll send you one when I, uh, get back :)

Comrade Putout, I must say that you do look fetching in Inked! Of course, I only buy it for the articles.

[Comrade Pistov]

So True Comrade Putout. Inside the Red Border, there is no TIME. But then my idea of a high capacity magazine is The Absolute Sound.