Holiday update: joy now available by appointment

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In a sign of seasonal progress, an NPR listeners survey has confirmed that joy reaches its highest, safest, and most equitable form only when it is pre-approved by experts - while spontaneous merriment remains a leading cause of misinformation, microaggressions, and unsanctioned cheer.

In the same winter-holiday spirit, Portland city council has reclassified mistletoe as an "opt-in shrub," recommending a non-contact gratitude nod instead. The nod should be held for two seconds - three for anyone with oppressed-holiday status - while maintaining a respectful distance and avoiding "weaponized eye contact."

Bringing tradition into compliance with DEI standards, Berkeley's equity board has replaced "silent night" with "consent-first night," explaining that silence can be coercive when not properly facilitated. Carols will now begin with a brief boundary check, followed by a group affirmation that no one is required to feel holly, jolly, or even mildly winter-adjacent. For jingle-bell lovers, Berkeley provides free "don't-touch-me" bells to ensure the season stays festive, but not in a way that could be interpreted as festive.

Not to be out-shamed, HR departments nationwide are replacing mistletoe with a QR code linking to a consent checklist and grievance hotline. Participants may request a kiss in writing, receive an automated denial within 3–5 business days, and then attend a restorative debrief to process the power dynamics of wanting things.

Holiday parties are also being updated for maximum inclusion. Gifts must be identical to avoid outcome disparities, and the eggnog comes with a warning label for "unexpected joy." Employees are encouraged to submit their preferred holiday greeting in advance so the company can select the safest option, likely: "We acknowledge this season is complex."

For government employees, Advent is the season of waiting for your Joy Authorization Number, pending review by a multidisciplinary panel. If approved, you may experience one (1) unit of seasonal uplift between 2:00 and 2:15 p.m., provided it is non-transferable, carbon-neutral, and does not imply religious certainty. If the paperwork doesn't come through, don't worry: experts assure us the absence of joy is actually a sign of progress.

Progressive thought leaders stress that none of this is meant to cancel Christmas. It's simply an effort to make the holiday more equitable by removing the dangerous element of unsupervised happiness. In fact, joy remains fully authorized - and even encouraged - while agitating for a Democratic candidate named Kamala in future elections.