Holiday update: joy now available by appointment

[Red Square]

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In a sign of seasonal progress, an NPR listeners survey has confirmed that joy reaches its highest, safest, and most equitable form only when it is pre-approved by experts - while spontaneous merriment remains a leading cause of misinformation, microaggressions, and unsanctioned cheer.

In the same winter-holiday spirit, Portland city council has reclassified mistletoe as an "opt-in shrub," recommending a non-contact gratitude nod instead. The nod should be held for two seconds - three for anyone with oppressed-holiday status - while maintaining a respectful distance and avoiding "weaponized eye contact."

Bringing tradition into compliance with DEI standards, Berkeley's equity board has replaced "silent night" with "consent-first night," explaining that silence can be coercive when not properly facilitated. Carols will now begin with a brief boundary check, followed by a group affirmation that no one is required to feel holly, jolly, or even mildly winter-adjacent. For jingle-bell lovers, Berkeley provides free "don't-touch-me" bells to ensure the season stays festive, but not in a way that could be interpreted as festive.

Not to be out-shamed, HR departments nationwide are replacing mistletoe with a QR code linking to a consent checklist and grievance hotline. Participants may request a kiss in writing, receive an automated denial within 3–5 business days, and then attend a restorative debrief to process the power dynamics of wanting things.

Holiday parties are also being updated for maximum inclusion. Gifts must be identical to avoid outcome disparities, and the eggnog comes with a warning label for "unexpected joy." Employees are encouraged to submit their preferred holiday greeting in advance so the company can select the safest option, likely: "We acknowledge this season is complex."

For government employees, Advent is the season of waiting for your Joy Authorization Number, pending review by a multidisciplinary panel. If approved, you may experience one (1) unit of seasonal uplift between 2:00 and 2:15 p.m., provided it is non-transferable, carbon-neutral, and does not imply religious certainty. If the paperwork doesn't come through, don't worry: experts assure us the absence of joy is actually a sign of progress.

Progressive thought leaders stress that none of this is meant to cancel Christmas. It's simply an effort to make the holiday more equitable by removing the dangerous element of unsupervised happiness. In fact, joy remains fully authorized - and even encouraged - while agitating for a Democratic candidate named Kamala in future elections.

[Ivan the Stakhanovets]

Each and every day I am more and more grateful that I am retired from the Kapitalist military industrial government workforce.



A most equal revision to previous RamaHanaKwansMas seasonal policies.  Let the compulsory fun begin!

[jackalopelipsky]

The plumber is set to come fix the toilet sometime in late January ‘26. Would it be possible to schedule Joy to arrive sometime around mid February?

[Red Square]

Did somebody want to schedule Joy to arrive mid February?

[Red Square]

I tried making up a caption for this Joy, but all I could think of was "Let them eat cake."

[jackalopelipsky]

I tried making up a caption for this Joy, but all I could think of was "Let them eat cake."

Thank you Red Square for slapping me with the reality of mid February Joy delivered straight to my door, from bakery would be. This meme in search of meaning is like the kind of Mardi Gras cake served at Party parties, at which the soul/sole purpose is why Lent exists on the calendar in Gulf of America America. Plus, the purple, yellow, green thing you have going on with Joy’s head- inside and out..just turn up the Mardi Gras volume and let Joy’s good times roll…served at Party parties, only. I think I saw glitter for a while.

That Jackalopelipsky should be delivered what is only permitted to be served at Party parties is too much happiness. Besides the left over Joy head cake takes up too much room in the refrigerator. Should I buy a special freezer ? Like Walt Disney has, but for a Mardi Joy Gras Cake?

Jackalopelipsky sees Joy Cake Floats, and their recipe/engineering descriptions in celebration of the arrival of Mardi Joy Gras.