Tiffany, Social Justice Warrior, at the World Cup

[Komissar al-Blogunov]

I was so angry and so ashamed of my country. I know, I'm like that every day, but the other day was, like, special.  See, I was going to meet people from around the world who are here for the World Cup.  It's so cool because I can show them that there are progressives here who hate America, too.  America!  Yuck!  I hate even saying that name.  America is a cesspool of corporate greed, racism, and planetary destruction.  There's no free health care while rich people keep obscene amounts of their money, and everybody knows how we suck compared to Europe.  I was so worried for these foreigners and the shock they must have experienced coming to this awful country.  They needed someone to reassure them, to tell them it's okay because somebody in America cares.  They needed me.

But that's not what happened.  Bummer.  Let me explain how it all fell apart.

First, I saw a visitor from South Korea walking into the stadium.  My heart bled for this oppressed Person of Color.  I approached him and gently put my hand on his arm. "Do-you-speakie-English?" I asked.  "Yes, he replied.  We study English in South Korea."  "I just want you to know I'm so sorry for the way people are discriminating against you here," I said tenderly.  "Um, no, everybody's been great.  I even met an older American who fought in Korea and was so honored to thank him for his service."  I felt like I had been hit in the back of the head with cinderblock.  I must not have heard him right.  "Did he call the police?  Did he threaten to shoot you?  Did he - "  The Korean man simply laughed.  "No," he said, "in fact, he said he was glad to have served our people."  It was time to change the subject.  "Look," I said, "here's five dollars.  I know you've probably never seen so much money before, but I want you to use it to bribe a South Korean guard so you can escape to North Korea."  "Why would I want to do that?" he asked.  What!  He was so brainwashed, so I had to explain.  "Everybody in North Korea has a fair working wage.  Everybody has a job and gets free health care.  Dear Leader is one of my heroes, and he takes care of everybody."  He looked confused and tried to give me my five dollars back, but I knew he just needed a little space to change his mind.  I told him to keep it and started walking away.  But that's how much I care.  I gave up my Starbucks money just so this man could have a chance at a better life.  Then I called my mom and told her to send five dollars to my PayPal account.  "Why?" asked Mom.  "Because justice never sleeps!" I shrieked reasonably into the phone.  Adults still don't understand.

Then I saw a German fan.  I know how sophisticated Germany is especially compared to America.  I wanted him to know I was a safe person to talk to about his nightmare in this terrifying place.  Besides, it would help me recover from the encounter with the brainwashed Korean.  "I'm so sorry you had to come to America to watch the World Cup," I began.  "Vhy?"  he asked.  "I know you've been subject to endless harassment, especially since you're a European visiting in the American South.  How many of these inbred hicks tried to call ICE and get you deported?  You can trust me."  "Um, none."  he replied.  "Ve haf been very vell received.  Our interactions vith Americans haf been Wunderbar!"  "No!" I reasoned, "No! No! No! No! NO!"  "I don't undershtand," he said.  "But some gun toting redneck must have tried to kill you by now," I replied, "It happens every 4.6 seconds in America, mostly where people own guns!" "Oh, ya, guns!" he said doubtless remembering some recent trauma.  "My vife und I met a gentleman named Scott.  He invited us to his property so ve could shoot the guns.  Ve had the best time.  He vas very gracious."  I could have thrown up.  This poor European doesn't get it.  I thought Germans were smart, but this man caved in to the worst elements of American culture on his first visit.  It was time to go.

Then I saw some other visitors.  Men were wearing these plaid skirts.  Drag queens!  Surely they have been oppressed and marginalized in homophobic America!  I approached one I just knew needed me to commiserate with him so I could reassure him.  "I'm so happy to see you celebrating Pride Month in your dress," I said warmly with a welcoming smile.  "What?  Och, noo.  This is mah kilt, the manly dress of the Heelander," he answered.  What did he just say?  Another example of toxic masculinity in a skirt?  This made no sense.  "Your skirt!" I said pointing to it so he could follow my reasoning, "You're wearing a skirt."  "Nay, it's a kilt, lassie.  It's no a skirt."  "But why are you wearing it?"  I was still mystified.  "It's mah clan tartan," he answered.  "You're a klansman?"  I asked starting to hyperventilate.  "Aye, Campbell.  Do yer like it?"  I was starting to sweat.  My heart was pounding.  Any moment this maniac might start burning crosses!  I ran.  When I could breathe and feel safe again, I called Mom and told her to schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist.

I haven't left my bedroom in days.  The triple shock was so devastating.  What was wrong with these foreigners that they couldn't comprehend reality?  How could they come to the worst country on earth and like it here?  I scrolled through my social media, and it got worse.  A German guy liked Waffle House.  An English woman said how wonderful it was to talk to strangers - in America!  A Scottish guy raved about Walmart.  Another loved visiting Buc-ee's.  I threw my phone against the wall.  I told Mom I needed a new iPhone so I could continue my crusade against corporate greed and went back to bed.  Don't call me.  I'm not in the mood to talk right now.