Ballot Harvester Auction Barn

[jackalopelipsky]

Across Texazistan, Ballot Harvester Auction Barn sales are fetching hot money.

With an upcoming Republican Senate runoff happening May 26, Ballot Harvesters purchased by the decidedly NOT Republican Cornyn Campaign have two opportunities to wrangle stray mail-in ballots. Harvesters owned by the Officially Democrat Talarico Campaign contracts won't deliver until November.

"Two mail-in-ballot drives means more personal profit for Ballot Harvester owners and operators", said flushed bidder, D.K. Mooney. In perusing the Auction Barn Catalog for today's auction ring presentation, a flush D.K. Mooney auction barn bidder indicated he was particularly interested in:

Lot 101: “Multi-Herd Combo Pack” – All-Terrain Ballot Beast
The Swiss Army knife of harvesters – one operator, three specialized attachments included:

Senior gripper claw for nursing homes - Automatically files Mail in Ballot requests for Seniors
Dreamer charm bracelet for the under-30 service worker crowd - Get paid for wrangling up those absently misplacing their ballots in recliners and sofa cushions
Shadow Rider cloaking device for the “just got here yesterday” demographic
Comes with a single button labeled “Harvest All of the Above.”
For the big-spending campaign that wants to corner the entire non-traditional voter market in one stop. Reserve price: your soul plus $101k – payable in dark-money PAC checks.

"Jasmine Crockett is the Duke Bros. of this model. Prices only the RNSC can afford are driving prices in the ballot auction rings across Texazistan. It's a seller's market for those selling out their neighbors!! What a time to be in the human commodities market!!", DK Mooney opined to this auction barn observer.