Atlanta, GA—A CNN report, whose contents were leaked to us before airtime, outlines what reporters and university professors refer to as “Trump's catastrophe”—a rumored move to make tariffs retroactive and then tax two of the most important items imported to the US: air and the English language.
 
“Air comes from all over the world,” CNN meteorologist Zip Crane states in one segment of the report. “Even if Trump doesn't succeed in his massively insidious top secret plan to make all tariffs on long-term imports retroactive, the US will be paying itself trillions of dollars a year to import air from other parts of the world. “We use so much air and we can't keep from importing it--it just shows up!”
 
When asked about his background in economics, Mr. Crane mentioned a course at Yale, but nothing else, not even a summer course at the Wharton School.
 
Similarly, linguists at Harvard and the University of Pennsylvania state that the nation could be crushed under the burden of all the words brought in from other languages.
 
“Think twice about that joie de vivre,” Professor Silas Marner grumbled when contacted about his portion of the report. “Good, God, a whole chunk of American language was imported directly from England!”
 
When asked about ancient languages such as Akkadian, Latin, Greek, and ancient Egyptian, Marner remarked that of course the US should pay tariffs on material discussed out loud in classrooms and lectures.
 
Marner became defensive, however, when this reporter asked him about the import of different meanings for words already extant in the language, such as “dank,” “woke,” and “the s**t.”
 
“Shh!” he exclaimed. “Don't give Trump any ideas!”

Comrade Badger, the jackalope knows you are on the CNN Truth Train about the delusional Trump. The jackalope hopes you and this guy enjoy the ride… like in those Christmas travel movies.

Most Equally Esteemed Comrade Jackalopelipsky,

I couldn't follow the alleged thoughts feelings expressed by the individual in the video.  OK, I gave up about 15 seconds in.  I did manage to gather that everyone other than that person is both stupid and WRONG.  I'm certain he is an absolute joy at the family holiday gathering.  If he is allowed to attend or the family even hints where they are meeting...  I bet he is single!  It was so kind of him to take time out of his busy schedule to share his wisdom and superior reasoning with us. 

Red Salmon