Beltway Prostitutes: Do Not Criminalize Liberal Lifestyle!

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The famous Beltway bordello that was shut down after 13 years of impeccable service last October is now fighting back with a vengeance.

Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey and her lawyer claim their business was in no way different from the generally accepted liberal practices of simulating love and compassion for the downtrodden with the purpose of amassing large fortunes and obtaining power.

"Shutting down a bordello in Washington, D.C. equates to the criminalization of the liberal lifestyle and politics of progressivism," says Madam's civil lawyer, stating that sex workers are being unfairly singled out from the general Beltway population of politicians, lobbyists, media celebrities, news editors, journalists, and special interest groups.

John Edwards, male prostitute - his unmatched ability to feign love and compassion for the poor masses have earned him a fortune of up to $69 million including a rambling 29,000-square-foot mansion.

John Kerry, international gigolo - amassed a fortune of about $1 billion by faking tender feelings towards both the downtrodden masses and wealthy widows at the same time, mastering the arts of hedging. Official records indicate that Kerry still remains at large and continues to receive salary as a U.S. Senator.

Hillary Clinton's whoring for campaign cash is an open secret. Her ability to imitate sincerity, passion, or any feelings at all about people she would rather not see, had brought over $13 million into her war chest before she even announced her run for the presidency. Sometimes she gets carried away and begins to fake joy, smiles, and southern accents when there is no real need for it, which raises questions if she is indeed a professional player or merely a political skank who just can't help herself.

William "Cold Cash"Jefferson, brothel treasurer - gained prominence by pretending to care about the people of New Orleans, but amid the chaos that engulfed the city during Hurricane Katrina, used National Guard troops to help him retrieve a $90,000 bribe hidden in his freezer while his constituents were trying to get rescued from rooftops. That didn't prevent him from becoming a "vocal critic of FEMA's performance." He remains free, continues to receive a salary of a U.S. Congressman, and Madam Speaker now wants to place him on the Homeland Security Committee.

"Barney Frank's precedent alone dictates that charges against Madam Palfrey should be dropped and apologies made," says Palfrey's civil defense lawyer. "Congressman Frank had allowed his Washington apartment to be used as headquarters for a gay prostitution ring for a year and a half, and now he's Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee."

Reverend C. Slick:
"I have to wonder how Madam Pelosi keeps her sanity while managing so many deranged, barren, greedy, jealous, conceited, drugs-and-alcohol addicted skanky hoes."

"The similarities between prostitutes and, say, politicians are as striking as they are far-reaching," opined Madam Deborah Palfrey, 50, whose expertise is based on extensive observations of the both groups. "Both prostitutes and politicians aren't allowed to kiss their customers on the lips, while at the same time, they eagerly massage other most intimate nooks and crannies."

"They both care about their hygiene and meretricious appearance, yet it is advisable to wash up after an encounter with any of them. They are no strangers to blackmail, deceit, cowardice, fear, loyalty to pimps, corruption, just plain crime, and pharmaceuticals that can make a man stand at attention for up to four hours. They often meet with clients in dark parking lots, and most people feel guilty and dirty afterwards. Not to mention lighter in the wallet - the opening of which just happens to be a perfect metaphor for sex."

"The leader, in both cases, is called Madam," continued Madam Palfrey. "It is no coincidence that Bush referred to Nancy Pelosi as Madam Speaker. She has a big house to maintain, with 435 'public servants' to keep on a leash. And just like my girls, I'm sure, every one of them is motivated purely by compassion towards the downtrodden, selflessly aiming to provide services to the community while emulating best European standards."

"I just hope that when her bitches become too much of a pain in the ass, Madam Speaker will have the wits to close the shop and move on to start a different life, before she gets herself indicted on federal racketeering charges like yours truly."

Image Madam Pelosi has a big house to maintain, with 435 "public servants" to keep on a leash...

For Madam Palfrey, moving on to a different life is a challenge. She has to pay for her criminal defense, but the government has seized her bank accounts and about $1.5 million in real estate. To help pay her legal bills she is now threatening to sell a list of famous political whores, which her lawyer said investigators let slip through their fingers.

The list includes up to 10,000 politicians, lobbyists, publishers, educators, union leaders, Hollywood celebrities, and other widely known figures who may or may not have been her clients, but who have gotten where they are today by doing exactly what her female escorts are being accused of. But while the girls are being investigated, the powerful people on the list remain free, get to keep their huge estates, and even run for the presidency on the Democrat ticket.

To give potential bidders a taste of what's in the package, Palfrey posted excerpts of records on her Web site, exposing such hi-end players as male prostitute John Edwards, international gigolo John Kerry, William "Cold Cash"Jefferson, Hillary "War Chest" Clinton, Arthur "Fit to Print" Sulzberger, and other political bigwigs who have been able to successfully fake love for the disadvantaged in exchange for considerable payments in cash and favors.

"Labels like 'hooker' and 'prostitute' don't do justice to the complexity of the issues and individuals involved," says Madam Palfrey.

"If being a prostitute means to display caring for those who picked you from the roster of other candidates and tend to all their needs, to follow their slightest whims and desires, to act as if you like them while fighting the gag reflex, to create the illusion of bliss and harmony leading to a mutual climax and hoping that the next time they will pick you again - while at he same time both parties pretend that their relationship is based on affection and not large amounts of cash - then yes, call us prostitutes."

In related news:

Sowing the Seeds through Science and Engineering:
Beltway Bordello Scandal threatens Science and Technology Bill package

The science and engineering community is already feeling unforeseen fallout from the Beltway bordello scandal due to increasing fears that Bill H.R. 363, otherwise known as Sowing the Seeds through Science and Engineering Research Act, may not pass House vote because of its ambiguous title, as well as potential links to pleasure-for-money technologies.

PHOTO: Already, research funding for this U.S. graduate student into his highly promising dual military/and pleasure-for-money application is threatened.

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Oh... my... STALIN! This could ruin us! RUIN US! OK, don't panic anyone... I'll get on the horn to Fitzpatrick and see what he can do to shut this broad up. Lupe, go indoors and fetch me my Mickey Mouse phone... Madam Nancy has a few phone calls to make. Ugh... and fetch me some aspirin, better yet, fetch me some percocet... I feel a headache coming on.

You threw your Mickey Mouse phone at me, Miss Nancy. Remember? It was that time when Lupe forgot to soak your dentures and you got really mad at Lupe and threw phone at Lupe head and, and, and I had to get thirty-three stiches. Remember, Miss Nancy? I did, however, buy you that Kermit the frog phone.

Oh... and its Fitzgerald by the way, Miss Nancy. He the Special Party pitbull... Remember?

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Lupé wrote:Oh... and its Fitzgerald by the way, Miss Nancy. He the Special Party pitbull... Remember?


NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!! Aww, crap!! That's the only reason I've even been appearing like I want Hillary to win the Red House, so I can go back to my favorite hangout!!! Oh, the tragedy of it all!!! Please, help me find a way to avoid this terrible fate for this great old landmark!!!

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Your Grace! Your Imminence! Please, relieve yourself on my drapes before your temper ruins your cosmetic surgery! Take them and smear your rage till your hearts content! Do it for the children! FOR THE LOVE OF ETHEL AND JULIUS ROSENBERG, DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

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Nancy wrote:Oh... my... STALIN!
Yes Nancy? What can I do for you?

I would have answered sooner. After all, I have always been known as a proud servant of "the people", but we've been having so much fun lately, down here in the nether regions, with our new Saddam and Zarkawi toys, seeing what will fit into their nether regions . . . well, you have to understand that we rarely get this quality entertainment.

Um, what were we talking about?

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(....wait a minute is she one of mine? Did she pay her "dues"?)

A) Ft. Marcy
B) Plane Crash ala Ron Brown
c) Certified Dr. Malik accidental be-heading on the railroad tracks.
D) Car Crash
E) The "Other" option.....

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Here we are in extreme political danger and where is the Bvt. Field Marshall?

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I live in the region of the People's Socialist Republic of the District of Columbine.

I'll go over to her house and load her up on Milk of Magnesia. If that does not work, well ... she can <i>SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEEND!!!</i>

<img width="250" src="">

Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

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That, or Premier Betty can always sharpen his Mark IV People's Tool:

But the first option, of course, is to use this multi-purpose tool of the proletariat upside the head:


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Option *E* sounds interesting, Your Most Supreme Excellency. May I inquire what option *E* is... and does it involve a pool filled with dangerous aquatic creatures and honey mustard??

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As Meatloaf once sang "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" are so close...
It does involve water and a certain cetacean.
She has been trained since 1973 for circumstances just like this.
All we need to do is to get Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey to go for a little cruise on the Potomac and the cetacean will complete the work.
Could Madam Speaker make the arrangements?....let say maybe a "A Spring Diversity Global Warming Fundraising Cruise" and invite Obama, John Edwards, Al Gore,...etc..Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey would be hired as the hostess, her resume is replete with many references in the "hospitality industry". Of course Madam Speaker and I will have an important UN conference or what not to attend and we'll send our <chuckle> "regrets". We could solve a lot of problems with option "E". Think of all the media publicity we could get for "comforting" a grieving nation!
Craig Livingstone will be head of operations. He'll first obtain the Madam's list for our safekeeping. Sandy "Scissorhands" Berger will be backup in case Livingstone is co-opted, discovered, or fails in his mission. Both have previous successful experience in this line of work.
Once this mission is accomplished, the "Cruise" will set sail and the cetacean will finalize the plan.
Option "E": Code name "Schwester".

<IMG width="540" src=" ... hotos3.jpg">

Here's Craig, Donna, ME, and Rosie in happier times!

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Comrades, comrades. No need to panic. Comrade Putin has already demonstrated the effective means to silence dissidents. Comrade Red I'm sure will be able to establish communications with Comrade Putin to learn the subtleties of slipping radioactive material into this 'Madam's' drink, or shooting her in the groin, or falling out of a window.
If that somehow doesn't work we could always just blow up her house and blame it on Bushitler because he is one of those on her list of customers and he killed her to keep her quiet. The remainder of the list was unfortunately destroyed in the blast.



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I would LOVE to make the arrangements, Hill! That is if we can somehow get Murtha on this boat too.... the old man has my balls in a printing press over this war thing or something. Hmmm... let me check my schedule, excuse me for a second my dear.

(LUPE! Get your ass in here and read me *my* very important and official schedule! NOW! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT! You stupid whore, you're not going to earn that two minutes of Telemundo dragging your feet like some lame cripple! What the hell are you, little Timmy!? Move it woman... pick up those scabbed feet and get over here!)

Lupé sorry, Miss Nancy... Lupé feet still sore and bandaged after you made Lupé walk over those broken beer bottles. OK, Lupé have schedule right here:

8:00 - Botox Injection with Dr. Gerfencluckenhiemer

9:00 - Face lift with Dr. Gerfencluckenhiemer

10:00 - Tummy tuck with Dr. Gerfencluckenhiemer

11:00 - Brunch with Dr. Gerfencluckenhiemer

12:00 - Colon cleaning with Dr. Gerfencluckenhiemer

12:30 - Nap till 3:00

3:00 - whipping for Lupé ( maybe you could cancel this, Miss Nancy. To make room for Miss Hillary?)

4:00 - Congressional work

4:04 - Cocktails with Teddy

4:05 - Legislative Report from Lord Fwank

4:06 - Nap until 8

8:00 - Dinner with corporate interest

9:00 - Family time

9:01 - *Nancy Time*

10:00 - *Nancy Time*

11:00 - *Nancy Time*

11:15 - Bedtime story

11:16 - Sleep

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Lupe wrote:3:00 - whipping for Lupé ( maybe you could cancel this, Miss Nancy. To make room for Miss Hillary?)

Don't be ridiculous, Lupe - I know how much you look forward to your daily beating. Hmmm... looks like I'm booked... Hmmm, maybe I could sacrifice some personal time to make room for Operation "Schwester". OK, Lupe; I want you to cancel Family time, Congressional work and my Legislative report from Bonnie. Yes, that should give me enough time to make a few phone calls to the appropriate channels of influence. I also want you to re-schedule my 12:30 nap and make room for a 12:40 U.N meeting. My nap will just have to start at 1:00... book me a room at the Waldorf and make sure tax-dollars cover the bill. Oh, and make sure you pack my overnight bag and be sure to stuff an extra pair of dentures... the pearly white ones, I MUST look good for the cameras... I MUST!

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Madam Speaker; I was looking over your very important schedule and noticed that "Cocktails with Teddy" only lasts for about a minute... how is this possible?

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Because I can't swim, you idiot! I'm not going to lounge around and get drunk with that old man! Before you know it you're in the car with him at the bottom of some vast body of water! Think man! THINK!

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You could always drive... or fly... your jet.

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Madam Speaker, shall I "deal" with this Whore to the Imperialist Swine?

Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

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Zampolit Blokhayev wrote:Madam Speaker, shall I "deal" with this Whore to the Imperialist Swine?

Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

No... Hillary and I shall deal with this personally. But please make yourself useful and fetch me a V8.

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Fetch Comrade Speaker Nancy a V8 and moved that Burrito stuffed lard ass mi muchacha!!! Or Mees Nancy can deal with you!!!!


User avatar turns out that this Palfrey Madam is from the Pittsburgh area.
This will be easier than I thought with Craig in charge of the operation. That's where Laika found him for me when he was just a poor bar bouncer for Graffitti, a rock night club in the 'Burgh.
He was so kind to identify Vince for me! Craig is a genius!

I'm sure he has a link to Palfrey. Has Craig reported in yet?

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Sorry, Comrades; I have been absent on my estate on the lower Pecos where the serfs were rising up, wanting food and to see their children. And all of that trying to run away. I solved that by cutting off their feet. They don't need feet anyway; they can till my fields on their knees, because the stupid oafs drop my produce and it's not that far to the ground.

But what am I supposed to do? Ever since that hysterical panic about global warming started by Algore was taken seriously by the big companies who have quit producing all the chemicals that I want at prices I want to pay, and I can't trust my goon squads to liberate as much as I could like, I can't get the right fertilizer for the soil. So I've been composting the kulaks who have died from infection when I cut off their feet--those drugs from Juarez are so unreliable, and anyway the good pharmacists have fled across the Rio Grande where Comrade Nancy wants to give them social security and then what will I do?

And just think, Comrades, to return to the news of the brothel! It almost makes me believe in that bourgeous god. Do you suppose I could contract with it for the fetuses of the abortions? If I could have those, and all the stuff coming out of Comrade Nancy's mouth, I could continue to grow my produce and sell it to George Soros and mark it organic.

I cannot, in Socialist Truth, call it non-toxic but he's more toxic than salmonella and botulism.

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Option E (Code name: Schwester) is off. My estranged husband and future co-president <snicker...he thinks, hahaha....I thought that one up the first go 'round, Bill's such a dumbass Southern hick. I got news for you Bill, it ain't happening.> just called and said I forgot about Gladys, so I picked up the phone and called Gladys.
Judge Kessler fixed things really quick. The gag order is in place, not a peep from the media, and behold....NO LIST OF CLIENTS!

I'm checking it against, not the website...the 900 files dummy.
If Obama is on either/or, one or the other, something's going to get leaked.


Kessler, Gladys
Born 1938 in New York, NY

Federal Judicial Service:
Judge, U. S. District Court for the District of Columbia
Nominated by William J. Clinton on March 22, 1994, to a seat vacated by Michael J. Boudin; Confirmed by the Senate on June 15, 1994, and received commission on June 16, 1994. Assumed senior status on January 22, 2007.

Cornell University, B.A., 1959

Harvard Law School, LL.B., 1962

Professional Career:
Appellate attorney, National Labor Relations Board, 1962-1964
Legislative assistant, U.S. Sen. Harrison A. Williams, 1964-1966

(Read about her former boss Sen. Williams, unlike Murtha, he did get busted for Abscam:

Legislative assistant, U.S. Rep. Jonathan Bingham, 1966-1968

(Read about her other boss, Rep. Bingham, one of the board members of People for The American Way:

Special assistant, Director of Office of Staff Relations, New York City Board of Education, 1968-1969
Private practice, Washington, DC, 1969-1977
Associate judge, Superior Court of the District of Columbia, 1977-1994

Race or Ethnicity: White

Gender: Female

Who needs Craig when we got Gladys?

BTW, has anybody seen Craig? No? Gee, there must be a reason for that. I can't figure out why......

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Hillary wrote:Here we are in extreme political danger and where is the Bvt. Field Marshall?

I was deep undercover with Comrade Smersh reconitoring the Obama phenomenon, and unable to emerge to report until now. There are many weaknesses to report; you'll have a dossier soon. Think Fort Marcy Park.

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Unexpectedly, put a link to this Cube story - apparently because we linked to it (see the bottom box) while describing the Sowing the Seeds through Science and Engineering bill.

It's probably some automatic news aggregation script that did it blindly - but that makes it even funnier. We could only wish that other Congress, Senate, and related sources put a prominent link to our Beltway Bordello article. The same goes for the sites educating the public about the workings of the federal government.

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Comrade Dr. Theocritus,

This humble space dog begs a favor:

Can you decipher this?

I was supposed to pick up a signal from Craig regarding "Madam from The Mon".
Is this it?
I was supposed to get a confirmation that the kill ratio must be 3:1 in favor of The Party.
I can't find it anywhere, but maybe you can help?

H08 official Lapdog of the Revolution,

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Not to worry Space Dog of The People! Our comrades at ABC are to supposedly releasing the names tonight. And I guarantee you, with Mark Halperin as Political Commissar for the Network, WE CAN'T LOSE! Prepare for a Republican slaughter! It shall be GLORIOUS! GAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!

-- Nuclear Nancy

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Spitzer has become the latest victim of criminalization of liberal lifestyle and progressivism. This will have to CHANGE!

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What the hell is going on?

I just arrived in D.C. and my favorite whorehouse is closed! Then I discover that useful idiot Eliot Spitzer is to blame. What's up with that?

Why is everybody blaming him for engaging in liberal progressive activity? It's not his fault. Eliot Spitzer is blameless. He's one of us!

No comrades, he was trapped by the VRWC!

We have a new Enemy of the People™:


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I just want to make it clear that this whore house was not an approved franchise of the Pup's Pleasure Party House chain, This is just the sort of thing I have warned so many of you all (you know who you are), of the risks you face when you stray from the ranch so to speak, and go to these contract "comforters." They have not been vetted by my highly skilled and trained intake staff. I wash my paws of any responsibility for this mess.