Children's Plastic Army Men Revised for Progressive New Age

Many of us who, unlike Comrade Biden, have not passed excessive amounts of time consuming household cleaning products, may remember playing with plastic army persons during our youth. Well, progressive science has since discovered that this supposedly "harmless and educational" game was a ploy to instill patriarchal hegemony in male child-persons, encouraging their feelings of violence and aggression towards diverse cultures. Now that many of these feral youngsters have grown up, their knee-jerk jingoism obstructs the efforts of more enlightened, correct-thinking diplomats in dealing with religions and cultures of genuine peace and benevolence, especially in the Middle East.

In order to educate the new generation of state's mini-adults about the concept of a modern, correct-thinking army, the United Nations in association with the Obama Administration have created a revised set of plastic army persons for use in state-authorized play activities.




The UN Regulations Enforcement Officer. This soldier is one of the most important: she keeps watch on the rest of the company's personnel to make sure all UN guidelines, directives and wishlist items are being complied with. She may also occasionally turn around and observe the enemy Friends The Country Hasn't Met Yet (FTCHMY for short) to check if they are watching any insulting films the company may be responsible for producing.




The Peace Offering Disbursement Technician. This soldier is the heart and soul of the progressive modern army. Her duty is lobbing peace offerings, such as free cell phones, Korans, pork-free sandwiches, etc, toward a FTCHMY position, to show we mean them no harm - and bribe them if at all possible. Since the FTCHMY may display excessive enthusiasm while handling loaded weapons, this technician needs to be able to throw stuff a good distance and duck quickly.

~

Environmental Engineer. Climate change is the biggest threat we face - far bigger than any FTCHMY or alliance of FTCHMYs. The EE keeps track of company's carbon emissions, makes sure all waste is biodegradable, and that solar panels and wind turbines at each new engagement site are properly installed. When the Army goes to all-electric tanks beginning in 2014, the EE will also supervise the vehicle charging stations. The electric tanks are expected to get upwards of 10 miles of running for each 24-hour charge and give off ZERO EMISSIONS.



MSW (Military Social Worker.) The MSW is the backbone of the modern progressive army. She engages the FTCHMYs in constructive dialog and attempts to resolve the conflict if at all possible. If necessary, the MSW may call in heavier armament, such as, a psychiatrist battalion, or draw her personal reset button and press it. In addition, the MSW holds group therapy sessions to help the company deal with the stress and feelings of guilt stemming from having to represent an oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic country on the world stage.


Field Legal Officer. The FLO is the lawyer who defends the company against lawsuits and other actions brought by the FTCHMYs. She also arbitrates disputes between soldiers, their unions, and the Army. The FLO is the go-to person when a FTCHMY is injured during combat and is in need of filing a personal injury lawsuit (US soldiers don't get to sue anyone as they are all covered by Obamacare.) If and when a FTCHMY is injured as a result of an action by a US soldier, the FLO makes sure the person responsible is read their rights before being arrested by the UN Regulations Enforcement Officer.



Multi-cultural Chaplain. The MCC makes sure all important religious traditions, such as, Muslim, atheist, etc, are respected, by conducting dialogues, group therapies, and peace offering disbursements. If a FTCHMY accidentally dies during an engagement, the MCC gathers the company together for a funeral service in accordance with the deceased's religious beliefs. The MCC enforces compliance with the local customs, making sure female members of the company are wearing burqas when engaging FTCHMY in an Islamic host country.

Leader From Behind. The Leader From Behind is the company commander in chief. He or she follows the company, crawling on his or her stomach because that is the best way to observe the whereabouts and locate lost golf balls. From this advantageous position, the LFB is best able to detect negative trends in the engagement and select a suitable person to take the blame (the LFB is never to blame.) Outside of those duties, the LFB attends dinner parties.




Ideology Compliance Officer. The ICO is the only person in the company with a gun. If the engagement goes badly, the ICO will receive orders from HQ to open fire on the company members who have shown lack of enthusiasm in carrying out Leader From Behind's orders. Usually people selected for this position are incapable of hitting anything, but that problem is being worked on.



This represents the only correct way for child-persons to engage in military-themed play. Your help in conditioning the minds of your respective child-persons is required to help us build the Progressive Army of Tomorrow sooner.

Once it replaces the army of yesterday, our Party leaders will no longer have to compare US soldiers to Nazis and peaceful demonstrators will have no motivation to kill our embassy personnel in result of despicable films, cartoons, or even Mitt Romney's comments.

Volunteer compliance of all parents is mandatory. Comments are welcome, but critical ones will be treated as hate speech.
 

Comrade Opiate, I trust that the Multi-cultural chaplin is authorized to officiate gay marriages. You know when you have a group of modern men fighting together, there is always a chance that bromance could blossom into something a little more semi-permanent. You are aware of the People's Navy's new ad for submarine personnel recruiting: "100 men go on board for a long underwater mission and 50 couples return!"
 

Dear Opiate of the People - may I respectfully suggest the following plastic army person for inclusion in our 'modern correct-thinking army?'


 

Comrade Putout, I would congratulate you on your suggestion but I do not wish to offend those who have not made any suggestions. BTW, the State Dept wishes to see a flag at the end of that soldier's flagpole (it IS a flagpole, isn't it?) so as to make sure that peaceful combatants do not mistake him for some other country's soldiers. A country they do not like as much as us, for example.
 

This is an excellent use of The People's resources. Well done, Comrade OP.
 

Comrade, you have them all wrong. They should be following the examples of our French comrades.
 

Main Stream Media. The State's elite marxist propaganda corps. Responsible for character assassinations of anyone who disagrees with the Administration's policies or anything else for that matter. They are fanatical fighters when their power of influence over society is threatened.
 

I know what MY nieces and nephews are getting for Marxmas this year!!
 

OK, R.O.C.K.,
You mess around with the tank and I'll play with the official Joe Biden " Debate Coach " toy !


The VP's a quick study, no ?
 

Just an observation, but shouldn't the toy progressive soldiers of ill-fortune and unbegotten gain be rainbow-colored as to represent inclusiveness of every belief except Christianity?


just sayin'
 

Comrade Whinny, your idea is not a pooh. However, the Party has decided to keep soldiers in green for now to demonstrate the Army's commitment to preserving the environment is serious. But, they have decided to partially adopt your most-equal idea and paint all military hardware, including ships and stealth peace offering disbursement planes, in a rainbow theme to make clear to any potential FTCHMYs that our military is proud of its diversity from very, very far away.
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

I know what MY nieces and nephews are getting for Marxmas this year!!

A fire extinguisher?

BTW, your excellent tank design states it holds up to 4 soldiers and 3 clowns. Could it not hold BOTH? Perhaps with the soldiers riding on the outside maybe?
 

"We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded."

This toy soldier army no doubt fulfills Dear Leaders Campaign promise! Make it so.




VICTORY is at HANDJOB!



 

Dig4Utopia

"We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded."

This toy soldier army no doubt fulfills Dear Leaders Campaign promise! Make it so.

Like the TSA Honor Guard



 

The TSA " Honor Guard "? They must have a lot of time on their hands.
 

Comrades
Considering what little remains to defend, the PC Corps will require a battle color to display so all may know what they are fighting for. A dirty diaper would be most appropriate to reflect infantile 60's new age kulture.
 

How 'bout this ?





Battle uniforms for the TSA Inspectors ?
 

TSA, Ready for battle, Comrade!


 

Rubber gloves. How can they be sincere when the gloves say "I want to touch your junk, but I don't want your junk touching me"? I bet they won't kiss me after or call me in the morning, either.
 

I should point out, lest anyone be offended, that the Multi-cultural Chaplain IS allowed to be a "christian", but they are emphatically NOT allowed to say the "J" word. Allowed words, particularly during "prayer", are "Allah, Muhammed, Mohammed, Muhammod, Mohammud, Muhammud, The Prophet, Dear Leader, Obama, and Buddha".
 

 

For crying out loud. I can hardly believe--well, actually I can--that I, and I alone, am the only one here enlightened enough, progressive enough, and yea, even caring enough, to see the obvious. Why, it's as plain as the red nose on my avatar!

These toys are still made of PLASTIC!!! Evil, environmentally incorrect PLASTIC!

It'll take a thousand years for them to biodegrade--if they ever biodegrade at all. They'll still be here centuries after humanity has been wiped off the planet by Global Warming and Republican policies and budget cuts (but I repeat myself). Why, they're no better than poopy "disposable" diapers--and yes, I'm also referring to Republicans.

Who'll be around a millennium hence to play with them (the soldiers, not the diapers)?

They need to be made of 100% recyclable materials, like the White House Easter Eggs, or Obama's speeches.
 

I don't understand, Commissarka P. .......... Dear Leader's made of plastic ........




 

Commissarka Pinkie

These toys are still made of PLASTIC!!! Evil, environmentally incorrect PLASTIC! ...
They need to be made of 100% recyclable materials, like the White House Easter Eggs, or Obama's speeches.
You're absolutely correct, Commissarka, and you and the viewers at home will be happy to know that a new, chocolatized™ version of the Biden Main Enviro-Tank™ is under development and will be out in the stores in time for Marxmas!



Not only is the new chocolatized™ Enviro-Tank™ fully edible - and therefore biodegradable - it's optimized with the Ritalin™ your child needs to be all that they can be!
 

Chocolate ?

Better not let Michelle know about this !
 

You're thinking of tamales, Krasnodar. When shovel-whacking doesn't work, my next step is to either encase your feet in cement and place you between Michelle and a platter of tamales...or sit you next to Michelle, bury you up to your neck in boiled lobster, and then pour butter sauce all over your head.
 

Poor Krasnodar...sopped to death by FLATUS.
 

All this talk of food... I am worried that Nanny Bloomberg will be denouncing us at the next Party Congress for excess use of verbal transfats and too much salty language.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

You're thinking of tamales, Krasnodar. When shovel-whacking doesn't work, my next step is to either encase your feet in cement and place you between Michelle and a platter of tamales...or sit you next to Michelle, bury you up to your neck in boiled lobster, and then pour butter sauce all over your head.

OHH NOOO !!! .... IT'S FLOTUS !!!!
 

No more chewing the fat, that's for sure.
 

Heads up, Comrade ...
Looks like she may be eyeing you as an appetizer !
 

Poor Betinov...destined to be mingled with the mangled pieces of Krasnodar in the belly of the beast.
 

Madam Obama, this evening we offer a special variation on a standard...

Tamales al Krasnodar, steamed in a light Betinov sauce...
 

A-Ten-Hut!

Fall in line maggots.

Who they $&[email protected] is in command of those mamby pamby pinko communist piece of sh!t toy soldiers .... I can't HEAR you.



Jesus H. Christ we are in a war against Communism and you send me those twinkle toe Koch sucker losers?

After my boot camp I will make those men into killers. Marines are killers and don't you forget that numb nuts.

Now here is what a real Marine Platoon looks like.


 

Commissarka Pinkie

For crying out loud. I can hardly believe--well, actually I can--that I, and I alone, am the only one here enlightened enough, progressive enough, and yea, even caring enough, to see the obvious. Why, it's as plain as the red nose on my avatar!

These toys are still made of PLASTIC!!! Evil, environmentally incorrect PLASTIC!

It'll take a thousand years for them to biodegrade--if they ever biodegrade at all. They'll still be here centuries after humanity has been wiped off the planet by Global Warming and Republican policies and budget cuts (but I repeat myself). Why, they're no better than poopy "disposable" diapers--and yes, I'm also referring to Republicans.

Who'll be around a millennium hence to play with them (the soldiers, not the diapers)?

They need to be made of 100% recyclable materials, like the White House Easter Eggs, or Obama's speeches.

Ah Hah! What's a hot tootsie like you doing out here on the battlefield?

Why ain't you at home making babies? Boy babies that grow up to become killers ... merchants of death ... Marines.

Well here is a soldier you can play with. Environment friendly and all.



 

Sgt. NeoTroll

...Well here is a soldier you can play with. Environment friendly and all.


Oh my Lenin. If the good Gunny ever heard you call him a soldier he'd rip off your head and piss down your throat...




THAT's a soldier.

also environmentally freindly and fun to play with.
 

Tovarichi

Oh my Lenin. If the good Gunny ever heard you call him a soldier he'd rip off your head and piss down your throat...

THAT's a soldier.

also environmentally freindly and fun to play with.

Who's your CO soldier?

You best get with the program son, you need a shave (and a shower).

And what's that in you hand? That is not the canteen Uncle Sam issues.

Now drop and give me 20 ... I'll hold your canteen for you.

Now while you are doing your push-ups I must have a little chat with you. You see son we are on the verge of winning this war, but that colored fellow that is running against President Nixon has vowed to cut military funding if he gets elected. Now we wouldn't want that now would we?

Just a little more time and we can destroy the Communists here in Vietnam and once and for all kick Charlie's sorry ass.

Please keep that in mind when you go vote on November 6.

As you were.
 

Good Sergeant, a couple of items if you have a moment:

1. PTSD medication is free at the VA clinic. You really ought to keep to the schedule and take it with food or milk.

2. Son? My ass... I have more time in a T-64 than you have in a T-shirt. Do me the favor of recognizing my generally honorable service to the Motherland by dropping the word "sir" into our conversation every now and then, especially while your heels are together and you are facing directly to the front? And it's especially impolite to point at someone who can make an extended reservation in the stockade Brig for a warrior such as yourself with a simple telephone call. Remember, due process is for citizens, you waived that when you suited up.

3. Your efforts against Charlie have been noted as most meritorious; the Adjutant has orders for your next medal, and a three day pass for this weekend. Disappear Thursday after the training meeting, and we'll see you in formation on Monday morning, either try to be sober, or bring a bottle for the orderly room.

4. And one small point of order, my "special" canteen is off-limits to you (especially during duty hours).
 

Tovarichi

Good Sergeant, a couple of items if you have a moment:

1. PTSD medication is free at the VA clinic. You really ought to keep to the schedule and take it with food or milk.

2. Son? My ass... I have more time in a T-64 than you have in a T-shirt. Do me the favor of recognizing my generally honorable service to the Motherland by dropping the word "sir" into our conversation every now and then, especially while your heels are together and you are facing directly to the front? And it's especially impolite to point at someone who can make an extended reservation in the stockade Brig for a warrior such as yourself with a simple telephone call. Remember, due process is for citizens, you waived that when you suited up.

3. Your efforts against Charlie have been noted as most meritorious; the Adjutant has orders for your next medal, and a three day pass for this weekend. Disappear Thursday after the training meeting, and we'll see you in formation on Monday morning, either try to be sober, or bring a bottle for the orderly room.

4. And one small point of order, my "special" canteen is off-limits to you (especially during duty hours). Pssst Comrade .. Sarge is already in a VA hospital, in the Psycho ward. He still thinks it's 1968. Once in a while he gets loose and finds a computer in the hospital so he can get his orders direct from President Nixon. Beyond that he has taken prisoner every Asian doctor and technician in the hospital at one time or another. Best we not speak so loud so he won't hear us and go away. Once in a while he really goes batshit crazy as his Proctologist is a "colored". He thinks we are communists pretending to be right wing pretending to be communists, so he spies on us and informs to J. Edger Hoover.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

For crying out loud. I can hardly believe--well, actually I can--that I, and I alone, am the only one here enlightened enough, progressive enough, and yea, even caring enough, to see the obvious. Why, it's as plain as the red nose on my avatar!

These toys are still made of PLASTIC!!! Evil, environmentally incorrect PLASTIC!

It'll take a thousand years for them to biodegrade--if they ever biodegrade at all. They'll still be here centuries after humanity has been wiped off the planet by Global Warming and Republican policies and budget cuts (but I repeat myself). Why, they're no better than poopy "disposable" diapers--and yes, I'm also referring to Republicans.

Who'll be around a millennium hence to play with them (the soldiers, not the diapers)?

They need to be made of 100% recyclable materials, like the White House Easter Eggs, or Obama's speeches.
May I remind you Commissarka Pinkie, that you are to show total obedience to glorious four year planners! Are you decieved in thinking you have a better way of enslaving capatalist pigs, than Grand Marshall Obaminski? I have recently been given a reprieve from the snowy banks of the siberian wasteland my comerade, and I need only denounce six more unbelievers to have my status as party loyal reinstated.!!! I will not bore you with the details of how the army persons are made( that is state secret) but I can tell you that My cousin Has an informer, that has his own K.G.B officer assigned to him that has a beet supplier who told him that the army persons are made from diacarded piggy banks of the capitalist mini humans, and various recyclable 64 ounce beverage conveyances no longer permitted in (New Your k city) The green coloration of the armypersons is merely the result of an unscheduled delay in red coloring. All the available red coloring has been appropriated for use in new progressive political adds designed to attract even more attention. Party leaders are split between the frequent use of the exclamation point( Forward!) It does not have the same effect as (Forward) ! The ministry for peace recomends steeping in beet juice all approved play activity armypersons in order they not blend in with their surroundings and therefore visually appear easily to the enemy. What good is a peace offering dispersement officer good for, comrads if he is not seen? I have not been formaly permitted to inform you of this yet so you may say you heard it from Krasnodar! Forward!!!!!!!!!
 

Oh for Lenin's sake, Krasno, Pamski, grab a drink, I'll get some beet shavings into the fryer and have housekeeping send a mop... Comrade new guy is pushing Pinkie's button, and when she sobers up, this is gonna be a SHOW!
 

Tovarichi

Oh for Lenin's sake, Krasno, Pamski, grab a drink, I'll get some beet shavings into the fryer and have housekeeping send a mop... Comrade new guy is pushing Pinkie's button, and when she sobers up, this is gonna be a SHOW!


Yes, It would appear the new Comrade is about to become Shovel Ready ™
 

I shed tears of joy!