Hillary Comes In Third In Hot Dog Contest

(CONEY ISLAND) Joey Chestnut's world record shattering total of 66 hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes was overshadowed by Senator Hillary Clinton's first time participation in the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

Mrs. Clinton, Democratic Presidential candidate, shoved down a respectable 49 hot dogs, or one for every Republican in the Senate.

Although most fans were rooting for Chestnut or six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, his Japanese rival, to win, Mrs. Clinton did have at least one fan, a woman carrying a sign, "If you become President, we'll eat hot dogs every day."

Although the outcome of the two frontrunners did not become clear until the final two minutes, there was never a doubt that Mrs. Clinton could do no better than third. In fact, if it hadn't been for a last spirited shove and gulp, she might have come in fourth. 

"I've been devouring hot dogs since my girlhood days in Illinois," she said immediately following the contest, stunning crowd into subdued murmurs. Quickly realizing her faux pas, Mrs. Clinton added, "I have continued devouring hot dogs here in New York, the greatest city in the world, and I will continue devouring hot dogs in the White House."

* * *
Submitted by Fit To Print News
 

Hmm, I don't think Her Excellency cares to much for hotdogs. I think she would rather like to sit down to a nice warm can of tuna to start her day off instead.
 

I don't think her excellency has ever had anything that thick in her mouth before. Except, maybe, Mr. Reno.

--
ZB
 

Powerful photograph.
 

I slammed those two fisted suckers. Mr. Reno & Monica whatsherface were great coaches.
I learned alot from Kerry's Philly Cheesesteak fiasco.
I was bummed they didn't have any diced toadstool relish or arsenic sauce, but the garlic cloves and raw horseradish did just fine.

Just look at Kerry.....eating like his pussy hurts....pinky extended.
No way, not me! I knew better!
I'm da man! I'm da man! Whoop!

 

More of a man than me or any other Party member, Your Excellency.
 

Kommissar Vodkov is very worried about that picture of Her Majesty our Leader. Imagine all the reactionaries sitting in front of their computers at this very moment, substituting the People's hot dog being enjoyed by our Leader with a super-size penis! John Holmes comes to mind. This must not happen. I suggest we contact comrade Gore immediately and ask him to purge this image from the Internet before it is too late. Stalin forbid that pictures of our Leader engaging in fellatio appear on-line! If that happens, the penis in question should not be John Holmes's but Kommissar Vodkov's!
 

Hmm, I think Kommissar Vodkov might be on to something here. Better yet, imagine all the MUSLIMS Her Excellency is offending eating that decadent piece of unclean meat!
 

Hill, I know you're a rookie and all (as compared to me who has, if you've forgotten, grown up in the political arena), but should you really be eating all of those hot dogs? I mean, I saw you on the Boob Tube (no, not that video we get randy watching) and I have noticed that your ass is huge! My Gawd, Hill! I'm surprised you can still fit in your white Elvis number! Ugh, get a treadmill or something, for ga sakes!

Before I go, I want to apologize to everyone for being wasted. Yes, I know, it works for Ted Kennedy, but that doesn't mean it will work for *me*.

-- Nanners
 

Hillary

Just look at Kerry.....


Your excellency, I must ask, but who is this Kerry person? I've never heard of him, he must have never existed. However, the man in this picture looks alot like that cardboard cutout in the Senate, representing the Peoples' Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
 

I never heard of that man either! What is he, some sort of competitive eater or something? Hmm, looks familiar... OH! OH! OH! He was that guy with the kiddie show on PBS! Yeah! Rogers or something, right? Yeah, that's it, my daughter use to let the Grandkids watch that show until I told her that Mr. Rogers was, in fact, a preacher. Yeah, we ended that crap real early and let the kids watch Bill Moyers instead. I don't want that Mr. Rogers or his values entering my little one's minds! No sir! I want my grandkids to grow up without any core beliefs so they will be just like Grammy!

Whoring for Hill!

-- Nanners

  *HO8*
 

I think it is very insensitive, culturally and otherwise, to be criticizing Her Highness in this lowbrow manner.

After all, she did go "slumming" to show that she can replicate the eating patterns of those lowbrow cretins like us, whom she would rule over, and from whom she would require "sacrifice"  in order to enact her collectivist visions, which would be good for us (whether we like or want it or not).

Her Highness truly is the smartest (if not gasseous) woman in the world. Please show her the respect she deserves (er, strike that - that she demands!).

Thank you, Comrade -
JonQ
 

Everyone!
    Hillary's dictatorship is coming soon, and you need to eat properly!  I will be hosting her inaugural dinner in honor of Hillary's presidency and assumption of dictatorial powers!  

His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC [‘Victorious Cross’], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography.
 

Your Most Politically Correct Excellency Idi Amin,

Who do you intend to cook in the inaugural dinner? I wonder who would taste better, enemy of the People like Rush Limbough or a traitor that needs to be purged like say, John Kerry? Mr. Limbough would no doubt taste better. He could be turned into many delicious and juicy steaks. However, a class traitor like Kerry would deserve being eaten by his former comrades. What do you think?
 

Dr.  Idi Amin, I commend and praise you for encouring the people to eat a party apporved diet, but you made an accidental mistake that borders on a though-crime.  Our Majesty Hillary will not bring in a dictatorship, but liberate us from Bush, the Kapitalist, and do away with their oil and profits by giving us ration coupons for Pixy Jucie ™
 

Red, do not forget that Nansky has sucked down all the Magic Pixie Juice. Well, there are a few hundred thousand gallons that she and Teddy have secreted away, but that's it, folks, that's it. And what's worse, they've renamed that excellent Bombay Sapphire gin Mumbai Non-Conflict Workers' Collective Natural Fiber Processing Facility Water.

Kommissar Vodkov, Dr. Amin and I are collaborating on a cookbook, How to Serve Your Fellow Man and Dear Leader has offered 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog. And I am only brave enough to offer these cookbook titles because I've laid in enough supplied at Rancho del Rio Grande del Teocrito to lie low until the memory of that passes.
 

Nancy, Nancy! Where are you, bitch? You were supposed to get me drunk tonight. And last night too, I think, but I'm a little fuzzy about that you know. I'm running low on fuel, Nancy, and you don't know how hard it is these days to run after those sweet little things with Chris Dodd if you're running low on fuel.

And Hill dear, how do you keep people from following you? That bitch Obamarama told me that he'd  hired goon squads but they kept getting dead...damn where is that Pinch? Geddit? Pinch..falls down...

...uh, where was I? Oh my god, I'm bleeding! My face is red. Chris? Look at me! I'm bleeding to death?

Oh, you're right, Chris; I don't have any more blood, I told it to Hillary and had it replaced by Scotch.

...Anyway, Hill, these people from the National Liver Foundation keep following me around wanting me to donate my liver to science. I'd have one of my nephews take the male one skiing, and the female one, she's kind of hot, I'd get my nephew Bill Smith to take her out, but they keep sneaking joy juice past my minders. You know, those people who think that I have to be coherent when I give a speech. But.

What was I saying?...thud and passes out.
 

Ted, shut the hell up, alright hun? I mean, here you are giving me hell ON *ME* AND *HILL'S* WEBSITE about getting wasted with you or some crap like that for Stalin's sake! Uggh, you would think you can at least grace us with your classic Bahston accent and, and, and.... just shut the hell up! Joe baby eating Stalin! It is freakin' hot in here! Ugh, someone set the AC down to thirty, I'm having a hot flash! Uggghhhhh, you don't even have an avatar! GET A DAMN AVATAR! I WANT TO SEE YOUR FAT DRUNKEN FACE WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU! Dammit... I just pissed my pants again. Where is Lupe!? LUPE! MY DIAPER NEEDS CHANGING! Cheezus H. Crust.... now my Blackberry is soaking wet and everything... dammit. Bonnie Fwank is going to give me crap over this one... OH! OH! OH! Talking Heads is playing! Burning down the house! Hold tight, wait till the Party is over! *My* house, dun wan hurt nobody... dammit can't keep up!

Comrade Space Dog, I want this to be my *official* theme song! I'M BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE, DAMMIT! MY HOUSE, DAMMIT! IT'S ALL MINE! MINE! MINE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! <cough><cough>
 

Senator, we are honored by your presence. I have just been reading of some of your finer work and I stand in awe of you. You have showed me the way to a True Progressive Society, where the true members can do what they want when they want how they want, and sleep it off and call the right people, money changes hands, and then go on to become the lion of the Senate! How cool is that? That's a truckload of iPhones cool. That's a stadium of dead rich white Republican babies cool! Man, you almost make me change my luck so I could murder a girl too.

Empress, I don't mean you, of course. You're not a girl, anyone can see that. You're a womyn, a full-bodied, sensual woman, every man's wet dream...Meow, throw up in that trash can and stop that retching, she'll turn us into stone if she hears that...Empress, your sexuality, yes, sexuality, your embrace of Mother Earth, your very Gaia-ness makes me tremble in my Guccis.

Ted, pour Nansky another bucketful of rotgut; the bitch is so sloshed that she'd drink lighter fluid. Hey! Bruno, where is that stuff the red Chinese put in the dogfood? We need to move that and Nansky's already a toxic-waste dump. Bring it.

Quit sassing me, you BEQ! I'll make you listen to Streisand. Yes, I will. You wondered why I had a lock on the outside of Meow's, er, the Presidential Suite installed, along with those B&W speakers and the soundproofing? Don't give me any lip, bitch, or you'll be strapped to that bed listening to "Memories" a thousand times.

Oh. Decided to get with the program? Well, that's a good boy. Put on your dog collar, the one that John Edwards sent you. If you're real nice I'll let you look at the Mapplethorpe pictures and give you your bullwhip.
 

Ah, Nancy, I am always obedient to you and wait on your every word, and I tried to get my avatar. It's a rather fetching picture taken by a sponsor and I tried to upload it but they tell me that the file can be only 6K. Now I ask you, is that any way to talk to the Lion of the Senate? And Photoshop CS3, which I bought with campaign contributions, says the image is 5.8K, but the file size on the Mac is 76K and the website chokes like Hillary on a real one.
 

Cease, comrades, cease for Lenin's sake!  This topic is not only an affront to the goddess Hillary, but to all women!  My wife is angry, my mother aghast, my sisters in law are joining al-Qaeda and moving to France!

When the inevitable liberation occurs for the Western Hemisphere in General, America in Particular in '08, how many of you will be risking brake failures and mysterious suicides with somebody else's gun with mismatched serial numbers!?
 

Comrades! This thread is rampant with Thought Crime! I don't know what her Excellency Hillary would do if she saw this. She would no doubt order purges. Make sure you have your warm clothes ready because the NKVD will knock on your door soon, and they don't fuck around with thought criminals! I suspect there are KKKapitalist agents here inciting subversive behavior, probably sent by $Bush$ himself, the Antichrist.

Wait...what was that? Antichrist? I have committed a thought crime myself. I mentioned a figure from the Bible, the Handbook of Western Chauvinism. I must purge myself or at least whip myself for an hour or so. If Antichrist in fact exists, he would be on our side, battling the subversive forces of Christianity. And I said $Bush$ was Antichrist? Our ally? More lashes! I'm loosing my mind. Thinking not approved by the Party is not allowed. I should have known better.
 

You better believe the Anti-Christ is on our side, Vodkov! Last time I checked, I think Ahmadinejad was trying to pull him (or her!!!) up out of a well... the twelfth Imam or some foolishness like that.

Theocritus, please stop... If I puke again I fear I might become dehydrated... Oh Lenin! Err..err..errr..errrrr... blaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh... <spit>.... Uggh, I think I'm sick again hearing about Her Excellency being se...xy...blllaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh... <spit> Ugghh, no more! No more! Blllaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... <spit> Uggh, soft-money, bring me some soft-money to calm my nerves! Oh Stalin! errr....errrr.... bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh.... Ugh <passes out>
 

Here Chairman!  Your emergency stash! <Trips over vodka bottles> Oh $&%@!  I cut myself!  Quick!  Someone get me to a hospital in Canada!  Guess the Chairman wont be needed this cash <stuffs it in pocket as he is being put up on stretcher>  Oh!  The pain!
 

Meow, I do apologize for how graphic that must have seemed. But you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. You may think that I have an easy job of it, but I don't. Our Many Titted Empress has particular torments for me but I cannot tell if she knows what she is doing.

Once, at Rancho del Rio Grande de Teocrito, she was lying by the pool on a chaise longue, taking the sun and it was burning her fair skin. This would not do of course to be that fish-belly white for how could she pull off an urban accent at the next AME meeting if it looked as though she should fear lobster butter?

She bellowed, er, called to me in dulcet tones, "Theocritus, bring me that Lancome I had made with the Paris Hilton's abortions. And don't give me that shit about it making me stupid, you silly queer. You know that I am the smartest person in the history of the world. You know that every morning I get questions from god in the corn flakes in my feeding trough. You know how Jesus relies on me, and every night Einstein, Spinoza and Newton get together in the privacy of my room and massage my trotters, er, feet while Bach and Mozart fight over the honor to play for me.

"So don't worry about me getting stupid if I just rub some of Hilton's abortions on my skin."

And then our Empress, with a rolling heave of her mighty shoulder muscles, grown great from charging across the White House Law, her hooves leaving divots, trying to get back in, popped her four bra straps and let the eight girls break free and fall onto the floor.

Then she lay back, and made me arrange her tits, four on the left, four on the right, and I had to massage the abortion cream on them, and then roll them up and tuck them back into her bras. And then she murmured, drowsy in the Texas sun, that she was going to play with Mr. Reno and needed to get cleaned up down there.

Meow, I passed out. I thought that I could stand anything, anything. I've seen Nazi films of concentration camps. I've even watched Ronald Reagan's speeches! Oh, the humynity! The humynity! He cost us the motherland, you know. But I need to be strong for the Party and so I watched them. I even said, "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" along with him, knowing that after that I could lie, er, be economical with the truth about anything.

But when Our Empress wanted me to use a power washer filled with Varsol on her nether regions and then opened them up, I felt dizzy. I had just seen the evening bat flight from Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico, and when she opened her huge, squamous legs and suddenly k d lang sounded as thought she had antiphonal brass while singing, "My Chatelaine," I passed out.
 

Oldie but goldie



My other cartoons >>
 

What an excellent cobbler Our Empress has, to disguise her hooves so. However, I worry that she may never lead us for I do not think that Bill's ego will permit her to sit in the Oval Office, and that he will sabotage her.
 

Maybe she shall try a taco eating contest next time.  You know, just for equality.  After all, wieners are no better than tacos.
 

It is entirely possible that she meant to eat a taco while tête-à-tête with Mr. Reno and found that Mr. Reno was differently accoutered. And who knows? She may now be entirely used to wieners but those by Doc Johnson which are suddenly all the rage.

In fact, Manolo Blahnik has come out with a line of strap-on straps made of the skins of endangered animals, or rich white Republican males from Midland, Texas.
 

Are they only skins, or could one get one made of white Siberian Tiger fur?
 

I am told that the hottest one is a bespoke strap-on strap made of the plentiful hair of JFK Jr., who, as he was the only reputable Kennedy, and drop-dead handsome to boot, and intelligent, important in that order to the goggling public. I have heard on the grapevine that Our Empress sabotaged his plane, knowing that he was everything that she was not. In other words, even Republicans didn't want to puke.

A really cheap one is made of the skin of a mole rat, and when that is extinct, Senator Patrick Leahy.
 

Quote:

A really cheap one is made of the skin of a mole rat, and when that is extinct, Senator Patrick Leahy.


Why make one out of the skin of a mole rat when the mole rat itself is good enough already?
 

The problem with strapping a dildo onto Pat Leahy is that you would make a double-headed dildo.

Which might just be the ticket for Our Empress and Mr. Reno. Or by strapping on a double-headed dong you'd have a triple threat and that might be pleasurable for Our Empress, Mr. Reno, and Rosie.
 

I happened to come by the male version of the Hildo While playing Ratchet and Clank Going Commando.

It doesn’t show up until the end of the video.



 

Comedy Central's Drawn Together has a superhero much the same--huge, muscular, stupid, and less inhibited by being in a children's format. The over-muscled moron superhero who is so dim (confident?) that he lets his desire to be be buggered known. Then there is South Park's Lucifer who is attracted to Saddam Hussein, who he knows is a nasty rat, but it is explained by Saddam saying, "Come on Lucifer. You know nobody can pound your red ass like me."

But I balance this against the idea of a man pronging say Our Empress, grown so great that it is entirely possible that he might spend himself in a collop. Or worse, find the real thing.

Now that can't be nice, and that just not because of my orientation.
 

I remember one episode of Drawn Together where that guy finds out that he screwed his sister without knowing it, and she gave birth to a giant inbred alien retard.  They trained him in heating/air-conditioning repair.
 

I recall that one. I am still waiting thought for an explanation of Chelsea. The best that I can figure is that H8 sat on a wet spot in Bill's bed while a bimbo was hiding in the closet. That, mixed with the lube and other play things might explain her.
 

Deformation by sex toy mutation.  What a curse Darwin has put on such a sweet little girl.

<stifled laughter>
 

Think Damien. Any day I expect to see her surrounded by a spooky Brit nanny and Rottweilers.
 

I saw parts of that movie.  It was weird with the ironing and baby part.
 

My family saw that in 1974 when it first came out, on vacation in Arizona, perhaps the only time that we ever went to a movie. Close family not needing outside entertainment. I was just out of my freshman year of Rice.

Mom on exiting said of the Damien. "Look at all that hair. Looks like a little Kennedy."

She never railed or bitched or swore but on morphine just before her death just before the election of HillBilly in 1992, she saw H8 on television and not knowing I was behind her, her mind clouded by morphine, said, "I hate that bitch."

Jesse Jackson was once railing "he impugned my integrity."

"He didn't know he had any until he stepped in it on the floor."

Never underestimate the ability of a Texas woman to deflate.
 

I'm sure if we were to go through Bobby Jr's hair we would find 666 tatooed somewhere... either that or a prescription for Valium.
 

I do not follow news as much as I did before; a year ago was one of utter re-evaluation of my life, and I determined that if there was nothing that I could do, or if what I could do was not worth the price to do it, I would forget it, not hold myself hostage to it, and turn up the Mozart. And have a laugh at the expense of popinjays, punchinellos, jackanapes, and the strutting monsters of vanity that we see in the world.

And having done that, retreating into Mozart. I recommend as the single finest collection not Beethoven's symphonies, nor Mozart's. Not Beethoven's piano sonatas, the piano trios, or even the Brandenbergs by Bach, but Mozart's 27 piano concerti. #20, K266, in d minor, and I recommend the Uchida version (Philips) is quite simply perfect.
 

I usually find that binge gaming helps more than musik.  Unless it's 12:00 midnight and you're playing F.E.A.R.  Then you will just end up paranoid with your butt cheeks clenched hard enough to crush steel until the sun comes up.

By the way, has anyone else seen the new trailer for Killzone 2?  I know it's a little off topic, but I can't get the awesomeness of it out of my head!!!!
 

That proves you are young enough to have reflexes. I've never understood games or gaming of any sort. I've nothing against it; I know I stand athwart the majority of humanity. But for sports? Who cares? The ball goes out the same door it comes in. Buy another ball if you want one. And why brag about carrying a ball? Cracking the human genome, that's important. Moving 16 oz or so of inflated pigskin?

And once you get past the jaw-dropping graphics (I was in college when Pong came out), you're matching wits with a machine that you buy, and learn nothing from it nor achieve anything.

But 90% of the people whom I respect feel differently. Perhaps this is because of an extreme practicality in my nature. Once, in about 1984, I was mocking scented, printed toilet paper, and said, "Why do that? You know what you're going to do with it, and where it goes afterward."

An unanswerable argument, but not a compelling one. Craig, a CPA, said, "Theocritus, you're a bottom-line sort of guy." Well, yes.

The effects of Brazil, the 80s movie by Terry Gilliam are good, but someone said, accurately, that you felt that, if you went through a door in the set, you'd find more of the same. It's a very black comedy, just barely a comedy, of a totalitarian dystopia.
 

There was an article in Popular Science last month that said video games greatly improve hand-eye coordination.  There was a study that showed that surgeons who played video games were much better at their job than those who didn't.  Video games were also recommended for older people because it can improve their reaction time and help them to overcome the effects of poor driving skillz.

Also, Video games are greatly responsible for the advances in computer technology.  Graphics, and high speed computing are mostly driven by gaming, and CAD drafting.

And I don't really care about professional sports that much either.
 

I am not criticizing or finding fault and I believe utterly that they do increase hand-eye coordination, but that is a practical justification, one of exercise. You need no justification if you enjoy this utterly harmless hobby.

But yes, it's therapy. In 1995 in my first tango with death, I was in a coma for 5 weeks from sepsis and in the last stages the body shuts down blood to the extremities to keep it in the core for sepsis relaxes the capillaries utterly. I had no blood pressure or pulse, I'm told, for hours.

Seven weeks later, recuperating, I had the lovely experience of having to learn to sit, breathe (you forget with a ventilator), walk, move the legs, and move the hands. At first I could only use them like lobster claws, and I had to learn to type, again. My business was a family one and I learned to type by typing legal instruments in the 70s by typing 8/24 for summers, and could type at perhaps 120 wpm.

Very disconcerting to get to 10 wpm. But I recovered. It took years to be able to button a shirt cuff. I still have no feeling in my feet, which means that I have an automatic Acura TL instead of the 6-speed I coveted, but that's okay because I can't feel gout. If you have had gout, and at your age you won't, you'll gladly make the tradeoff.

And there is no doubt that video games are responsible for the advances in computer technology; many things we have come from similar spin offs. Beta is a superior format to VHS, (about 60 lines more)but Sony stubbornly refused to go past 90 minutes, the the real reason we have, or had, VHS is that the porn producers settled on it.

Also the reason that you and I are typing now is that people saw the smut potential of the internet. Sex sells.

And I'll make a prediction. YouTube will be a force for more high-speed internet, especially since Apple TV now has (part) of it, and 60" YouTube is almost watchable. But a 1.5mb/s DSL, operating at perhaps half that, is simply not enough bandwidth for even 480 x 640 video, standard DVD.

And let us not forget that other technology can be used. The surface material of the Reno attachment to the Hildo Hydra 7.3 is currently being used by Boeing on is Space Plane's nose cone and belly to resist atmospheric heating.
 

Damn!

That must have sucked.

Speaking of YouTube, and video games, I finally found the trailer for Killzone 2.  I thought I'd post it because I'm a jerk like that.


 

I'd have killed for that 25 years ago. My then-best friend was Ron, who was nearly identical to me in every way except he's straight; I'd pass him women who saw me as being stable and well-heeled, and 6' tall, and he is cute and 5' 7" and men would be interested in him.

We were both single, and we'd make brownies and see good bad movies, like Golan Globus, and remember, or you don't, that in the early 80s I was making a living programming IBM machines with 1/1,000,000 the power of the 17" MacBook pro sitting in my lap. The visuals were not nearly enough. When we could find blotter or barrel acid, we'd rent videos--Beta--and watch them on my 25" Sony XBR television, which was state of the art then.

This was very entertaining indeed, and how much I would have loved all this technology.

Now, twice as old, I have all sorts of Macs and a 60" Sony XBRD television, and have you seen the iTunes Visualizer? It's not bad at all and I've not watched it long, for there's not much eye candy even on the 24" iMac in the office, but when I move to Vita Nova, I can connect them. And I'd kill for some television helper for that. Have to get out the old 80s music which was rite-of-passage music for me; Ron would shag women and tell me about it, and I'd shag men and tell him about it, and his girlfriend was W.'s secretary, using software I wrote. No kidding, but he was just George then, the frat boy. And frankly an asshole from Hahvard and I was an obnoxious geek from Rice. But learned to get along.

And television helper with Blu-ray? I have in this room alone four B&W 801 speakers and the HTM-1 Nautilus center speaker, and the ASW-3000 (?) Nautilus subwoofer, and when I get to Vita Nova, I'll have plugs for the two GFA 7705 200Wx5 amps, giving me, with the subwoofer, 5000W. No, it won't be that loud, but you really do need that much power even for Kathleen Battle singing Mozart arias if you don't want transient-intermodulation distortion.

You ought to see VN. I've put in 3 20A circuits, 1 15A circuit, two HDMI cables, 4 CAT-6 cables, with no plans for them but you can pack a lot of data down them. 801.11(n) WiFi; the Apple Airport Extreme, horrible name, really is as good as they say, and it is my hope that all the electronics will divert Laurie David's Gulfstream south to Texas where I'll shoot it down with the railgun that GE developed for Star Wars and that I got a special price on for having GE stock.
 

Is the rail gun that GE developed better than the one Britain developed?  I know that in one test they pointed it over the ocean and fired.  Just too see how far it would go.  It ended up landing 2 miles away from New York, but I haven't heard much about the ones developed by the U.S.
 

Got me. If my oil wells come in, I'm going to built a 199' tower (200' means FAA regulations) and shoot low-riders infecting the neighborhood with hip-hop. Even where I'm moving, which is the nicest neighborhood in Culo del Pecos, which is like being the best ski-jumper in Jamaica. I think that I'll do it to Wagner; it is my civic duty to rehabilitate him for after all, he was Der Führer's favorite composer.

And just think of those Viking heroines with their breast plates. Can't let Meow know though; it would make him pine for Helen, his trashy toaster ex-wife. Who, I hear, has been seen cooking Michael Moore's pop tarts. Well that's what she signed on for but I hear she's been forced to things that even Our Empress would blench over.

But if that's what it takes for The People's Leni Riefenstahl to be happy, then so be it.
 

You need to be careful with that rail gun.  It could go straight through the low rider, and break through the crust of the earth creating another volcano.  Unless that's what your goal was....
 

Good idea. Can't have that. It might go through the oceans of gas that it seems we're sitting on in the Wolfcamp and Barnett Shale formations. Normally I'd be all for that, for nothing like a good panic, you know, back to burning dried cow turds, cholera-infested water, typhus, all the good old four Horsemen, to give a good soapbox orator a purchase, and I know just who the orator might be. The computer I'm now typing on is Demosthenes.

And so I could lead them to the Worker's Paradise. But no, I can't do that for I have inherited a 1/8 revenue interest in 1200 acres and I plan on it to build barracks for the wetbacks to do the tile work at Rancho del Teocrito now that that damned fat Rush and his talk-radio people, who must be sent to the wall, caused 18 Senators to flip-flop on the Wetback Amnesty Bill.

Betty, what am I going to do without people to beat up on?

And damn it, why doesn't someone dynamite those private schools? They're more dangerous than any number of 747-riding Muslims, for if the proles learn to think, then where are we? Keep 'em fat and stupid and resentful, that's my motto.

Why won't Michael Moore tone it down for just a few more years?
 

Quote:

Betty, what am I going to do without people to beat up on?


Two words: "Crush Flicks".

Although that does seem more like the Chairman's type of thing.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Got me. If my oil wells come in, I'm going to built a 199' tower (200' means FAA regulations) and shoot low-riders infecting the neighborhood with hip-hop. Even where I'm moving, which is the nicest neighborhood in Culo del Pecos, which is like being the best ski-jumper in Jamaica. I think that I'll do it to Wagner; it is my civic duty to rehabilitate him for after all, he was Der Führer's favorite composer.

And just think of those Viking heroines with their breast plates. Can't let Meow know though; it would make him pine for Helen, his trashy toaster ex-wife. Who, I hear, has been seen cooking Michael Moore's pop tarts. Well that's what she signed on for but I hear she's been forced to things that even Our Empress would blench over.

But if that's what it takes for The People's Leni Riefenstahl to be happy, then so be it.
 

Meow, uh, so glad to see you! Long time! I, uh, thought that, uh, you'd gone away...Lupe, didn't Hill tell us that things were taken care of? I'm sure she did.

..Oh. You're right. She lies. She said she was a woman. Good point...

Chairman M. S. Punchenko put it all behind you. Helen is paying for her wanton ways, and will look on her plugged-in time with you as edenic. But you cannot say that the warning label was inaccurate for she was, after all, AC.
 

You found Helen.... You gave Helen to that fat monster.... YOU GLITTER SLUT! How could you do that to *me* of all people!? Ugh, now Helen's lawyer will be looking for me to collect that alimony! Mmm, I had that little chrome whore tossed into the Potomac along with a rather tart blender and now this happens, now I have to pay the whore after we legalized Appliance Marriages. Well this is just great! You know, I had my week all planned out before you screwed it up, Theocritus! Yes, I was going to fly to LA and be photographed with other celebrities and *important* people while greeting Victoria and David Beckham's arrival to this Lenin forsaken country! But noooooo, someone had to go out and dig up my dirty Appliances!!!

Theorcritus, I am very angry at you and will write a non-binding angry letter to you explaining just how angry I am with you!
 

Meow, settle down. I'm sorry that you feel that way (but not at all sorry about what I did. I learned that trick years ago.) Now I was trying to punish Helen; I really didn't think that being Michael Moore's toaster would augur for a good and long appliance life; after all, she was popping more loads than Bill Clinton on the Astroturf in the back of his pick-up while he was in high school with access to Hugh Hefner's Grotto and the Mustang Ranch.

I recommend that you take a few stiff drinks:  Mumbai Non Conflict Sapphire and Anopheles Mosquito vector-borne illness agent with a twist of lime from a commune.
 

Anopheles Mosquito vector-borne illness martinis are so last year, Theocritus. Really, you should keep up with what is fashionable in progressive circles. Everyone knows that a Fecal TB Polonium 210 daiquiri is hot right now; all the kids are doing it (because we tell them to do it). Good Stalin, man! GET WITH THE TIMES ALREADY! (and if you haven't maybe you should renew your subscription).
 

Why would I pay to get the Times when they pay me for progressive thought? Old Pinch Sulzberger can't wipe his ass, and what an ass, until I tell him to pick up the toilet paper.

But I've found a new source of revenue. I was at the local 7-Eleven clone yesterday and saw a dumb-bell shaped piece of soft rubber and I thought I knew what it was but asked the clerk. She told me it was for children to put into the eyes of shoes, and it cost $2.99. This town is in the poverty zone, with over half of school children qualifying for reduce-price or free lunches. And they have $2.99 plus 8.25% sales tax to put a 1c piece of rubber in a shoe, which will be lost in one day.

We have no worries about intelligence raising its head. But I see a great recruiting ground for the DNC.
 

Commissar Theocritus

I was at the local 7-Eleven clone yesterday and saw a dumb-bell shaped piece of soft rubber and I thought I knew what it was but asked the clerk. She told me it was for children to put into the eyes of shoes, and it cost $2.99. This town is in the poverty zone, with over half of school children qualifying for reduce-price or free lunches. And they have $2.99 plus 8.25% sales tax to put a 1c piece of rubber in a shoe, which will be lost in one day.

This is most distressing to read Commissar friend.... Why on Lenin's Tomb were you in such an area where you were forced to be exposed to the sight of such worthless proles? You are of too much value to the Party to take chance on being put into a foul mood by witnessing their plight that they brought on themselves.
 

Comrade Pupovich

This is most distressing to read Commissar friend.... Why on Lenin's Tomb were you in such an area where you were forced to be exposed to the sight of such worthless proles? You are of too much value to the Party to take chance on being put into a foul mood by witnessing their plight that they brought on themselves.
Research, Comrade, research. I must ensure good breeding stock. And anyway I blush to say that I enjoy slumming. It's good for cocktail parties on the Upper East Side, while we drink Kristal and mock the Bushitler.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Research, Comrade, research. I must ensure good breeding stock.

The Pup is humbled by your dedication! It is no wonder you have seen such a meteoric rise in the Party. I can only hope that one day I too will be found to have traits worthy of promotion.
 

Oh, Commissar Pupovich, you will, you will. Remember two things. Always say it's For The People. But never forget, It's For You.

That's it. Really simple.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Oh, Commissar Pupovich, you will, you will. Remember two things. Always say it's For The People. But never forget, It's For You.

That's it. Really simple.

This is a lesson I have really taken to heart, For the Peoples Good of course. For I know the higher I rise in the Party, the more I can do for the proles... and of course, the more they can do for me!
 

Yes, Commissar. It is their joy to serve the Party. In fact I'm breeding people to serve the party, and I'm employing the bests minds of the National Education Agency to insure that I do. So far my schools at Rancho del Rio Grande reject utterly whether an answer is factually right or wrong, but insist that it meet party standards. Since reality will not be denied, I take the smartest child in the school and make it the goat, whipping it and making it fill in for the screw-ups. When that child eventually kills itself, when I choose the next one.

It is my hope that soon everyone will know nothing, be utterly incapable of reason, and judge everything by a purely emotional reaction planted in their brains by conditioning.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Yes, Commissar. It is their joy to serve the Party. In fact I'm breeding people to serve the party, and I'm employing the bests minds of the National Education Agency to insure that I do. So far my schools at Rancho del Rio Grande reject utterly whether an answer is factually right or wrong, but insist that it meet party standards. Since reality will not be denied...

This nations classrooms has been a great boon for our cause, no doubt about it. Our useful idiots there have been relatively effect in teaching our propaganda even in those rare occasions when there has been some unfortunate lag time between our revision of history and alleged objective facts.

Even, and for obvious reasons I am loathe to quote this hideous lying jackel, but even that worm... I can hardly bear to type his name, so shall I just say his name sounds like someone who has been made ill by too much Solvent Green and has the "trots?" But even that maggot had an occasional moment of lucidity before he went utterly mad and killed himself by falling on an ice pick: "None of us desires or is able to dispute the will of the Party. Clearly, the Party is always right.... We can only be right with and by the Party, for history has provided no other way of being in the right."

Forgive me any distress I may have caused by quoting that rabid dog.
 

The Party is always right but some of the Party Members are more right than others. Success is being more right and fervid in your denunciations, and the benefits that accrue therefrom, and thereby build your base of friends.

Who will help you as you prove that you are more right and correct than the other Party members at which time you are the only one who is right and no one can claim that you are not. For he will die.
 

Commissar Theocritus

The Party is always right but some of the Party Members are more right than others. Success is being more right and fervid in your denunciations, and the benefits that accrue therefrom, and thereby build your base of friends.

Who will help you as you prove that you are more right and correct than the other Party members at which time you are the only one who is right and no one can claim that you are not. For he will die.

I concur completely with your wisdom Commissar, we are indeed the forefront of Social Darwinism!
 

Yes, I like Social Darwinism. It covers up the fact that I intend to do what I goddamned well mean to do. Intellectual cover, you know.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Yes, I like Social Darwinism. It covers up the fact that I intend to do what I goddamned well mean to do. Intellectual cover, you know.

Da, and always maintain plausible deniability! That is one of the Pup's rules that he lives by.
 

Hillary

I slammed those two fisted suckers. Mr. Reno & Monica whatsherface were great coaches.]

Your Highness, I know this is an old thread, but the more I thought about it, with Iowa and New Hampshire coming soon and the recent downturn we have seen in some polling numbers due to some unacceptable screwups on the part of some in the campaign, I felt perhaps we really should not allow any evidence of you ever  coming in third in anything to remain,
 

That photo must be destroyed!  Her Emporessness will lose the Lesbian vote if this gets out.
 

It's the headline that bothers me the most.... Hillary Come in Third... in anything has a seditious ring to it and must be "revised,"
 

Quote:

It's the headline that bothers me the most.... Hillary Come in Third... in anything has a seditious ring to it and must be "revised,"



How about

"Beloved heroine of the oppressed masses finishes first among womyn competing in a male-dominated sport"?
 

I think that is a perfect headline, We must get Pravda to correct this immediately/
 

Oh, for the love of Lenin!  Am I the only one who ever notices the obvious around here?  Why do I always have to be the one to point out that the Emperor is naked and his thing is showing--or in this case, the Empress's wienie?  

She DID win that contest, fair and square and equally.  Victory was stolen from her by the fascist, right-leaning Supreme Court that illegally stopped any recounts.  There was plenty of "bun stuffing" going on by the VRWC, tampering with the wienie roasters (made by Diebold), etc.    

Oh, I'm so sick of guys piling up on her just because she's a woman, and thinking they can make her look weak by making her do "guy things"--things women don't usually do--like scarfing down hot dogs and belching publicly and giving clear, direct answers to simple questions.  That only goes to show how threatened they are by her.
     
You don't see Our Empress so threatened by them, that she has to challenge them to do gurly things like bikini waxes, or watching Beaches or Terms of Endearment without gagging, rolling their eyes, falling asleep, or asking, "Can I at least pause the movie for ten seconds to check the football scores?"
 

Commissarka Pinkie

Oh, for the love of Lenin!  Am I the only one who ever notices the obvious around here?  Why do I always have to be the one to point out that the Emperor is naked and his thing is showing--or in this case, the Empress's wienie?  

Commissarka Pinkie, I am surprised and a bit disturbed by your comments. Clearly we were not disputing the Empress' victory, That is beyond question. My concern is that we have a headline here proclaiming the lie that she came in third. When we here at the Cube, the source of all wisdom and truth, let stand a headline that is a lie, then are we any better than the VRWC?

What if someone was to Google "hillary comes in third in hot dog" ??? Try it Commissarka.... guess what comes up first on Google! Young, malleable minds could be led into thought crime. It is this headline and any comments that would foster this image that must be managed.

Do you realize that when I receive notice of a reply to this thread, my email shows "Topic Reply Notification - Hillary Comes in Third,,,, and nothing more! Do you understand the upset this causes me to see such a thing? Oh, I need a drink!
 

Pupovich, the totally inaccurate story with that obscene headline is obviously a plant, but I can assure you this matter would be news to Our Glorious Leader Red Square, and that he would neither approve of it, nor tolerate it.  Don't forget--he's The Smartest Square in the World.

Everything clear now?  Good!