Human rights group, Human Rights Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism and bigotry" that came from an English journalist Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced Al Qaeda video.

The official transcript of the tape attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Western religions, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement, which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing for HRRTM Sarah Fulano.

"An accepted definition of hate speech includes anything that inflames delicate sensibilities and points out the differences between the Western world and the little-understood culture of al-Qaeda fighters with their time-honored tradition of super-appendage mutilation," explained Ms. Fulano in an answer to a Fox News reporter. "Try to think rationally for a change, and you will see why the beheading itself is not hate speech while an objection to it definitely is."A reaction to this gruesome discovery was a series of condemnations throughout Europe.

"Joe Snuffy is an embarrassment to journalists throughout the world," stated press-release issued by a Paris-based international group Reporters Without Purview.

"We will not have peace in the world as long as Westerners feel free to insult other peoples' cultural expressions," said British Foreign Secretary Eugene McFulane in an official statement as British parliamentarians called for stricter hate speech laws.

British MPs are currently working on a new bill that will require all non-Muslim children to undergo sensitivity shock therapy. The revolutionary new treatment will have children fastened to specially wired chairs and shown pictures of ethnic representatives around the world engaged in various activities, from banking to upper extremity removals. Shocks would be administered until the subject reacts equally to all activities.

In the United States, the most notable reaction came from former Vice President Al Gore, in a speech before the Committee for Low Ocean Levels (CLOL). "Is it any wonder why people hate the United States and George Bush? When he heats up the rhetorical environment as much as the Earth climate, he builds more than CO2 levels, he builds resentment," Gore said.

When reminded that the journalist was a Brit, Gore responded, "To them, every Western head they remove is Bush's head. And who can blame them? Not me. "

* * *
This news story is based on a submission from Nelson Guirado (Funnimetric) who is also known in the Party's Inner Circle as Comrade Chad.

Kilroy was here.

So was Kilinfidel, Kiljew, Kilchristian, Kilgay, Kilhindu, Kilbuddhist, Kilshia, and Kilsunni.

Joe Snuffy....lol

Mr. Snuffy had it coming; being a Westerner alone is grounds for permanent removal. However, I would like to petition the Cube as well as proles across the world to use "noggin liberating euthanasia" instead of the sensationalist and propagandistic "beheading" which plagues our institutions of journalism. We need to show Amerikans (and other idiots around the world) that "noggin liberating euthanasia" is not barbaric at all and is instead a cultural norm for the oppressed Peoples of the Middle East.

I suggest we open federally funded Noggin Liberating Euthanasia Sensitivity Workshops and have schools across America teach classes with kids pulling off baby doll heads (this will help get the youngsters acquainted to CHOICE! as well).

How dare they insult them and their religion while they are cutting his head off! Quick! Someone grab his head and body! We can still give him a trial and an execution! Let's also get someone who has had some sensitivity training and send them over there, preferably a white American business man.

Just a reminder, comrades, that one of the correct opinions is that Christians and Muslims believe in the same God. For example, compare the following passages...

But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.

-John 20:31

And the Jews say: Uzair (Ezra) is the son of Allah; and the Christians say: The Messiah is the son of Allah; these are the words of their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved before; may Allah destroy them; how they are turned away!

-Sura 9:30

See? Indistinguishable! Well, except for the fact that the quotation from John constitutes hate speech while the passage from the Koran constitutes free speech.

When do we get the full transcript of what they were saying?

Betty?! Have you no faith in the party? Don't you know that they will tell you what is good for you to hear and what is not?

Yes, but being Premier I would have assumed that the rules don't apply to me. Are you saying they do, because I could never live like that.

Um, I don't know. Maybe after her majesty is done taking pictures and spamming them on the site, we will ask her.

Sounds gewd to me.

Speaking of Human Rights, I think we should have a chat with Mr. Michael Moore about going around telling folks that Al-Qaeda terrorist recieve better healthcare at Gitmo than the average American citizen. This revealation will disrupt our constant lie that conditions there are unbearable and inadequate for human standards.

A purge may be in order here... this man is slowly losing his usefulness.

Just dress him up in a chicken suit and make a child-friendly mascot/TV character out of him. That should keep him busy while we prepare a scandal that will ruin his career leading him to become lonely and miserable before dying of a OD on bacon grease.

RedtheProgressiveFox wrote:How dare they insult them and their religion while they are cutting his head off! ... Let's also get someone who has had some sensitivity training and send them over there, preferably a white American business man.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I think we should have a chat with Mr. Michael Moore about going around telling folks that Al-Qaeda terrorist recieve better healthcare at Gitmo than the average American citizen. ... this man is slowly losing his usefulness.

Am I the only one who thinks that the logic here suggests sending Mr. Michael Moore to negotiate with al-Qaeda in Iraq? He can use Hillary's approach: "Let's chat, let's talk." I'm sure it'll work out just great for all the parties involved.

Of course they'll send him back because...

a) he's one of their most useful idiots
b) it's too much effort to hack through his fat neck

It is possible to hack through that fat idiot's (Michael Moore's, not Rosie's) neck. They could take the turbodiesel out of an older model Hildo 7.0 and attach it to a wire band saw that has encrusted bits of tungsten carbide fused to the wire blade. It will take several hours, but I will do the job.

We need to be thinking about how to solve "interesting" problems like this when that glorious day comes where we The Party™ are in control. And, therefore, it will be time to purge the useful idiots like Michael Moose and Rosie O'Dykell.

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev

Why purge them, comrades? After all it's heavy lifting to get people to that point of fame. You seem to forget the difficulty of working with the truly demented--you lower your expectations to nothing and still they amaze with their creativity.

Judy Wallace wrote:Never argue with an idiot for he'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Also let's not forget that Michael Moore and Rosie perform the valuable service of eating food that would poison a dump.

So in their case the phrase "Garbage disposals have feelings too, you know." would actually have merit!

Excellent commentary, everyone! You are all doing a marvelous job <rolls eyes>.

Alright, I want everyone to stop talking about this loser who got his head sawed off and start worrying about the REAL problems that are facing our country, for instance: I want everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, to start thinking of ways we can get these terrorist or whatever they call themselves these days OFF THE NEWS.

Joe gerbil stuffing Stalin, we just bought the Amnesty Bill, people! GET WITH THE DAMN PROGRAM AND THINK!

BTW - I can't make out your avatar, Blogunov. What is it?

I've got it! We can have Paris Hilton wake up dead in Michael Moore's bed! With his head up Richard Gere's ass! Fondly going where every thing has gone before!

Oh, no, Nansky, sorry. I see what you mean. Entirely too believable. What about this?

The New York Times wrote:President George W. Bush looked funny at a puppy in 1972. Al Sharpton addresses crowd of one million men about President Bush's hate-puppy crime, saying it is proof that President Bush did not pay attention to weapon information in Iraq because he was consulting with Nieman Marcus about the size and position of the diamonds to be sewn on his Klan robe.

In a related event, at a gathering at Lilith Fair, Rosie O'Donnell mounts the stand and gives a 30-minute oration, and ends with a chant

Rosie O'Donnell wrote:I'm hungry and my snatch hurts

which the crowd repeats. The dancing Rosie O'Donnell causes the stand to collapse beneath her and she and Bill Maher lead a march to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to demand that President Bush do something about her painful bush.

I know Katie Couric would believe that one and while reporting on it would squirm in her chair, making wet, sucking noises, just as she did when interviewing Bill Clinton in 1992.

And Betty, we have, in our enlightened plane, all agreed that appliances have feelings--recall Meow's popup tart wife, the toaster Helen? I hear he is absent owing to a recurring bout of separation anxiety. Meow, god love him, hasn't quite figured out that the Party doesn't have feelings. Only lusts and desires.

Oops. I forgot. I just hope no one tries to share in those feelings. I think there was a Darwin Award about that once....

Nancy wrote:BTW - I can't make out your avatar, Blogunov. What is it?

It's inspired by the worker and farmer statue (scroll down a bit), except the keyboard is in place of the hammer held by the worker. It's a reminder to our struggling cyber-comrades that with the hammer of our blog we shall prevail in the inevitable revolution!

Genius!

Alright... Mama nanncy a lil drunk tonight <burrrrrruuuupppp> ahhh, goo scotch, goo scotch... Uhhh, Theocritus, come ova here and help Mama nanners get this bra off for ga sake... ahhh, I know eeryone out here and and ova there are wondering what.. uhh...what we are gunna do in uhh 08. Ummm... I dun know. Ha ha ha ha! Mmm, mmm, this scotch right here needs som more damn ice! Lupe, I need som more ice, babbby doll. Get me som more ice, i luv you Lupe. You know that you are a ... good grl hwen I'm not smackin you around and and why is my bra still on, ga help me, damn, Theocritus, I thought I tol you an hour ago to help mama nanners get this damn contraption off of me, dun worry, its velcro, i know u don have any experience in ladies undergarments, uhhhhh, hooks might mess u up maaaan.

Where is hill at? Where is my little snukum britches at?? <burrrrrrruuupppp> ahh. Mmm, where is the scotch dammit... mor scotch dammit... I need mo...scotch <yawn> Zzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzz ZZZZzzzz

Nyaaaah! I'm blind! I'm blind! Bruno! Where are you, Bruno? Bruno! Bruno! That woman is shaking her withered boobs at me!

I didn't do anything to deserve this. Oh, I stole a few billion and went a week without telling the truth, but that's nothing to what Our Many Titted Empress has done.

Bruno! Bruno! Bring me a gallon of the Bombay Sapphire!

Someone get an eye surgeon quick!

Just breathe Theo, just try to breathe, and will somebody put a towel or something over that festering pile of lard! Tell me when it's done because I don't want to look.

Can you hear me Theo? Can you see anything?

Where is Dr. Fuku when you need him?

Thank you Betty; I'm much better now. I just thumbed through some bodybuilding magazines and all those steroid freaks put me on an even keel. After all, what matter if the drugs make their balls shrink and make them break out in enough pimples to make their backs look like pepperoni pizzas?

But the problem was that Bruno was opening a can of tuna for the cat and that smell, along with Nancy's pendulous, withered dugs dragging the ground was what felled me. That that the leer on her face.

My picture of Mao fell to the ground, and you know what a wonderful progressive he was: he thought that if he screwed 1,000 virgins he'd live forever, and his doctor in a kiss-and-tell book said that Mao never washed his privates thinking it would give him immorality.

I'm sure the virgins never forgot it.

You know, that's an idea. If we could get lots of character actors to act like Mao and make the RepubliKKKans copulate with them, it would soften them up for the hard stuff, like H8.

Glad to hear that you're okay.

And it sounds like Mao was one step ahead of Muhammad on the virgin thing. One could always die and go to paradise and get 72 virgins, but why die when you can do 1,000 and live forever! And in your spare time while being immortal, you could screw infinitely more virgins!

Sounds like another great talking point for communism.

But have you seen what Communist virgins look like? I hate to keep harping that things could change your luck, and that of Meow and Zampolit, but it's entirely possible. The female of the species needs more adornment than the male--who watches the shopping networks? Who buys Avon? And despite all that crap about the Metrosexual, who really primps? Women and some gays. Not all; I ought to know.

But I'm getting confused here. When you compare commie babes with Rosie.

Oh. I get it.

Huh? Wha? Uhh, oh, mah mommy bags are draggin' on the damn floor again... <buurrrupppp> Mmm, nother' scotch ova here Bob. I uhhh... I uhhh... I still have these pants on for cryin' out loud. Where theocritus at anyways.. theocritus! theocritus! Come ova here and help mama nappy inch out of these here pants, uhh... <buurrrruppp> no damn wonder i cant get another damn man, got u fairies runnin' all over San Franny <buuurrrrrruppppp> ahh, goo stuff. Betty! Run down to the Exxon and pick up mah stock option and a case of Bud Light for cryin' out loud.... DiFi coming ova here with some military... <buuurrruuup> contracts and that ole' broad only drinks Bud Light freakin' cheap whore! Theocritittys, get ova' here dammit with the vaseline and help me inch out of these damn pants alreeady, for ga sakes, man, get it togetha already and get me anotha scotch too!

hOW BOUT a song evrrybody! Dancing Queen, look at the dancin queen! only 17! jail baiting dancin quee......... Zzzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz

Voulez vous? Nyet, Nyet, a thousand times Nyet!

Nansky, how many times have I told you not to mix Ludes with Scotch? You know that at the best of times you have trouble with syntax, and just what got into you, praising that commie? Sure we all love 'em; I keep a volume of Hobbsbawm under my pillow at night, right next to Ward Churchill. But you can't <i>say</i> it, for God's sake.

And Nansky, I respectfully decline to use my Vaseline on your panties. I have a horrible feeling that if you were denuded, more would fall out than if I took off Bruno's jock strap.

My god! What's that on the floor? <a href="https://www.fistofblog.com/?p=1402">Sootikins</a>? That's it, dinner coming up, and right now....thump...

....Outgoing Party Transmission:
....Party Action Code- 6A-SFCA-Operation SnuffDaBeyotch
....Begin Message:
TO- Comrade Commissar Theocritus, TPC/NFHS
FROM- Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev TPC/MCGI
Subject: Camcorder

All praise be to Lenin!!! This time, the camcorder WORKED!!! I now have the target on tape. I will store the tape in a safe place, should the time come that The Party™ is forced to purge the target. GREAT STALIN'S GHOST, THEO!!! That bitch sure can put away a SHITLOAD of scotch. 12 liters, man!!! 12 LITERS! WTF??? And I am not talking about the cheap shit! She need not worry about liver damage. SHE HAS NO LIVER!!! Never the less... job well done, comrade!!! Mission Accomplished!!!

Blokhayev
...End Message

Zampolit, do not worry about Nansky's liver. Don't you know that stolen things don't harm you in any way? That's why Our Many Titted Empress has paid me to harvest the pituitary glands of virgin girls in an effort for immortality.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:That's why Our Many Titted Empress has paid me to harvest the pituitary glands of virgin girls in an effort for immortality.

Any luck with that?

--

Nah. She just juices them in a Cuisanart with vodka for a Bloody Mary. This gives a new twist to a Virgin Mary.

What bothers me though is when she starts bathing in virgins' blood. Do you realize how many you have to slaughter to fill a wading pool? By the time you're sacrificing your 15th virgin, the shallow end has started to clot. I've tried heperin, but it takes so much that it dilutes the color and Our Many Titted Empress won't have that.

"Theocritus," she bellows, her tusks, before she had them removed, dripping with virgins' blood, "Just how in the name of Marx do you think I'm going to live forever, or at least until Bill's pecker won't stand up at every floozy that walks by, if you can't get me good virgin blood?"

I tried, Zampolit, I really tried. I flew on an SR 71--you thought they were all mothballed, didn't you--to Peking and had a meeting in a secret room in the Forbidden City and was given access to the re-education camps of people who bust out of the slave-labor, er worker's paradise factories in northwest China. I had access to the blood of every single person who knew the Roman alphabet. They hate those gaijin, you know.

And now that bitch doesn't want common 0 blood. No, that won't do for her. It seems that they did DNA analysis on Marie Antoinette's blood and she had a rare blood, and nothing but the best for Our Empress.

I swear if I didn't that she could lead the charge into the future, her snout down, her trotters digging into the turf, I'd make her into sausage and feed to Arabs and be done with it.

But, Heil Hillary H8!

I want AB negative Theocritus.
Write it down on the back of your hand on your own blood.
I know how you forget things.
Maybe tie a rope around your neck too.

H08

Empress, if I off myself, even for you, who will procure your virgins? Bruno won't do it, especially since you bitch-slapped him and put a dog collar on him and kicked his ass around the quad in your jack boots just because he raised an eyebrow at the drillers' boots over your hooves. That put me out quite a bit too, by the way, but I am coping.

Let's talk. You're never going to get better virgin blood than I can provide. I've got chartered flights from prison camps that don't even show on <a href="https://www.google.com/maps">Google</a>.

And Dear Leader in North Korea thinks I'm the bees' knees ever since I gave him the tin foil left from the Christmas packages I gave to the orphans that I'm raising to go into white slavery. Do you realize just how many virgins there are there?

And here's a really good one. I've got things on DiFi and can get virgins from San Francisco. Not male ones, of course--that is to laugh--but think of all the female virgins there.

And if you're nice to me, I'll let you play with them first. They can service you and then their blood can can service you.

Oh. Bring along your Hildo Hydra 7.1. Janet broke the carborundum tip while she was here and ever since Bhopal getting that fixed is a bitch.

Oh. Bring along your Hildo Hydra 7.1. Janet broke the carborundum tip while she was here and ever since Bhopal getting that fixed is a bitch.

I guess I will have to send it over to Jiffy Lube. See People's Blog.

Jiffy Lube. What an idea. The ones here in West Texas often have a basement and the grease monkeys walk down stairs to work on the cars. Do you realize just how much virgin's blood you could store there? And it would be cool to cut down on the clotting.

guess what, napalm hurts more than hate speech

Not if you are a party member. Because if you're a party member, the napalm is on someone else. But hate speech--ooh! Bad bad bad!