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I Had The Obama Hormone!

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Confessions of a former teenage communist Casanova

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By Oleg Atbashian
First published in PJ Media

Have you ever had an obnoxious television show character's behavior remind you of a time in your past when you similarly behaved like a jerk? And now, years later, it makes you blush?

That is precisely what I felt watching our president's post-election press conferences and interviews. Even after the nation clearly rejected his agenda, he continued to insist that he had done nothing wrong - he had simply failed to make the country understand that whatever he did was "the right thing." I knew exactly what he meant. As a teenager, I used to think like that. In his mind, a rejection was always the result of a misunderstanding - an error of perception - and I sincerely promised to "listen hard" in the future, without really meaning it.

Obama has caused me to experience unwelcome flashbacks, remembering how teenage me, drunk on hormones, claimed to members of the opposite sex that I shared their values - in order to score. When that didn't work, I rationalized it as a failure to communicate. I thought I hadn't been persuasive enough, and in the future I needed to apply even more effort to make them understand that I was entitled to be their date. I readily promised anything. The end justified the means.

At that age, nothing seemed inappropriate. My hormone-infused brain knew no distinction between right and wrong, and "doing the right thing" meant going wherever my hormones would take me, and then making it sound as if it were "the right thing." When the girl was wise enough to reject my advances, my mouth automatically generated a million plausible, albeit contradictory, reasons why such a rejection was merely the result of an incorrect perception. The only thing missing in that narrative was that I was a complete jerk, devoid of self-awareness, blind to reality, and deaf to others' feelings.

With time, I learned to be more careful. I stopped blaming the fair sex for failure to understand my good intentions due to their lack of intelligence, attention, or both. I also figured that blaming others for mischaracterizing me behind my back was a bad strategy. I mastered the "humble" act - but not because I grew wiser. I simply got cleverer.

As I felt ashamed for my past behavior, I couldn't help but recognize this trick when the president admitted that he was guilty - yes, guilty - for not being able to speak more clearly. But he tried! No one can deny that he tried to be clear. In the last year alone, he started 50% of his sentences with the interjection "let me be clear." Perhaps, the tragic miscommunication could have been avoided if he had used this interjection 75% of the time, and maybe in the next year he will do a better job, increasing its usage to 100% of his sentences, while speaking slower and louder.

This time, unlike many times in the past, the president seemed very careful not to blame Americans for failing to understand him, and neither did he blame the media for mischaracterizing his actions. He has mastered the "humble" act.

I spent my college years in the USSR and had to attend a number of classes on Marxist science. One pleasant September afternoon, right after a lecture on Marxist philosophy, I was sitting on a park bench with a female student from a parallel class. I quoted the important work by Friedrich Engels, The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State, trying to convince her that if the Soviet society had really been organized according to Marxist principles, we would all be having free unlimited sex.

I told her that the current social taboos and limitations stemmed from the old bourgeois era, when relationships between people were determined by the ownership of property held by a family, which necessitated a strict monogamy. It was a shame, I remember saying, that in our supposedly more progressive Soviet society, where private property was no longer a burden and where goods were distributed among people by the government, we still continued to be oppressed by the archaic sexual taboos instead of having a free redistribution of intimate favors.

If it's true that the human mind is a social construct, I said, then the above taboos were nothing but changeable perceptions past expiration date. Boundaries on human intimacy had no place in modernity, where perceptions of right and wrong were subject to change along with the socio-economic formation. And since everything was a matter of perception, any wrong could easily become a new right if only someone would give history an overdue nudge. And if someone must do this historic nudge, why not us? If not us, who? If not now, when? This was clearly an idea whose time had come.

She looked me in the eye and said: "I have no idea what you told me, but if you want to do it, let's go to my dorm." She wasn't much of a theoretician. We remained friends for a while, and then forgot about each other's existence as easily and uneventfully as we met. When the only things you have in common are the hormones, there's not much left to keep you together after your biochemistry undergoes a change.

I wonder how many American voters had elected Obama, not because they shared his theories or understood any of his hope and change rhetoric, but simply because they shared the same political hormones. Perhaps the number of voters with the hormone-impaired thinking can roughly be calculated by taking the amount of votes for Obama in 2008 and subtracting the much smaller amount of Democratic votes in 2010. Easy come, easy go.

I know how American liberals feel. Most girlfriends in my younger years must have been archetypal conservatives, while my endocrinal excesses made me an untrainable liberal. I thought I had their mandate, I didn't listen, I pushed my agenda, and they voted me out of their lives. It pains me to think how much, in those shameless days, I sounded like Barack Obama at his recent press conference. I can only hope that the objects of my affection weren't as queasy listening to me as I am now when I turn on the TV. If they can hear me now, I sincerely hope they will accept my apologies.

In my defense, I was young, immature, and running on pure hormones. I still don't know if my growing wiser was the result of life lessons or of the changes in my endocrine glands. But being rejected did teach me this: pretense doesn't work in the long run. To have a healthy relationship, you must be honest with yourself and your partner. And if the real you is not what your partner wants, pretending to be someone else will make neither of you happy. Inventing stories about shared values in order to prolong a bogus relationship is pathetic.

I wish I had known this in my teens, but I'm not sure this knowledge could have had any impact at a time when my mind was blinded by immature fantasies, and my sophomoric biochemistry conditioned my internal speech processing system to generate wild stories and to come up with any plausible excuse to make the fantasy come true.

While I recognize these teenage traits in Obama when he talks to the nation, I can's help but notice that he is a grown man. What kind of hormone possesses him to his detriment at his age? And what kind of fantasies does he have about himself and America that he is so desperate to fulfill?

Right before the election, scientists at the University of California-San Diego had discovered that a specific kind of gene, a dopamine receptor known as DRD4-7R, when combined with a social environment, is associated with liberal political ideology. Could this explain why our president acts like a hormone-crazed teenager, devoid of self-awareness, blind to reality, and deaf to other's feelings?

Whether this is the case or not, I do hope that somewhere in the White House there exists an adult - perhaps not even at the top, that would be too much to ask, but more likely a driver, a cook, or a cleaning lady - who will confront Obama with the harsh truth: "Barack, the country is just not into you. Suck it up and take it like a man! You're 49 years old, dammit!"

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Most Red Square,

Thank you for relating this personal information.

There will only be two problems:

When someone says "Take it like a man", he will only be confused by two terms, "it" and "man".
I leave further development to readers imaginations.

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I quoted the important work by Friedrich Engels, The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State, trying to convince her that if the Soviet society had really been organized according to Marxist principles, we would all be having free unlimited sex.

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Even with a hormone-pumped brain, you still managed to insert the right materials into your argument, Mr. Atbashian. (No innuendo intended)

To be honest, I'm no fan of '50s family mores, but in my dear opinion, the progressive (or in this case, the progressives') destruction of the American family has gone too far. Welfare in this country has been specially designed to reward unmarried parents, to the utter detriment of the children who must contend with the increased risks of social and psychological disruption. Come to think of it, I still wonder as to why 95% of African Americans voted for a man whose ideology corrupted their way of life even more than the most barbaric of the Jim Crow Laws.

Just as how an economic shock treatment was the only path towards stability for many ex-communist states, this country needs a social shock treatment. By eliminating single-parent welfare, legalizing gun ownership, and allowing economic liberty in the most poverty-stricken areas, even the worst of the side effects are meager at best compared to a virtual Renaissance that will revitalize this nation.

Sorry for this off-topic(?) rant, Mr. Atbashian. Should I continue this on another post?

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Red Square, this is a fascinating side of you I've never seen before—and I thought I'd seen all six of them.

Until now I thought of you as merely a cold, unfeeling block with nary a soft edge, and that deep inside of you, at your very darkest center, lurked an untouchable heart so hard and implacable, that it could not be moved by anyone or anything.

But it seems you may harbor a sticky, sweet blob of goo instead.

Perhaps you should have lowered your standards appealed to a broader base of baser broads. For I can assure you—and all male comrades—that there's no short supply of wretched, miserable females desperate enough to grab at anything you dangle in front of them.

You're sure to find many such prospects in our upcoming holiday edition of The People's Dating Service.

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Great story, comrade Red Square.

I am sure our Dear Leader has more pick-up lines up his sleeves for the gullible progs whose hearts flutter when he lays it on them.

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If socialism is like a frankenstein's monster and Obama's appeal was like teenage lust, then his presidency is like a 1970's Roger Corman sexploitation horror movie. The difference being that Roger Corman had a sense of humor and infinitely more class.

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Hormones?

In Africa we use the AK47 instead!

Amandla!

The other 50% of his sentences began with "Make no mistake..." so let me be clear, it was not a lack of understanding that accounted for his party's defeat. Maybe the hormones are lacking on the side of liberal voters, as they seem to be practicing abstinence -- as in lower voter turn out.

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That is precisely what I felt watching our president's post-election press conferences and interviews. Even after the nation clearly rejected his agenda, he continued to insist that he had done nothing wrong - he had simply failed to make the country understand that whatever he did was "the right thing."

Which, oddly enough, is the same thing a stalker might say as he is led away from the violated corpse of the stalkee in handcuffs.

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Red Square wrote: free redistribution of intimate favors.

Free Love for the Common Good; if you feel you've outgrown that glorious concept Comrade Square I suggest you go straight to the People's Pharmacy and request some ObamaCare issued People's Viagra.

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[img]/red/images/clipart/Prog_Off.gif[/img] " Free Love ", huh ?

See if you can get a prescription for ampicillin and acyclovir while your at it.

Cuz' nothin' says lov'n like oozing sores!

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Ivan Betinov wrote:
That is precisely what I felt watching our president's post-election press conferences and interviews. Even after the nation clearly rejected his agenda, he continued to insist that he had done nothing wrong - he had simply failed to make the country understand that whatever he did was "the right thing."

Which, oddly enough, is the same thing a stalker might say as he is led away from the violated corpse of the stalkee in handcuffs.
This is so well said that I will steal it... use it myself. Who hasn't wanted to abuse or be abusive to another and justified the action as 'not being understood'? And who is to define "wrong" for another? After all, who can sit in such judgment?? And what does a corpse (for all those Obama followers, "corps") care if it's been violated or not? Was it not an endearing act from the doer, I ask? But of course. And in the end, that is all that matters.

Red Square we are all enlightened & deeply moved by your openness & sentimentality. (please don't do it again. it makes some of us feel really uncomfortable)

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote: You're sure to find many such prospects in our upcoming holiday edition of The People's Dating Service.

Thank you for reminding me Pinkie, I'm working on it.

As for Obama...Just because no one understands you, doesn't make you an artist.

And Red Square, like you I learned too late the secret to picking up women for casual sex. You just have to be lewd and suggestive. Sure, 8 out of 10 women may walk away or even slap you. Ah, but those 2...Oo la, la

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oooooh, I am growing excited and anxious thinking of the People's Dating Service again! That was such fun, was it not?! This time I would prefer someone who is not into necrophilia. I DO NOT JUDGE . . but I found it a little creepy when he wanted to stop at every graveyard and morgue. We were never at a movie on time.

Comrade Whoopie, 2? ha ha. The closest you have gotten to a real date in the 15 years is a TSA groper agent at the airport. Why, you told me in your email, that it was better than a proctology visit, did you not.

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Yes Frau, that I did. It didn't work out between us. I asked her how she likes her eggs in the morning and she replied "Unfertilized."

As for the woman operating the body scanner I told her that if I could see her naked I'd die happy. But she replied "If I saw you naked I'd die laughing."

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Woman? A woman is not named Chuck.

I think the only ones laughing were the listeners of your so called, "jokes". Here is a picture of our last party during your "have you heard this joke" routine. (sigh)

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