Las Vegas: Candidates Pledge to End Losing Streaks

LAS VEGAS--On the eve of the Nevada caucuses, presidential hopefuls of both parties are intensifying efforts to woo local voters with pledges to bail out gamblers who have lost more than 40% of their income, and by offering bold stimulus programs to cap casinos' minimum table bet requirement at $5, and $3 on Megabucks slot machines. Additionally, the candidates propose unionizing "temporary gambling collectives" and setting up subsidized "second chance" training programs to increase the winning potential of flustered heads of households. Proposals also include incentives to struggling Sin City industries, from catering to prostitution and strip clubs, as well as various rescue packages to casinos that were hardest hit by Jumbo Jackpot payouts.

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Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton asserted the dire need to "put an end to the losing streak crisis" at American casinos. She stopped short of blaming losing streaks on the Bush administration, but quoted statistics that showed a greater number of jackpots and higher chances of winning in the years when she and her husband were in the White House.

"The government should insulate low-income gamblers from going broke and give a second or third chance to any losing individual by providing special government chips that can be used in any casino or participating drinking establishment," she said at a recent Caesar's Palace fundraiser.

Barack Obama countered Mrs. Clinton's plan with a proposal to level the playing field by freezing the minimum bet requirement at $5 on all tables until at least 6pm on weekdays, when working families and single mothers finish their jobs and rush to the casinos. In combination with a push to increase the number of Blackjack tables and Double Diamond Deluxe machines, and lifting the $100,000 cap on jackpots, this should "bring a welcome change and give hope" to all income groups and minorities, Obama stated.

John Edwards proposed to unionize all "temporary playing collectives" around casino tables, with a floating membership fee based on the amount of winnings, and a security insurance fund to compensate the potential losers. If a dealer deals himself a Blackjack he would have to pay a "pain and suffering" fine to the group's elected representative, followed by an equal redistribution of all chips among players. Union leaders have pledged support for this plan on the condition that it will restrict playing at the tables to union members only.

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee opposed Obama's minimum bet idea and, instead, proposed a cap on maximum bets - at 20 cents for penny machines except for the new Pharaoh's Gold game, which requires 25 cents to cover all line combinations, and Coyote Moon, which has 40 possible lines and therefore requires a 40-cent investment per spin. Huckabee reluctantly admitted that Clinton's "second chance chips" was originally his own idea, and that it would be a "Christian thing to do" as long as the bailout didn't involve tax dollars.

"Straight Shooter" Sen. John McCain pitched federal education and subsidized game training programs for burned-out gamblers. "If you have lost your house playing Poker, maybe it's time you switched to Roulette," he said in an interview with NPR this week. "We'll be there for you. We need to go to the community colleges and design federally sponsored education and training programs so that any gambler who has had a long losing streak can get a second chance. That's our obligation as a nation."

Zoltar predicts that the pollsters will be way off the mark again

Fred Thompson, the conservative's conservative, asserted the need for a skill-based approach. "In principle, I'm against bailouts," he said, "Unless we're talking about those new slot machines they're installing that pay out based on a player's skill level. Remember Pong by Atari? One of the new slots is going to be based on that. And I think also Breakout, from 1976, so that's at least a patriotic, bicentennial-released game we can all get behind if people want to try their skills on that one."

Thompson added that he would also consider applying relief to those playing such slot machines as Enchanted Unicorn, ShrimpMania, and Dam Lumberjack Beavers, since the bonuses on these games rely on a player's guessing abilities. Unlike the Wheel of Fortune machines, there is no progressive jackpot, but a player can maximize his winnings by listening to his intuition in order to guess which selection holds the highest dollar amount - much like the "Let's Make a Deal" game show, of which there is now a slot machine as well, one that Thompson endorses and has even caught Ron Paul playing.

Asked about his choice of slot machine, Paul distinguished games like Let's Make a Deal and Enchanted Unicorn from the traditional, mechanical three-window bandits by saying, "This isn't the mindless slot machine of yesteryear. Whether you win or lose, you can definitely feel better afterwards at the buffet for having at least challenged yourself."

McCain and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney both advocated expansion of the Federal Gambling Administration to allow gamblers to refinance their homes. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani upped the ante by also proposing government aid for gamblers who were "one card short of a Bad Beat Poker Jackpot."

Liberal or conservative, all candidates seemed to agree on one thing - with the federal budget reaching three trillion dollars, nobody should be denied a chance of cashing in on a jackpot just because they run out of gambling money.

Community activists, such as members of a progressive pressure group "Gamblers for Change" with a rich history of supporting Democrat causes, remain unconvinced. None of the spending proposals offers a sufficient safety net to the gambling community and their families, who live under constant threat of losing due to the lack of guarantees of winning.

"It is a moral responsibility of the federal government to provide us with guarantees, and we have yet to see any of the candidates live up to our expectations," the group representative said at a rally in the lobby of Tropicana Hotel and Casino this weekend.

Additional reporting by our Las Vegas expert Julia Gorin
 

Ah, the proud tradition of governor William J. LePetomaine (pioneer of treatment of the Criminally Insane Gambler) lives on. Harumph!
 

Here's some good Gambling advise and how Congress is helping.



The stupidest wager I have ever heard of? I bet my wife she would never leave me.
 

Ah yes Zoltar... The Prophet...


 

And who can forget Mandalay Bay and the unforgettable performance by Hillary Clinton and the All-Hsu Band?

Do you know the way to Mandalay

Music by Burt Bacharach
Lyrics by Laika the Space Dog

Do you know the way to Mandalay?
Hsu’s back from Hong Kong. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to Mandalay?
Roulette, cards, and broads on Hill’s tab at Mandalay.

More here >> http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1488


 

Brilliant! Instead of anyone winning, everyone equally loses and all the money goes to our MTE!
 

Red Square

And who can forget Mandalay Bay and the unforgettable performance by Hillary Clinton and the All-Hsu Band?

Do you know the way to Mandalay

Music by Burt Bacharach
Lyrics by Laika the Space Dog

Do you know the way to Mandalay?
Hsu’s back from Hong Kong. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to Mandalay?
Roulette, cards, and broads on Hill’s tab at Mandalay.

More here >> http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1488



I must protest the use of catchy little jingles in the Cube. I was enjoying reading this morning until I reached "Do you know the way to Mandalay"...Now, I have this stupid jingle in my head and can't get rid of it...Thanks Red Square...Thanks Space Dog...Thanks Burt...Thanks Dionne...Thanks 60's...This sounds like the acceptance of an award...
 

Was Obambi with or without his capitalist bling-bling?
 

Excellent! Another Zampolit has joined. Obviously, Zampolit Schartzengov is veteran of many triumphs of Socialism as well. I have warm memories of the days spent shoulder to shoulder with Comrade Eugene Debs. And in the '60s when I was transferring tons of cash from the KGB to fellow travellers like the Clintons, the Kennedys, the Weather Underground, the S.L.A., the Black Panthers, the CPUSA, ABC, NBC, CBS, the N.Y. Times, the Washington edition of Pravda (a.k.a. The Washington Post), the San Francisco Chronicle, etc. Wow! Those were good times!

Obama-Osama needs to wear more capitalist bling-bling? Well... I guess that would be a good idea. It will show that he is still got "street cred".

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
 

Um, I don't think the ahem, gentle men services are distributed equality along ethnic lines. I propose we nationalize it. I nominate myself as commissar over the said new department.
 

Comrade Hasan -

Would you like to become Commissar Sheeraz Hasan of the Male Escort Service Directorate and Founder and CEO of Hollywood.TV?

We congratulate you on the first successful penetration of American pop culture via Britney Spears' by means of a temporary beau Adnan Ghalib.



Unfortunately he couldn't hold the position long enough to convert her to Islam. That may or may not be his fault, it's up to the revolutionary tribunal to decide.

Perhaps the next time you should focus on a target that can hold her attention on a subject longer than 0.5 seconds. Like Jeanine Garofalo.


 

Ivan Betinov

Ah, the proud tradition of governor William J. LePetomaine (pioneer of treatment of the Criminally Insane Gambler) lives on. Harumph!

I didn't get a Harumph out of that guy!!!
 

SPAMMING POST DELETED WITH PREJUDICE.

- Spamophobe Prejudice Department
 

Looks to me like we have a capitalist troll who needs to have an accounting audit here....
 

I guess this video belongs on this thread. In real life, its author Mark Dice is a conspiracy nut weirdo, but this video might as well be a People's Cube classic.