Obama Saves Earth From Apocalypse: What's Next?


As we celebrate our narrow escape from the Mayan-Republican Apocalypse of December 21, 2012, the American media is living up to its reputation as the people's fearless truth-teller, by correctly attributing our miraculous collective salvation to Barack Obama. The consensus among the media experts and celebrities can be best expressed by this unbiased quote from CNN: "If you don't think Obama is god, you're just stupid."
According to an ancient prophecy, the Mayan calendar would end on 12/21/2012 with a big comet (or other large-caliber assault weapon that the NRA protects from government control) falling off a physical cliff and striking the United States in karmic retaliation for Bush's tax cuts and suppression of undocumented Mayan voters in swing states. Some experts estimated that, in addition to total death and destruction, this could result in the loss of all accrued Social Security benefits and free government-mandated health care, as well as a severe climate change as the planet would burn to a crisp.
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As the dreaded date approached, the media downplayed the Doomsday prediction as some authentic New Age gibberish propagated by people using medical marijuana for non-medicinal purposes. Such moral and intellectual guidance helped to stave off panic among the middle class working families, which could lead to a scarcity of wait staff at bistros that media personalities patronize. Privately, however, they realized that the prophecy was true and that we were all doomed.
But, as members of the fourth estate heroically passed their final hours feasting on wine and cheese while cursing people who disagreed with them on Twitter, something wonderful happened: NOTHING! It was like the fiscal cliff negotiations writ large.
Suddenly, as if by magic, all top-shelf, professional, state-accredited journalists across the nation knew the truth: the reason for both nothings were the actions of president Obama.
As skeptics and other racists predictably question Obama's divine intervention, the media's answer to their conspiracy theories is clear: it's December 22nd and we are all here, aren't we? The world, including GM, is still alive - and Bin Laden is still deader than the majority of Chicago voters. What more proof do you need?
The fact that Obama single-handedly delivered us from the eternal abyss is consistent with his prior unprecedented accomplishments.
In the past four years, Barack Obama repeatedly saved the U.S. economy just by being himself - not to mention his generous spending of trillions of dollars in virtual public money on unsustainable energy projects, Chinese contractors, Finnish automakers, Brazilian oil rigs, Mexican drug cartels, Arab Spring rebels, and international labor unions - as well as multi-million dollar vacations at taxpayer expense in Spain, Hawaii, and other economic disaster areas.
Obviously, if Bush were still president, the world would have ended on December 22nd and nothing could have saved humanity from certain ruin.
Now that Mr. Obama has outdone himself by saving the planet, it boggles the mind to think what he might do in the next four years of his historic presidency.
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UPDATE:
This truthful reporting has just been published in the Communities section of The Washington Times, with due credit to "Opiate of the People."








Obama saves Earth from ancient Mayan prophecy!
President proclaims "I got the whole world in my hands."


Fraulein Pulloskies
We should all be wetting our pants in excitement. Perhaps an offering to the Hussein god Of Socialist Endeavors would be in order? Might I volunteer Harry Reid??I hope not - if we do, the oceans will start to rise again. Then, we would be doomed and Obama would have to save us again. Then, we would have to wet our pants in excitement again, and so on, and so on. Oh wait, that's not as monotonus and pointless as it sounds, it is actually what most progressives would consider UTOPIA!












Why are these blue men having erect nipples?



The "Ones" Oneness is just so awesome to behold that most lowly peasants cannot look upon him without falling to their knees in humble suplication and holding up their meager offerings of beets for this most special Marxmas/Kawanzaa time of year.
For all of you comrades that are made up of the wrong color to properly understand Kawanzaa, I offer this short graphic that a lowly comrade of mine had to endure.


All joking aside, I believe Obama did, in a way, save us from the Mayan Apocalypse. Earth needed to enter the next phase of enlightenment and as long as those troglodyte Conservatives were in power the only answer was scorched earth and start over with those enlightened few who survived. But now, with Obama and the Progressives in control of the most powerful country on earth, the universe may have given a reprieve and taken a "wait and see" attitude.


All is well, comrades - all is as it should be.

Nasdrovia


This truthful reporting has just been published in the Communities section of The Washington Times, with due credit to "Opiate of the People."





Have a very Merry Christmas, everyone! And here's to a truly glorious 2013! Салют!
Luke 2:8-20

Do not believe the liars who say that public debt is a public vice.

