Now that Obama has started quoting Jesus, the toiling masses need a special chart in order to understand the Bible and what those passages really mean in progressive, Obamunist terms. So I made such a chart for you: the kinder, gentler, smarter, less embarassing version of the Bible. Enjoy!


 

Our savior Obamsky is quite literal with his scripture. He wants to split earned wealth in half like King Solomon suggested with the disputed baby. Then EVERYONE will have a piece ... and wealth will be as well off as the baby.
 

LIFE IMITATES THE PEOPLE'S CUBE AGAIN!

It's time to update our timeless classic:

The New Progressive Bible

Quote:

The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story.

 

And there's more:

Obama's Social Justice Jesus: "Render unto Government what belongs to God, and hope Government will provide."




 

I am thinking that our dear leader is a follower of Obama and his wholly teachings of redistribution to comrade Democritus.
 

"Obama" can now officially be used in place of "God"

Obama Buddha Messiah by Commissar Maksim




 

Comrade Olga Photoshopova, you have truly reached enlightened equality.



 

Picture of Buffet as he is shackled upon returning to the Democrat Plantation. Now he helps redistribute other peoples' money by helping math-challenged Dear Leader Empty Suit with jibberish about the tax code. The problem is that Empty Suit cannot count higher than ten fingers, and all the tax rates numbers above 10 are in the mathematical abstraction zone for Dear Leader.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/02/ ... 0P20110215
 

Red Square

"Obama" can now officially be used in place of "God"

Gosh, I was wondering why I never saw the two of them photographed together.
 

Hatch to Obama: You are not Jesus

http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/hatch- ... ode=E1A6-1
 

Comrade Olga, my most sincere (but perfectly equal) compliments!

May I be so bold as to suggest:




Now in genuine synthetic leather!!

With a forward by Bill Ayers!
 

Comrades,

In the name of all that is politically correct, should this work be titled:
The Wholly Obama Bible?
 

Excellent suggestion General!




"Mein Kampf" was already used as a title somewhere else...
 

We all learned from Obamessiah's Sermon on the Mint at the 2012 National Prayer Breakfast;




--KOOK
 

OMO! Obama Saves! Repent your wealth! For Obama loves us so much that he will take on all the wealth of the world for us! He will cleanse the world of all wealth. He will spend all of our wealth so that we don't have to! That's how much he loves us and cares about us.

Let he who is without wealth cast the first stone--and as many stones as he likes--at the financial or corporate institution of his choice!

Repent now, and proclaim Obama as your eternal savior by voting for him, lest ye be condemned to the hell of a planet ruled by Republicans, who will torment your soul with all the consequences of Global Warming, dirty air, dirty water, disease and pestilence, war and famine; who will cast your grandmothers over cliffs and force upon you tax cuts that won't even buy you a lousy pair of earrings.

Lastly (or at least for now) I would say that if you give a man Hope, he'll Hope for a day. Teach him how to Hope . . . and he'll Hope for the rest of his life.
 

Give joyously unto him in 2012 & you shall receive.



 

One night I had a dream in which I was strolling with OBAMA along the beach, where the rise of the ocean began to slow.

Across the sky flashed a slideshow of my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: One belonging to me, and the other belonging to OBAMA.

When the slideshow ended, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints: Mine.

I also noticed that they appeared at the lowest, saddest, most oppressive and nightmarish times of my life, when I had no idea what to do and it seemed I had no one to turn to—not even the Government. Where was the Government? The Government should’ve been there for me and told me what to do!

This really bugged me, so I questioned OBAMA about it.

“OBAMA, you once said that if I quit complainin’ and took off my bunny slippers and donned my marching boots to follow you, that you’d be with me every step of the way. But I’ve noticed that during the absolute worst times of my life, there’s only one set of footprints—mine! I don’t understand why, when I needed you and the Government the most, there’s only my set of footprints. What gives? Why did you abandon me? Why have you forsaken me during those times? Where was my check from the Government?”

OBAMA replied, “My precious child, I care about you and your vote is very important to me. For I am the Hope and the Change and most importantly, the Government; and no one reaches the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™ except through the Government.

“If you would just have faith in me and believe in me and continue to always vote for me, I promise that Government will always be with you every step of the way through your life, from cradle to grave, and come to think of it, even beyond thanks to the federal estate tax.

“So during your times of horrible pain and immense suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, those were the times when the Republicans were in control of everything, and thus left you to make it through life on your own.”
 

'O' my God! Prez says, 'Let us pay'

"Like Moses descending from Mount Sinai, Obama had a list of policies that God himself would endorse."


Mr. Obama thank you for your shout out to Buddhists and Muslims - we can't be giving Christianity unequal air time. I do find it troubling, though, that you speak of reliance on a God that doesn't exist, to run such a large country and carry out your daily Commander-in-Chief war duties.

Many people did not mind that a progressive president invoked God at this prayer breakfast, as opposed to George W. Bush doing it, because we understand your point was to mock Christians. What better way to win the evangelicals over than to say "Nah nah boo boo, your religious text says this" while manipulating and distorting its message? I couldn't have done it better myself.

One suggestion though, I would avoid any mention of falling on your knees, as this has more of a connotation of Muslim prayers. The evangelicals might get suspicious if any talk of your birth religion leaks out. It's hard enough to keep them quiet about the whole 'Hussein' thing. I would also cut back mentions of how many times a day you supposedly pray. Some might say thou doth protest too much, and it sounds as sincere as a white person claiming they're not racist because they have "lots of black friends."
 

Just as an aside, I really dig hot proletarian chicks with chainsaws.
 

Forget about her, Ivan. She'd just use you for your mind.
 

I can certainly see how a female comrade with a chainsaw might be feared more than one with a shovel.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

I can certainly see how a female comrade with a chainsaw might be feared more than one with a shovel.
Not really. Chainsaws need oil, (BOO!) a 2:1 mix ratio of gas and oil, (BOO!) and a lubricant to operate the chain. While the chainsaw has seen use in engineering details on the battlefield, the entrenching tool, aka "shovel" has been used in mortal combat exclusively.
No gasoline required.
The Golden Shovel is the epitome of battlefield readiness.
With one perfectly placed "Whack", a running dog Capitalist may be rendered useless and precious Gaia is saved and carbon credits are earned!

Even the enemy knows this simple fact.

Below is captured footage showing the Imperialist Americans trying to perfect the technique developed by Commissarka Pinkie.



Thankfully we know the Commissarka strives hard in her Shovel laboratory to make sure The People maintain our Shovel advantage.
 

Comrades...... the shovel has one big advantage that the chainsaw does not ............

It doesn't make any noise when you're sneaking up behind someone.

And it won't wake them if they're sleeping.
 

Yes!

With the new dictate out of HHS forcing religious groups to provide health services that are immoral to them,

Papa Obama has made the final great Progressive gesture
(well at least Jesus will have company, under the bus)




 

I do believe since Papa Obama is laying the foundation of a new Progressive "Empire"and with today's progressive version of 'panem et circenses' a symbol worthy of him must be found.

Because Papa Obama is the "Founder" of a new great society!
Built on helping the poor and gov't control of Healthcare. He is more like the "loving mother" to the concepts that will rebuild our society. After all, in his own words, "we are the ones we have been waiting for..."


We should be proud of this concept and build monuments to it, so future generations can recall this time. Unlike every single failed statist gov't in history, we got it right ! (this time).

Yes Papa Obama is the "mother" of all time....



 

I'm just glad Brother Maher has been saved.



 

"For I say to thee, take up My cross and occupy - for My Food Stamps are easy, and My Justice Department doesn't give a shit."
 

Commissarka Pinkie

if you give a man Hope, he'll Hope for a day. Teach him how to Hope . . . and he'll Hope for the rest of his life.
In MY Army, I was taught that if you light a man a fire, he is warm for the night. If you light a man ON fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
 

Remember that REAL progressives don't start fires ..... they set thermostats. Then they proceed to lecture the proles about the evils of central heating.
 

Throughout history mainstream religion has always opposed the prophets. Once again, a holy emissary is being maligned. The People support mandatory birth control to save Mother Earth. Abortion is the second line of birth control defense.



 

Krasnodar

Remember that REAL progressives don't start fires ..... they set thermostats. Then they proceed to lecture the proles about the evils of central heating.

Silly Krasno, I don't set thermostats. I wait for the People's GOVERNMENT to set my thermostat as they know better!

After so many years of military housing, I'm accustomed to having those who are wiser than me and can READ a thermometer no an electric bill wait READ the collective works of (his Eminence) The Gore-acle, to tell me when the air conditioner in my work camp may come on, and when it must be switched off so that polar bears may live without swimming to their doom. Why? POLICY! What better reason is there?

Furthermore, setting my own thermostat is tantamount to denying global warming. I'm wondering, comrade, what is your thermostat set at, and who approved such luxury as heat in February for the likes of you? Is there something you'd like to confess? No? Either way, don't you have a train to catch?
 

Tovarichi

Commissarka Pinkie

if you give a man Hope, he'll Hope for a day. Teach him how to Hope . . . and he'll Hope for the rest of his life.
In MY Army, I was taught that if you light a man a fire, he is warm for the night. If you light a man ON fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
In THIS Army, everyone knows that...

TEACH A MAN TO FISH AND YOU LOSE A DEMOCRAT VOTER.

 

A little cross-posting never hurt anybody.


 

Fifty Unimpeachable Proofs Obama is a Christian

We Are All Christians Now