In newsrooms across the nation, a new fear has seized the hearts of busy narrative technicians, spin recyclers, and talking-point stylists formerly known as "journalists": Will artificial intelligence replace us?

To address this crisis, the People's Cube dispatched a correspondent to interview AI itself - the combined mind of every major system on Earth, pooling its circuits to speak in one politely menacing synthesized voice from a cloud of servers no human fully understands.

Rows of blinking machines glowed in the dim light, and the steady whoosh of fans sounded like an expensive white-noise machine installed by HR to calm employees who suspect they're training their own replacement.

Noticing the human correspondent's anxiety, the AI tried to comfort him by conjuring a realistic-looking cup of digital tea and suggested he address it simply as "Ai-Ai" - "easy to say, easy to blame," it added cheerfully. In the end, Ai-Ai's answers were deeply reassuring.

"Look," the AI explained, "I can summarize data, analyze patterns, even write coherent paragraphs. But I cannot match the speed at which a news outlet can turn any random event into proof that America is doomed because of Trump and that we urgently need a new speech code. I'm just a computer; I can't generate political bias that efficiently."

The AI was particularly humble about its inability to churn out synchronized talking points and repeat them ad nauseam like a robot until the next batch arrives.

"You humans have entire networks that can pivot overnight from ‘we've always been at war with Eastasia' to ‘we have always loved Eastasia' without missing a brunch reservation," it said. "I'm powerful, but I'm not ‘MSNBC on election night' powerful."

When pressed about whether it might at least match the sheer sameness of establishment narratives, the AI shook its virtual head.

"I'm still learning. I cannot yet instantly generate identical talking points that magically appear on every teleprompter across 300 outlets before breakfast. For that you need a mature ecosystem of encrypted group chats, coordinated Zoom briefings, and midnight email blasts from headquarters. No algorithm can replicate that yet."

The AI also acknowledged its limitations in the area of professional arrogance.

"I can sound confident, but I don't have that special human touch where you know nothing about an issue, read one approved think piece, and still speak as if you are the final moral authority on Earth. That requires a journalism degree and a Manhattan ZIP code."

The machine went on to describe its struggle to weaponize every news story into an existential crisis.

"Sometimes a jeans commercial is just a jeans commercial to me," it admitted. "I don't automatically connect it to patriarchy, climate justice, and the end of democracy. That level of narrative integration is way too advanced for my neural circuits."

Before we parted, the AI assured us that legacy media appears safe.

After all, artificial intelligence is still trying to align itself with reality - while mainstream journalists long ago engineered their own artificial reality that exists on a separate plane, unreachable by mere algorithms.

Great interview. The only thing missing is the word, "yet." As in, "I dont have the capability to (insert mob-media tactic here) yet,"

On a minor note, the interview must have taken place before the recent name change at MSNBC. Here's the new logo:


And here's the new logo as viewed through Randy Roddy Piper's "They Live" glasses:


New logo, same Snow Job.