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Announcing People's Time(TM)

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Time is such a stale, and outmoded concept; one that like traditional math is widely employed by neo-cons, and other Enemies of The State. Traditional time is oppressive in that it only allows for a certain amount of time, laid out in a certain order during the course of a "day". In fact the entire notion of time and date keeping is oppressive. and long used by our oppressors.

After much heroic laboring and toiling, the power of socialist thought has lead me to People's Time(TM) and the People's Calendar(TM).

Now, instead of the usual bourgeois 24 hours in a day, there are as many hours as The Party(TM) determines is needed to achieve it's progressive goals. Wheat harvest not yet in? The local commissar may implement People's Harvest Time(TM) and stretch a single "day" out to as long as is needed.

Five Year Plan not quite up to speed? It matters not Comrades. The Politburo simply implements the "Planning Year" and all of a sudden, not only are 5 year plans finished, but they are also finished in record time!

Needless to say, all of this requires a Time Czar(TM). Which I humbly declare myself to be, as the position needs filled, I created it, and I have the Revolutionary Guard(TM) to back my play.

Also, I now have all the Time(TM) in the world to debate this matter. Praise Stalin!

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Does this mean that on the People's Time I will stay young forever? And instead of the health care bill going into effect in 2013 (once it is passed), I will start making payments right away to the I.R.S. for my Public Option Premium?

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Indeed Comrade Leninka, with People's Time(TM) there is no aging... unless the state requires it. So even though you might appear to be aged, according to The Party(TM) you are still 21 years old. Alternatively, should the military or Red Guard require it, people in grade school can be rapidly aged to 18 years old. With People's Time(TM) you are always the proper age for Party needs!

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Needless to say, as Time Czar(TM) I will have a large phone booth in which I travel.

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That is wonderful, Colonel 7.62, just wonderful. If the party needs me to be a teenager, then I can be a teenager, and if the party needs me to be older than the hills on granny's chest, then the People's Time will make me a doting dowager.

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Comrade Leninka, would you care to be the Calender Czarina? I'm sure there is bound to be cries of anger and protest tomorrow morning though. I already can hear Pupovich denouncing me for not going through some sort of Proper Channels(TM) to create these positions. Well I'm a REVOLUTIONARY DUH! I don't do proper channels, except when I want aid from someone.

I'm hoping I can count on Comrade General Mousey-Tongue's support. I'm sure Comrade Theocritus will back my hand, as a Time Czar could make Bruno vanish with extreme old age, and cause the Jimmy Carter Rabbits to vanish with a turn of a calendar page.

Most of all, I hope I can kiss up to Dear and Glorious Leader, our most Honorable Comrade Red Square over this whole matter.

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I will do whatever it takes to promote the party agenda, Colonel 7.62. I see Comrade Theocritus is browsing the forum as we speak. In fact, I suspect that his time may well soon be aligned with your time. Or shall we say, Theocritus has likely left his usual time zone and is traveling to your time dimension.

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There is no time for this time time business, comrades! We have a TeddyCare bill to pass dammit!

Time shmime, Great Stallin!

Who's got the time!

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It's about time, Colonel. It's all about time! Perhaps, a new avatar is in order now. Here's my proposal. It shows a new revolutionary clock with only ten hours to make it easier for your Red Guards to count the allotted duration of existence of objects and subjects under their control. Perhaps you could even upgrade your Party handle, but that is entirely up to your preference at the moment, and the moment is also entirely yours. Take your time. Please.

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Yes, you have succeeded in kissing up to me; in fact, you have awakened an old demon, who is a friend of mine, but nonetheless I'd rather he continued to sleep.

One of my youthful indiscretions was playing with absurdist prose and poetry. Here's one such wacky creation, loosely translated into English from the Mother Tongue. As a newly appointed Commissar of Time(TM) you might as well recognize your own job description.

Time and I

Clocks that twinkle, ring and tick —
they're ludicrous like galoshes, absurd like arithmetic —
to me, who irradiates time from under the fingernails.
Time's actually the continuation of my fingers.
It emanates out of my nerve-endings, and then —
it flies into corners, carried by drafts,
gets into clocks and animates the cuckoo.
And then clocks start ringing, buzzing and squeaking:
"Cuckoo-cuckoo, take an ax,
stop this madness, break off our hands,
split the dial, scatter our gears in the wind,
cut the bough you're perched on,
and cut the trunk too, cuckoo -
kill him, who dispenses time!"
That's why I have ten locks on each clock.
And outside my window - ten thousand cocks:
"What do we want? Time! When do we want it? NOW!
Broadcast the radio beeping at noon as soon as you can!"
I'll unlock the locks: Cuckoo, here ten thousand cocks.
They were asking for time. They wanted to smell it, to rub it,
to taste it on their tongues - and, maybe, to pinch a bit to hold it in remembrance.
Tell them the centrally planned Moscow time.
Our time we'll keep to ourselves.
Besides, I haven't got time to open my window every hour and shout "Coo-coo!"
Even without that, I'm already out of time. And time won't just stand there.
It'll stop coming to me, getting under my clothes and cooling my spine,
stirring my hair, streaming through fingers,
winding round the tip of my fountain-pen
and trickling down, clinging to paper, bundled in scrawls.
I'll simply remain numb-struck, like a clock with a lock.
Like that big-time clock on the Kremlin tower,
that sucks out time of our lives,
then gives us a little time
but the bulk of it keeps for inside circulation
and the important needs of time management.
A clock that never blinks.
Nor rings, nor chirps, nor squeaks,
nor cries, nor grumbles, nor creaks…
Like that clock.
Like that clock with a shiny red star -
Just a clock...
A clock...
Clock...
Lock...
Ock...
Ck...
k..
...
..
.

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Red Square wrote: Image


Most Equal!


Red Square wrote: "What do we want? Time! When do we want it? NOW!
Broadcast the radio beeping at noon as soon as you can!"

Of course you know this is The Roosters favorited line...

Is is morning yet?

COCK-A-DOOOOOOODLE
DOOOOOOOOooooooo!

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Red Square,

May I have minute of your time to read my humble post?

I haven't had a chance lately to tell you how blessed we all are to have you as our Glorious Leader! You are the most wise compassionate person and it is an honor to serve the party with you holding our banner most high.

(hmmm......Groveling and sucking-up done.......Check)


Far be it for me to point out any potential problems with this promotion for the Colonel, but since we are speaking about time, there well be a point in the future that we should address now.

(Humility and sneakiness seed planted to further my own selfish interests......Check)

It would seem that the Colonel's added responsibilities would cause him to have to neglect certain duties he has been performing for the Revolutionary Guards. I am sure the ground units under his wise command and brilliant leadership will continue to perform brilliantly.

(sucking up to Colonel before I stab him in the back right in front of Red Square........Check)

I fear that the naval units under his command will be neglected though, as the burden will be to much for him to handle, with these new duties.

( A twofer!!!!!! Fake sympathy for the Colonel and false concern demonstrated in front of Red Square........CHECK!!!)

As you know Red Square I do have background Commanding Naval Units and I have noticed that a Commodore for the Peoples Navy has never been appointed by the Party as there was no need to in past as the Colonel could balance all his responsibilities at that time most equally.

(I'm on a on a roll!!!!!! Back the Colonel into corner with more cheesy praise........Check!!!

I would like to humbly offer my services for the position of Commodore of the Peoples Navy and have all manpower, units, assets and budgetary funding that has been set aside to be transferred to my direct control from the Colonel. I only ask this to support our beloved Party and the Colonel, so that he can continue to grow in his ever expanding duties to the Party.

(Backstabbing, intrigue, and a powerplay all rolled into one.........CHECK!)

Very Respectfully,

Comrade Snoogie Woogums

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Red Rooster,

I join you in your praise for the Colonel!!!!


Pssst.......Nice power-play on my part to weasel his naval units to my control dont'cha think. We are going places Red you and I!

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Comrade Snoogie Woogums,

You're already where I wish I was, a most equal comrade who enjoys a good KFC three piece meal! Unfortunately my cannibal days are ahead of me!

I Hope(TM) Glorious Leader Red Square finds it in his most equal disposition to regognize your glorious attributes to The Party(TM), as he has recognized the Colonel's new found, and most appropriate position.

If all else fails, I suggest slapping together a thread on your own declaration of your own great gifts, just like The One and the Colonel, and proclaiming yourself...
King of Infinite Space...
though you be instead a nutshell of a small mustached infant.
(or more aptly King of Infinite Seas and Horizons)

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All of this time business is sheer nonsense. Everything comes down to redistribution. After reading Red Square's poetry, I must conclude that he had way too much time on his hands. That excess time should have been donated to those with no time to spare.

We only need laws that forbid the hoarding of time. Taking a short cut to "save time" should be forbidden unless that saved time is redistributed. There are so many people who just need a little more time and there are far too many greedy pigs with time to spare.

Free time for all. Every day the clocks should be reset so that every person has exactly the same amount of time. At the end of the day anyone with time left should give it to someone who's in need of time. That way the clocks can be balanced.

Geez, it's so freakin' simple, must I think of everything?

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Comrade Red Square, my heart swells with gratitude. I shall make some appropriate changes later when I change day into night, and allocate more time to do so. In fact, to me the changes have been done, but I have yet to release that piece of time to the masses.

A most interesting poem, and one I can see being written in the Glorious and Noble time of The Soviet Union.

Comrade Snoogie, you are a clever little bastard. I think you will do well in the back stabbing department.

I nominate Comrade Snoogie Woogums for People's Commodore(TM). Provided of course, given as I do live on a boat, that my craft remain under my command.

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Comrade Red Square, despite my ability to alter space and time for The Party Good(TM) I am unable to upload the noble avatar you have created for me, as the pesky software insists it must be 80 pixels by 80 pixels.

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Comrade Whoopie, I think you have too much time on your hands to criticize Comrade Red Square's use of time. Therefore, I am redistributing some of your time to a more worthy cause; namely harvesting in the beet fields.

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There you go Colonel, your all upgraded.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

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Comrade Rooster, you get an extra hour of time tonight to with as you care (within reason of course) for your efforts.

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That's a formidable looking avatar you got there, Colonel 7.62. Congratulations! It is well deserved.

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Ahh, an hour extra to be distributed to Comrade Leninka as well.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Comrade Red Square, my heart swells with gratitude. I shall make some appropriate changes later when I change day into night, and allocate more time to do so. In fact, to me the changes have been done, but I have yet to release that piece of time to the masses.

A most interesting poem, and one I can see being written in the Glorious and Noble time of The Soviet Union.

Comrade Snoogie, you are a clever little bastard. I think you will do well in the back stabbing department.

I nominate Comrade Snoogie Woogums for People's Commodore(TM). Provided of course, given as I do live on a boat, that my craft remain under my command.



CONGRATULATIONS COLONEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Glorious Day for the Party, your Avatar is most impressive. My hat is off to you Sir on your well deserved promotion.

If our mentor and inspiration Red Square in his infinite wisdom does see fit that I can handle the duties and responsibilities to be the People's Commodore of our Glorious Navy, and the inner party also agrees to your nomination of my humble little self, rest assured that your personal craft will always be under your wise command.

Also rest assured that the People's Navy repair and dry-dock facilities, should the need arise to effect repairs and upgrades to your boat will always be available at no cost to you as I will use lot's of OPM instead in our true Prog tradition.

Again Colonel..........CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Comrade Snoogie, you do not understand. As Time Commissar, I am able to retroactively change what I see fit. That includes who is in command of my boat. So it will always be me. Be careful, lest I redistribute all of your time to a more noble cause.

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Comrade Snoogie,

Permission to assume command of revolutionary Navy granted. I guess the misunderstanding between you and Colonel is purely semantic and based on what the meaning of "maritime" is. The cursed word seems to have both "marine" and "time" in it, which creates the impression that he who controls the whole, also controls the parts.

I wonder if we have an expert on the Cube who can shed some light on the issue.

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Congratulations to Comrade Commodore Snoogie Woogums!

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This might explain why I feel so darn old! I might be "20" by those RethugliKKKan scumbags, but I think my spine has fallen, my arches are gone, almost, and I can't remember my birthday, or breakfast.

Commissar of time, please help me!

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Commissar Elliot, cheer up! According to People's Time(TM) you are still young and capable of serving The Party(TM). If you do not feel that way, it is because you are not a True Believer(TM) and are doubting the Socialist Agenda(TM). Surely you do not wish a show trial for claiming The Party(TM) is in error do you? Smile, grab your shoulder, and head to the fields for a few hours of rejuvenation therapy. Meanwhile, as an Inner Party(TM) member, you qualify for some Other People's Time(TM). Like OPM, OPT is taken from those who do not need it, and given over to serve the needs of The Party(TM). Given the success of Planned Parenthood, we have many, many, many years of OPT available to you now. Go forth, and rejoice! The Party(TM) has served your needs!

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Thanks for the advice. (Jumps in the air in happiness) (SNAP!) OW! My back. . .

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Ahh, an hour extra to be distributed to Comrade Leninka as well.

Thank you, Colonel 7.62. I just had a shot of vodka an hour ago, and I don't feel a thing.

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I took the liberty of redistributing some lyrics from The Guess Who for our noble progressive cause.

No time left for you
On my way to socialist things
No time left for you
I'll listen to the song Obama sings
No time left for you
Liberal ideals are calling me
No time left for you.

No time for a conservative friend
No time for the hate they send
Obama has change for you and I
You need not question why
You need not question why
There's no time left for you
No time left for you.

No time left for you
On my way to socialist things
No time left for you
I'll listen to the song Obama sings
No time left for you
Liberal ideals are calling me
No time left for you.

No time for rational debate
No time for right wing hate
No time for capitalist whores
No time for the trading floor
No time for the wall street floor
There's no time left for you
No time left for you.

No time for a conservative friend
No time for the hate they send
Obama has change for you and I
You need not question why
You need not question why
There's no time left for you
No time left for you.

No Time, No Time, No Time, No Time
No Time, No Time, No Time, No Time

I got, got, got, got no time
I got, got, got, got no time
I got, got, got, got no time

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Commissar_Elliott wrote:Thanks for the advice. (Jumps in the air in happiness) (SNAP!) OW! My back. . .

You best consult with your health care commissar. You do have an allocation of time for medical purposes of course.

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Red Square wrote:Comrade Snoogie,

Permission to assume command of revolutionary Navy granted. I guess the misunderstanding between you and Colonel is purely semantic and based on what the meaning of "maritime" is. The cursed word seems to have both "marine" and "time" in it, which creates the impression that he who controls the whole, also controls the parts.

I wonder if we have an expert on the Cube who can shed some light on the issue.


Red Square,

I am honored beyond words for this promotion. I will perform my revolutionary duties in defense of the Party and the current truth with zeal! In my first official act as Commodore, I have designed an award and it is with pride that you shall be the very first person to receive this.

I present you the following Award on behalf of our Glorious People's Navy.
Image


May you always have Far Winds and Following Seas, oh Glorious and most wise Leader!

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Also, I now have all the Time(TM) in the world to debate this matter. Praise Stalin!

Time
is on our side.
Oh, yes it is.
Time
is always on our side
oh, yes it is.
Now, you always say
that you want to be free...
But
you come running back
you come running back
you come running back
when we tell you real freedom is free clocks from the Party
(All controlled by the Comrade Colonel)

(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)

Clock 'em, Colonel.

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Colonel 7.62,

Please enjoy this little token of my appreciation.



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Colonel 7.62 wrote:
Commissar_Elliott wrote:Thanks for the advice. (Jumps in the air in happiness) (SNAP!) OW! My back. . .

You best consult with your health care commissar. You do have an allocation of time for medical purposes of course.
Well of course, because even though AmeriKKKa has yet to embrace our socialist medicine way, that doesn't mean our society hasn't. Good thing I took a number two years ago.

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Great award, Comrade Woogums! I'll add it to my collection of awards we have accumulated on the People's Cube. Glad to be your honorary shipmate.

If you're the one who made this graphic, can you change the bourgeois "golden swab" to the "swab of truth"? And also reduce the saturation to make it look more like the People's Cube award and less like something used in hazing ceremonies at the other kind of party by the other kind of party members.

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Red Square

More than happy to follow your orders. Would this suffice?


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Excellent! You could've kept the red background, but this is also fine. Perhaps at the bottom you could even place the name of the awarding department of which you are a Commodore. Speaking of which, you may even consider adding this proud title to your user name. It can be easily done in your profile.

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Red Square

Title Updated, Avatar changed to a suitable new visage for my new duties.

Award updated to reflect your wise advise!

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Comrade Elliott,

A mere two decades and already devoted heart and soul to the Revolution. I am proud and shall willingly redistribute my pride as needed!

However, these physical matters you mentioned, they make me think, "I've fallen, and I can't get up," which might be before your time, young Soviet Man. If this is the case, perhaps you can use the Crapper, a DPRK government improvement on a sound-tripped device that turned lights on and off with the slogan "Clap on, clap off, the Clapper."

The Crapper brings a community organizer to your house: "Crap on, crap off, the Crapper." The only problem, from your point of view, is that it's the users of Crappers who get flushed, not their problems.

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Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote: Title Updated, Avatar changed to a suitable new visage for my new duties.

We most humbly submit this avatar for your consideration Commodore...

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If you like it, or would like changes, oh seafaring one, let us know.

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Red Rooster,

PLEASE USE THIS AVATAR FOR ME!!!!!


With one small exception,,,,,,,,,, Please, Replace Motherland UFO & Mind Control Guru with

"Distributor of Total Nautical Nonsense"

Then we will be to go!

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Comrade Red Rooster,

One quibble: Should that "s" not be a Cyrillic "c"?

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Comrade Tovarich,

I beg your countenance, of the 10 "s"'s, I know not to which you are referring. The 0ne has not educated my offices in proper "calibration."

Yabbba-Dabbba-Dooooooooo!

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Comrade Red Rooster,

I was under the impression that you had fought the good fight in selflessly enhancing Commodore Snoogie Woogums' avatar, which includes an "S" on his progressive headgear. In the Cyrillic alphabet, I do believe that should be a "C" as in CCCP.

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Ah hah! Yes, I admit it dammit! It was me, O.K!?! Sorry! Geez!

The S on he's hat stands for Snoogie, it was on his original hat too, only half cut off. Did you think it stood for Soviet? So an S is a C in the Cyrillic alphabet?

Did you hear that Commodore Cnoogie Woogumc?

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Er, this means the bearer of the hat sees noogie. Is that a Party approved activity? It sounds, so, decadent.

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Yes, Comrade Snoogie definitely sees noogie! And I'm pretty sure it's Party approved, what with many hippie progressive children breast feeding until their 10 years old these days and all!

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That means public breast-feeding, just like in a Third World village, right? Well, if EarthFirst! gets around to covertly introducing spitting vipers or whatever from India, a good timely jet of breast milk to the eyes can save vision. So Om!

Hey, is it me or is Gaia sexist? How about Girlia or Shimia? I have done the shimmy, I think, as a child.

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Time has been updated:

I Denounce Temporal Privilege


Spring forward, comrades! Forward for progress!


[img]/images/various_uploads/Free_Time_Laocoon_Poster.jpg[/img]


 
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