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ATF's Role Expanded, Now Includes Light Bulbs

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BELTSVILLE, MD -- The mission of the rewly renamed Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, and Light Bulbs (ATFLB) has been expanded, with appropriate budget and personnel increases for the new duties. Acting Director Kenneth E. Melson made the surprise announcement today that they will soon be responsible for ensuring transition from incandescent light bulbs to compact fluorescent lamp (CFL) bulbs in homes across the country. He said "Our job is to bring to justice those who don't comply with the laws intended to make our green future a reality. Today it is light bulbs, but tomorrow could be household temperature settings, unused appliances left on around your house, cutting your lawn too often with a gas mower - there are many areas under consideration, once the proper laws are in place."

Congress has been considering making the Patriot Act permanent so the ATFLB has the surveillance tools they need for their new role.

The measures are similar to the creation of the Flush Enforcement Agency with passage of the Energy Policy Act of 1992. For 17 years, the FEA has been tracking down and capturing violators of the 1.6 Gallons Per Flush law, as well as disrupting illegal toilet trafficking rings.


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The Hell Gazette contributed to this article.

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BATFLB? That would make their new new nickname "Bat Fag Libs". Very fitting.


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Can we put them in charge of restaurants serving glasses of water? San Antonio has been in extreme water rationing, and one of the cures is not serving water unless people want it. (This may make more people drive drunk, so it's a two-fer. Save water, preach to people and throw them in jail.)

San Antonio's water comes largely from an aquifer which has a fish in it. It's not a native fish--as though that mattered--it's just catfish food which someone put there a few decades ago. But that minnow is more important than the second-biggest city in Texas.

Which is as it should be. Nothing is more important than food for a catfish, which we should not eat because we're vegan.

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Praise the glorious minnow!

Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives and Light Bulbs should be a convience store; not a government agency.

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7.62, every single one of those things is something that someone might enjoy.

Which means that they must be regulated. Do you not have any sympathy for people who are bossy, of limited intelligence, and who have no ability? How would they survive if they weren't paid by government to make other people miserable?

I ask you, have you no sympathy?

To the beet fields with you.

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Comrade Theocritus, I have sympathy. In fact I fully use my regular amount of Sympathy(TM) to the greatest extreme. And if I don't, well I go back and change the record to show that I did.

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I thought they also wanted to regulate Toilet Paper? ... <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/c ... html">Save the earth</a>.

So we have:

Alcohol
Tobacco
Firearms
Explosives
Light Bulbs
Toilet Papep

A few more things we really need regulated, provided someone may enjoy them:

Marijuana
Condoms
Oxygen

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I think that we should regulate charity. If you make over $250K only 28% of your charitable contributions should be deductible. That's what Lord Obowma wanted to do, you know. And why not? It's not a charity if it's not an approved charity.

Pavel Shovelindasky
some bright ideas out there



 
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