Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:Terrific! Our benevolent government has streamlined the process. I remember the days when they made you jump through hoops just to receive the 1526-8599 L request form for a #2 pencil in order to fill out the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms.

It truly is wonderful the way our Party Officials care about the People™.

-Mikhail

BNM wrote: For any additional information or if you have any questions/concerns, please call our toll-free hotline which will be operational by 2015. Thanks!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Actually they do still require a 1526-8599 L request form for the required #2 Needs Management form pencil. They also need a 1249-5677 X form for the eraser that goes with the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

One of Chairman's contacts who will for now remain anonymous wrote:Dearest Comrade Chairman,

Upon hearing these glorious news I have proactively organized the community in my Novy York oblast and the community has appointed me to be their public filer of all the above forms.

This is a free selfless public service on my part, mind you, even though I was forced to give in to the community's demand and accept 50% of their future rations obtained through my filing of said forms. Of these 50% I will be happy to share half with you for your absolutely free and volunteer effort to make sure that all my submitted forms are processed expediently.

The only problem is that I only have a 0.7 mm PaperMate(R) capitalist pencil, which I used to fill out all of the forms. Perhaps an additional 5% of the rations might make you want to consider that in some cases, the Common Good can overrule the bureaucratic requirements concerning the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

Please also consider that 5% of the Novy York oblast rations amount to 1,578 metric tons of beets, 865 liquid tons of vodka, and 25.5 kilometers of toilet paper (127,500 single-use squares).

Between us comrades, I have also made arrangements with a very decent and sympathetic industrialists named Rezko who has ways to convert all of these "surplus" rations through his foreign contacts into cash, conveniently accessible via an anonymous offshore account.

What say you?

I - Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko - in all my grace and awesomeness wrote:Dearest Anonymous Contact who may or may not be my slut of an ex-wife,

I have never seen such a cunning businessperson before among the rank-and-file – your skills are superb, Comrade. Why, you had me going for a while with your talk of cutting me in on all the scratch you are making with this paperwork racket. I have to admit I did give the idea of a partnership with you much considered thought.

HOWEVER, as a Party Chairperson with powers that dictate the life and death of those around me of “lesser human value”, I must kindly reject your proposal of cutting me 50% and must now, sadly, demand that you give me the full 110% of all profits, proceeds and anything else you or yours may posses of monetary value. It is the duty of all Comrades – all Comrades, mind you (except me and mine) – to sacrifice the full 110% for the Greater Good. Hillary asks no more of us but to give the full 110% - that is all she asks of us, Comrade.

Now then, I am going to give you a list of options to choose from which will determine the fate of you are your Comrades at the Novy York Oblast:

1 – Give me the money and everything else you are your criminal band of thieves may have – this includes fillings, jewelry, food, copper piping, stoves, appliances, siding, insulation, wood, oil, medical supplies blankets and brand-name clothing.

2 – Go to the Gulag and eat nothing but those collected ration cards that expired on and between the dates November 1, 2006 through March 26, 2008. Ever had to eat boiled ration cards before, Comrade? Hmm? It is not a pleasant experience – especially when taking a Kwame.

Those are your choices, Comrade!

Take care,

Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko

P.S – Never use “what say you” again! Do you want to be Bill O'Reilly or something? Huh? Is he your hero!? ARE YOU WATCHING HIS PROGRAM!?! CONFESS! CONFESS YOUR CRIMES!

Commissar Pupovich wrote: Did I forget to mention that as it happens, I have several tons of #2 Pencils that I stocked up on during the slack period for candidates wishing to be considered in the Party Houses? Please feel free to direct any inquiries for these to me and I shall see that they are shipped out as quickly as possible.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Do I still get to keep my condo at "The Dachas at Potemkin Village™"?

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:

Commissar Pupovich wrote: Did I forget to mention that as it happens, I have several tons of #2 Pencils that I stocked up on during the slack period for candidates wishing to be considered in the Party Houses? Please feel free to direct any inquiries for these to me and I shall see that they are shipped out as quickly as possible.

For a hefty sum of money and/or favors, right? I mean... you aren't just going to give them away and ship them in a timely fashion, right? That would be just madness if you did! MADNESS I SAY!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Mmmm... kitties. I like slow cooked kitties with a side of slaw.

Commissar Pupovich wrote:You need to think out of the box Premier...

Commissar Pupovich wrote:True enough, just trying to use Puppy Mind Meld on the Premier to have him accept the Puppy Poop in his yard as something to be desired.