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ATTENTION: Special Progressive Alert Messages (SPAM)

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Spam-Enlightened Comrades,

I have sorted and analyzed the top 9 categories of SPAM lovingly provided to yours truly during a single afternoon this fine fall weekend. As you know, Special Progressive Alert Messages, (SPAM) are provided free of charge to all Party members in good standing.* Each week SPAM provides us additional evidence of progress toward Next Tuesday™, but this week has been doubleplus-special. Party Researchers have just announced that two more troublesome diseases have been eradicated, i.e., Alzheimer's and Diabetes!

In other news, Party officials are continuing their efforts to confuse and demoralize proles by spreading conflicting information regarding salads and drinking water. Only last year operatives at our think tanks and broadcast outlets were actively promoting the benefits of drinking 8 glasses of water daily and gobbling bowls fresh salad. Now that phase 2 of our conflicting data campaign is underway we can expect the masses to focus on organizing protest marches to ban salad and water rather than Dear Leader's activities. A welcome break indeed!

SPAM Categories are in bold. Individual SPAM message headers follow each category. I have added a few comments (in red italics) for clarification when necessary. Feel free to add to my list. All submissions will be considered equally unfit unless otherwise noted.
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* Don't forget to forward your mandated donation to your local redistribution center!

Cure for Alzheimer's - It's finally here - the antidote for Alzheimer's; In-depth research at Yale uncovers Alzheimer's cure; Breaking CNN Report on Alzheimer's cure; Alzheimer's cure gives seniors a 2nd lease on life; Seniors with Dementia - Yale Univ. reports a cure within 18 days.

Cure for Diabetes - Jailed For Curing Diabetes; Man STUMBLES Upon 30-Second Diabetes Curing Secret; All natural, permanent CURE for diabetes; This SECRET could bring down the Diabetes Industry.

Salad Danger - Level (3) threat level issued on eating salads by CDC; CDC Says: Salads Lead to Organ Failure; CDC Banning Salads from Restaurants; A salad could be deadly to your health; Elevated warning - eating salads increases chance of death by 10X; Danger associated with eating (any) salads; (1) salad could kill you; Medical Journals say salads now harmful to us; Your insides are being destroyed by these vegetables; (AP) CDC Issues Ban on Salads; Death as a result of eating salads

Poison Water - A glass of water at lunch will kill you; Do not drink water as it is linked to symptoms of organ failure; Drinking water - it's not safe any more; FOX-Live: Your drinking water is tainted; PSA - Milk worse than smoking? (Cows don't smoke, but they do drink lots of water! Beware)

Weight Loss - A month without water = lose 55 lbs (Water makes you fat - don't drink it!); The fastest way to shred 50 lbs in 3 weeks; Do this to drop 10-percent body fat in 3 weeks; Man Loses 53 Lbs Of Fat, Causes Doctors To Scream; Rachael tells all, including how she did it; Oz's and Rachael rapid belly melt; 0prah's Shocking Secret

Female Satisfaction - (someone sent me Comrade Tovarichi's e-mail by mistake) - Vydox - Secrets to perfect female satisfaction; A cure for your poor performance in bed; Recapture that lost feeling

Warning of Future Events? - Re: Your arrest record - (Details Inside); Mysterious "water of life" vanishes? (militaries on alert) (should this be in the Poison Water category?); Revealed information about your future; Someone's conducted background-check on you. Review-results now; Great things are about to happen; Get ready for good news; Get ready for bad news; Promising month in store for you; You wont believe this; The TRUTH about your glasses; Is it possible that the president is insane? (I'm sure this last one came from a Teabagger troublemaker)

Unknown Meaning - Dr. OZ Endorses Forskolin (this may belong in the Female Satisfaction category, but I'm not sure); The nurse said do this or die. (I put this one here cause I don't have a category for S&M)

If All Else Fails - Burial life insurance for less than a cup of coffee.

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I have my spam with my eggs in the morning. It is lovely. You should try it.

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Captain Craptek wrote:Party officials are continuing their efforts to confuse and demoralize proles by spreading conflicting information regarding salads

Tell those Party officials they can go toss each other's salads. I want my melting pot back.

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I see many apparent offers to turn weird tricks. In what category should such offers be placed?


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Be advised: Certain Party members have misunderstood the meaning of "Forskolin" as mentioned in my report. No, it is not connected in any way with our Jewish brothers and sisters and their traditional Feast of the Circumcision!

For those who care: Forskolin (also called Coleonol) is a labdane diterpene that is produced by the Indian Coleus plant (Coleus forskohlii). Forskolin is commonly used to raise levels of cyclic AMP (cAMP) in the study and research of cell physiology. Forskolin activates the enzyme adenylyl cyclase and increases intracellular levels of cAMP. cAMP is an important second messenger necessary for the proper biological response of cells to hormones and other extracellular signals. It is required for cell communication in the hypothalamus/pituitary gland axis and for the feedback control of hormones. Cyclic AMP acts by activating cAMP-sensitive pathways such as protein kinase A and Epac.


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I don't think he ought to be defender of the people's nuts if he's going to crack every "container"

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Actually, Comrades, I get emails every day about these subjects. Just the other day I got one that said, and I quote, "Men twice your age are having sex so much that their wives are speechless." Another one asks: "Can you handle 300% more sex?" My answer, including my spouse's, would be: "Who would want to?" Don't you have anything else to do with your life?

I have a great loving time with my spouse!

The one that makes my flesh crawl is the one that entices you to discover the "little pink secret". God, this is so disgusting. Let me guess: Is it a pill or a pussy? Just click to find the answer.

Well, since I'm definitely not a man, I couldn't care less. Since I'm a woman, well, a man twice my age? Ha! I'd really like to see that! (I will not reveal my age but, trust me, it's scientifically impossible for this to happen.) No offense to guys who think differently. ; • ) Good luck, honeys!

Go ahead! Prove me wrong! There are real deals on Viagra online! Seriously. (with life threatening side affects)

Please, we love you for who you are, even if you are an asshole!


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Tovarichi wrote:

I don't think he ought to be defender of the people's nuts if he's going to crack every "container"

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UhOhh.jpg




Ouch! I'm guessing this guy took a direct hit from a crotch rocket. I hope they were able to locate the body - for the family's sake.

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An important new sub category was added this week to Salad Danger - Other Poisonous Food. In the past week alone we've been notified through Party SPAM that strawberries, tomato, wheat, banana, coffee, flour, and chocolate have been linked to death. (no particular kind of death specified)




And today the worst news of all has just broken!

Toxic warning on all US food sources

US FOOD IS TOXIC

The food you have been buying and consuming has been poisoned for years with highly toxic substances.

October 3rd - I strongly suggest you see this. There is just one thing you can do

Read Story Now!"


And finally, a SPAM question was posed at 3:30 PM: Is Marijuana the Answer to Ebola?

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Captain Craptek wrote:
Update.jpg


An important new sub category was added this week to Salad Danger - Other Poisonous Food. In the past week alone we've been notified through Party SPAM that strawberries, tomato, wheat, banana, coffee, flour, and chocolate have been linked to death. (no particular kind of death specified)




And today the worst news of all has just broken!

Toxic warning on all US food sources

US FOOD IS TOXIC

The food you have been buying and consuming has been poisoned for years with highly toxic substances.

October 3rd - I strongly suggest you see this. There is just one thing you can do

Read Story Now!"


And finally, a SPAM question was posed at 3:30 PM: Is Marijuana the Answer to Ebola?
Indeed, dear Comrade Squirrel, it is a known fact that all food is linked to death. All who have eaten food either have died already or will eventually die. QED.

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RedDiaperette wrote: Indeed, dear Comrade Squirrel, it is a known fact that all food is linked to death. All who have eaten food either have died already or will eventually die. QED.

Exactly, Comrade RedD! Thank you for corroborating my primary point. Your testimony only adds weight to my original assertion that Party SPAM has, and will continue to have, a positive influence on members of our collective!

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Dedhedvedev wrote:
Captain Craptek wrote:Party officials are continuing their efforts to confuse and demoralize proles by spreading conflicting information regarding salads

Tell those Party officials they can go toss each other's salads. I want my melting pot back.
Good one there, Dedhedvedev!

In addition, if necessary, I can toss my own damn salad, as well as my spouse's! Back off!

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I'm sure you all have heard the anagram (I think that's what they call it) FUNEMNX, right? (Have you any ham and eggs)

I propose a new anagram: FUNESNX. Yes, Spam and eggs are a featured menu item all over Hawaii. They have it piled in artful displays in all grocery stores, even WalMart.

Oh, the irony! Hawaii voted for a muzzie. There you have it.

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Pamalinsky wrote:[highlight=#FFFF99]I'm sure you all have heard the anagram (I think that's what they call it) FUNEMNX, right?[/highlight] (Have you any ham and eggs)

I propose a new anagram: FUNESNX. Yes, Spam and eggs are a featured menu item all over Hawaii. They have it piled in artful displays in all grocery stores, even WalMart.

Oh, the irony! Hawaii voted for a muzzie. There you have it.

Why was I not informed of this FUNEMNX? How can I defend the people's nuts while meaningless "terms" are floating about the commune undefined? Huh? I must say,..sometimes it's just plain depressing!


 
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