Comrades, how many times have you been out drinking with fellow apparatchiks, only to find yourself waking up face to face with Quasimodo's snoring daughter, or son, or transgendered progeny (depending on your preference) the following morning?

That's right, you're panicking, realizing that your "beer goggles" have led you astray and now you'd rather chew off your arm than risk waking up the aesthetically challenged person next to you.

Well, progressive researchers at Britain's Manchester University of have developed a new formula to explain the “beer goggles” effect. Here is its mathematical expression:

β = (An)² × δ(S+1)
√L × (Vo)²

Key:

An = number of units of alcohol consumed.
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky).
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting).
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard).
δ = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres).
-----------------------------

Proudly wearing my "wine goggles" at least three times a week,

--Dr. P

I must say, an overall sound formula! However, I think they'd get an even more accurate measure of the effect if they accounted somehow for the density of females per male at the given venue. It's been my experience that at sausage parties, I mean, venues dominated by men, the beer goggle effect increases exponentially as the number of beers mount and the number of available females diminishes.

I wish they would have come out with this a few years ago. Armed with this most useful bit of research, I would probably be less reviled by certain individuals today.

Dearest Comrade Canem,

I find myself yet again dragging you, kicking and screaming, into the more progressive tomorrow. It doesn't matter if it's a "sausage party" or a "meat factory" -- no, what matters is you have the opportunity to experiment and wander into the brave new world of omni-sexual bliss. Embrace San-Francisco Values™ comrade and take your pick of either male, plant, animal (dead or alive), bowl of oatmeal or just settle down with a nice toaster or microwave. Society will not become progressive until you force everyone at your "sausage party" (which is chauvinistic mind you!) into a seething group orgy of democratic happiness!

Ask yourself: What Would Bonnie Fwank Do? (or who for that matter.)

Where's the "peer pressure" variable. You need to factor in your drunken "friends" who are attempting to get you to screw the ugliest creature/inanimate object in the room.

Premier Betty wrote:Where's the "peer pressure" variable. You need to factor in your drunken "friends" who are attempting to get you to screw the ugliest creature/inanimate object in the room.

You mean the "beer pressure" variable, yes? I think that's the basis of Dr. P's post

The MLB players refer to this activity as "slump busting"...grabbing the ugliest groupie in the lobby/lounge/whatever, doing the nasty i.e. "taking one for the team", and thus hoping to "bust a slump" and improve the team errr collective!

That is a good formula... for now. But soon it will need to incorporate the burqa factor.

Dr. Chimps' plan to dress all American womyn in burqas will surely eliminate the unhealthy competition and establish equality for all. Womyn will no longer have to be depressed about their self-image and spend endless hours in the malls or in front of the mirror. Imagine how much more time they will now be able to devote to their true calling, which is to participate in Code Pink peace protests and street rallies! PINK BURQAS FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMYN!

This will also make the above formula obsolete. All that will be required of the male partner is a physical ability to perform his duty to the community with an object inside the burqa, regardless of such superficial factors as makeup, hair, cleanliness, age, gender, or species.

Since tobacco smoke impedes such ability, there shall be no "smokiness" in any public place, unless it's the product of a healthy, free-range, organic, and therapeutic cannabis pollen. Tobacco smoke has already been banned in most public places anyway. We're just waiting for the next shoe to drop: burqas!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Ask yourself: What Would Bonnie Fwank Do? (or who for that matter.)

Estimable Komrade Chairman:
Bonnie Fwank would stawt cwying about the hawd qwestions the eeeeee-vil Cwis Wawace asked him on the dweaded Fox News Sunday, don a pink flaming pink burqa, and then get back to the People's business of running sexual favors out of his Bostonograd score pad with his life pawtner.

Dearest friend and colleague from The Peoples Necrohaven of Wisconsin, comrade Cave Canem, most deliciously wrote:
Estimable Komrade Chairman:
Bonnie Fwank would stawt cwying about the hawd qwestions the eeeeee-vil Cwis Wawace asked him on the dweaded Fox News Sunday, don a pink flaming pink burqa, and then get back to the People's business of running sexual favors out of his Bostonograd score pad with his life pawtner.

Yeah, he was squirming around a bit wasn't he? I think he was either uncomfortable being grilled by Wallace or he was being twickled by one of his many fwabulous congwessional stwaffers!

(speaking of which, he's on O'Reilly right now!)

Speaking of Bonnie Fwank, check out how Google celebwates Fwank by the sincewest form of fwattery. Read the lines that belong to Google - anyone noticed anything funny?

Yeah, in 2 of the pictures, he's got his hand on that other guy's arse!

OK, then try this seawch

Okay, that's a little more obvious to my blind senses. How'd you do that?

Take a closer look at the URL...

Red Square wrote:Speaking of Bonnie Fwank, check out how Google celebwates Fwank by the sincewest form of fwattery. Read the lines that belong to Google - anyone noticed anything funny?

My God!! He doesn't have any teeth!!!!!

I wonder why he doesn't have any teeth? Hmmmmmm?

He's been eating too many dinners of hot meat with that guy who he's touching on the ass.

I'm personally offended by this whole thread.

We need to get past the bourgeois conventions that categorizes people (and/or inanimate objects) according to sexual desirability.

Equal nooky for all.

Sometimes you have to step up and take one for the party. Close your eyes and think about Comrade Hillary (or Ted Kennedy, Bonny Fwank, Bambi, or Helen the Toaster).