Biden Launches New Imaginary Gun Buyback Initiative

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Inspired by the "Toy Gun" buyback program recently initiated by Hayward California's Strobridge Elementary School principal Charles Hill, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to announce today White House backing of a new "Imaginary Gun" buyback program.

"We have been plagued by a recent rash of imaginary gun incidents in our nation's schools," said Biden spokesman Aldous Orwell. "Children live in terror because of rampant imagination."

Step One of the program would entail registration of imaginary weapons in a National Imaginary Terror Weapon Information Tracking System (NITWITS). Educators will help students fill out a form from NITWITS to see if their imaginations are producing unacceptable thoughts involving a weapon of any kind.

Once the initial database has been created, "At Risk" students will be identified, removed from their regular classes, and subjected to a more rigorous investigation by NITWITS.

Those who insist on clinging to their imaginary guns, will be required to undergo a voluntary self-criticism program.

If their NITWITS counselor is satisfied that the student understands the danger of imagining things that the state deems unacceptable, they will be passed on to Step Two of the program.

Step Two will involve conditioning the "At Risk" students to "trade-in" their unacceptable actions, like pointing their fingers and saying "bang," or pretending to hold a sword while making "schwing" or "ting! tang!" sounds, for more correct thoughts - like rejecting gender stereotypes, or performing community service activities.

This conditioning will require extensive one-on-one sessions with a State Appointed Social Service counselor. The program aims to establish an SASS presence in every public school to ensure that student imagination is carefully monitored and directed.

"Little boys shouldn't be imagining shooting a gun or fighting a dragon," explained Orwell. "A six-year-old should be examining his sexual orientation or thinking about ways he can help make Hope and Change happen."

Orwell stated that the purpose of the public school system was not just to educate, but to reeducate. "A lot of these misguided young people get strange ideas from their parents. It is our duty to correct these thoughts and set these young minds on a path to meaningful community service."

Students who complete Step Two of the program will be presented with a Xeroxed copy of an autographed picture of either Barrack or Michelle Obama, suitable for framing. Presenting students with such a choice is the final touch of the program, designed to stimulate and direct their imagination along correct, pre-approved channels.

Dear Comrades
I must Confess! As a former national member of the Society for Creative Anachronism I did engage in sword play on school properties with both legitimate fencing, and also imaginary (air to air) weapons. And some of the students we held demonstrations for are now Knights in the SCA. While there are no dragons to slay, SCA combatants don armor and fight each other to become, (shudder), Kings of their SCA Kingdoms. And when civilization dies, The Society stands ready to fill the vacuum. While this no longer concerns me, the Party Section should be advised that the day may come when they will be confronted by a band of hopeless romantics in the streets carrying swords, axes, glaves, spears, and other antique implements of war. Be further advised that SCA members have other antique ideas about honor, fealty, and Courtly Love, which the People's Party despises out of hand. From Caid to Drachenwald your Party Prospekt is in one of these Kingdoms. Yet I still admire their slogan: Forward into the Past!

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This is a much more complex issue than it seems at first glance, comrades.

For example, what if the kids are eating imaginary Pop Tarts or fish sticks? Should we automatically just assume that imaginary guns are likely to be chewed into these imaginary foods? Or, perhaps, the imaginary foods might be imaginarily pointed at a fellow student in the lunch room?

Where do we draw the line?

Are the imaginary Pop Tarts and fish sticks eligible for the Xerox copies of Dear Leader or FLATUS?

And if so, what about imaginary sticks, which - as a former child - I can assure you could easily be pretended to be imaginary assault weapons!

This is obviously going to require the formation of an imaginary committee.

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I wonder what Comrade Joe would imagine if he had an imagination ....?


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If the North Koreans only have imaginary food, it is reasonable to assuming that they are transforming this into imaginary weapons of mass destruction. We can avert this disaster by sending EBT cards to the citizens of north Korea. It's for the children.

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Of course rightwingers have a completely predictable reaction to the Imaginary Gun buyback program.


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Can we use the imaginary money to pay off our taxes?

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I suggest augmenting the NITWITS™ therapy and re-education training with these:

[center]Therapy G-Glasses Available At[/center][center]The People's Psychiatric Center[/center][/b][/color]

google glass 2.jpg

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Tommy looks very unhappy in the artwork provided by the boys down in AgitProp. Excellent.

Maksim, I know what you're imagining. Did I imagine I fired six imaginary bullets, or only five? Tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I can't recall myself. So you have to imagine something: can you imagine that you're lucky? Well, can you, punk?

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Can we use the imaginary money to pay off our taxes?

No, Colonel. Only the Government can (and does) spend imaginary money, because the Government imagines itself to be a better imaginary steward of imaginary money than We the People imagine ourselves to be.

Uncle Samuil wants YOU to turn in your finger gun. Only an approved party member like him should be using one.


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Comrade Biden has, however, written legislation that allows people to retain their imaginary force-field walls of defense.


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Comrades, it so happens, that I have some imaginary tanks, a couple of space cruisers (armed with anti-matter cannons and terawatt lasers), and an almost new imaginary nuclear submarine.

What sort of compensation can I expect for all of these? Thanks!

(Oh, and some of my daughter's princesses are armed with rather mean imaginary swords and bows too -- what can she get for those?)

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In a unrelated note.......
Joe "The slowest gun in the west" Biden has vowed revenge on the man who dared to impersonate Barack at a fairly recent Clint Eastwood speech.

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This just in: imaginary ammunition sales soar as DHS, IRS, and TSA announce 1.6 million round purchase of imaginary ammunition.

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Great! This will help the imaginary green shoots sprout more quickly, producing imaginary factories full of imaginary workers making imaginary ammo and paying real taxes.

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The combined heroic selfless effort of some comrades in our collective, such as, Pinkie and El Presidente, have enabled the boys down at the Agitprop basement to come up with this new graphic:


This imaginary gun in your face means that I'm going to extract all your imaginary income by any means imaginable, because We the Government imagine ourselves to be a better imaginary steward of imaginary money than You the People imagine yourselves to be.

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Any imaginary guns that are not voluntarily relinquished will be confiscated via direct order from Dear Leader.


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This man Biden is genius! Stupid liberals focus on silly AR15 - used in only 2% of gun crimes - with belief that if they can ban this one, they can ban all guns! Stupid! If you ban imaginary guns, then you can ban ALL guns, even finger guns, banana guns, and Pop Tart guns! The capitalist population is disarmed in fact and imagination. GENIUS!

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Just to never pass up a teachable moment, I'd like to point out that neither Red Square nor the boys in AgitProp built the Obama-Finger graphic or the caption copy that goes with it. He stole it (as is right and proper for the Party to do) from Pinkie and El Presidente. I must further point out that neither Pinkie nor El Presidente built their source material as used by Red Square, as they were inspired by my original post. Finally, I must point out that I did not build anything either, as I ultimately stole the time it took me to compose the original from the collective.

So who is to blame? Bush.

Who gets the credit: Obama.

Thus should it always be.

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I tried to do some research on the National Imaginary Terror Weapon Information Tracking System (NITWITS), but it must be classified by the government. The people can't be allowed to know what's in it until it's fully implemented, lest the enemies of progress sabotage it.

Instead of NITWITS, I found a link to a site called No connection, except that its creators are asking to be incarcerated within the NITWITS program.

And so on...

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Nice site, Penn's main squeeze, The Godfather.


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Greetings fellow Komrades!

Is good thing none of you kapitalist pigs use Glorious Peoples Weapon in imagination! The Avtomat Kalashnikov is only for use in killing enemies of the Revolution!

Is also good I no kapitalist pig either, and demand royalty for use of Glorious Iconic design in imagination, either! Kalashnikov belongs to the Motherland!

Tovarich Biden head so empty, he could shoot both barrels of his shotgun in his ear, and hit nothing!

Dasvedanya, Komrades! Just say Nyet to kapitalist oppression!