Comrades, Fellow Travelers, and all caring peoples of the world,

I've been withholding some astounding news till official confirmation was received, but today my good comrades, it has finally arrived! Mr. Faki Cobebe, my Nigerian connection, has sent actual confirmation that your humble comrade (Captain Craptek) is the joyous beneficiary of $1.5 million dollars! (I couldn't believe it either!) The money will begin flowing daily in $5,000 increments via Western Union after I provide my Nigerian comrade the basic contact information he requires.

Do you know what this means comrades? Oh, I know some of you out there are saying, "He'll just waste the money on a new nest or useless luxury trinkets like gold plated nut trays. And a few probably figure I'll blow most of it showing Comrade Putout a good time. But that wouldn't be the progressive way,...now would it? No sir.



Tonight I'm making arrangements to forward half of all proceeds to the CPUSA. The other half will be donated directly to OFA in the name of The People's Cube!* Together, these forward thinking groups of Fellow Travelers will use the money in the service of The People™.

Oh, Happy Day!




*A nominal portion of each daily payment will be set aside for administrative purposes.

These ill-gotten gains need to be redistributed to the workers upon who's backs they were made!

I will not tolerate these noveau bourgeois tendencies in any one or in any RODENT!

cough it up. the rent, the supplies for the (ahem) anti-freeze production in tractor barn 2, and there are shovels to be replaced before Pinky sees how worn out they've become and starts using her own on the Kollective again.

It's not a penalty, it's a TAX.

FORWARD!

Comrade Captain Craptek,

Glorious and most equal news! Congratulations! It seems there are many people coming up with such windfalls from Nigerians these days. But it is good that you have taken a nominal administrative fee from your daily payout. There is an entire administration (that of Dear Leader) that needs this money. As Comrade Tovarichi notes, do not avoid paying your fair share, comrade! OFA and CPUSA are indeed worthy causes but neither of them are 501(c)3 groups and therefore you will be taxed on all the money you keep for yourself or give to them. When you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody as our Dear Leader once said. Think of the millions, comrade, who do not have this glorious opportunity to donate to OFA and CPUSA. You will have your money redistributed to those in need of tattoos, cigarettes, lottery tickets, beer, and other things that are essential in this life. And by the way, you didn't build that Nigerian windfall you just got! In fact, you need to pay estimated quarterly taxes on your windfall. Dear Leader needs that money now for his next vacation in a week or so! And the one the week after that too...

You must redistribute these funds to the brave Procol Harum religious service organization that they may not have to kidnap again to share their message of love! The fact that this office is in Burkina Faso means nothing!

Good to see that our Fearless, Beloved, Captain is finally reaping his just rewards for selflessly Serving the people.

I myself labour endlessly in the unselfish service of the Proletariat for over Twelve hours a week, and have nothing to show for it but a humble little suite in Las Angeles. And a tiny(ish), Eco-Freindly, Smart limo. And I am not complaining. Work is a song! Working for the Kollecktive is a Glorious, fulfilling privilege! But, I still would of thought, as I toil till my bones are broken in the agonizingly difficult job of taking the proles money and giving it to others, that they would have been a little more grateful...

So wonderful to see a comrade Movin' On Up!

Comrade Craptek , this is wonderful news indeed. While human decency requires that progressive people of wealth mock and ridicule Christian traditions, morals and beliefs, the simple fact is, that this new found wealth entitles you to spend endless time and money in various endeavors: you can scare the crap out of people by joining unemployed environmental activists living out of Al Gore's airplane hangar or join the beautiful people of Hollywood along with Warren Buffet who will help finance the many happy faces that will continue to march in abortion parades, promote free condoms and gay pride literature at schools and churches. Perhaps some of the money could be used to re-vitalize Cindy Sheehan's fame and or contribute to the Grand Dragon Robert Bird memorial cross burning building or even purchase some Eco-Credits from Al Gore to assuage any guilt of acquiring all this loot. In fact you could also join in with athletes, media types, Sean Penn, and other Hollywood activists to convince the huddled masses to surrender their incomes, jobs, property rights, children and sanity in exchange for the security that only wonderfully ineffective government social programs can provide. The list is endless with that kind of wealth Comrade…..

Wishing you Champagne hope and pocket change forever……Comrade Trashmouth

I assume you will quickly forward this unequal distribution to the appropriate authorities for re-distribution to the less fortunate who may not have Nigerian contacts ... BEFORE you are identified as an enemy in the Class-War™

Comrade Craptek,

Has Dear Leader contacted you about submitting the proceeds directly to him for his 3rd term campaign? If you will do this, he will send you a thank you note, personally signed by an18 year old guest worker a professional staffer with Comrade Obama's photo right on the front of it. Praise be Obama. Think about it, there's truly no better cause in the world at this point in time.

Respectfully,Walrus

PS. As a side note, maybe you could set aside a few $5000 checks for Saving The Planet ™ as now I see we have 500 days before we all die if funds are not deposited with The French at
"21st Conference of the Parties on Climate Change"

PSS. I see you have many suggestions offered to you and a few mild protests running through OWS mammal-like persons on city streets, but don't forget your roots. Comrade Obama comes first, then the planet, then Robin Trower, CPUSA, OFA, ET AL.

More good fortune comes your way, Comrade! The exiled Nigerian Finance Minister just happens to be a distant relative and needs your bank account information to wire an additional US $60,000,000.00 to you![attachment=0]coming-to-america.jpg[/attachment]

I look forward, Comrade Craptek, to your generous redistribution. You see, I have no abilities, but lots and lots of needs!

Mr. Faki Cobebe, my Nigerian connection, has sent actual confirmation that your humble comrade (Captain Craptek) is the joyous beneficiary of $1.5 million dollars! (I couldn't believe it either!) The money will begin flowing daily in $5,000 increments via Western Union after I provide my Nigerian comrade the basic contact information he requires.

I must admit to a twang of class envy when I heard of your good fortune dear Captain. I mean what are the odds......I mean it just has to be like the odds for winning the lottery.


That out of all the species on the planet with e-mail in-boxes, that he would have just chosen yours only to ask for your assistance in handling some delicate international financial affairs!

You are one lucky squirrel!

Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote:

Mr. Faki Cobebe, my Nigerian connection, has sent actual confirmation that your humble comrade (Captain Craptek) is the joyous beneficiary of $1.5 million dollars! (I couldn't believe it either!) The money will begin flowing daily in $5,000 increments via Western Union after I provide my Nigerian comrade the basic contact information he requires.

I must admit to a twang of class envy when I heard of your good fortune dear Captain. I mean what are the odds......I mean it just has to be like the odds for winning the lottery.

That out of all the species on the planet with e-mail in-boxes, that he would have just chosen yours only to ask for your assistance in handling some delicate international financial affairs!

[highlight=#ffff00]You are one lucky squirrel![/highlight]

You are sooooooo right Commodore. And Comrade Cobebe was very clever too. He addressed the message to "Undisclosed Recipients" to add a note of mystery - so nosy neighbors wouldn't realize the true beneficiary! When I get my first check I think I'll order a 10 year supply of walnuts. I can't ever seem to find any around here. And maybe I'll even take Comrade Tovarichi's suggestion and buy everybody a brand new shovel! I wonder if I should open a bank account in Nigeria to keep all my money safe? You know,...away from criminal types??? Ohh,.....my,....so much to worry about now.....being a millionaire isn't easy you know.

and a tractor. I want a new tractor.

Captain,

I think you should get Tovarichi his tractor. It's not that expensive and it can really plow the beet fields in a jiffy.

Remember, this is for The Children ™





PS. Just look at him up there . . . I snapped this shot of him last week at a local farm eyeing the farm girls tractor's headlights.

Comrade Thought Sheriff,

Not to worry at all. I predict that very soon you too will get a glorious email from a Nigerian scammer prince who wants all the info necessary to steal your identity to provide you with a couple million dollars. And if not, I'm sure Comrade Craptek's uh, "friend" could send you an email too at Crapek's request.

Dear me, with all this talk about "buying" and "owning" and other kapitalistic notions, I am beginning to sense creeping revisionism among my beloved comrades. Must I denounce? Nay, surely it cannot be so. Perhaps a few bribes cases of vodka mysteriously appearing in my vicinity will cause me to see clearly the doctrinal purity of fellow Cubeniks.

RedDiaperette wrote:Dear me, with all this talk about "buying" and "owning" and other kapitalistic notions, I am beginning to sense creeping revisionism among my beloved comrades. Must I denounce? Nay, surely it cannot be so. Perhaps a few bribes cases of vodka mysteriously appearing in my vicinity will cause me to see clearly the doctrinal purity of fellow Cubeniks.

It is sad, Comrade Red D, but humans are so predictable. The instant I mentioned donating everything to CPUSA and OFA the cries of poverty and deprivation rang out. "Oh, please,...just a few coins to buy my little sister a new iron lung...PLEASE!" Pathetic........

This whole thing is just nuts.

Or a kick in yours!

Not at all, I think it's pretty funny. Unfortunately, my attempt at a squirrel pun probably crashed and burned like an intoxicated Sciurus carolinensis falling out of a tree. For this I denounce myself and resolve to donate my share* of Craptek's Nigerian millions to my favorite squirrelly charity, "To Serve Fried Squirrels."






* Minus my usual administrative fee, of course.

Comrades, all this alarm over a bit of Green is unnecessary. Progressives can be rich...green is progressive color. The important thing is not that the Twittering Fuzzball Hero of the Proletariat has cash...the Important thing is how and where he received it. If it is taken from the Rich (The Right rich mind you, not the good kind) and if it is used solely in support of the Poor, then I couldn't care less if Captain Craptek, Less than one percent of the Cube, owned ninety nine percent of the wealth in the USSA.

Thought Sheriff wrote:... I couldn't care less if Captain Craptek, Less than one percent of the Cube, owned ninety nine percent of the wealth in the USSA.

A good cop is one that stays bought.

Keep up the fine work, Thought Sherriff

Captain you are not going to believe this but I got an email from the Prince of Nigeria and he wants me to have $9 million because his business is too good. And, he even called me sir, praise be Obama! Wow, what are the odds of us both getting these windfalls, 1 in 10? Anyways, I forwarded all of my banking and securities account information, passwords, along with my social security number, driver's license and a processing fee of $2800. I can't wait to get the money. I wonder how long it takes to wire $9 million into my completely secure money market account? Thanks for the heads up. If it weren't for you, I would likely have missed this opportunity and deleted the email.

At last Comrade Walrus, we now know the secret of the 1%!!! Praise Ob The People's™ Utopia of Nigeria!

Just do not let your enthusiasm cloud your judgment...Keep you Cube password closely guarded. No amount of capitalist-breaking power is worth that.

Komrad Craptek,

I'll feign with you your Good News™, but a secret source of mine has gossiped to me that Lois Lerner wants your phone number. It's good to see that now you can financially keep up with (fat) Mickey Moore-on at the buffet table.

Sugar Daddy Bear wrote:Komrad Craptek,

I'll[highlight=#FFFF99] feign [/highlight]with you your Good News™, but a secret source of mine has gossiped to me that Lois Lerner wants your phone number. It's good to see that now you can financially keep up with (fat) Mickey Moore-on at the buffet table.

Thanks Comrade. I accept your feign gladly. I only hope it's genuine. After all, I can afford the real thing these days. No point in cluttering up the nest with fake feigns.