Clean-energy future through slow-cooking in body cavities

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Inspired by the ecological stillsuits of Frank Herbert's science-fiction novel Dune, which, powered by the movements of the human body, collected perspiration and body wastes and recycled them to drinking water, researchers working on a federal Green Energy grant have come up with another way the body can be ecologically harnessed to conserve energy and reduce our environmental impact where we live and work.

A team of young scientists at South Carolina's community-based Sustainability Institute have come up with an innovative method to slow-cook food in our own body cavities. Our environmentally-friendly "ovens," such as, the rectum or vagina, remain underutilized for 95% of the day by most people - and that's a tremendous waste of our resources, say the inventors.

The mouth is used more frequently, but it can also be utilized for sustainable slow-cooking, especially if instead of chewing gum more of us would use their head cavity to slow-cook meals for ourselves and our loved ones. The only conceivable downside of this method would be somewhat limited communication, which can be easily compensated by using email, texting, sign language, or simply nodding our heads.

"Every one of us produces the energy equivalent of a 100 Watt light bulb," says Colin Bell, community outreach specialist at the Sustainability Institute. "Think of how many Kw-Hrs of electricity could be saved by using the waste heat BTUs of the human body to cook our meals! Multiply that by six billion people and we're talking a real serious 'clean' energy source that must be exploited, by all of us, to save the planet from climate change disruption."

For a few months now a group of local community enthusiasts participated in experiments by placing raw meat or vegetables inside the cavities overnight to prepare breakfast, or right after the morning 'evacuation' routine before going to work, in which case they would have a delicious, sustainable dinner by the end of the day. Female volunteers proved to be more efficient than men in delivering environmentally-friendly slow-cooked meals, reaffirming a woman's status in the society as the nurturer and food provider.

"The secret here is to wash your food carefully so as not to bring any undesirable organisms into your body," explains Rachel Crocker, the program director who also doubles as a chef. "Some of our volunteers preferred straight insertions, others used parchment paper, Stretch-Tite plastic food wrap, zip-lock bags, or aluminum foil. Some of the more squeamish participants also used old, hollowed-out vibrators. So don't be in a rush to throw away that old vibrator you're no longer using. Recycle it to prepare sustainable, clean-energy slow-cooked breakfasts and dinners for yourself and your partner!"

Enthusiastic grassroots participation in the research has resulted in an additional invention of "armpit burgers" by a volunteer who would place defrosted meat patties under his armpits during vigorous gym exercise on a treadmill. "This is a wonderful addition to our program," says Rachel Crocker. "It shows that you can now slow-cook your meals even at the gym, at the beach, or while taking a long walk in the park, especially if you expect guests at your table later that day."

The program is now ready for implementation by the Institute's Energy Conservation Corps through community workshops and monthly ReThink events, in which volunteers educate, demonstrate, and inspire local communities to conserve energy with new, practical methods.

"We have applied for additional funding for our innovative workforce training programs," says Colin Bell, taking a bite out of a savory-smelling burger he produced from under his armpit. "Our goal is to provide professionals with the skills and certifications they need to access in-demand jobs in the energy efficiency industry, such as popularization, and eventually lobbying and regulation of the new sustainable food cooking process. As much as we would like our clean-energy methods to enter American households on a volunteer basis, I'm afraid some form of government mandate and subsequent law enforcement may be necessary before we see full benefit of our discovery."

Additional reporting by Red Square

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But I use those cavities for mulching...

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DAMMIT! I just had the space rented out to Vinny, he says that if I don't get the "stuff" across the border to this guy named Hito he'll give me a "present".

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Well who woulda thunk the ol prison wallet was good for more than just contraband! And women have double ovens! Unless you're cooking a baby.

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I was wondering why bratwurst have been selling out like crazy around San Francisco and cities with a women's college....


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Chedoh wrote:I was wondering why bratwurst have been selling out like crazy around San Francisco and cities with a women's college....

Just like a human crock pot!