Eyewitnesses report that Commissarka Pinkie was spotted on a remote Florida beach earlier this week, heroically reclaiming the People’s shoreline from a bourgeois gang of sun-hogging alligators using nothing but her Party-issued shovel and unwavering proletarian resolve.

Sources say all the good spots had been taken by unlicensed, unregulated reptiles hoarding communal waterfront property for themselves. Unfazed, the brave Commissarka launched a bold redistribution campaign with the righteous fury of a comrade whose beet vodka was starting to warm in the cooler.



The gators, recognizing the superiority of centralized planning, retreated without incident—though one was overheard muttering about beachfront equity.

Witnesses say that after securing her sunbathing sector, Commissarka Pinkie planted her umbrella, sang “This Land Is My Land” (but only once), and began drafting her upcoming pamphlet: "Leisure Through Shovel Power: A Beach Day Manifesto."

No gators were harmed—though several were gently reeducated.


Next up: seizing the lifeguard stand from the running dogs of sunscreen imperialism.

I didn’t know it at the time of posting, but apparently today is World Crocodile Day.

I’d like to thank Commissarka Pinkie for celebrating the occasion in the most respectful way possible. Nothing says “awareness” like a forced redistribution with a shovel.

Yes - we know the difference between crocodiles and alligators. But our policy here is not to discriminate.

WORLD CROC DAY | June 17

Next up: World Mosquito Appreciation Day.

One might say that Commissarka Pinkie re-educated the disobedient lizards by performing the state approved "Jiffy-Lobo" with the party approved shovel.

Or one might say she was pissed that the proles were eyeing her most equal naughty bits at the most equal naturist preserve.

Either way, rodina wins.

I'd just like to know what would've happened if Commissarka Pinkie had used an ice pick instead of a shovel.

How dare you, Colonel Obyezyana. HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you use that—that—that word! The word that triggers me. Traumatizes me. Victimizes me. A word synonymous with violence, hatred, bigotry, fascism, and every other bad word you can think of.

That horrible three-letter word you used to describe a pick used for breaking apart frozen water.

Yes, THAT word! Do I have to spell it out?  Oh, never mind.  I'll just whack you upside the head with my shovel.

WHACK!!!

People ask, “Where’s Pinkie? Why doesn’t she post anymore?" Maybe it’s because I no longer feel safe here. I can’t feel safe in a place where knuckle-dragging troglodytes like you use hateful, hurtful words like that three-letter word that just triggers me and makes me feel unsafe. 

Never use that word again.  From now on, it's Frozen Water.

Frozen Water Cream. Frozen Watered Tea. The Frozen Water Capades. Got it?

WHACK!!!

 

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: ↑

6/18/2025, 8:58 pm

How dare you, Colonel Obyezyana. HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you use that—that—that word! The word that triggers me. Traumatizes me. Victimizes me. A word synonymous with violence, hatred, bigotry, fascism, and every other bad word you can think of.

That horrible three-letter word you used to describe a pick used for breaking apart frozen water.

Yes, THAT word! Do I have to spell it out?  Oh, never mind.  I'll just whack you upside the head with my shovel.

WHACK!!!

People ask, “Where’s Pinkie? Why doesn’t she post anymore?" Maybe it’s because I no longer feel safe here. I can’t feel safe in a place where knuckle-dragging troglodytes like you use hateful, hurtful words like that three-letter word that just triggers me and makes me feel unsafe. 

Never use that word again.  From now on, it's Frozen Water.

Frozen Water Cream. Frozen Watered Tea. The Frozen Water Capades. Got it?

WHACK!!!

Just.
Wow.

Good thing she didn't have that "frozen dihydro monoxide" pick handy.

You might have been singing soprano. 
 

Just trying this out.  I've got hockey on the brain since the most equal Florida Panthers won the cup yesterday.
How is this?


Hmmm.  Yes.  It does improve things and I know I feel safer now.

I must confirm that Commissarka Pinkie’s corrective swing was both ideologically sound and biomechanically flawless - if not mildly concussive. The Colonel will no doubt require a frozen beet compress on his furry simian cranium following that demonstration of shovel aerobics.

He’ll recover, of course—once his cranial unit is recalibrated back to Party standards. As we speak, his head is already en route (ground mail) to the Department of Cranial Realignment at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

No telling how long it’ll take, though, as the postal workers’ union is currently on strike to protest Trump’s ascension to the Throne of Amerika. Priorities, comrades.

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/18/2025, 10:30 pm

As we speak, his head is already en route (ground mail) to the Department of Cranial Realignment at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

Pinkie and the Brain

Panem Et Circenses wrote: ↑

6/19/2025, 9:17 am

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/18/2025, 10:30 pm

As we speak, his head is already en route (ground mail) to the Department of Cranial Realignment at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

Pinkie and the Brain

Things are really heating up, NOW! Brains are getting cooked!

Apologies.

Sorry to disappoint everyone but I've been on an extended vacation at an undisclosed tropical locale and have only my cell phone, making it hard to text because of my enormous fingers.

I am alive and well, but not so for my cousin, "Hanging Judge" Boleslav Obezyana, who's minding one of my houses and caring for my pet rhino, Squeaky, while I'm away.


In an apparent case of mistaken identity, some random woman (with a very hairy chin and legs to match), burst through the front door and proceeded to whack him with a shovel that smelled of alligators. Due to her advanced age and diminutive height, she did little damage to him before fleeing the scene in a 1962 Chevy Bel-Aire with no license plate and an oil leak that left a billowing cloud of black smoke in her wake.

Since this incident, my angered cousin has issued a bench warrant for her arrest on charges of assault with a ridiculous weapon, animal abuse, and being a fugitive illegal alien (he threw that last part in so that she could be arrested by ICE).    

 

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/18/2025, 10:30 pm

I must confirm that Commissarka Pinkie’s corrective swing was both ideologically sound and biomechanically flawless - if not mildly concussive. The Colonel will no doubt require a frozen beet compress on his furry simian cranium following that demonstration of shovel aerobics.

He’ll recover, of course—once his cranial unit is recalibrated back to Party standards. As we speak, his head is already en route (ground mail) to the Department of Cranial Realignment at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

No telling how long it’ll take, though, as the postal workers’ union is currently on strike to protest Trump’s ascension to the Throne of Amerika. Priorities, comrades.

• Headaches
  
• Blurred vision
  
• Memory loss
  
• Swollen fingers
  
• Dissociative Identity Disorder
  
• Irritability
  
• Nausea
  
• Constipation
  
• Diarrhea
  
• Celibacy
  

Incidentally, Judge Boleslav is is close friend of the Florida Attorney General.

https://www.wlrn.org/immigration/2025-0 ... everglades

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: ↑

6/19/2025, 6:10 pm

In an apparent case of mistaken identity, some random woman (with a very hairy chin and legs to match), burst through the front door and proceeded to whack him with a shovel that smelled of alligators. Due to her advanced age and diminutive height, she did little damage to him before fleeing the scene in a 1962 Chevy Bel-Aire with no license plate and an oil leak that left a billowing cloud of black smoke in her wake.

Since this incident, my angered cousin has issued a bench warrant for her arrest on charges of assault with a ridiculous weapon, animal abuse, and being a fugitive illegal alien (he threw that last part in so that she could be arrested by ICE).    

Judging from the judge's description, that's not me.  That's my mother, Yelling Yelena:




Fits the description perfectly. 

Your cousin must be one of her exes.  That's the only explanation I can come up with for why she would do what she did to him. 

Besides, if he's neither an Obama nor Biden appointee, then he isn't even a legitimate judge, unless it's for frozen water skating competitions.      
 

You haven’t truly known social justice until you’ve argued politics with a gorilla holding a gavel. In the best-case scenario, he just pounded the floor with it until everyone gave in.

In my original reporting, I neglected to mention one witness who claimed that Pinkie fought off the gators with such ferocity, he mistook it for a family reunion.

Indeed, being raised by Yelling Yelena - a woman who could discipline an entire kolkhoz with a single yell - Pinkie learned early that emotional stability was bourgeois, volume was power, and the shovel spoke louder than words.

Her stepfathers (officially listed as #3 through #9, though sources say #5 was technically a gorilla) all contributed in their own dysfunctional way. Every argument ended with a dented shovel and a hard-earned lesson: if you didn’t swing first, you ducked late.

When asked about her upbringing, Pinkie simply muttered, “Once you’ve survived a gorilla with Trump Derangement Syndrome, the rest is just training.”

Red Square wrote: ↑

6/20/2025, 9:12 pm

You haven’t truly known social justice until you’ve argued politics with a gorilla holding a gavel. In the best-case scenario, he just pounded the floor with it until everyone gave in.

In my original reporting, I neglected to mention one witness who claimed that Pinkie fought off the gators with such ferocity, he mistook it for a family reunion.

Indeed, being raised by Yelling Yelena - a woman who could discipline an entire kolkhoz with a single yell - Pinkie learned early that emotional stability was bourgeois, volume was power, and the shovel spoke louder than words.

Her stepfathers (officially listed as #3 through #9, though sources say #5 was technically a gorilla) all contributed in their own dysfunctional way. Every argument ended with a dented shovel and a hard-earned lesson: if you didn’t swing first, you ducked late.

When asked about her upbringing, Pinkie simply muttered, “Once you’ve survived a gorilla with Trump Derangement Syndrome, the rest is just training.”

Hmmm.



 

Hmm, indeed. The shovel was my Photoshopped addition to the original lady at a communist march. Funny how this shovel-wielding screamer in Moscow somehow got confused with a hapless old woman in Armenia - a world of difference.

That said, I really appreciated the music choice - Pink Floyd was a perfect match. I’ll be thinking of Yelling Yelena every time I hear The Great Gig in the Sky from now on. Thank you for that, comrade.

Colonel O gets two whacks in a post and is treated like a celebrated victim. Just because he's... well, you know. He looks like George Floyd with lots of back hair.

I denounce the favoritism being flaunted here. Your own Comrade Ivan (not the one in the jar) once received FOUR whacks in the same post by the Commisarka, but I'm no gorilla. I think I got a PM telling me to spit on it and run a lap.

What can we now expect, a rising "Gorilla Lives Matter" movement? Awareness ribbons? Chants? Paid "mostly peaceful protesters" being bussed to the random zoo gate where pallets of bricks and coolers of frozen water bottles will appear as if by magic overnight?

Victim. <spit>

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote: ↑

6/30/2025, 1:40 pm

Colonel O gets two whacks in a post and is treated like a celebrated victim. Just because he's... well, you know. He looks like George Floyd with lots of back hair.

I denounce the favoritism being flaunted here. Your own Comrade Ivan (not the one in the jar) once received FOUR whacks in the same post by the Commisarka, but I'm no gorilla. I think I got a PM telling me to spit on it and run a lap.

What can we now expect, a rising "Gorilla Lives Matter" movement? Awareness ribbons? Chants? Paid "mostly peaceful protesters" being bussed to the random zoo gate where pallets of bricks and coolers of frozen water bottles will appear as if by magic overnight?

Victim. <spit>

Correction: it was my cousin, Boleslav, who got the whacks. Try to keep up.
 

Strolling through the Florida heat, I spotted this duo serenading Pinkie from the gravel lot outside her collective housing unit. Clearly losers—Pinkie only acknowledges male comrades in red hats, so their chances are nil. Still, the shovel work might just win her over. Revolutionary romance is weird like that.

Red Square wrote: ↑

7/19/2025, 9:40 pm

Strolling through the Florida heat, I spotted this duo serenading Pinkie from the gravel lot outside her collective housing unit. Clearly losers—Pinkie only acknowledges male comrades in red hats, so their chances are nil. Still, the shovel work might just win her over. Revolutionary romance is weird.

The Molotov cocktail candle lends a very romantic touch. (swoon)