It's Halloween eve and just past mid-night, comrades. What better time than this to retell the classic tale of our collective's first encounter with the infamous Creature Jarrett.

Some of you may not realize that the historic meeting was merely by chance. If not for the discovery of a single boney relic the glories of Next Tuesday™ might not have arrived in our lifetimes. I think this old 50's movie captures the essence of the tale most effectively.

The 1954 classic “Creature From the Black Lagoon” retold here for a modern Progressive audience:


Carl Maia (union leader) Richard Trumka
Mark Williams (funding) Mark Zuckerberg
David Reed (agitator) Barry Soetoro
Kay Lawrence (David's goomah) May Putout
Edwin Thompson (press agent) Jay Carney
Lucas (boat capt) Harry Reid
The Creature - Valerie Jarrett
Craptek - Himself

An expedition in search of low wage immigrant labor in the Amazon uncovers fossilized evidence from the Devonian period of a link between humans and radical progressives in the form of a skeletal hand with sticky, webbed fingers. Union expedition leader Carl Maia (Richard Trumka) visits his friend and former student, David Reed (Barry Soetoro), a neighborhood agitator who works at a college in Chicago, and who was once a guest at Maia's leftist propaganda institute in Brazil. Reed then persuades his boss, a tight fisted billionaire man-child by the name of Mark Williams (Mark Zuckerberg), to fund a return expedition to the Amazon to look for the remainder of the skeleton.

They travel aboard a broad-beam tramp steamer, the Moochelle, which is captained by a shifty eyed old codger named Lucas (Harry Reid). The expedition consists of David, Carl, Mark, and Reed's goomah, Kay Lawrence (May Putout), as well as a union press agent, Edwin Thompson (Jay Carney). Arriving at the camp, they discover Maia's entire expeditionary team has been mysteriously killed while he was away. Lucas suggests it was done by a jaguar, but the others are unsure. In fact, the camp had been attacked by a progressive, piscine humanoid - a living member of the same species from which the fossil originated.

Carl and David search the excavation where the hand was found but turn up nothing new. Mark is ready to give up the search when David suggests a theory. Perhaps thousands of years ago the part of the embankment containing the rest of the skeleton fell into the water and was washed down river - broken up by the current. Lucas says that the tributary empties into a lagoon. Lucas calls it the "Black Lagoon", a paradise which no one has ever actually reached. The team decides to risk it, unaware that the amphibious "Creature" that killed Carl's assistants earlier has been watching them. Taking notice of the beautiful Kay, it follows the Moochelle down river to the Black Lagoon. Once the expedition arrives, David and Mark go diving to collect fossils from the watery depths. After they return, Kay goes swimming and is stalked underwater by the Creature. The tranquil scene is suddenly disrupted by Craptek “The Wonder Squirrel” making his single cameo appearance water skiing past the half naked Kay and ogling Creature.

Kay spots the Creature and swims frantically to the boat. A struggle begins and the Creature claims the lives of Lucas's crew members before finally being captured and locked in a cage aboard the Moochelle. It escapes during the night and attacks Edwin as he plots his upcoming press briefing strategy . Kay hits the beast with a empty bottle of vodka, driving it off before it can kill Edwin. Following this incident David decides they should return to civilization, but as the Moochelle attempts to leave they discover the Creature has blocked the exit with logs.

While the others struggle to remove debris, Mark is mauled to death attempting to upload live shots to his Facebook page. The Creature then abducts Kay and takes her to his cavern lair. Unfortunately, the next scene was edited out of the U.S. version, and is available only to European audiences. Meanwhile, David, Lucas and Carl fight their way through the shallow marsh in an effort to save Kay. She is finally rescued and the Creature, riddled with bullets, is seen sinking slowly into the watery depths as Chicago, That Toddlin' Town blares over the scrolling credits.

Captain,

Shouldn't that be the Creature from the Marquette Park Lagoon? I mean since it's Chitcago and all... just sayin'.

The wonderful thing about the world of Next Tuesday™ is its flexibility. Time and space, truth and falsity, good and evil, The Black Lagoon and the Marquette Park Lagoon, all are interchangeable at a moments notice and for no particular reason. Freedom, Comrade Bear...That's real freedom.

Indeed, comrade captain. There's "freedom" on the Plantation™ just as long as we define it for you. Take the archaic definition of "marriage" for example. It has now been expanded and made flexible to even include your kitchen sink, if you so desire.

Yes, comrade captain, freedom... real freedom.

On a side note, I have a few pieces of leftover Halloween treats - anybody got any jihadi friends or neighbors?

Uh oh. "Black" Lagoon could be interpreted as a racist comment. Better to use the Marquette Park Lagoon, or the Hegewisch Swamp. BTW, where is Oprah cast? Surely there is an appropriate role in this epic horror film for her!

I denounce this lagoon as racist!

"Black" marginalizes the multiracial qualities of Dear Leader (he IS still Irish, no?). , and totally excludes comradelette Putout's lilly-white self.

Should this not be a "Lagoon of Color?"

Komrade Katz wrote:Uh oh. "Black" Lagoon could be interpreted as a racist comment. Better to use the Marquette Park Lagoon, or the Hegewisch Swamp. BTW, where is Oprah cast? Surely there is an appropriate role in this epic horror film for her!

The d'Oprah™ has left Chitcago some time ago taking with her her Imelda Marcos-sized collection of shoes and selling her humble downtown condo for several million dollars. I believe she felt Chitcago wasn't being nice to her anymore (after she decided to shill for his O'liness), and her ratings took a hit. So there really isn't anything left for the d'Oprah™ since she no longer represents Chitcago values.

And is the Creature, in fact, a Lagoon-American?

I believe the good ship Moochelle should be a lobster boat. Not a working lobster boat mind you, but a boat sufficiently elegant and luxurious to be a fine platform upon which lobster may be served. Preferably out on that big fantailwith under the stars ....

Yes, she does have a bit of a fantail, doesn't she?

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Accutrial Version 2.0 - Checks both the accused and accuser...
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