TO: All Party Elites (not for Jour0lists!)
FR: Office of the Purveyor of Party Approved Nonsense
RE: Economic Recovery

Comrades, I have some unhappy news for you all. Dear Leader Obama has confided privately to us that the rousing economic recovery we have been in for the last 3 years is still a year or two away. Now, he didn't relate this to my office directly as I am on the FLOTUS's feces-list since I ate one of her french fries lost her Target "frequent shoppers" card. However, the President confided this in a letter to an unemployed victim of Bush and Wall Street which was forwarded to my office via unofficial channels....

~

Yes, as Dear Leader's letter says, we must face the fact that it will probably take another year or two to fully dig our way out of this hole. If Barack Obama, the smartest person that has ever been on earth says this, it must be true! I'm sorry to have to disappoint all of you loyal Party members and The People ™who are dependent on us for everything but we cannot dig our way out of this hole any sooner! We must trust what we are told because lack of dissent is the highest form of patriotism! I am as disappointed as you are (maybe more so as my hole is deeper) but I guess we can only dig so fast, even when we're in a deep hole.

Now, I know that many of you were eagerly expecting another Recovery Summer ™ such as those we have enjoyed the past couple of years. Fear not, a Recovery Summer is even more enjoyable when you're in a hole; after the spring rains come, I think the capitalists used to call that a "swimming pool." Of course, the water may make it more difficult to dig in those circumstances but we must persevere if we are to get out of the pool... er, hole.

I wish to emphasize to you all that we cannot use this disappointment as an excuse to relax our efforts in this regard. We must double down and dig faster in order to keep to the hole-escaping schedule that the Presdient has envisioned for us! If we simply keep the faith, shut up and do what we're told, we will dig our way out of our hole just as our comrades in Greece, North Korea and the USSR have dug out of theirs. So, everyone take a deep breath - do I smell brake fluid on someone's breath? If any official cars hit any poles (or Poles) on the way back to Party headquarters, someone's going to be in trouble!.... Where was I? ...Oh yes, take a deep breath, grab your shovel and DIG DAMMIT, DIG!!!! And if anyone finds a Titleist ball in their hole, it belongs to you-know-who....

I think it says "... another year or two to fully die our way out of this hole", an obvious reference to the fact that the reich wing teabaggers continue to block the much-needed death panels. Think how much more $$ will be available with millions of old and useless people out of the way and off medicare!!

Fraud! Hoax! Fake! Phony-Baloney!

There's no date on the letter. The only way I would believe it to be genuine is if it were stamped with a date of January 20, 2009.

And how do we know that's really Obama's signature? How do we know some intern wasn't goofing around with his autopen late one night after everyone else had gone home?

Read the text of the letter carefully. Does it really sound personalized and heartfelt to you? "Because America has gotten through tougher times before, and because of good people like you." Questionable grammar aside, doesn't that sound suspiciously cliched, like a form letter? I'm surprised they didn't clip a little yellow sticky note to it that says, "Send this idiot the tough times letter."

Finally, the kind of font used on that letter hasn't even been invented yet. Didn't these people learn anything from the Dan Rather fiasco?

Or the birth certificate fiasco.

Oh - wait -

Never mind.

Comrade Opiate: I have been digging and digging and I reached China! Was this what deal leader wanted??

ProRo, Comrade Opiate may well have a better answer to that than I do, but I say since you've dug that hole to China, you may as well step back so the Canadians can insert their oil pipeline into it.

Does this mean that even our Dear leader is admitting that he's Downgraded the economy?

Proletarian Robot wrote:Comrade Opiate: I have been digging and digging and I reached China! Was this what deal leader wanted??

No, actually he intends to dig us to North Korea - go back and try again.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:ProRo, Comrade Opiate may well have a better answer to that than I do, but I say since you've dug that hole to China, you may as well step back so the Canadians can insert their oil pipeline into it.

Pinkie, as you know, "pipeline" is a 4-letter word in party lexicon (3 letters if Joe Biden spells it) but our engineers will happily make use of Comrade Robot's hole as a tunnel for the bullet train route between Biden's house in Delaware and Washington DC (going underground avoids a lot of hassle with Comrade NIMBY.) And of course, there are toxic wastes from expired Chevy Volts and non-existent Fast and Furious documents that we must be bury somewhere....

Fhalkyn wrote:Comrade ProRo is lucky; I dug and all I got was a tunnel full of seawater. Yuck.
After I consume my beet rations, I'll try again elsewhere.

Comrade, go you remember the movie "Glengarry Glen Ross" (by no coincidence, a movie set in Chicago) where sales "motivator" Alec Baldwin told weasely failure Jack Lemmon "Coffee's for closers only!"?

I'm here to tell you "Beet rations are for successful tunnel-outers ONLY!" Now get back to work and come back when you have successfully dug out of your hole.