Following someone else's devastating release of toxic metals into Colorado's Animas River, a major tributary of the Colorado River, the Environmental Protection Agency has assumed control over the Colorado River's entire watershed and is promising to identify the responsible party and hold it accountable.

“The river was bright orange and loaded with toxic heavy metals when we got here,” said EPA Regional Administrator Shaun McGrath, looking down at his shoes. “We had just arrived to clean up an old mining operation when we received word that someone, probably teenagers, had dumped massive quantities of lead, mercury, arsenic and cadmium into the river,” murmured McGrath.

Reached for comment, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy clarified that “Regional Administrator McGrath is an exemplary agent, and while I credit his quick thinking in bringing this matter to our attention, he is not authorized to speak on behalf of the EPA. Our preliminary investigation here in Washington has already determined that only a large corporation, not teenagers, would have access to the three million gallons of heavy metals that were dumped into the Animas River and are now contaminating the entire Colorado River system south of the spill.”

Colorado and New Mexico have already declared states of emergency in response to the senseless corporate destruction of the pristine river ecosystem, and California is awaiting guidance from the EPA on the spill's impact in that state.

“While I appreciate the states' concern, it was their failure to regulate the corporation, which EPA will identify, that caused this tragedy in the first place,” said McCarthy. “That is why EPA has been forced to assume control of the seven states served by the Colorado River watershed until we have eliminated every trace of pollutants.”

Walking briskly to the presidential limousine, President Obama waived off questions, muttering simply, “Din't do it.”

Reminds me of when O.J. vowed to find Nicole's killer after his acquittal.

Colorado Governor Hickenlooper: "People are not machines, they're not perfect."
...I wonder if that's the attitude they take toward corporations and companies who, through their own negligence, cause environmental hazards and disasters. The good news is, the EPA can always raise fines and fees on others who "pollute" (bovine flatulence, etc.) in order to pay for the clean-up.

Konservative_Punk wrote:[attachment=0]The good news is, the EPA can always raise fines and fees on others who "pollute" (bovine flatulence, etc.) in order to pay for the clean-up.

The even better news is that the EPA probably has sovereign immunity.

Proposed new logo for the EPA.

Konservative_Punk wrote:

EPA Water Hose.jpg

Come Winter "don't eat the yellow snow" is going to take on a completely different meaning.

The Truth I heard this afternoon is that the EPA is claiming they did not actually create the pollutants. It follows therefore by liberally (snicker) construing the law, they are not responsible.

Now imagine: DOJ takes EPA to court. EPA fights DOJ tooth and nail. Many expensive lawyers are purchased hired by both sides. Twenty years from now, EPA is found responsible. EPA must pay fine and clean up. Who pays for lawsuit, lawyers, fine and cleanup? Send your answers to: It Happened On My Watch But It's Not My Problem Now, c/o Secret Service, Washington DC.

An EPA trial show! What grandeur it is to see money spent wisely.

It's a vast right wing conspiracy!

Lev Termen wrote:The Truth I heard this afternoon is that the EPA is claiming they did not actually create the pollutants. It follows therefore by liberally (snicker) construing the law, they are not responsible.

Now imagine: DOJ takes EPA to court. EPA fights DOJ tooth and nail. Many expensive lawyers are purchased hired by both sides. Twenty years from now, EPA is found responsible. EPA must pay fine and clean up. Who pays for lawsuit, lawyers, fine and cleanup? Send your answers to: It Happened On My Watch But It's Not My Problem Now, c/o Secret Service, Washington DC.

A valid point. Our precious Earth Mother created all of these metals, and in this case, and this case only, She probably needed those vital nutrients concentrated in this location.There could be no fair trial in CO. It'd probably have to be moved to the Virgin Islands District Court.

Who knew it could be this easy, comrades.

The greatest revolutionary action could be simply having a large group of Party™ members relieving their bladders into the Mississippi, somewhere north of St Paul/Minneapolis, after a night of Jagermeister shots, and declaring a state of environmental emergency that requires the Federal government to take control of the entire Mississippi watershed, and the barn, too.

Think of the possibilities, comrades.

I think we need more beet vodka!

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:The greatest revolutionary action could be simply having a large group of Party™ members relieving their bladders into the Mississippi, somewhere north of St Paul/Minneapolis....

It's okay, Komrades. We don't have to do any work. Just a simple name change and redaction is all that's required: "Environmental Pollution Agency".


I side with the late Carlin on environmental issues:

The evil capitalists did, and left it for us to clean up!

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:Who knew it could be this easy, comrades.

The greatest revolutionary action could be simply having a large group of Party™ members relieving their bladders into the Mississippi, somewhere north of St Paul/Minneapolis, after a night of Jagermeister shots, and declaring a state of environmental emergency that requires the Federal government to take control of the entire Mississippi watershed, and the barn, too.

Think of the possibilities, comrades.

I think we need more beet vodka!

Good point, KKK, totally doable.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:It's okay, Komrades. We don't have to do any work. Just a simple name change and redaction is all that's required: "Environmental Pollution Agency".


I side with the late Carlin on environmental issues:

OMG, Stierlitz, Thank you so much for posting this. I love it and will share it everywhere! Such a breath of fresh air! Wow!