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E-mail itExperts: government shutdown may cause human combustion
In one of the most controversial and destructive acts of his presidency, Donald Trump, the worst Republican president since Hitler, is threatening to shut down the government! This is bad news for all Americans according to several government agencies.
Senior accountant of the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, Fred "Nonpartisan" Phelps, says the shutdown may cost the average American family up to $85,000 per day. "Women and minorities would be hardest hit," said Phelps coining a new phrase.
Citizens may not be able to access data from the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. Over the next month, children will be asking, "Mommy, what's a transportation statistic?" The impact this will have on our children, our future, is simply unacceptable and entirely avoidable.
Furthermore, if no deal is reached by midnight tonight, funding will be halted for the Department for the Prevention of Spontaneous Human Combustion causing them to shut down their hotline, a service otherwise accessible to millions of Americans. Estimates show that over 1,475,286.04 preventable spontaneous combustions will take place every minute past midnight for as long as Trump refuses to see reason and negotiate.
Worse yet, millions of necessary government employees will have to go without work wondering when they will be compensated for what essentially amounts to a paid vacation.
"The stress is killing me," said Claude McElroy of the Agency of Banjo String Quality Assurance. "If I'd known Trump was gonna do this, I'da planned for a fishin' trip. Instead, all I can do is stay at home an' watch YouTube videos all day like I do at work. I'm madder 'n a wet hen, and I feel like I could blow up any minute now. Course, there ain't nothin' I can do 'bout it since Trump come around and personally cut my phone line. Now I can't call that spontaneous combustion hotline and git the help I need. The Mrs. is already crying her eyes out, and that Trump don't care!"
Completely unmoved by the suffering he's inflicted on middle class Americans, sources close to the president say that he spent the afternoon with Ivanka checking out a new top hat to go with his obscenely expensive pinstripe tuxedo. Anonymous sources claim that Trump, while inserting a monocle into his right eye to inspect his new hat, simply told reporters, "I can't be bothered with that."
It's happening! People have been spontaneously combusting in droves ever since Hillary lost the election. Now those numbers will double, triple, quadruple... I could continue if I knew the rest of the sequence but I guess it doesn't even exist in human language.
Большое спасибо for the most equal graphics.
Without the government to help them breathe, eat and be happy, billions of Americans will now choke, starve and become depressed - each day.
And which is worse: if Americans don't start dying in droves, people may notice how life without state control is possible, and the government might get cut down to size. This will destroy decades of revolutionary activity!
And which is worse: if Americans don't start dying in droves, people may notice how life without state control is possible, and the government might get cut down to size. This will destroy decades of revolutionary activity!
“Senate Democrats shutdown the government over petty political games and blind opposition to Republican efforts to pay our troops and fund health care for nine million vulnerable children,” McDaniel (RNP) said.
They are using The Children ™ ! They appropriate our tools of mind control! I tried to file a complaint at the American Anti Cultural Appropriation Agency, but it has been shut down...
They are using The Children ™ ! They appropriate our tools of mind control! I tried to file a complaint at the American Anti Cultural Appropriation Agency, but it has been shut down...
Sen. Dianne Feinstein said government shutdown would kill people, but she voted for it anyway, It seems that Senator Feinstein wants PEOPLE TO DIE!
It's morning in America and democrats want to smother it with a pillow.
$.$. Halliburton
It's morning in America and democrats want to smother it with a pillow.
Most equal!
Shutdown, Day 1: Somehow the sun came up this morning. It might not tomorrow, so the Mrs. and I got out to walk around in a national park. Don't ask me how our car started without government intervention, but it did. And the park was still there! This is incredible! All the walking trails and Civil War monuments and markers were still there. We drove home, and the electricity was still running and I still have internet access. The only thing I can figure is that the shutdown may not kick in until Monday. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, well, we'll all know what happened.
Philosophical Thought for the Day - If a government shuts down in a forest, and nobody is around to notice, is anybody affected?
Komissar al-Blogunov
Philosophical Thought for the Day - If a government shuts down in a forest, and nobody is around to notice, is anybody affected?The forest creatures and Mother Gaia™ will be affected the most as they need the benign protection of the government to save them from the malignant depredations of the KKKapitalist white men hungry to profit from their destruction.
Komissar al-Blogunov
... And the park was still there! This is incredible! All the walking trails and Civil War monuments and markers were still there ...Yes, Komrades, that's true! I right now looked into Google Earth, and America was all there!
For just $10.3bn a day—less than half the cost of an aircraft carrier—you can sponsor a federal government in need.
Tom Foreman to celebrated Jake Tapper:
Government Shutdown will create Undetected Asteroid Strike ....
Reporter Tom Foreman this past Friday offered his hyped belief from the threat posed by the government shutdown and "The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention would back down its flu tracking program even as the nation faces the worst outbreak in years," Foreman said."Some senior nutrition programs would be paused. 200,000 passport applications went unprocessed in 1995. Congress funds much of the scientific research done in this country. In 2013, that meant some experiments went on hold in 2013 and suffered costly losses of data."
"In space same year, for more than two weeks, NASA reportedly stopped monitoring potentially dangerous asteroids," he added. "A big one, by the way, is expected to brush by Earth on February 4th."
Foreman acknowledged that
Transcript:
TAPPER:"It’s not the just government workers, if the shutdown happens. It will have a real cascading effect on the economy."
FOREMAN:"Yeah that's absolutely right. If there is no deal as these negotiations stand right now, nearly 800,000 undocumented immigrants who came as children, the so-called DREAMers would be thrust into a dangerous legal limbo. Some 9 million children covered by Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP). But plenty of other Americans who have nothing to do with any of that could also feel the impact."
FOREMAN:"850,000 government workers locked out of their offices and left out of their paychecks. That’s what happened when the government shut down in 2013 and it would likely be the same this time. Including many who don’t make much."
THOMPSON: "I have a child and I want to make sure she eats and I want to eat. It is important that this gets done."
FOREMAN:"Roughly 1.9 million government workers would be considered essential and stay on the job. Air traffic controllers, security officers, food inspectors, prison guards, Social Security checks would go out. The post office would be open. But at a steep price to many workers."
FOREMAN:"Meanwhile many services would be stopped or delayed. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention would back down its flu tracking program even as the nation faces the worst outbreak in years. Some senior nutrition programs would be paused. 200,000 passport applications went unprocessed in 1995. Congress funds much of the scientific research done in this country. In 2013, that meant some experiments went on hold in 2013 and suffered costly losses of data. In space same year, for more than two weeks, NASA reportedly stopped monitoring potentially dangerous asteroids. A big one, by the way, is expected to brush by Earth on February 4th.
"As for the 417 national parks, the administration wants to keep limited access wherever possible, but service would be reduced and 19 of the Smithsonian’s museums would shut their doors."
FOREMAN:"The Smithsonian is trying on keep the doors open for the weekend. The current estimate of shutting down the government would cost taxpayers $6 billion a week. ……..Jake…….Jake?"
The foreign prevaricator Genosse Dummkopf
Komissar al-Blogunov
... And the park was still there! This is incredible! All the walking trails and Civil War monuments and markers were still there ...Yes, Komrades, that's true! I right now looked into Google Earth, and America was all there!
.
Where... WHERE is America, Genosse?!!
.
Comrade Putout
The foreign prevaricator Genosse Dummkopf
Komissar al-Blogunov
... And the park was still there! This is incredible! All the walking trails and Civil War monuments and markers were still there ...Yes, Komrades, that's true! I right now looked into Google Earth, and America was all there!
.
Where... WHERE is America, Genosse?!!
.
I fear, esteemed Comrade Dummkopf, that you may have been looking at an outdated map. It looks like Comrade Putout has the updated version.
My work here is being un-done!
Shutdown, Day 2: The Mrs. and I slept past the alarm clock and got up late for church. This was the first noticeable effect of the shutdown, and I'm sure worse is yet to come. Still, we went to church (to monitor subversive behavior, of course) and the morning service was well attended. Lights were on, no reports of spontaneous human combustion, and the charity soup lunch fundraiser went well (is it even legal to raise money for charity during a shutdown!?). Still baffled, but thankful I can fret about meteors.
Shutdown, Day 2 1/2: I ventured outside late in the day to go to the grocery store for a few supplies for the bunker.
It was a bit scary, driving the roads without any Government around to protect me from roving bands of right-wing militias. But the scariest part was all of the Global Warming coming down from the sky in little white chunks, now that there isn't any Government working to prevent it.
Though the full effects of the Shutdown won't be felt until early tomorrow, some items had already disappeared from the shelves or were getting dangerously low. For instance, they were out of the particular cheese that I like. Clearly, the cheese factory had to quit making cheese because there are no Government officials around to tell them how to do their job.
Surprisingly, there were also no incidents on the way home. I can only guess that the right-wing militias had found a gay person and were taking him to Wyoming (about an hour's drive from here) to tie him to a fence.
It was a bit scary, driving the roads without any Government around to protect me from roving bands of right-wing militias. But the scariest part was all of the Global Warming coming down from the sky in little white chunks, now that there isn't any Government working to prevent it.
Though the full effects of the Shutdown won't be felt until early tomorrow, some items had already disappeared from the shelves or were getting dangerously low. For instance, they were out of the particular cheese that I like. Clearly, the cheese factory had to quit making cheese because there are no Government officials around to tell them how to do their job.
Surprisingly, there were also no incidents on the way home. I can only guess that the right-wing militias had found a gay person and were taking him to Wyoming (about an hour's drive from here) to tie him to a fence.
Comrade Putout
The foreign prevaricator Genosse Dummkopf
Komissar al-Blogunov
... And the park was still there! This is incredible! All the walking trails and Civil War monuments and markers were still there ...Yes, Komrades, that's true! I right now looked into Google Earth, and America was all there!
Where... WHERE is America, Genosse?!!
<earthbubble-but-nix-amiland-appear-to-ze-eye.jpg>
Himmelherrgott!
Googoebbels, zat schweinehund, he make ze Cherman goggle-eye kaputte eardbulbfigur ???
The always cryptic Genosse Dummkopf
Himmelherrgott!Googoebbels, zat schweinehund, he make ze Cherman goggle-eye kaputte eardbulbfigur ???
.
.
Re-educate yourselves, Komrades!For, like, nostalgists: Gitlyer kaput.
Standard opening phrase in (quite one-sided) Russo-German conversations in early 1945.
But, Komradette Putout:
i, most unworthy GULAG-worm, admit: Over-assumed again. Samokritika, here and now!
This explains everything...
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